5 years ago today....

5 years ago today my children were in school.
they did not know it was their last day there.
they did not know they would not see those friends again.
they did not know..
nor did I!

5 years ago today my heart was broken.
I was feeling hopeless
I was feeling despair,
I was feeling trapped.
I did not know what I would do...
I fretted....

5 years ago today I knew I had made a terrible mistake.
I knew I should not be where I was
and never should have been there to begin with.
I knew it would not get better.
I knew it was getting worse.
I knew.......

5 years ago today I broke.
I had enough.
I reached my limit.
I decided I would not take it any more.
I fled. I ran.
I left my home, my phone, my hell..behind.
I escaped....

5 years ago today I faced the darkest weekend of my life.
I was lonely.
I was isolated.
I was scared.
I sheltered myself even from those who wanted to help.
I ran from the one I knew would hurt.
I hid....

5 years ago today I faced my dragon.
I stood up for myself.
I found strength within myself I did not know was there.
I shook like a leaf
but I never fell.
I overcame...

5 years ago today I began the process of rebuilding my life.
I learned to accept, let go, understand and start fresh.
I began to provide for myself and my family.
I began to stand on my own feet
and I grew stronger every day.
I healed.

5 years ago today I began to become who I am now..
I accepted my weaknesses
and learned from my lessons.
I learned to see my strengths
and began to value my abilities.
I can look back on my memories
and draw strength from my scars.
I thrived....


Today
I see a woman who was once broken
and yet is now whole.
I see my children thriving
and my life unfolding.
I see peace and joy and contentment.
I grew....


5 years ago...
made me who I am
Today!

my not -so- pretty chip...

Part of healing and growth
is self checks.
Lately I have noticed
a not so pretty chip..
on my shoulder!

here is the thing:
its tough being a single parent.
its tough going to bed alone every night.
its tough worrying about the bills alone.
it tough navigating teen moods without a partner.
its tough planning vacations without a spouse.
its tough being the one to investigate the noises at night.
its tough being the end all, be all on 'your' days.
its tough in more ways then I can list.
its tough.

Sometimes
I feel that few get that.
sometimes
I feel alienated from friends
whose lives look different.
sometimes
I feel isolated
from those who have someone to help.

I have a chip on my shoulder.

I carry my wounds at the surface.
I use my scars as a shield.
I have built a wall around me
because I feel that I have given all I have to give.

And yet what I am finally realizing
is that I don't have to be understood
to be loved and accepted.
I don't have to understand
to love and accept in return!

We each have our burdens.
Many carry crosses I would not bear the weight of.

My life is what it is!
I can compare
I can allow myself to look at those
with 'partners'
and distance myself because 'they don't know how hard it is'..
and I will cheat myself out of the many aspects of life
there are to live.

I did not know this chip lived there
I did not realize how close to the surface my hurt resides.
I did not understand how much my 'isolation' was holding me back.
until I did.

Starting now
I purpose to look beyond the surface
of those around me.
I set out to understand that they may not carry my hurts
but they carry their own.
I commit to accept that no one else has to know
how hard it is, I know.
I intend to look beyond circumstances
and see people for who they are,
and allow them to see me
as more then just a struggling single mom.

I am so much more.
My singleness..
My battle..
My wounds..
do not define me.

Its time to forgive those
who hurt me
by very virtue
of not wearing the same size shoe.
Its time to let go
of who I was
and embrace with open arms who I am...
single..
complicated..
empowered..
me!

lessons, love,life and living....

So much has happened
in my heart
these past 5 years,
yes. five!

seems huge..
seems long..
seems short..
IS significant.
one month from now,
I celebrate a milestone;
5 years since I ran.

I have learned so much.
I have learned that I can love,
and loose
and hurt
and cry,
I have learned
that I can survive
and work
and provide
and protect...

I have redefined
what love looks like..
I have come to a place
of knowing
that what I want
and what I need
might be different.
What I hope for
is someone who is my 'other half'...
no more. no less.

Life has taught me,
carried me..
sustained me..
and existed beside me.

And through it all..
I live.
I live with tears,
I live with laughter.
I live with grace..
and fears.
I live with strength
and sometimes weakness.

I strive for more,
accept what is;
I look to find the breath
within the moments.
I fail sometimes.
I start over.
I wish sometimes...
I dream sometimes..
I wonder sometimes..
but always I am.
Always I become.
Always I live.

forty,fit'ish', frazzled....fabulous

So..
it happened.
I turned 40!
and I feel...
well..
exactly the same.

However,
as I reflect
I know
that I have come to accept
where I am differently!
I still get tired.
I still get overwhelmed.
but what for some,
would be too much-
for me is every day.
normal.
routine.

recently,
I heard a mom at a ball game
say:
"I am doing the single parent
thing for the week.God HELP ME"
and I remembered
that there was a time,
it would have felt TOO much.
There still are moments
that it IS.
But, no longer do I worry,
or fret,
or wonder if I can truly do this..
face this..
live this..
survive this!

I am thankful
that in reflection
I can see how far I have come.
I can own
how far I have to go.
I can accept that single parenting
and doing life alone,
is hard;
no matter how much love and support
you have!
I can believe that this is just
the start..
and something great is waiting.
and I can focus
on the raw and transparent beauty of my life.

I like who I am..
I am comfortable in my own skin..
I have balance and fun.
I work so very hard..
and I play so very purposefully.
I parent with all I have,
and I love without restraint.

I am forty!
I am fit 'ish'!
I am frazzled!
and it feels Fabulous!

Too much Jade..or the right shade?

Recently..
a date that was 'blah' to me,
ended with an attack of words
on the rejected parties part!

I was told that I am too jaded
to see a good thing!
I will admit..
several men have tried to 'woo' me
over the past few months,
and maybe they all would say the same thing!

BUT

here is what I think!
I am a little jaded.
I do not put too much stock
in the pretty words,
and heady emotions
that tend to start off
a new relationship!
I think its fun,
and allow it the due
it deserves..
but what I put value on,
is the part that is too come!!

The part AFTER the 'puppy love'..
the part BEYOND the 'infatuation!

The moment when this man
who thinks the fact that I burn everything
is adorable at first;
has now experienced it
and decided that while its not as cute
as he thought...
its still OK!
THAT part!!

The part where I have gotten lost
several times
or asked for more communication..
or pouted a little because my feelings are hurt,
or brought home a stray cat, or goat or cow:)
...
and its still OK!

the part that follows the beginning!
The part that precedes forever!

Do I believe in all that?
yes!
Why?
because I have seen it in action!
my parents have loved eachother for 47 years!
I have a sister happily married..
and friends who have found love 'again'.
And bigger then that..
I believe in the perfection of my father above's plan.

So, I am hesistant!
and I am careful!
I do not rush to give my heart
because I know that when I do,
I will give it completely!

but, jaded beyond measure?
no...
smart?
careful?
aware?
yes, yes and yes!

beyond hope?
not on your life!

Sticks and stones

We all know sticks and stones can hurt..
we also know that words can harm...
but what about;
disapointment,
disheartened hope,
broken promises,
deception,
misleading...
that does not just harm;
it changes a heart!

dating again...
or trying,
after 2 bumps in a row
has proved much harder
then expected!
I read so much into words,
I feel like I have heard them before,
I see danger in every sign,
and red flags are in everything!

I know that in time
I might trust more easily,
and I understand that my new
found caution
has been earned honestly;
one hurt at a time.

but, in this moment;
I regret the trust I gave..
because it seems to have cost me
the ability to trust again.

and yet I remember
thats its just for now..
always just for now..

should have been..instead....what is!

 

                                                       I just spent an amzing few days
                                                                        on vacation...
                                                  I was supposed to be doing something
                                                                             else..
                                                               but life threw me a curve!
                                                                         Instead..
                                                                          I did this!
                                                                and loved every minute....

 

Time with a friend..

giggles..

and dinners..

and kayaking through a perilous

ocean storm...

Time alone...

time to think...

and walk..

and reflect...

above all:

a few days to be reminded,

that we make our own memories..

we hold the power to create our

own experiences;

and sometimes what should have been

does not measure up

to what instead IS!

The color of happiness...

I was paid a very
nice compliment today
when someone told me;
"happiness looks good on you"..

it made me think..
I am happy!
and yet,
its been a brutal 6 months.
back to back
misses...
hurts..
mistakes...
lessons.

And yet,
I am happy!
I am not defined by the people
who say things
that I hope they mean..
or the moments
that feel to good to be true.
nor am I defined by
the questions and doubt
left behind.

Instead..
I can learn!
I can know to trust my gut
the next time.
I can choose to walk
when flags fly,
instead of taking a risk
when I know what the
outcome will be!
I can take a chance..
or play it safe.
but I will face it with eyes more open
then ever before.

regardless..
its a lesson.
its not who I am...

Who am I?
happy!
christian!
mama!
daughter!
busy!
kayaker!
shooter!
girlfriend to many!
sister!
runner!
swimmer!
vacationer!
reader!
.......and more.....

I am so much more
then the disapointments...

I am not sure what the color
of 'dadgum, I did it again'
looks like..
but I know that wearing the color
of happiness
brings out my best!

The sliver lining...

so as of late..
life has taught me
that its time to take
a step back...
to reevaluate my hearts choices,
and to heal from
the hiccups along the way!

I could wonder
at the whys.
and I could cry over
the seeming 'lack of love'
in my life..

but, I don't and I won't..
because
the silver lining in my life,
in the contentment
and 'fullness'
of the life I live.

One of reasons for the depth
of joy I feel is;
I am blessed with 
truly great friendships!
Not just one or two..
but several!!!

I have the friends that are my safe place.
That know me.
Get me.
accept me.
and take care of me.
I have a couple of friends that I can
spill it all too.
the good, the ugly, and the questionable.
I know they won't judge,
or tell me only what I want to hear.
I have the friends that I can just
pass time with.
sometimes with heart to heart talks,
and sometimes idle chatter!
I have the friend that knew me then,
and knows me now,
and will call me on my choices.
and yet, supports me when I go the
wrong way!
I have the friend
that pushes me outside my limits
and are always up for some thing 'new'.
I have friends who read my heart
and catch me when I fall.
I have friends that I can laugh with
and be completely me.
I have a friend that I can walk with,
for miles..never running out of things to say.
as we catch up on health and life.
I have the friend
that I enjoy day trips
and even nights away with..
beach days,
and lake afternoons.
Who is easy to be with,
and I am always enriched by our time.
I have the high school best friend..
that is my best friend still, 20 plus years later.
and more..

Some people wait a lifetime
for a friendship
that stands the test of trial and time..
I have been blessed by many.
Friends I see every few months
and even every few years..
friends I don't go more then a few
days without chatting with!
Friends I walk with, talk with, travel with,
cry with, complain with, brainstorm with,
laugh with...

I may not have met 'Mr right'.
I may not have found a man who
will treasure my heart for the rest of time..
but I have the gift of friendships.
that enrich my life
beyond measure.
truly a silver lining
in my single life.

single bucket list in progress....

Last summer I stared a single bucket list,
things I want to do
with or without that special someone.
I crossed a few things off...

1) Salsa lessons
2) Self defense- learned to shoot a gun!
3) Cooking classes- changed my mind!:-)
4) Painting class- found the teacher..its a start!
5) Blond highlights in my hair- done
6) Line dancing- done
7) Loose 5-10 pounds- doing
8) Get a facial
9) Start my book
10) Kayaking or canoeing
11) Weekend camping trip
12) Camp at Disney
13) Take a surfing lesson- does a surfing experience in Miami count?
14) play my guitar- did, and decided not so exciting to me!

And so,
I pulled back out my list!
and decided its time to make things happen!

Kayaking is still on the list.
Now I am adding traitholon.
which means riding a bike.

Will be working on my list..
whats on yours?

Remember when...

Tonight I had a 'flash back'..
to a time when life was NOT content.
I was transported to a memory
which found me
sad, and desperate, and scared.
I remembered what it was to crave
freedom..
and to long to be released.
In that memory,
I also walked through
the strength it took to leave.
The power I had to summon
to face my fears,
and live out my bad dreams.
And what I remembered most?
is that I did it!
I survived!
I overcame!
and now..
life sometimes hurts!
It some times makes me wonder
why?
and when?
and what next?
but, it does not find me hiding..
or cringing..!
so remembering 'when'
helped me to remember that 'now'
I will be OK!
more then ok...!
I have faced worse and survived.
this?
piece of cake!

fearless...

Fearless in love,
what does that mean...
how does that look?

The last time I was fearless..
I was seventeen.
16 years later
I had to reevaluate if my lack of fear
had paid off.
What I knew
is that now fear of being hurt
must be my friend;
and partner!

And yet still..
despite caution
I found myself trapped..
cornered...
panting for air..
desperate to run...
crying for escape.

hunted.
shaking.
hidden.
searching.
hurt.
scared.
haunted.
secluded.

fear was no longer a choice.
fear was demanded by the lifeline
of my very being.
fear became the casing wrapped around my heart!
fear became the mantra of my soul.
fear became my battle cry.
the blood pumping through my heart
whispered 'be cautious' as it flowed.
the rhythm of my heart,
beat to the timing
of a warrior chant.

fear was my saving grace...
protecting me from what was.
but also keeping me from what might be...

Until I fell in love.
Now fear has turned a corner.
No longer do I fear a forever..
or a deception.
or that I am missing a puzzle piece.

Instead I fear a lifetime of not taking a chance.
I fear missing moments that I might never get back.
I fear living without truly living at all.
GREATER then my fear of getting my heart broken..
is my fear of not letting my heart
know true wholeness and complete love.
No longer is the scariest thing
the strength of my feelings...
and all that could go wrong;
but rather living a lifetime
never knowing what my heart
is truly capable of giving
and accepting in return.

And so..
I have begun to let the fear go..
I have stepped into the feelings and emotions
and let my heart soar.
I have stopped adding 'but' or 'if' or 'maybe'
to the end of my sentences....
I have opened my heart
and given completely of me.
I have decided to take the chance
that was handed to me..
and I have accepted the odds.

I am standing on the edge of the precipice
of fearlessness,
knowing as I dive off the cliff..
I will never look back.

A free fall
into a forever
that will never look the same again.

Learning to fall....

I am learning that falling

is easy..

its the landing thats scary!

What will be waiting when you get there..

will the landing be soft?

or will it leave you broken and bruised?

will the landing be followed

by a journey,

or will the journey

end with the fall?

and yet, of all the aspects
of the ride,

the fall can be the prettiest..

the most graceful..

the biggest rush!

It's the scariest..

the most thrilling...

the part of the ride with the

fewest guarantees..

but, if by chance..

the fall

is the beginning

of something

that you have yet to even imagine;

you may not be falling;

you may actually be learning

how to fly!

a rational risk..

so once again..
I face the end of what was..
the beginning of something new
that is still
yet to come.

For no sinister reason..
no unkind exchange..
no spite or malice:
just life-
just timing-
just:
not for us.

And yet,
no matter the reason..
it hurts!
The loss of HOPE,
the missing of what WAS
or might have been.
the acceptance
of heading out THERE again.

I had almost forgotten
how a heart ache could feel..
almost!

But, I have learned
that the heart never forgets!
A small bump,
a severing cut,
a painful bruise...
after a while it all feels the same!

The hurt travels
down a familiar path-
no rhyme or reason
and no reprieve!
The mind can gain an ability
to be objective
that the heart never does!

I have hurt before..
I have certainly lived through
my own personal hell..
of heart break and loss!
the loss of hope is sad
but not devastating!
a set back, disapointment
or bump in the road- is just that!

Could someone mention
that to my heart?
please?

Harder still..

It is  not often that the past is on my mind..
I have healed from even the worst,
and have learned the lessons well.

but once in a while...

Lately at work I have been tired!
I even uttered the phrase;
"Hardest I have ever worked in my life"..

and then I remembered...

A time in my life when I was woken before the sun,
and my morning started at a run.
sitting was not an option..not for leisure!
There was a large house to clean spotlessly,
an office to manage,
Children to homeschool.
errands to run,
meals to cook,
swim lessons to teach,
boxes to carry,
lists to follow,
schedules to keep!

After all;
I had to earn my keep!

Not to mention:
there were verbal bullets to dodge,
and refuge from deep hurt to seek!

My day began early!
It ended late!

A real life cinderalla..
with no hope of a prince!

I was SO tired!
I remember 
KNOWING
that I would probably never work
so hard again !
I knew then..
that come what may...
No matter what was to come
as a single mom....
I had faced the worst!!

And yet,
I forget!

The memories fade..
The pain is lost...
The fabric of the experience
woven deep within my mind!

Until now:
when I need the memory,
when I need to draw on my past!

That is why we learn the lessons!
So that when we feel we cannot go on,
when we are weary-
when hope feels far away;
we can draw from what 'was'
and be reminded that it shall
never 'be' again..
and our strength from 'then'
provides the very needed
'push' for now.

Lessons well learned
become strength in reserve!

A life long friend ...

This is a happy birthday..
To a woman I call my best friend still..

We met when we were 14...
Something connected us!
She was blond with brown eyes..
I was brunette with blue!
She needed just a few close friends-
I never met someone
I did not think I would know for life!
She was crazy..
I was ditzy!
She was the good student
I was a mess!
She has an insanely clean room
I had never seen my floor!!
We balanced each other!

Our high school years were spent
Having sleepovers ...
Perming each others hair
And piercing our own ears!:)
Going to concerts and of course
Talking about boys!

The friendship that formed
Was thicker then the tears we each cried
over puppy love
And high school drama-
It carried us through decades of life to come!

Hers was the voice I wanted to hear
When I felt all alone and miles from home..
She was the friend I turned too
When my dreams turned into a nightmare...
She wiped my tears and held my hand!

As time passed and I refound my footing
Our friendship has evolved
And we have become each others safe place!

We don't have to talk daily or even weekly..
And yet when we are together
It's as if time has stood still!

I am thankful beyond measure
For a friendship
That has stood the test of time and trials..
Happy birthday nance!!!