complicated world but not as scary as I thought,,,

It seems that every day
my journey gets just a little easier..
and sometimes I do something
and wonder why did I wait so long?
and yet I know
that in truth
its all in Gods timing..
and rushing the process
brings a different outcome...
something I know so well!!
So much has started to fall into place in my life...
two of the things are connected!
The first is a new friendship!
I have found as I age that connecting is much harder!
I think its due to many things
but one of those things
is that its harder to put yourself out there with new people...
so, often friendships that don't already have history attached
tend to stay at the surface level..
therefore, making a new connection..
with someone that speaks my heart language,
makes me laugh, will listen if I am sad, and embraces my family into hers..
has been very impacting!!
in addition
that friendship
led me back
to an old church home...
and that has been life changing!
As I sat in church today
and felt the vibrant energy
and saw faces of people I love
I wondered why did it take me so long..
to come back where I belong?
the answer is,
I belong here now!
and now is perfect!
But these things...
so simple
yet so strong...
continue to push me forward towards the place
of wholeness...
they remind me I am not on this journey alone...
and they encourage me to keep learning
and growing...
I am so thankful for so much!
I have a wonderful family whose support has literally saved me...
I have children I adore and that have given me the motivation to keep moving...
and now the I have heart connections I longed for,
and a church that feels like being home!
All these things work together for good..
all these things are part
of learning how to live..
and all these things are part of the richness of life
that awaits when the pain passes
and the living begins!

one of those moments,....

Most moments these days
are busy
or happy
or stressed
or tense
or joyful
but rarely sad!
It took about 9 months for the lonely feelings to go..
but I remember them well!
I remember the sadness I felt on Sundays alone..
or Friday nights with no plans..
the times in the car with no one to call..
and the gap I felt in my heart!
Then I just did not feel that any more!
no big moment..
just a realization that I was not lonely anymore!
A lot has changed...
my work is fulfilling...
it is also busy...
and once I added school...
My schedule is full!
I need my down time...
and don't find it empty any more!
I have become involved in a church
and made some new friends..
as well as keeping up with some old..
my friendships are rich and fulfilling...
Also, I have settled in my role as a single mom..
I am comfortable..
and HAPPY in that aspect of my life...
sometimes stressed and tired!
But, no longer reluctant to embrace what is!
all this , for the most part, eliminates loneliness..
so I was surprised today
to feel sadness
during what seemed like the most mundane thing!
I was running errands on my lunch break..
I ran into the post office.,
and when I walked out
the memories flooded...
the life I used to lead..
the one in which running errands was the norm;
not the exception I now fit in when I have no more choices....
the life that was filled with the mundane at times..
the life that brought me joy..
so for a moment
in a mundane moment
running a mundane errand
I mourned what was..
and felt the sadness at all that has changed!
It happens..
but it passes!
Thats where the hope lies..
not in a forever numbness
but in the times that you feel the pain..
but know it will not last ..
it is but a moment in the rest of your life!

older and actually better :)

Last week was a little crazy..
but good crazy!
It was my birthday!
And the reason that is significant
is that for 3 years
MAJOR things have happened
within days
of my birthday..
3 years ago
my husband of almost 15 years
and I
signed divorce papers
3 days after my birthday..
2 years ago..
I remarried
5 days after my birthday..
1 year ago
my birthday was further confirmation
that I was in big trouble..
and I was separated again the following month...
so, birthdays make me nervous!:)
however, this year was wonderful!!
my children fussed over me..
my family made me feel special
and my dearest friend made me feel loved!
I was pampered
and taken to dinner...
and given treats..
and presents...
and most of all..
above all..
more important then anything else..
it was a day with out drama..
it was a day filled with the chaos of life..
but without unkindness, hurt or broken hearts!
and it was the beginning of a new year...
and the realization that each step I take
is a step away from what was
and a step further towards what shall be..