I have been living alone for almost 20 months now.
Really for the first time in my life..
I am still adjusting to my own 'schedule'
I still find myself looking at my watch
when alone,
still feeling the need to have things done
by a certain time.
As always;
this has been such a lesson
in not just who I am,
but who I was.
I was the 'wife' that planned the day
around when my husband got home.
If I was out with friends
the outing then ended.
The kids needed to be calm,
house fairly in order.
dinner cooked!
In my 1st marriage this was an expectation
set by me.
In my 2nd a demand in which I had no say.
either way
I lived my life based on some one else's time table.
AND when hubby was gone...
well little got done!:)
dishes would go ignored!
Floors not vacuumed...
PB and J was the norm!
Until of course, right before he came home..
and then the scramble for order began!
Yesterday I had a whole Saturday!
Me and the kids!
And yet the feeling of being on a time table
was still there!
I realized that I am still wired
to feel like someone will walk in,
and be let down if things are not
the way they should be!
But, I also realized
that I DO now live for me!
No-one would know if dishes piled up..
but, they don't...that much!
No-one would know if I never did housework
or mopped the floors..
but, I do!
I am no longer that woman!
The one who did things to please others..
Not because she wanted to
but because she must!
I am ,however, still that woman...
The one waiting for someone to be disappointed
if she gets it wrong and leaves things undone!
BUT, that takes time!
I see that and know that!
The journey is still that..
the destination still a long way off!
But, the mile markers along the way
remind me that when I take a look behind me..
it is evident JUST how far I have come!
If you do remarry, this will sure be something to watch out for.
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely taken me time to figure out who I am now that I'm on my own as well.
ReplyDeleteas a wifey we use to feel as tho we had to have things in order....but NOW since being without ma ex I see about ma kidz on a higher level than before. Not that they was neglected but it alwz seemed that hiz timing was first as a husband. NO MORE or EVER will I let that be the case. I am ALWZ a mom FIRST. I'm finding ma self every day and more with ma kidz. I applaud your milestones, but don't stop for their is a journey just up ahead. *smile*
ReplyDeleteSome people need timetables whether they are on their own or with somebody.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you just need them. Nothing wrong with that.
It must take lots of adjusting to suddenly be on your own and I think you are doing very well.
Maggie X
Nuts in May
I used to be very self-critical and hold myself to unforgiving standards. Divorced and living in a house where I'm the only parent/adult has taught me over the years to be kinder to myself, and do things for me. Sounds like you're doing that too!
ReplyDeleteWell that's one good post there. Thanks.. I enjoyed reading...
ReplyDeletegrants for single mothers
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