I have been living alone for almost 20 months now.
Really for the first time in my life..
I am still adjusting to my own 'schedule'
I still find myself looking at my watch
still feeling the need to have things done
by a certain time.
this has been such a lesson
in not just who I am,
but who I was.
I was the 'wife' that planned the day
around when my husband got home.
If I was out with friends
the outing then ended.
The kids needed to be calm,
house fairly in order.
In my 1st marriage this was an expectation
set by me.
In my 2nd a demand in which I had no say.
I lived my life based on some one else's time table.
AND when hubby was gone...
well little got done!:)
dishes would go ignored!
Floors not vacuumed...
PB and J was the norm!
Until of course, right before he came home..
and then the scramble for order began!
Yesterday I had a whole Saturday!
Me and the kids!
And yet the feeling of being on a time table
was still there!
I realized that I am still wired
to feel like someone will walk in,
and be let down if things are not
the way they should be!
But, I also realized
that I DO now live for me!
No-one would know if dishes piled up..
but, they don't...that much!
No-one would know if I never did housework
or mopped the floors..
but, I do!
I am no longer that woman!
The one who did things to please others..
Not because she wanted to
but because she must!
I am ,however, still that woman...
The one waiting for someone to be disappointed
if she gets it wrong and leaves things undone!
BUT, that takes time!
I see that and know that!
The journey is still that..
the destination still a long way off!
But, the mile markers along the way
remind me that when I take a look behind me..
it is evident JUST how far I have come!