Beautiful connections!

It has taken me being without a man in my life,

to understand how pure and special

the love between friends is.

The woman in my life now

are there for me..

and love me.

it is quiet and it is strong.

and I have come to know

that these connections are a part of me..

a part that makes me stronger!

But, I have not always known that!

When I was married

my deep desire was for a strong connection

with the man I loved.

I believed if he loved me and was my 'friend'

that was all I needed.

Of course, this was not the role

he wanted in my life..

but I kept seeking it!
and I turned away,

or kept at arms length

my friends.

I loved them and needed them.

I loved to be with them.

but, it was in its own space,

I did not understand the deep need

that friendships,

deep friendship

can fill.

It has taken me

really understanding

the friendships

I have..

to yearn and long for

the friendships I have lost!

I wish I knew then

what I know now..

But, those 'wishes'

only make me appreciate

the moments I have now...

the friendships I have now..

and the memories that were.

One of the many lessons

In this journey..

Has been learning

How to be a friend!
and how to accept

And let down the walls

With the friends I have!

A lesson that now learned,

I plan on never having to learn

Again!

Darn pity party...

I seem to be having one at the moment..
as my blog conveys
I tend to live in a pretty happy world.
Life is HARD!
Life has HURT!
BUT, I am content with where I ended up
and probably more importantly,
who I ended up
through all this!

But, once in a while...
I still hurt!
There are several things hurting my heart.
all will probably require different posts!

The first is a little bit of loneliness.
Normal..but yuck!
The second is a friendship
I lost a while ago
that is at the surface right now;
In addition my oldest
is at camp for 8 days
and I miss him.

and the last...

My ex husband is having a family reunion
this weekend.
Every 2 years for many , many years
this was a part of our summer!
My kids went this year.
I still keep in touch with several
of my now 'out' laws...
and I guess the reality
of what divorce is,
is hitting me a bit!

Its a divorce from more then one person.
It cuts you off from people and events
that have been part of your life!

In addition..
This year would be the year
I would be comfortable being there..
and the first family event
he did not invite me too!

I get this,
his relationship is serious
and as much as we all get along;
I can see where that might not be comfortable
for her..or even him!

BUT, its just hit this tiny little nerve
that is still open and raw in my heart!
as all things this shall pass!
as all hurts it will go away!
and as all trials,
2 years from now
this event will not hurt as much
as it does this year!

The power of healing..
each steps takes you one step away from the rawness
and one step closer to being whole!

this again...

over 19 months (but whose counting)
without NOT only a relationship..
but even a date..
sometimes
gets me thinking..

now in fairness,
I am not sure I would have wanted
it differently!
I tend to run
whenever the subject comes up.

But, in truth
now I am not opposed to the idea
but I am wondering
how realistic the opportunity
will even be.

See here is the thing;
not only am I a mother...
and a pet owner/ animal lover..
and earthy vegetarian...
three things that some could live with out;
but I also have a strong faith!
and my faith dictates my lifestyle..
that means, by my OWN personal choice;
I don't drink-
or have s*x,
I am conservative
in who I am,
and how I live.
This is me!
not someone else's life
just mine..

but suddenly
I have come to see..
that even those
who believe like I do
do not always want to live like I do
and therefore
I am not their cup of tea.

well sheesh..
so if the 'bad boys' are out...:)
now, the 'good boys'
are taking them selves out of the running too??
lol!

Thankfully life is good
and I am happy with my garden,
and cats..
and dogs...
and green beans:)
oh..and of course, those kids of mine!

no worries..
no rush..
just questions!
When all is said and done
life would be quite boring
if we lived with out wondering
and looking at who we are,
and why we choose what we do.

I certainly ponder
but its not in sadness
or worry..
rather in curiosity
and even excitement!

As ultimately,
I understand that what shall be
can only be better then what was!

The smell of freedom...

I wonder if I will ever tire
of the feeling..
or forget...!

recently I read a quote that intrigued me;
"A familiar captivity is frequently more desirable
than an unfamiliar freedom."
C.S.Lewis

I get that!
I remember when the 'what if'
seemed less desirable
then the 'what is'.

BUT, now that I know
what it is to live 'free'..
to not walk on eggshells,
or shake with anxiety....
to not worry and wonder
and stress
and fear....

NOW-
I do not think
ever
I could go to captivity again!
no matter how comfortable
it might seem to be!

I walked out my front door tonight-
heading to pick up my kids
at a local event!
still in running clothes,
little makeup
and hair in a pony tail...
JUST me!

I took a deep breath!
and I STILL I feel it!
still I smell it!
still I sink in its embrace...
I am free!
and it still feels amazing.

just a taste...but enough

so..
for a while
I lived a life that is very different
from the life I live now!

I lived in a bigger house,
got to clean and dust nicer furniture:)
went on a few interesting trips..
spent time is ritzy stores,
carried a fancy purse
and wore designer clothes..

.........for a while!

I ran from that
and all it involved!

The other day
I looked around my TINY bathroom,
clothes hanging on the door;
(we have a closet shortage! LOL)
a cluttered counter
as there are 4 of us
using the space..
and I thought;
"How did I get here from there?"
AND then LIKE a blinding flash
it hit my heart;
NO..
"How did I get THERE from here?"

Because this is who I am!
A mother,
who would rather hang out with people
then dust the chandeliers!
A woman
who prefers hippy dresses
to expensive pants!
A person
who is content
in the clutter and chaos
of her small home
and her simple existence!

To be there?
meant compromising
the heart
that is happier
HERE!

My hero...

As father's day draws close,
I have torn feelings.

On the one hand...
There is the sadness I cannot help
but feel,
on this specific holiday..
over the missing counter part
in my life;

On the other hand..
is the deep thankfulness
I feel
for having the father I do.

I am the definition of a 'daddys girl'.
As a child,
when I was sick or hurt
I wanted my dad,
and he made it all better!
There have been so many moments
of my 'grown up' life that he has done the same..
caught me and carried me
when I have fallen.

I was 21 when my world turned upside down
for the first time;
marraige in trouble..
heart breaking...
young life in turmoil.

I lived several hours from home;
I flew home
needing my family,
and needing some air...
I got off the plane
and collapsed sobbing
into my fathers arms.
"I got you, I got you"
was all he said.
It was all that was needed..
I knew then,
and I know now
that I am not alone.
That I am loved and I am cherished.
I have the love of my father in heaven,
and the love of my father on earth..
In this I am blessed beyond measure!!

I am thankful for a father
who has shown love, loyalty and honor.
I am thankful for a father
who has loved my mother so deeply
for so many years.
I am thankful for a father
who served his country,
served his family,
and above all his Lord.
I am thankful for a father
who is more then my dad,
he is also my friend.

I love you Dad-
Happy fathers day!
I am SO thankful for you!

hard to get but vital to me...

So, I talked today for a few hours...
to my ex's girlfriend.

and I am constantly amazed
at the place we all are.
In fact she pointed out
the health between ex and I..
and the reality I shared with her;
is that I believe the health comes
from us each knowing
we are not meant to be together.
Neither holding out hope,
Neither holding a grudge ,
and each taking ownership in our demise.

As I spoke with her,
another aspect of all this
is clear..
the acceptance of the 'other'
has brought peace and healing!
Sure, there are moments
that still make me catch my breath.
BUT, the hurt is not from now..
it is instead as a result of what I hoped would be.

I am grateful for the moments..
where all the stuff fades
and whats left is two people
who have loved the same man..
and who have each felt hurt as a result,
and now have chosen to move forward
as allies versus enemies.

It all comes together..
and one day
will allow
a healthy relationship
for me....
the baggage , while still mine,
will already have been checked and stored on board!
Not a burden or a factor...

freeing!

redirected memories

The kids and I spent the first day
of summer...
at the beach!
We really enjoyed ourselves!

As I watched them swim,
of course,I thought of when they were small!
of course, I remembered,
Years of family vacations...

I walked out in the water,
and remembered that their dad
used to be the only one
who could coax me into the waves....

And a funny thing happened!
I SMILED!
It does not hurt,
nor make me angry!
I have not rewritten history,
in fact I remember well..
the disconnect.
I remember well
my need for his attention
a need that often went unfulfilled.
But, that no longer matters!

Now, I can remember
watching the kids playing in the water
with their dad
and I smile!
Now I can remember
sitting as a family in the sand
and I smile!
Now I have accepted
that I am where I am meant to be...
And I Smile!

The circle of life..
you come through the pain
and the hurt!
and the memories that once made you angry,
or felt like a betrayal..
now are just a part of your heart history!
and like all history
it carries its own baggage!
But, in time all that matters
in the part of the history
that you choose to carry within you!

The part that can no longer hurt you..
the part that is a part of who you are,
and the part that makes you better
for having lived it!
and no person or circumstance
can take that away!

Lessons are never free

There is so much
that life has taught me
these past several years!

So many lessons about hope,
and faith..
and the human heart!
I have learned about strength,
and I have also learned
you are never to strong to fall.
I have learned lessons
in grace
and compassion
and hurt.

Every lesson had a price tag!
some times I was the one who paid..
some times someone else paid the price
so I could learn!
But, I have also learned,
that in those moments
that my lesson cost another..
I repay the debt in heart ache!

What sets us apart
as compassionate people
is we hurt when we hurt another!
I am deeply grateful
for the lessons
that will forever change the way
I live my life!
and equally sorry
that others some times bear the brunt.
My children
overall!

When all is said and done..
maybe honoring the cost,
by living your life reflecting
what you now know,
can bring healing for all!

a laugh that is a window to my soul...

I had lunch with a friend yesterday..
we go way back!
We have known each other for just about 5 years..
BUT alot has happened in that 5 years!

when we first met
I was trying to find my way
as a wife and a mother..
wanting to do my best!
Give my all!
Struggling to find my footing..
and in knowing what that should look like.

Then CRASH!
The storm of the century hit my world,
tearing apart my family,
flattening my marriage,
collapsing my heart.
She was there watching,
and listening!

Then I moved into the next stage of my life,
one that proved to be even more
devastating and destructive.
The power of poison through the tongue
straight to my soul..
the damage measurable as each day passed.
She saw this too...from afar!

I returned 'home' damaged and broken.
Devastated and displaced.
How could I trust?
What would I do?
Where would I go?

She, like many around me..
watched me take on the past!
One issue and heart break at a time!
I faced aspects of my life that were not pretty,
and aspects that where so unbelievably sad.
I faced the part I had played,
and the hurts I had allowed.
I began to understand who I was
under the roles I had led,
I slowly grew comfortable in my own skin
and took ownership of my heart and life!!
I did this , not alone,
but hand in hand with my Lord.

I went from brittle to strong.
I went from insecure to comfortable.
I went from unsure to confident.
I went from hopeless to humble.
I grew!
I changed!
I stumbled..
and daily I still learn lessons about the heart..
and the emotions that drive us!

After lunch
she shared..
that she could see the health in who I am.
The visible difference.
She said I laughed at one point,
and it was a snapshot in time..
it was so whole and healthy and real.
and its so true!

I was not always here...
and I went through a lot to get where I am!
I remember the woman I was,
and I am grateful for the woman who stands in her place.

Our trials hurt...
They stretch us,
and sometimes take us to the brink of no return!
but, when we face them
and grow from them..
we come out on the other side;
not just different...BUT better!
not just stronger...BUT whole!
not just healthy....BUT wiser!
When all is said and done
some times
the lesson learned,
becomes the silver lining in the clouds of gray!

so.....here we are again...

This has been one of those weeks.
emotionally this week I am shot..

counting this week,
2 more weeks of work.
Then the school I love closes.
This makes a tough enviroment for all..
Sadness, lethargy, worries, stress all abound
among co-workers,parents and kids..!

This has carried over into my heart and home,
I feel like I am walking under water.
I just need to some how get my head out
and get a breath!!
Breathe..breathe..breathe...

I face it quietly.
I express the stress ,
and I deal with the here and now,
but there is a silence in my sorrow.
A muteness in my heart.

A friend shared with me today
that when she speaks to her husband,
he tells her how much he loves her!
He is on her side.
He is her greatest advocate.
I have seen it!
It's real!
Why does that hurt my heart?

Someone to listen?
Someone to HEAR!
Someone who might wonder through out the day
how its going with ME!
I have almost begun to forget what that feels like...
and some times I wonder if I have ever really known.
How can you miss something
you do not even know if you had?

But, this week...
I do.
I face the chaos,
and the sadness,
and the 'end' of what was
without 'sureness' of what shall be;
and I miss not what I had..
but what I hope to have, one day, instead!

Then again,
as I face yet another struggle..
and I climb yet another hill..
maybe all I miss is a solid path.
And that in and of itself is an illusion.

Another week,
another battle.
BUT in the end,
another lesson..
another opportunity to be more then I expect,
and overcome more then I believe possible.

another road,
that will lead me to a place
where I shall stop, and rest and reflect,
And I hope what I see is;
strength with tears,
peace with purpose,
achievement with flaws,
openess with hurts.

I hope to see the person I am;
flaws, failures, fears AND all,
still walking foreward....
still traveling...
still Hopeing..
and most of all STILL believing
in the power of what can be
versus the hurtful presence of what never was!

my dreams..speak my hearts secrets...

*sigh*
I seem to be doing so well alone.
And in truth I am.
I am no longer 'lonely' ,
while I would enjoy companionship.
I am not sad when faced with time alone,
instead I get quite excited!!

BUT, through my dreams..
a reoccurring theme,
is telling my heart..
that I miss something!!
While it is physical;
It is not 'make me
OR you blush' physical...
it is simple, soft touch!

My dreams have been so odd...
a man of no significance
putting their hand on my shoulder,
or back..
leaving it there...
Taking my hand and lacing their fingers in mine,
for no apparant reason.
The impression is dramatic...
I wake up shaken as it makes no sense..
and I realize its not the person..
its the action
that is making the impression!

WHAT I miss is the feeling of being loved,
and cared for.
The feeling when someone takes your hand,
the intimacy of intertwined fingers
or when one you love softly touches your cheek,
or brushes back your hair.

I am surrounded by love.
Friends who hug,
children who embrace...
but, the void is different.
Its the belonging that comes
with certain , safe yet deeply intimate,
expressions of touch.

Gladly, the only place my soul
seems to ache for this,
is in my dreams...
and for now,
the only place my heart
will find the reprieve..
is in the same place;
my dreams!

It makes sleep both welcome
and heartbreaking...