Today in church
the pastor used the phrase
"so that we won't be caught unaware"
the phrase struck me
and hit my heart...
tears immediatly formed
and I realised and felt the hurt
that comes when you are not
I think in loss
its always hard.
BUT I believe its the moments
that truelly catch us unprepared
that we take the longest to recover from.
My first marraige...
was truelly a
'caught unaware' moment!
I never expected him to leave...
ironically I did expect him to stray..
and the reason that
a marraige ending
and a man straying
were seen as such different things
at that time..
is a whole other topic.
But, I believed he would stray
I believed that men NEVER leave
for the mistress...
I believed that the life
I protected so carefully
no matter the hurts in the path ahead!
However, I was wrong..
and the shock
still catches my breath in moments!
I was hurt by all that happened..
rejected and betrayed..
but in the 'unseen' events
I was devastated.
In my second marraige...
I saw the control..
thought I could handle it...
saw the jeolousy..
thought it would get better...
I saw the perfectionism and obsession..
thought..who knows..what I thought..
but while those things became too much,
they never surprised me..
instead I was dissapointed at the extent
and the damage done..
but what I never saw coming?
A few weeks into the marraige..
and this man,
who had possesed me with 'supposed' love..
and treated me like a treasured artpiece...
in our 'courting' days...
began to cuss and scream,
he called me names,
he called me worthless..
inadequate,unintelligent and worse...
he used past hurts as weapons....
He became my worst nightmare...
I will never forget that first time..
there were many that followed..
and it got worse not better...
but I was numb by then..
that first time I was in shock
that someone who loved me would say those things,
that any person could talk to another that way..
That a man could be so angry, scary, and volitiale..
a man in whose home I now lived...
That I had been so blindsided..
and while it all compounded..
the true hardening of my heart
began in that moment that I was caught unaware...
and NOW I wonder,
how fear of being blindsided again..
will not prevent me
from taking a chance?
if you are caught unaware twice..
what are the chances that you can make the right choice?
a hurt so deep my heart still bleeds...
in an unexpected moment...
I know you can't predict!
But I can't pretend
that I am not guarded
because I truelly believe
the worst hurt..
is being caught