Friday, September 18, 2009

10 months

ten months ago...
an anniversary I wish I did not remember
and yet one I will never forget...
10 months ago..I left...fled!
Its marks the anniversary
of the SCARIEST night
of my life!
The LONELIEST weekend
I have ever had!
and the BEST choice I
have made!

It was so scary for so many reasons..
as many woman in emotional scarring relationships
I thought I was alone!
I had been isolated...
and had protected..
and few knew the full scope..
I believed there was a good chance
that the person I was leaving would convince them..
would get them on his side...
I believed that I had to do it alone..
I believed all this because my situation was so typical!
it was text book...
but I had not read that chapter..
not then!
and so out of fear
I did what had to be done
with out asking for support
from those who loved me..
and who I now understand would have stood
by me...
and instead with the help of someone who knew nothing
but was willing to help ..just because...
I left my home..
I left my life....
I left my husband!
I left in fear!
and I left alone...

I wish I could tell you that I left my fear
but its not that simple!
I took the first step
but it was one of many...
and the events had yet to unfold..
I left with my most precious things..
and my pets...

no-one knew..
not my family
not my children...
although I knew they would support me..
they had been begging for this...
the toll was too great!
I was falling apart..
cracking from the outside in..
living with heartache is heavy and sad..
living with emotional torment
and being put down
and hurt..
and broken on a daily basis
is hell....truly....hell!

I knew I had to get out..
I knew there was no choice,
I knew nothing would change..
I knew it would get worse!

And yet, taking that step...
was the hardest thing I have ever done!!!
And then...
I was out..and alone!
I spent a weekend alone..
in a motel..
no money,
no phone,
no family,
no friends,
no one knew where I was
in my fear
I had hidden from all...
and it was the longest, darkest, loneliest weekend of my life..
and yet in the stillness, in the darkness...
I heard an amazing sound;
No phone ringing that had to be answered or else..
no yelling...
or threatening...
no bullying...
The worst was over..
and it was bad!
There was nothing easy about it...
but it was over!
and I would do it again!

I believe for the rest of my life I will remember that night..
but I hope there will come a day
that I will not be able to tell you
exactly how many months AND days it has been...

For now..
the scars are there...
the damage was great..
the psychological ramifications extensive...
for now..each month I remember
and I remind my self
I never have to do that again!

NEVER again will I allow someone to yell at me and put me down..
never again will I allow someone to make me feel like less then I am...
NEVER again will I allow myself to be treated like an animal
and stalked like prey..
NEVER again will I compromise who I am
for someone else..
never again will I live in fear..
NEVER again will I choose another over myself or my children!

and this reminder
sustains me as the months pass..
and as the memory slowly fades
but the lessons stays strong and true..
never to be forgotten...

1 comment:

  1. Yay!

    I so know that feeling. I remember sitting in my own apartment, my children safely asleep, food in the cupboard, cat purring on the sofa and that sound, that silence, that peace.

    I got up and unplugged the phone just in case...

    and sat alone, undisturbed for a long time.

    The entire reason for the experience is wrapped up in the contrast. Without the noise and the violence you would not truly appreciated the peace and the silence. In that way it was a gift. And that's how you move on.

    You brave woman! It's still early days and you've come so far!