from there to here...

One year ago...

Sunday, March 7, 2010

well...DUH!!!

I have been worried...
worried that my desire to be alone,
speaks to something deeper.

On the weekends I do not have my kids,
I attend their games and see my friends.
I go to church on Sunday
and hang out with my best friend and others,
but I make no effort apart from that!
I do not call anyone,
rarely do I set up plans to meet..
I look forward instead to my tofu Thai food,
and the movie I will rent,
and the one I will go see.
I enjoy my time alone!!!

This is new for me..
until a few months ago
I kept my weekends busy
with friends and activity!
Now, not only am I alone for most of it..
I am quiet in my alone ness!
I do not run here and there..
I just AM!

I have become more and more happy in my solitude,
and have wondered more and more, could I like it TOO much!?

And then a friend came over to drop something off..
She has walked in my shoes.
so I shared my 'wonder'.
She pointed out something so TRUE!
I was married for 14 years,
my family was my LIFE!
I home schooled my kids,
they were ALWAYS with me.
I loved my husband tightly
and was always available to him.
Alone time was NOT a word in my vocabulary!
Then I moved in with my parents,
as wonderful as they were..
it was not my home..
it was a shared space for all of us.
and when I remarried
it was into a prison.
'nuff said.

I was NEVER alone completely.

And so now?
alone time feels sweet.
I can be selfish.
I can choose the movie
AND the snacks.
I can spend my time my way without guilt!
and so, where I am
seems just right for what I have been through.
And when and if the time comes
that someone else wants a say,
in the movie..
or those snacks:)..
I will be OK with that!
But, I think I will forever
be sure
that 'alone time' is a word
and action
that remains apart of my heart and life!

............
and today...
March 07th, 2011

Alone..
is no longer a state I choose!
Alone..
is never a state I fear!
Alone...
is sometimes a state I welcome.

I would rather be Alone,
then with some one who hurts me!
I would rather be Alone,
then with some one who uses me!
I would rather be Alone,
then with someone who does not see me;
chooses not to know me;
turns from accepting me!

Being Alone,
is always better..
then being with someone
who makes you feel
less of who you are!

In order to learn
you have to take chances..
and sometimes-
in order to heal,
you have to take
those chances back.

I am learning
that I do not have to sit on the sidelines,
but nor to I have to play
the game..
I get to make the rules,
and I get to walk away
when my heart
is at risk
of being on the loosing
team!

so...
I shall let others in..
but their invitation
is in effect,
only as long:
as their respect of me
and who I am
is in place....
because I am not bound-
by fear...

of being ALONE!