from there to here...

One year ago...

Sunday, March 7, 2010

well...DUH!!!

I have been worried...
worried that my desire to be alone,
speaks to something deeper.

On the weekends I do not have my kids,
I attend their games and see my friends.
I go to church on Sunday
and hang out with my best friend and others,
but I make no effort apart from that!
I do not call anyone,
rarely do I set up plans to meet..
I look forward instead to my tofu Thai food,
and the movie I will rent,
and the one I will go see.
I enjoy my time alone!!!

This is new for me..
until a few months ago
I kept my weekends busy
with friends and activity!
Now, not only am I alone for most of it..
I am quiet in my alone ness!
I do not run here and there..
I just AM!

I have become more and more happy in my solitude,
and have wondered more and more, could I like it TOO much!?

And then a friend came over to drop something off..
She has walked in my shoes.
so I shared my 'wonder'.
She pointed out something so TRUE!
I was married for 14 years,
my family was my LIFE!
I home schooled my kids,
they were ALWAYS with me.
I loved my husband tightly
and was always available to him.
Alone time was NOT a word in my vocabulary!
Then I moved in with my parents,
as wonderful as they were..
it was not my home..
it was a shared space for all of us.
and when I remarried
it was into a prison.
'nuff said.

I was NEVER alone completely.

And so now?
alone time feels sweet.
I can be selfish.
I can choose the movie
AND the snacks.
I can spend my time my way without guilt!
and so, where I am
seems just right for what I have been through.
And when and if the time comes
that someone else wants a say,
in the movie..
or those snacks:)..
I will be OK with that!
But, I think I will forever
be sure
that 'alone time' is a word
and action
that remains apart of my heart and life!

............
and today...
March 07th, 2011

Alone..
is no longer a state I choose!
Alone..
is never a state I fear!
Alone...
is sometimes a state I welcome.

I would rather be Alone,
then with some one who hurts me!
I would rather be Alone,
then with some one who uses me!
I would rather be Alone,
then with someone who does not see me;
chooses not to know me;
turns from accepting me!

Being Alone,
is always better..
then being with someone
who makes you feel
less of who you are!

In order to learn
you have to take chances..
and sometimes-
in order to heal,
you have to take
those chances back.

I am learning
that I do not have to sit on the sidelines,
but nor to I have to play
the game..
I get to make the rules,
and I get to walk away
when my heart
is at risk
of being on the loosing
team!

so...
I shall let others in..
but their invitation
is in effect,
only as long:
as their respect of me
and who I am
is in place....
because I am not bound-
by fear...

of being ALONE!

2009,2010,2011...what a difference a few years make..

For something different..
I am posting my blog posts
for the past 2 years
around this time...
and then the one for today!
looking back
I see how far I have come!

March 3rd, 2009

the highs and lows

I am amazed at how high the highs are ..
and how low the lows!

I think the biggest surprise is that the lows
always
seem to catch me unaware...

they wait in the shadows
until I am distracted, unconcerned,
beginning to take tentative steps..
and they cut me down at the knees.

The lows are so low!
so sudden
so sad
so empty
so dark...

and then just as fast
the tears all cried
the anger all spent
the emotions exhausted
the lows are gone
now the middle ground is here..
and soon there will be highs that will lift me above the sadness
and remind me how good life really is!

The highs in my life come
when I breathe free air
and hug my children
and spend time with family and friends
the highs in my life are greater then the lows by far

But the lows....
somehow catch me when I am least expecting it!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

I past the test..

I facilitate a class called divorce care
at the church I attend.
This is a video led class,
I am just there to keep the conversation going,
and keep it kind!:)
last night the topic was new relationships..
there was a quiz of sorts!
It basically touched on the key points
to know when you are ready to move on.
There were many aspects but a few really stood out,

-dwelling more in the present then the past.
this struck me.
JUST yesterday an hour before the class,
my son was in a play.
My daughters and I went..
and his dad met us there.
We watched the play..
said our hi's and good byes..
went our happy ways,
as as I read this last night
on the paper in front of me,
I was able to reflect and realize
that I had felt NOTHING
just moments earlier!
Its just what it is now...
moments together do not lead me to wonder
what it should be instead.
Not sure when it happened,
just know that it did.

-taken ownership of the past
This only happened for me a few months ago.
This was the moment I realized that I had
a part in the heart ache between us.
owning it, understanding it and asking forgiveness
from the man who broke my heart...
truly released me!
This step was huge.

then the last one that REALLY spoke to me was;
-not looking for someone to rescue you.
I was here!!
I thought that this was the answer...
I went down that road.
BUT, no more!
Now I don't want to be rescued!
I don't want to be saved!
I just want to be loved...
and accepted!
No hero..
no white knight..
just a man with all his flaws,
accepting me with all mine.

and that was the thought that I ended on...

I am not sure when I might meet someone..
or if I ever will.
But, I am not looking for companionship,
I am quite comfortable alone.
I am not looking for a provider,
I am sinking and swimming on my own terms.
I am not looking for a father for my kids,
they have one.
I am not looking for anything.....

I am waiting for the one
who just wants to be.
And is OK that I just want to be too.
And if by chance we are better together,
then we are apart..
then maybe we are meant to see where that goes.

quite simple...:)

Friday, March 04 2011

As I reflect on where I was,
as I read words
that share my journey,
I see that I am safe!
I see that I am healthy!
I understand
that I am strong!
More importantly,
I am content!

Life has thrown me
curves
that I never saw
coming..
but it has also
bestowed on me
blessings,
I never could
have expected!

The beauty of life
is in the moments that you
know;
you are OK...
today!
this moment!
right now!
It is OK!

and you have survived
the latest storm..
you are still swimming...
and you are doing it
with all that you have
and all that you are!

Today..
I am OK!
Today...
I am doing it well!
Today....
I have the strength I need,
to face;
tomorrow...!

Just go with it...

Why is it so hard
to let life 'just' happen??

I am in no rush!
I love my life...
I love my kids..
I love my friends and family..
and I love my job!

I like
the challenge of school
and managing my home,
and the schedule
of my children s activities..!

I enjoy my pets
and the little cottage
that is mine...

I am excited
about
sharing my heart
at some point-
and sharing
my time....
but, I am in no hurry-

and yet,
the whole,
'just go with it'...
just 'see' what happens;
no worries..
no pressure...
no strings...
no complications...
is hard for me!!

I guess
it is the lack of definition.
this newness
in my dating life..
the new stage
that I am in..
the place
of openness
and opportunities-
involves a lot
of unanswered questions;
and as one
who like to know...
it is quite a challenge!

And yet-
if we had
all the answers
we might skip
the journey...

And so
I learn..
and so it goes..
and so
I shall;
'just go with it'
some more!