forgiveness

Its funny how forgiveness
is not one size fits all..
I am finding forgiving certain things
much harder then others..
and yet,
its not the things you would expect...

I think I have figured out why;
I have an easier time forgiving the expected hurt
over hurt I did not see coming..
no matter big or small..

I was able to forgive my first husband..
seemingly easily,
(although with a lot of heart ache attached!)
I knew he would hurt me one day..
we married young..
and I loved completely
but KNEW I was loving for both of us..
I knew he was not completely mine..
and I knew he would hurt me!
Strangely, I did not think he would leave me..
but I knew he would break my heart!
When he did..
it hurt..
it still hurts..
but, I forgave!
and even in the moments when I feel anger,
its not from a deep bitter place!

And yet my second husband..
I have struggled forgiving!
His hurt not as deep..
but it was unexpected!
He knew who he was..
I did not!
He was petty and mean
and it caught me off guard..
ultimately, He was nothing he portrayed..
and that seems harder to forgive..

and then one of my closest friends..
who chose to walk away from our friendship
rather then accepting me as I am now..
and understanding where I was then,...
has caused, in me, the same inability to forgive..
again, I trusted in the friendship and the acceptance
therefore the unexpected rejection hurts more so...

so, as I ponder this
and know forgiveness is not a choice...
its a must!
its not for others its for me...
and yet sometimes it seems
the bigger offenses seem easier to get past...
or maybe its that in some moments we have to forgive;
for the sake of our children...
so then we hold onto other hurts in their place..
maybe it all gets confused
and the hurt gets tumbled
and you think its about one
and yet deep down your heart does not know
who its angry with
just that it is...
just that its been hurt..
and its hard to let that go..

so you think on it...
and you make the choice..
and bit by bit by bit
you start to let it go...
moment by memory
until you have forgiven the big and the little
the expected and the surprises
and then you will be free!