When does this get easier

so..
in a new place!
figured it would be simple!
girl meets boy!
they like each other!
they date!
simple!

Only its not!

Why?
because nothing to me
anymore
is simple!

Things are good..
nice, sweet!

and yet
my heart is
fearful and jaded!
If I get too close..
I run!
If we see each other too much
I pull away..
if the future is mentioned...
I freak!~

I have spoken to other
woman..
who were hurt
like me!
They deal with the same thing!
all in different degrees!
Some run too far away,
some run too fast towards...
some are always on edge,
and some just never seem
to be OK alone!
but we all
deal
with the hurts
in some form!

for me...
I have to find that place
that allows me
to move forward
at a pace
that does not disrupt
the precious
balance in my life!
While still preserving
the goodness
in the relationship!

Because it is good...
for now,
for this moment..
the fears are not
based on what is!
the fears are based
on what might be!

The running is not from
a person..
but an idea..!

and the reality is;
I cannot change it!

Instead I must
slowly grow into
this new state of being!

On my terms,
in my time...

I just hope
that one day..
it will not feel
so hard
to let go
and just simply
feel!

how did I miss that...??

Seems that 2 days ago
a HUGE day passed..
and I missed it!
a day I have waited for..
a date I have noticed EVERY
single month
for almost 2 years...

The 2nd anniversary
of the day
I left my hell
and began my forever!

Every month
the date made an impression!
It brought me closer
to being completely free...


I waited so long to date
that the 2 year mark took on
significance
as it seemed I might watch it pass
before
dating someone.
It did not work out that way!

But, still
2 years!
a significant date!
How did I miss it?

I missed it because
it no longer matters!
I am free!!!
It was not the date
that made me free...
it was the fact
that I forgot!!

The date no longer holds
the
power, it once did!

I missed it!
and I am so thankful I did!

so that reminds me....

Now that I am not
as single as I was..
Its hard, in moments,
to remember
why I chose to be alone
for as long as I did!

And then I am
reminded!

I did not choose to be
alone
because I do not like
company!
I do!
In fact,
sharing time with another
is wonderful!

I chose to be alone
to not need that....
however!!

The 'other' in my life
is away for a little while!
And...
I have NOT fallen apart!
My life continues
as normal!
Some of this is by design!
We schedule our time
around our kids
so , often, see each other
in stolen moments...
Some of this
is because
I am just OK
alone...

Last night
I happened to be
in a new part of town..
saw a little restaurant
that looked good!
Went in
alone..
and ate!
No book,
no magazine..
nothing to distract
me
from the fact
that I was eating
without someone else
at the table
beside me!

And I remembered...

THIS is why
I did that!
I chose to be alone
so that I can easily
be by myself,
whether I choose to
or not!
I chose to be alone
to begin to overcome
my dependence
on another!

When I am with
someone
I am happy...
and content!
I am glad to share my life
and my heart!
But,
when I am
not with that person
I am OK too..

and for me-
that makes the years
of loneliness
worthwhile-
and the moments
spent
'not alone' now....
that much more
sweet!

Growing up..so hard to do!

I have lived a blessed life
in many ways!

My parents are here
on this earth with me!
I have not experienced
the loss of a family member,
other then grandparents!

As I get older
I realize that
life begins to change!
Parents get older...
loss is inevitable!

The man that
I am seeing..
just experienced that loss!
His father
lost his battle to cancer!

What a terrible sadness!!

For me,
not only is the loss
and experience
new!
but, the relationship is too!

Another aspect
of finding my footing.....

I am not sure how to help!
What to say!
The history
is not there...
the memories not shared!!

Another chapter
in a manual
not written...

All I can do is ask
and express!
Let this man know
I will follow his lead!
I am here
if he needs me..
but I also understand
that this may
not be a 'role'
he desires me to play!

The older I get
the more I learn
that life
is often about stepping back
and letting others
call the dance steps!
We do not need
a starring role
in every act.

We learn as we watch
and as we listen!
We grow as we learn!

And each step
makes us stronger
then the step before!

single is so-less-complicated then not-so single..

So,
finding my way as
a single woman..
was its own complication!
The loneliness...
The fears....
The wonder 'ifs' and 'whens'...

But, now
I am 'not' as single..
and it seems
it does not get
less complicated!

Instead now
I am trying to understand
the way
this new world
works....

Ex's on both parts
and kids,
whose needs come first!..
work schedules
and responsibilities...
add that to
hurts that are triggered,
and fears that surface unexpectedly!

life is good...
but,
life is not simple!

Simple is as simple does?
maybe-
but some times
life is just more
then you asked for;
less then you expected,
and ultimately
better then imagined!

Complicated...YES!
Worth it? Most definitely!

The changing roads of ME

I think I thought
that I needed
to figure ME
out...
before becoming
an US
with another.

And to some degree
I did!

I learned about
my dreams
and desires,
my likes and dislikes.
I got to know myself
and I learned
to enjoy
my own company!

All good!

What I did not
take into account..
is that who I
am alone,
is different
then who I am with
another!

For many years
I was co-dependent,
I was driven by my
convictions
in spite of others
in my life,
I was unhealthy!

Now..
I hope I am none of those
things..
at least not
to the place I was!
I know that alone
I am stronger then ever;
independent-
and confident
in my ability
to take care
of myself and my children!

Again....All good!

learning
to be alone
and who I am
alone,
is a challenge I faced
and overcame!
one step and moment
at a time!


Now its time
that I learn who I am
with another!
And I can
only learn
that by letting someone
in.

Now...
I figure out
who I AM...
not only alone!
but,
Who I AM
as a whole;
alone, together and in between!

The journey
changes direction..
but is far from over!

cleaning out the cobwebs

One of those days..
Cleaning out the boxes
and the cupboards...

I am in a good place in my life!
I am in a NEW place!
A new relationship!
taking it slowly..
one step at a time!

As I cleaned
I came upon
papers,
and journals..
letters
and emails!

A time in my life
when I was fighting
to be heard!
A time in my life
when I was yelling
into the wind!
There was no sound;
I was invisible!!

As I read
through all the old..
and as I clear the cobwebs
from my heart-
I know I shall never return!

I see that already
the start of the new
is different
then the start of the old!

I understand
that who I am now,
is not who I was then!

I fought to be heard,
when I should have just
fought to get out!
I begged for validation,
when instead
I should have
slammed the door
in the face of evil,
I was desperate
for those around me
to understand,
when now
I own my own choices..
good and bad!

I stand here today
having dusted the cobwebs
from the pages
of time...
and swept
the shadows
from my heart,
and I see clearly....
that
what was
is not
what is!

What is
is yet to come..
and yet to be decided,
but it is not
what has been before!

A fine line between the past and the present..

I have a past!..
I also have a present!
My present is new..
tentative..
slow...
and exciting!

My past is powerful..
involved..
complicated..
and important!

Sometimes
these worlds collide..
the line between them
so fragile.

The man I am getting to know...
has a past also.

The thing when you have children
is your past
is never left behind.
The relationship
always matters!
The connection
is always vital.

So I am finding
a new
stage of life..
is walking this tight rope,
between both worlds!

I made a mistake once..
I threw my past away
thinking it gave me a chance
at a future..
I promised
I would never do that
again..
and I shall not!

I also
have a promising present!
One that does not demand
changes
or ask for primary allegiance!

Above all..
I am learning,
or trying to learn..
how to live
within both the past and the present!
And how to accept and embrace the
same in another!

Learning....
How to define a new relationship
that does not cut out
the old..
how to create safety
for all...
because this matters!

It has always mattered..
I see what can happen when
couples that once 'were',
become enemies that 'are'..
I know how quickly something
seemingly small
can become something
very big..
and when there are kids
the ulitimate goal
is peace!
and so it matters!

And now,
I do not just seek it
in my own life
and past..
but am learning
to accept and understand it
in anothers life and past as well...

A fine line..
a tight rope..
walking without a net!
But, a fall worth taking
for the sake
of the kids,
and a past that once
defined forever!