I have had a lot of time alone,
and therefore a lot of time to think!
I have reflected a lot on my heart and mind..
on my overall health ;
and looked at any issues that may remain.
ONE crops up here and there..
its this forgiveness thing!
I have tried and almost succeeded!
BUT, I struggle.
My first husband,
I have forgiven!
all involved I have forgiven!
I know him, knew him!
I loved him deeply,
and no matter how much he hurt me
I understand that he did not set out to do it!
I understand that I was a side effect
not the target!
BUT, my 'mulligan' marriage..
I am struggling to forgive!
and it lies dormant..
and then in a conversation
I will relive the details.
and its fresh!
and its there!
I was held hostage daily by his moods!
I was hurt deeply by things he said and did!
My children were affected in ways
that they are still dealing with.
It was a prison!
NOT a life!
That is a smattering of the big picture..
a small piece of a very bizarre whole!
BUT, this person knew who he was!
I was the one fooled!
I was the one who walked in unaware!
and its hard to forgive that!
I have moved beyond it!!
I have healed from the hurt!
And I know that the things said to me
were NOT true!
I know my worth
and am confident in 'me'!
I wonder if I expect to much from forgiveness?
maybe I expect that forgiveness
should always mean a 'reconciling' of sorts!
My first husband and I had that!
maybe, because I equate a renewed relationship
in some form with forgiveness,
I cannot fully let go...
as any contact ever again
is out of the question with this person!
I can just forgive and let it go,
for the simple fact of doing it!
KNOWING that it does not make it OK!
or make me weak or vulnerable
to one who caused me fear!
I am working on it..
I am almost there!
The last piece of the puzzle..
the last link to being whole..
but its a doosey!:)