sometimes I have to look really hard
to find the mother I used to be!!
I am not a bad mother.
I might be a good mother.
But, I am not at all the mother I was.
I am not sure that's a bad thing!
But, sometimes I do not know.
I was looking through blogs the other day,
several years ago
the blogs I would have followed
and read for hours,
would have been the 'mother' blogs.
Why is that?
I looked around a friends home recently,
the art work hanging,
the home filled with achievements
That is not my home!
My home is kid friendly!
a family home.
But, the children do not dominate the space.
If I had to describe it..
its almost like
we are a unit.
Each of us holds a place in our home.
Each must play a part to make it happen.
None of us take center stage.
I am the mother.
They are the children.
But, we are surviving!
We are finding our footing
and working hard at this game called life.
I am no longer just a mother!
sometimes I miss that!
sometimes I wonder
if I have missed out on the simplicity of what was.
But, even if I wanted to be with my children
every single moment of the day..
(which I loved to do)
they are with their dad weekly.
This is a reality!
even if I wanted to spend my nights
playing games, and reading stories
and playing ball in the park,
I would burn out!
It is too much!
I now see and understand
that I am a mother!
But, I am also a person!
I have many roles to balance,
and as a single mom
every function in the home
is mine to oversee!
I hope that they will remember
the time that being a mom
was my very essence..
but then again
I some times wonder
if that is the legacy I want to leave?
Life after upheaval leaves
you questioning all you knew.
and at the very least
you come away
sure that nothing is black and white!
and sometimes what seems right
can, looking back, seem so wrong!
and sometimes the life you are living now
that can feel so out of sync...
can prove to be exactly where you are meant to be!