wow....that was NOT so bad...

so....
I did something
I rarely do...
in fact almost never!
I went on a date..
a real date!

dinner...
and then when the date
went well,
a movie.

It was nice.
Nice person...
easy conversation...
just nice..
easy...
NOT so bad.

Not sure where it will go..
maybe nowhere...
maybe somewhere....
but, I know
that this event that I avoid
was not nearly
as worth avoiding
as I imagined.

Part of the easiness
of the evening,
came when I realized
I am in control.
I can see this person again,
if he would like..
and I can see him often..
if we both choose...
and I can remain
uncommitted
as long as I am honest..
or I can choose to
get involved..
if we are both on the same
page..
or I can choose to walk away,
as can he!

There is no
pressure...
unless I allow it!
There is no decision
to be made...
unless, I choose
to be a part of it!

So,
a date became a date..
and a second date
..well...
still a date...
and a date with another?
still a date..

A word
that only carries as much
weight
as you allow it too..
when you decide it should.

The sounds of silence...

Tonight is the start of my weekend..
without the kids.

As I sit....
playing on Facebook..
watching the news..
feet on the coffee table...
dogs sleeping near by on the couch..

I feel relaxed.
I know I can sleep in...
I know that no-one
will need cough medicine,
or water,
in the middle of the night.

I am off duty.
I am enjoying the moment..

and then unbidden..
I remember,
I focus..
I understand...
This is not what being a
mom was meant to be!

I was meant to yearn
for nights out with friends!
I was meant to host weekly
sleepovers..
and make weekly Saturday
morning breakfasts..
I was meant to make cliche
statements
about sleeping when
the kids left home...
I was meant to feel cranky
that I was never in the house
alone..
I was meant to think about
'finding myself'
when my kids were grown
and gone.
I was meant to be on duty
ALL of the time...

I was not meant to
be here..
right now...
alone...
relaxed...
still...
enjoying the sounds of silence..
while counting the cost
of the absence.

I take the moment...
because it is here;
it is mine!
But, sometimes,
all I want...
is to give it back!

Friend or foe....

I have started wondering
what type of friend I am
these days??

I KNOW there have
been seasons
when I was an awful friend..
often non-existent....
as I tried to survive my life.

but, now..
as I am healing..
and healthier..

why do I feel
that maybe..
I am still,
just NOT that good
of a friend!!

I think I retreated
into a cave
several years ago!
Like a bear
licking its wounds...
and I wonder,
have I really come out???

I have a FEW friends
that I see inconsistently often,
but I know that I could call
them at any time..
and the same for them!

I have a group of gals
that are my 'coffee' friends..
and we meet at least
monthly,
and FB in between.

I know MANY people...
and get moments to encourage
those in my shoes
sometimes...

and my BFF from high school
is still one of my
very best friends..
but we chat when we can...
not that often!

and I wonder???
why am I not doing more!!!

I love the woman in my life!
I am blessed to love
and be loved by many!

Why?
am I still in my cave!
Why do I only have
the few...
that I choose to see..
and choose rather to be
alone
then reach out
most of the other times!

Does this make me a bad friend?
or am I still finding my footing?

I am not really sure!
and I am not sure
where to start!
because when you boil
it down to the basics...
I am still
a single mom..
who works full time..
goes to college...
and manages my home
and 3 kids!

Is friendship the priority
when time is so limited??

you see...
I think it is!
and I think
its time..
for me to be a better friend!
and in the process
become a better,
more well rounded
me!

A holiday that no longer hurts....

It is fathers day!
A day that has been bittersweet...
the sweet comes from my father
I love dearly!!
the bitter from the hurt
from the loss of the father
of my own kids..
the loss to me,
not them!

however,
this year..
I realize
that even in this last year
so much has changed!
Last year I felt sad as the day approached...
this year?
peace!

It seems the more time
that passes,
the more I reconcile...
not just my marriage,
but who I was
and was not within it..
the more I understand
that where I am now,
is where I want to be!
The more I am able
to separate the father in my
children's life..
from the man
that was in mine...

so today..
I shall help my children
cook their father dinner!
I shall set an example
of honor..
I shall help them celebrate
and cherish their dad.
They will serve him dinner
within their home,
while I run off to coffee..
they shall love,
as always,
freely..

And for the first time...
I feel free
to honor and respect
the role;
their father plays..
without
the tinge of hurt attached!

It takes time...
but, it happens!

A goodbye for good reasons..but it still hurts!

Today,
I said goodbye to my companion!

My golden..Simba.

I relinquished him
to a rescue!
A wonderful group of people...
equipped to care for him!

Why?
so many reasons.
The primary,
he had become aggressive
towards me and my kids..
the secondary,
(possible causes)
he had hip pain (dysplasia)
and grand mal seizures!

I am just not able
to pay for the medical procedures,
and I cannot risk
him hurting one of the kids!

It was a hard choice!
The rescue is wonderful,
they will have him cared for..
surgery, medicine, ect..
and then they will adopt him
into a home
without small children!
Best for him...
sad for us!

So much about Simba
makes me smile to remember...
and some makes me cringe!

He loved us all...
especially the cats!
His favorite was carrying
them in his mouth..
by their heads!
I am sure they
are not as sad about his
leaving,
as I am!!

Simba was an awful watch dog!
HE hid behind me when
he heard loud noises!!
Once he had me walking
around the house with a
BIG stick,
ready to dial 911,
as he cowered
and growled behind me!
His fear was directed towards the kitchen..
turns out the lunch box
on the table,
was casting a shadow..
that freaked him out!

But,in spite of his poor protection skills,
his presence made me feel
less alone!!
At night,
He slept near me
and his groans were comforting
in the dark!

I am alone..A lot!
When the kids are with their dad
I am more often alone
than not..
but a HUGE hairy dog
takes space...
shares breath...
shows affection...
and makes one feel
well...not.. so alone!!

Simba had his issues for sure!
He ate ANYTHING!
electric chords,
porch screens,
metal doors..
and even a pair of eye glasses!
He never outgrew the chewing stage,
did I mention he ate part of my couch?
We had gates up everywhere!

He also never actually learned
to obey!
He would do the same thing
and get caught every time!
He was my goofy dog!

Oh, how we loved him!
EVEN when he made us nuts!!!

I will miss him...
I will miss his presence..
I will miss the way he looked at me..
and how he bumped my hand
with his head
when he wanted some love!
I will miss sighing and saying,
"oh Simba..not again"..
when he ate something I was sure
was indestructible!
I will miss the way the cats
rubbed up against him,
and slept near him at night!
I will miss so much....
and for the moment,
I am remembering
how alone,
alone can really feel!

Its hard to share!!

I have blogged a lot
about the relationship
my ex and I have...
its as good as it gets,
short of being BFF's
or crossing healthy boundaries!

We are able to do things
together,
we talk about the kids...
and we communicate!

But, I admit..
sometimes its hard to share!

Its not so much
that I have to share the time!
Its that I do not get to share
in all the moments!!

Recently
their dad and I
talked about the cruise..
as much as I would like to
go again..
he would like to take them too..
so next year is his!
FAIR!
but, in a perfect world...
I would be on every vacation...
in a perfect world..
so would he.

sometimes, I take them to a movie
or concert
he wished he had..
and sometimes
he takes them to do something
I wish I could have done too...

Its not about anger
or resentment!
Its just about life!

When I became a mother
and envisioned a future...
I pictured the moments,
and never saw
fractured events!
I never imagined
that I would be hearing
about vacations
or movies
or parks..
rather then sharing in the
experience!
I am sure their dad feels
the same way!

There is no way around it!
We have done the best with
what we have!
We respect each others
need for memories and moments..
We both put the kids needs
above our own..
We are both willing
to share...
its just not always easy!

Then again...
the kids are loved
and spoiled times two!!
That is ALL good!

Two Big Events..1 lifetime to take it all in...

Nassua, Bahamas
About to get on the cruise
Floor seats at Taylor Swift


What a big weekend we had.
Starting with a concert..
where by the luck of the draw,
I bought us floor seats
to Taylor Swift!
It was truly amazing...
My girls first concert,
completely unforgettable!!

The next day we left
for our first family cruise!
Huge in so many ways..
we saved pennies and change.
I saved what I earned..
and I was able to pay it off
in cash...
I was thrilled to do this!!

We had a ball..
but it was also hard!!
It was stressful being the
only parent...
one adult..
three kids!
They wanted to do
different things,
and needed to be
in different places-
I was the only
cruise director
on duty!
They are still a bit
young to wander a ship alone..
so, when they needed to go,
I went too..
when they were ready
to come back,
I was there waiting!
I came home quite exhausted,
and a little surprised!!
It has only been
in thinking it over
that I have come to
understand..
why it felt stressful in
moments!!
and remembered that there is
pressure
when one does it alone...

Over all..
it was wonderful
and I hope we get to
do it again!!!
The funny part-
A huge ship..
2 different ports...
fancy dinners..
and cool bunk beds..
and the thing
my kids remember the most??
24 hour a day
ICE CREAM!!
:)
Love it!!

Now back to reality

and once more
I store the memories
and save the pictures....
and am deeply
thrilled
to have been able
to do this
with my little
family of four!

What a DAY....

Many months ago,
I managed
by some fluke...
(more likely a God thing)
to get tickets
(in the 15 minutes before they sold out)
to the Taylor Swift concert.
Not only tickets..
but GOOD tickets!!

So tonight is the night!
The girls are so excited!!
We are heading out for pedicures...
they are listening
to their CD's...

And I am reveling in the moment!
I remember my mom
taking me to my first concert!
Out of all the ones since
I still remember that one the most!!

I believe VERY much in the moment!
Yes,
we should plan for the future
(I will get around to that I am sure!)
but, why do we think
our memories can wait?

I want to know
that I did not put off
the moments
until it was too late!!

The balance
is in not SPENDING
every moment!
some memories
have to be saved!

However,
I find the moments I can
and I plan them!
Knowing
that the memory
was well worth the cost.....

So tonight..
we shall make some memories
take some pictures,
sing some songs..
and store the moment
in the savings account of our hearts!

We REALLY did that.....

My ex husband and I
took a divorce cruise...

my friends giggle when I share this,
but its true!!:)

Its on my mind
right now..
as soon;
my children and I
embark on a cruise
of our own!
I will have many
current memories
to share..

but, now
I am thinking of 'then'.

We did not actually plan
it as a divorce cruise..
we were married and coming
up on 15 years!
So 7 months before
we cruised,
we booked.

A lot happened in that 7 months..
and when it was time to sail,
we were ready to sign the papers
that ended our marriage!

Continuing on the cruise
was a hard decision..
we were going with another couple..
and to Alaska...
I chose to go.
I am so glad I did!

It was surreal..
we agreed NOT to flirt,
or act single..regardless of how close
to the end we were!
We were NOT, in fact, single!
We went on the cruise still married..
maybe harboring hope??

We ate together, laughed together...
we zip lined and four wheeled.
my heart broke a lot...
I journal-ed,
I cried...
I began to let go..
but it was hard watching
what it could 'have' been
fade before my eyes!
Maybe one of the hardest
things I have ever done....

We were good together
on the cruise..
comfortable, friends, companions...
we even WON the 'not so newlywed game'..
and were given marraige advice
by older couples sitting at our table..
sometimes I wanted to scream.
"ITS not REAL..its OVER"..
but, I did not!
I knew if there was any chance
EVER..this was it!

The day the cruise ended..
we wondered...
could we fix this??
but we knew
the world was waiting.
It was easy to be OK in the middle
of the ocean.
Not so easy when life picked up again.
The reality of what was
overcame the fantasy
of the week at sea......

And so,
we went ashore..
picked up our kids
and returned to our home
for the last time..
and 3 weeks later signed
our papers
and I moved out!

I think however,
that cruise,
as surreal as it was...
set the scene
for a positive post divorce relationship.

We have remained
good to each other,
with only a few hiccups
along the way..

So, maybe
divorce cruises
are not such a bad idea
after all....

:-)