Sunday, May 3, 2009

Caught unaware...

Today in church
the pastor used the phrase
"so that we won't be caught unaware"
the phrase struck me
and hit my heart...
tears immediatly formed
and I realised and felt the hurt
that comes when you are not
expecting it.

I think in loss
its always hard.
BUT I believe its the moments
that truelly catch us unprepared
that we take the longest to recover from.

My first marraige...
was truelly a
'caught unaware' moment!
I never expected him to leave...
ironically I did expect him to stray..
and the reason that
a marraige ending
and a man straying
were seen as such different things
to me..
at that time..
is a whole other topic.
But, I believed he would stray
but stay.
I believed that men NEVER leave
for the mistress...
I believed that the life
and family
I protected so carefully
was safe..
no matter the hurts in the path ahead!
However, I was wrong..
and the shock
still catches my breath in moments!
I was hurt by all that happened..
rejected and betrayed..
but in the 'unseen' events
I was devastated.

In my second marraige...
I saw the control..
thought I could handle it...
saw the jeolousy..
thought it would get better...
I saw the perfectionism and obsession..
thought..who knows..what I thought..
but while those things became too much,
they never surprised me..
instead I was dissapointed at the extent
and the damage done..
but what I never saw coming?
A few weeks into the marraige..
first fight..
and this man,
who had possesed me with 'supposed' love..
and treated me like a treasured artpiece...
in our 'courting' days...
began to cuss and scream,
he called me names,
he called me worthless..
inadequate,unintelligent and worse...
he threatened...
he accused..
he used past hurts as weapons....
He became my worst nightmare...
I will never forget that first time..
there were many that followed..
and it got worse not better...
but I was numb by then..
that first time I was in shock
that someone who loved me would say those things,
that any person could talk to another that way..
That a man could be so angry, scary, and volitiale..
a man in whose home I now lived...
That I had been so blindsided..
and while it all compounded..
the true hardening of my heart
began in that moment that I was caught unaware...

and NOW I wonder,
how fear of being blindsided again..
will not prevent me
from taking a chance?
if you are caught unaware twice..
what are the chances that you can make the right choice?
what prevents
a hurt so deep my heart still bleeds...
from happening
in an unexpected moment...

I know you can't predict!
But I can't pretend
that I am not guarded
and scared...
because I truelly believe
the worst hurt..
is being caught


  1. Even two bad marriages, although making us more aware and cautious, does not mean the end of love.
    Time to find out who you are, what you are about, what you want for YOU. And when love happens, you wont have to settle to be happy because you will already be happy WITHOUT a man and he will be the bonus.
    Find Reba McIntire's song 'How was I to know' It is exactly how I felt after my marriage ended.

  2. I hurt for you when I read this. I'm so sorry you went through that. Praise God you are safe now and healing. God has a wonderful plan for your life.

  3. Having been through something very similar to your first situation, and having the benefit of being 4 years out, I'll tell you what I've learned...

    Each time you're hurt, you learn a lesson (or more than one... and you learned some of the hardest... the hardest ever). After, you have to learn to trust yourself... your gut as much as your heart (you will do it). And you have to learn to forgive yourself for not doing it before (you will do this, too). And you have to learn to love yourself the way you want to be loved... and it'll happen. I believe it. But you have to give yourself time to heal, without worrying that it will happen. Just be for a while... just be you... heal you... find you... and don't worry about mistakes you might (or might not make!) again... OK? XOXO

  4. i wonder at all you have been through Deb and why you were required to experience it. My only thoughts are that you are being 'trained' to help others in the future who will one day share your experiences...

  5. Lisa makes a good point. There is usually a huge lesson in it, a lesson that can be of service to others.

    We can never truly be sure. The only thing we can do is have complete and utter trust in ourselves to be able to love and live and move on if we need to.

    You know your worth. You chose the men that you loved but they chose their behaviour. You don't own that. You have no fault. You may have regret but you have no blame.

    Meanwhile I think you likely help a lot of people just with the blog.


  6. I think you'll be very aware moving forward. You've been through a lot.

  7. Every post of yours I read I see a stronger woman emerging. Not that you were weak before, just blindsided. I am so proud of you and how you have handled this all with integrity, grace, and the strength of a Godly woman. Pat yourself on the back, you certainly deserve it.

  8. Being caught unaware can be devastating. The key is to take the lesson, leave the experience behind and apply the lesson as you go forward. What were the lessons in each relationship. While at first glance one might say the lesson is to not trust I am sure that it is much deeper than that. Once you do get the lesson you will then be able to move forward and to allow the possibility of another true relationship.
    Hugs! You have been through much and you are still standing!
    You may question, are you enough, do you have enough ... the answer my dear friend is yes! You are enough!

  9. My prayer for you is that you will be caught unaware by God's unending grace and His deep love for you. And maybe, if it is His will, one day you will be caught unaware by love again! Believe me, it was the last thing I expected but it happened to me only after I rejoiced in His love for me.