High school again....?!?!

So,
as I start this new adventure...
venturing out slowly,
I am providing my friends
with lots to giggle about!

how did it go?
they will ask,
when I spend time
with someone new..
or talk with someone
with potential...
my answer always...?
"I don't know"..
we then dissect the clues..
and laugh over my cluelessness...
Its a new world out there.

I have never dated.
I have 'relationshiped'.

Now, I am learning
what dating is..
or at least I am working
in that direction.

At the end of the day,
the part I like best..
is the part when I smile
knowing it matters
not;
either way.
No matter what shall come
or what has been...
I am content!
I am happy!
I am at peace!

So, I enjoy
this new direction...
I am open
to a future
with possibilities..
but that will not improve on NOW..
because NOW
is where I am happy to be!!

However,
it shall provide my girlfriends
lots of material to discuss
over coffee..:)

Whose to blame....

so a comment
from 'he who
was afraid to be named'..
got me thinking!

Do I blame the men
who have hurt me?
Do I hold them responsible
for my life?

loaded question.
to start;
I like my life!
It was not what I
dreamt
of..
nor, is it always picture perfect,
but I am very content!
I work hard
at all my roles...
and I am thankful
for the life I lead.

So, are they..
these men,
responsible?
yes and no..
without knowing them,
I am sure my path would
be different!
They have helped to shape
me...good and bad!

Do I blame them?
not really!
My first husband..
I understand
and believe that it takes
two people to end a marriage!
How you get there,
and the choices you make
in the process are individual..
but the marriage is between
both...
and the end,
belongs to each.
I know there were things
in my marriage,
that were not
the way my ex would want!
I lived the role
I believed in,
but not the one he desired.
I have owned that!
I have sought his forgiveness
for not hearing him..
or understanding his frustrations.
Did he hurt me?
yes. He really did.
Do I carry blame?
No!
I think him and I
have forgiven each other
for not being perfect..
and for not being ideal partners!

as for the other..
The one I left...
or fled..
do I blame?
a little!
and yet,
I hold myself
responsible
for making very poor choices.
I was mislead and
manipulated.
BUT, if I had been healthier,
taken longer to heal,
been further along in the process,
I would not have fallen
for the deception!
Therefore, I own that too!

So, in truth..
I remember realistically!
I own my part!
I acknowledge my role.
I place ownership back
where it belongs, in areas
I could not control..
and I learn!!

Blame is useless..
reflection invaluable!!

Dear Mr Anonymous,.....

So, It seems I have a
not so nice,
commenter..
who does not
choose to give their
name,
This particular
person,
ironically
only comments
when I talk about
one particular subject...
and they seem to feel
I am all gloom or doom...
never seeing the positive!
They seem to feel
I do not see all that I have....

So...To that commenter
I say this;

Dear Mr/Mrs Anonymous,

please feel
free to read my blog
and actually NOT
skip words...
please take the time
to read;
the peace
and hope
and healing
I have found!
Please have the grace to
see,
that we are doomed
to repeat the past
if we do not
actually
reflect on it,
learn from it..
and maybe even
help others
by sharing it!!

And then
dear anonymous person..
please
you have my permission
to move on!
It seems that something
drives you
to read my AWFUL blog,
which leads
me to believe the problem
is not actually mine!

see ..
writing my blog
makes me happy..
it brings me closure...
it has brought me
many friends..!
It seems that all my
blog has brought you
is irritation!

So, hopefully..
we now part ways!!
Me to my gloom and doom..
and you to a life
that does not involve
my psychotic blog!

love,
ok-
not love.
umm....
sincerely,
ME!

It could always be worse....

Life can feel kind
of nuts..
at the moment!

In truth,
I have more on my
plate
then ever in my life.

And while there
are many ways,
that things could be worse
circumstantially...
(illness,job loss, loss of loved ones,ect)
That is not what gets me through!

What helps me keep my life
in perspective,
is that it has been worse!
And I never forget!

Now, life is full
with kids,
and work,
and college,
and activities,
and church,
and housekeeping.

Then life was filled
with
all of the above,
and fear!

My every minute
was accounted for.
My life was not my own.
My thoughts questioned,
My every move scrutinized,
My actions dictated...
My life a prison.

Even in the moments,
that were more luxurious...
then moments I live now;
bubble baths in garden tubs,
nice furniture to sit on,
a fancy TV to watch,
even a home gym...
the use of those things came
with a price tag.

And here is what I know...
I have less
and I am responsible for more!

And yet,
the less I have does not
just include
less money
and less stuff..
it also includes less stress..
less hurt..
less of being treated like less of a person!
and the more responsibility,
also includes
more friends,
more self respect,
more peace
more contentment!
More of me!!!!

So, yes...
life is not always easy..
but I never forget
that I have lived and left
the hardest circumstance
I have yet to face.
It helps...
it keeps the NOW
in perceptive;
because now is no longer THEN!

deceptively easy....

This dichotomy that is life
always catches me
unaware!

This week,
I am tired..
but, life is scarily under control.

I am on track
with both college classes.
My house is clean.
My laundry is done.
My job, as always,
is going well.
My children are clean, fed and
emotionally as normal as is to be expected!
(teen and 2 tweens...just sayin!)

This week,
I have managed to attend my kids games,
get them to their various activities,
Keep up with all my homework,
make it to bible study Wednesday night,
knit more of my daughters scarf
and run several times as well as exercise daily.
So easy!
Until its not!!

Sometimes a mothers life..
can seem almost bi-polar.
One day all is well,
and then without warning,
something small or huge
can topple the haystack!

I know that this calm
is not guaranteed.
I understand
that I can make all the 'schedules'
and plans I want,
there is no accounting for
human emotion,
tween drama,
sickness,
last minute homework projects
or a crisis with the car!

So, I learn
to go with the week.
If I am super mom
this week..
great!
If I loose all my super powers
next week,
then I shall just hang on
for the ride!

I know that life
will bring me highs
and lows..
it will bring me easy weeks
and weeks I barely survive.
and in truth,
thats what makes it life..
the 'living ' part!!!

So, this week I enjoy the calm
and peace.
and next week?
well. I will let you know then!

Practice for the real thing...

I always thought
that the time I have taken
to be alone,
was just to learn how
to 'not need a relationship',
but it turns out
it has taught me so much more.

As I enter into a stage
of my life,
in which my time
is beyond strained;
I now know
that I was learning
how to balance
and how to deny
my 'wants'
for my 'musts'.

I am in a stage of my life
that requires
hours a night
of homework and reading.
a stage which
calls for concentrated time
to study.
I need to 'be'
not 'do'.

Several years ago,
I stayed busy whenever I was
alone.
I went places,
and bought things..
and visited people.
I did not spend my alone
time at home.
I spent it keeping
my mind off the fact
that I was , in fact, alone.
Then about a year ago...
I had no car
for 5 weeks.
My weekends alone
were spent at home.
I had no choice.
It changed me!

I learned that I could
spend an entire weekend
within the walls
of my home,
and be OK!

In time,
I began to balance it;
I spent time with friends
and spent some time
being busy
and some time being alone.

The lesson was invaluable.

Now, to succeed at school,
my weekends
can not be filled with 'stuff to do'.
I have room for
some time 'out'..
but I have to allow
room
for lots of time 'in'.
I am so grateful
that I already know
how to do this part!
That the hard work is already
done.

and I am surprised to learn,
that the lesson of being
content alone
affects so many more
aspects of our lives;
then we can even imagine!

And so it goes....

Life has settled into
a crazy
but doable pace.
School takes
so much of my time...

but, I have started running
again,
and have found time
to do some knitting...
and have
managed to keep
the house
suitably
clean...
and wear
clean clothes once
in a while!

recently,
someone said
"these are the best years
of your life"..
I jokingly responded;
"thats what I am afraid of"..
but sometimes
I am!

Sometimes
I wonder,
if in the craziness
of being a single mom..
and going back to school..
and working full time;
if I am missing out
on 'just' enjoying years
that I will never get
back!

The truth -
maybe I am!
But, its all I have!

I can put off school
and never climb out
of this financial hole-
never be able to help
my kids with college,ect..
I could slow it down..
and spend the rest of their
years at home
ALWAYS
working towards the goal,
never getting there!
Or I can do what I can,
when I can,
Taking on more then is easy
and less than is impossible.

its not ideal!
But, as moms we do
what we have to do!
and what I know
is that my time with the kids
is still protected!
I create the memories,
and carve out the time..
I go to their games,
and listen to their stories
about their day.
I kiss them good night,
and make a point
of family time...

Its all I have...
Its what I do..
It is my life!
and each moment
counts for something...
each moment is a memory
made
and a lesson learned..

and each moment
brings me closer
to creating a stronger future.

It might really be about time...

not 'about time'...
as in time that I do it..
but 'about time'
as in the reason I should not!

I dabble in the idea
of a date or 2..
I have browsed
the free sites,
and responded to
an email here and there...
but,
when all is said
and done,
this may not be the season!

Life feels nuts!!
Every free moment
I have; is spent doing
college homework.
My kids remain
my priority-
And I protect my time
with them.
But, its bigger
then time;
its pressure!!
I find myself
snapping
and feeling stressed.
I see that I am
overwhelmed
and it manifests
itself
in irritation.

And so,
maybe..
I have all I can handle.
Maybe I cannot
take the chance
at trying to balance more.
Or maybe
I am over thinking...
and life will just work
itself out!

Regardless...
seeking
would be the wrong word
to describe me.
Open..maybe.
Tired and overwhelmed;
most certainly!!..
adjusting..absolutely!

This season of my life
shall last a while..
I hope that I adjust
and find
that I can balance
without compromise..
because if I do not
find that I can..
my children shall
be out of the house-
before I ever date
again!!;-)

The cycles of contentment....

2 years ago
I had to learn to be
content.

It took at least a year!

And then I found it..
that ability
to be content,
alone!

Then I dated.
It was a short
but nice relationship,
that reminded me
what companionship
felt like!

When it ended,
I realized that I had
to once again,
seek out my contentment!
It has taken
a little while..
not a year,
closer to a month..
but, I think I have found
it again!

For me contentment,
is in the small things!
Its a fire in the fireplace!
Its the kids playing wiii
in the room
I am doing homework in..
its a nap on the couch;
with the kids,
or cats,
or both....
Its knitting something
small
that makes my girls
smile..
Its in my life!
It is busy!
I have way to much on my plate!

And it is all mine!

And when I once
again,
remember
that being alone
is not an affliction,
it is instead a state of being!
And in this particular state
of being,
contentment is found
within..
And in this place
in this moment...
contentment is mine!

Taking life on....

For 19 years
I wanted to go
back to school..
but did not!
Why?
I did not have time!
I did not know if I
could handle
the work
after so long.
I had kids.
The list went on!

The irony,
is that now..
at a time
in my life
that I have the most
on my plate,
I am back in school!

And guess what?
I am doing great!
A in my first class!
(whoo hoo!)
enjoying
this new semester
taking 2 classes
rather then one!
Still working full time..
still raising
3 kids,
still being a taxi driver
to a teen
and 2 pre-teens,
still keeping the house
is some semblance
of order.

It makes me realize
that we , as humans,
are so much
more capable
then we give ourselves
credit for!
But, often
we do not find that out-
until we are pushed to
our limits
and come out still
kicking!

There is a lot
I wish
I had not
had to face,
these past 4 years!
But, the good
has been..
my understanding
of what must
be done!
and my determination
to do it,
against all odds!

As cliche as it all is,
I would rather be here
now,
knowing what I know now,
then back
in the past..
where I limited myself
by believing
there was so much
that I just could not
do!

reach for the stars..
and you might actually touch one!

Its a start...

So,
I'm defining my boundaries!

Not yet
my list of hopes
in a future date...
but my list of
what I shall accept and what
I shall not!

To start..
my Faith!
This is vital!
Someone
right for me,
will share my faith
in its entirety!
Maybe not the same
church,
or denomination!
But, the same Lord
and principles.
My faith defines me!
Its too big
of an area of my life
to NOT share with
another!
DEAL- breaker!

An unexpected boundary
is that I do not
want someone
who lives 'on-line'!
Ironic
as I spent lots
of time on FB!..
and blogging!
I do not
want that world invaded!
I do not want to
date someone
who becomes
on-line friends
with my friends
or my family.
I think FB creates an
unrealistic world,
and rushes the natural
order of things!
So, if I meet someone
who loves FB like I do..
they at least have
to accept
that those worlds
do not need
to collide
until the NATURAL
progression of time
brings them together!

And lastly
so far....
I do not want
to be aggressively pursued!
A man
who is willing
to be patient,
and understand my time
restrictions
is a must!
But, a man who believes
that persistence
is the key
WILL drive me away!
This is not true
for all woman!
And I did not think
this would be
true for me,
but time and time again
I am seeing
that it is!
I need space
and balance...
and the bubble
around me,
remains mine...
until
I invite someone in!

So for now..
I do not know
what I want..
but I know what I need!
I am coming to understand
who I am,
and what makes
me comfortable
and what drives me away!

We only learn
as we try!

So,
I am taking
each experience
learning the lesson..
and continuing
to move forward!

Single, complicated and seeking??

I started my New Years morning..
walking
and thinking..

I thought a lot
about what it is
to be single,..
and what it means
to be in a place
of being open
to meeting new people.

Of course,
there is the age old;
how? when? where?
but, bigger then that is;
who? & why?

I do not believe
I have an unrealistic
view
of what it should be.
I do want some sort
of spark..
but I do not want
love at first sight!
I want some romance
with a lot of practicality!

Ultimately
I want to meet someone
that I connect with,
am attracted too..
AND that I share similar
beliefs and values with..!
How hard is that??
ha!
seems maybe harder then I think!

While,
I have not really put
myself out there..
I am doing a lot
of thinking
about what that will
look like when I do!

What are my boundaries?
my deal breakers?
and so...
I shall be working through that
here..
in private
(hee hee!)
on my blog!

and then
watch out world!
or not!!:)