This has been a hard few days...
and yet I think its needed...
It seems that the finalization of the divorce
left room in my heart..
for all the hurts yet un-explored.
As if the 'closure' of one
ripped open the wounds of another!
I am not stuck in those feelings..
But I do realise that many were
shoved aside, ignored, or denied..
because it hurt to much
and the truth was too ugly!
Many around me said
I never got angry!
Many were concerned
at my instant forgiveness
when my husband of 14 1/2 years left...
at the time I knew that I loved him
too much to not forgive!
I knew also that anger changed nothing..
and that the children would benefit from grace!
Thats all true..
and yet, I am learning that you cannot just
let anger go..
you must allow yourself to feel it;
and then overcome it!
The alternative is a form of denial
and eventually you will succumb to it..
like it or not!
And yet..anger for me has not come..
its come in flashes..and bursts..
but nothing earth shattering!
And then out of the blue..
in a normal moment..
it hit me!
How could he???
how could a man leave his wife and home after 14 years?
Knowing he had promised her forever?
Knowing she trusted him completely with her heart
knowing she had never worked,
as she had devoted herself to the kids...?
knowing she had never loved another..?
knowing she was scared to death
and would do anything to keep the family
knowing she truelly had no clue how to make it
Knowing his children were devastated and desperate
to stop the events occuring??
how do you walk out?
and if you do..how is that OK!???
I felt it!! FINALLY!! almost 3 years later!
The total selfishness and wrongness of the act!
and it hurt like hell!!
It hurt to face truth about someone
you loved so completely
It hurt to feel the depth of the betrayal and rejection!
It hurt to face the reality of the behavior!
And I wish I could say it hurt
but feels great now!
NO, it still hurts!
BUT, it hurts in moments now..
it is not a state of being!
The truth is freeing..
and once faced the forgiveness I have given
is truelly mine to give!
I am still glad for the amiacable 'relationship'.
I am still on 'friendly' terms with his love...
I am just no longer in denial about what happened
nor do I make excuses in my heart
as to why it happened!
It was a hurtful thing for one person to do to another!
It was an act that hurt our children
and changed our future!
It was an act that benefited only the person
committing the act...at the time!
As God promises...
good has come!
I no longer regret the choices..
or wish for a different outcome!
BUT, I see that in order to become whole..
I must take each hurt and emotion
and face it!
I am broken...but no longer completely!
And as I feel the stabs and cuts of betrayal and hurt..
and as I face head on the anger and resentment..
I become whole..
little by little
piece by piece..
and I believe one day a faint scar
will be all thats left
to remind me of the journey..
and path I followed...
to beome whole and complete!