I have to admit...
that there are certain things about a divorce
that get harder with time..
there are things that get easier..
certainly the hurt is less in time,
certainly the fear gets better,
certainly as you let go
it gets easier..
You make a new life
and you move on...
BUT, for me one aspect gets harder...
The 'other lady' in my now ex's life..
The one whom now shares his heart and home,
is now the 'other lady' in my children's life.
And sometimes I struggle...
They like her..
my youngest adores her...
and she is good to them!
and I am GLAD she is good to them!
SO why do I sometimes feel jealous??
maybe because finances are different in their home..
2 incomes...
therefore more fun activities...
maybe?
maybe because sometimes I have to let go of one of my plans...
times when a movies watched with her is one I had looked forward to watching with my girls..
or a play attended is one I had hoped to share with them...
its selfish!
I KNOW that!!!
and yet its there..
that wish that as their mother..
I never had to share moments!
I never had to bring up something I was excited to do with them..
only to hear its been done already with someone else...
AND yet..
if I had to choose
I would take this over someone who hurts them!
This breaks my heart,
the other would break theirs!!!
regardless of the positive..
no matter how grateful I am for the good...
there are moments
when the other lady in the lives of what used to be MY family
makes me feel really, really bad!
Perfectly normal and perfectly valid feelings...don't get down on yourself for feeling what a human mother feels...you are the mother though and that's something that no one can change..that connection is more perfect, stronger and bigger than any earthly made connection. The mother/child connection is made beyond earth and is infinite and eternal. If you can share them joyfully it is a great gift, one many mothers fail to do well.
ReplyDeleteThe feelings are normal, your actions are extraordinary. You should feel very proud of yourself.
Breeze
I have been where you are- I have felt that same way...
ReplyDeleteBut now my children are grown, my youngest is sixteen. they now feel confident enough to let me know that I am their mother. they know that. I am number one. always will be and so are you.
I feel this way too. With my unkind, jealous thoughts, I feel so petty. I hated the way he behaved so why should I care what he does in the future. I must keep reminding myself its my boy and those closest to me who cared and loved us who are the most important in my life. Pray that all will be well. Hugs
ReplyDelete