Its for the kids...it has to be...

Life after divorce
is not easy!
There are many reasons..
some you expect and some;
you do not!!

I expected;
the heartache..
that healed!
the loneliness...
that got better with time!
the business of being a single mom..
which I am adjusting to!

I expected the children's hurt...
but I will never get used to it!

I expected that my ex and I
would be OK...
and we are!

However......
I did not expect;
that I would have to share!
or at least,
what that would feel like!

Moments that matter
are not just mine-
or 'ours' as they would be
as a family;
Christmas..
holidays...
special events...

Together as a couple;
its a celebration!
Apart...
some one gets left behind!
and some times;
that hurts!!

But, its for the kids!
Every moment that I want to claim!
Every event that I want them to smile
and wave at me -FIRST,
Every pre event that I want to do
their hair-
or get them dressed;
Every post event that I want
to celebrate.....
I think of THEM!
I think of what they need...
and what they want!

I know they want and need
their WHOLE family-
and I know they did not ask
to have to spend these times
fractured from what was!!

and so...
if I am not the one they wave at
first..
I smile and wave anyway!
If I am not the one chosen
to do their hair;
or pick out their clothes..
I remind myself
how blessed they are
to be cared for by so many!
And if I cannot celebrate
in that moment,
I will celebrate in another....

And when I cry tears into my pillow
because this not the way
I thought motherhood would be..
I cry them in silence!
They are tears for me....
not for them!

THEY are loved!
and they never have to feel
that they have to make a choice!
and that is the gift
that together their father and I
can still give
them 'together'...
The thing we still do as one....
we will love and we will share-
because that's what they NEED!

And in the end...
meeting their needs;
brings us all a shared peace!
Once more
an extended family..
for better,
for worse...
for keeps!

The art of being alone...

Learning to be alone
has been a process...
it has taken work..
The end result
is not in the enjoyment
of being alone,
but instead
in the ability to be alone.

Over 2 years ago,
I started the process
of learning how
to be alone.

I had never been on my own.
I left my parents home
and married,
over 14 years later;
I left my marriage home
and when back to my parents..
I left my parents
home once again
to marry into a nightmare.
when I left that
reality,
I found myself
35 and alone for the first time,
ever.

The first year...
I took on the task.
I stayed BUSY, oh so busy!
I learned to be busy....
alone.
I went to the beach and on vacations...
I went to movies,
I shopped,
I ran...
I was never home
and I was always alone..
(if the kids were not with me.)

It was hard!
I cried a lot...
and then I learned to enjoy
the flea markets
and parks..
I learned how to enjoy
being busy alone.

And then...
My car broke down!
No car for 5 weeks
meant learning how
to be alone
AT HOME!
And I did...
I learned to love
the silence of my home,
gardening,
house work..
hanging out with my pets!
I liked being alone.
Almost too much...
I seemed to hibernate;
safe in the walls of my home.

And then...
I started going out with friends...
I became more social again..
I started living once more
and began dating.
I still loved being alone...
but, I enjoyed the time
I had with others...

And now...
I no longer choose
to be alone
over being with others!
In fact,
today I had a whole day alone,
and there were moments
when I wished
I had company!
This is actually a good sign,
a new season...
a season in which
I can be alone,
but, I can enjoy being with others!

I have found myself,
and in the process
found many friends
I enjoy spending time with!
I have worked hard
to know
that I do not need another's company,
so maybe now..
I can stop working so hard
to be alone,
and instead
begin to let others in;
knowing that no matter
what,
I will never be anything
other then I am..
a woman who has learned
to live and let go,
a woman
ready to live
and maybe...
let in!

And this is why I left....

I got another anonymous comment
this morning,

I am pretty sure I know
who they are from...
and it is someone
from my past...
Of course, I cannot say for sure;

but here is the comment from today;

Getting that growth off your face would be a step in the right direction if you want to get dates. "Which one is she"? "She's the one with the second head".

(See in picture above!)

nice! Right!
It reminded me of a story...
I have a large mole on my face.
I have had it for as
long as I can remember!!!
Within 4 months of meeting the man
I ran from,
he took me to a plastic surgeon!
He wanted me to have it removed!
I did not!
I had never thought about it!
In truth
until he made an issue of it,
no-one else had!
It just was what it was!
I decided against having it removed!
But, I never forgot
the feeling of knowing
I was so 'flawed' to this man!

and yet still..
I went forward!
Yet still...
I degraded myself
by believing he was as good
as it got..
yet still!!

The lessons learned
so extensive...
but the greatest,
has been to be OK with me!
I do not need plastic surgery
to like me!
I do not need to exercise
twice a day
and be a size 0
( things I did or was asked to do with him)...
to be comfortable in my own skin..
because at the end of the day;
I like who lies beneath
my outer self...
I like who I am!
I like what I stand for!
and that leaves room
to like my imperfections too!

My safe place...

This park above
borders a lake...
It is in the down town area
of the small town
I live in..
and in so many ways;
it holds my heart!

When I was 14
my parents told me
we were moving.
I was happy where we were!
I was determined to
hate the new town..
We drove down the middle
of the town,
right towards
this lake!
I have never forgotten
the view.
It was the first time
I began to soften.
Today..
I live on the road!
The road that heads
down town!
I can stand in my street
and see the lake,
exactly as I did
as a young teenager!
It still settles
my soul.

This park,
by the lake..
holds many of my memories.
In high school
my best friend and I
hung out at the band shell.
My first date with the man
who stole my heart
was there...
For many years
as a family we had picnics
in the park,
we talked as a couple
while the children climbed the trees.
and then,
it was the place
we decided together
we were going to divorce.
We had run out of options.
It is the park
I went to grieve my marriage,
the place I went to cry
the day I left our home.
It is the place
my children and I walk to often
and the place I run.

And yesterday,
as I watched my children
climb trees..
and I looked out
at the lake
and the sail boats near by..
I realized ;
it is the place I come
to understand:
I am healing,
I am whole..
I am loved
and I am content!
I sit in a part of my world
that holds
so many of my heart moments
and know
that they were hard,
and happy,
and life changing,
and exciting...
they were all moments
that woven together
make up the fabric of who I am!
They provide strength
and resilience...
and in moments when I falter
and fear
the future...
and worry about inevitable changes,
and wonder
if this state of being
is all I shall ever know,
I shall return
to my safe place of grass and water...
and be reminded
of my faith
my family
my friends....
and a future
that will be faced
with as much grace and determination
as the past!

back in the saddle...

so I am officially
a single..
dating..
on the prowl...
(KIDDING)
woman!

life is funny..
and
dating is insane;
the date with the
single dad,
did not work out!
NICE,
but too far.
Different kid's weekends..
just not the right
timing...;
casually seeing
someone else
but cannot read the
signals;
double date
with friends tonight...
'set up',
and I have
laryngitis!
ha ha ha!
so we shall see.

and so it begins.....
Life! Love!Laugh!
and when dating
there is lots
of laughing
it seems..
and crying! ha!
but at least
I am Living.....

sick and single...stressed and single....still single...

So..
I have been sick
for several days...
pitiful sick!
In addition;
being sick
means that I am getting
behind on the 2 college
classes I am taking,
The house work
is building..
and the laundry is
piling up!
My kids certainly help,
but they have homework
and activities
and other things they
need to do also.

Life happens...
and when you are sick
life does not wait,
but sometimes
it has to stand in line.

So I wonder,
do I miss a partner?
Would it be nice to have someone
I could call
and say,
"could you bring home dinner"..
"could you help with the dishes"..
"could you take the kids where
they need to go?"
and of course,
that would be nice.
But,
on the flip side..
would I be able to lay on
the couch guilt free?
Could I cover my feet with
vicks without worrying
about another's nasal passages?
could I throw on my oldest dress,
and wear holey socks?
I guess I could!
And I guess in a good relationship
that's what acceptance is..
but,
in my world
the answer to the above,
is no!
I would worry...
I would be concerned for another..
as I should!

So, now
I worry about me..
I rest
and I feel miserable
and I feel thankful
for family and friends...
and I know
that one day
I may be sick and taken care of
and one day I may take care of another..
but today?
its all good!

Is natural progression an oxymoron for a single mom?

So I do not date much...
but I do a little..
enough to have some questions...
enough to see that dating
as a single mom,
is as complicated as it looks.

A friend and I were talking
about relationships recently..
and the progression
that happens on its own!
she is in a different season
of life then I am...
Her progression
is actual progression.
Each date leads to another,
each moment leading into
the next.


Here is what I am finding so
far for me...
progression it seems
is slower then average...
I have my kids
and spend the time they are with me-
with them...
this means a date every few weeks
with someone who is flexible..
what about someone who is not?
the single father..
who has his kids
on a different weekend then I do?
well..that's not just slow
progression,
its no progression!
So, is that even worth it?
Can a relationship ever develop
on such a casual basis?
or is it doomed from the start?
Is spread out dating
progression?
or just starting over each time?
hmmmmm......

I am all for slow..
relaxed..
casual..
one day at a time...
but this 'occasional' dating
leaves room
for so many questions...

I guess
that's why its a progression,
right?
its not a destination...
not any time soon.
and I am not going anywhere
in a hurry...
so, I will patiently
watch how dating
unfolds
in my life and in others...
and in time,
I am sure
I will come to understand
the rhythm
more then I do right now!

complicated-yes...
worth it- maybe...
time shall tell....

Valentines blues?..not!

So I cannot remember
sharing a Valentines' day
with anyone in so long...
and the only one I vaguely
remember
is now tainted by
what followed.

And yet,
more then most holidays
it passes without
much notice!
Married..there is expectations
as to what it should be.
Single...
its just a day!

The first valentine's day alone
hurt..
But, now 5 holidays later..
I can smile at the commercials..
I can giggle with my friends
going on dates,
and feel thrilled for
my married friends
celebrating with partners...
and I can know,
its just a day.

chocolates and flowers
mean something
only when accompanied
by mutual love and respect!

And so,
I wish the world
a Happy day
of love.
Because no matter
how much life
has told me differently;
love matters!
loving matters!
and celebrating that matters
too...

so if you have a love;
celebrate!
and if you are waiting
for that day..
celebrate you!

And in the mean time
I shall be celebrating
my greatest loves;
my Lord
and my Children...
followed by my family
and my friends...
so it looks like
I am not skipping the day after all!

happy Valentines day!

How close is too close...

So how close to the 'X'
is too close?

As I see the different ways
different divorced couples,
do this 'thing'...
I wonder;
whats ideal?

I know many who do not
talk at all..
I know some that live
really close to one another...
I know some that are best friends...

I understand its up to the couple,
but is there more to it
then that?

My 'X' and I are definitely
a good 'divorced' couple.
There is a line in the movie
It's complicated;
"thats the sweetest divorced couple I have ever seen."..
some times that's us!
sure- at moments not so much!
But MOST often we are 'good'!

I buy him Christmas presents,
he brings me coffee when
he drops the kids at school.
We talk about the kids..
We can make small talk about life,
and when the need arises
we can talk on a deeper level!

However,
we both keep up walls.
Not against each other,
but instead for ourselves.
He is in a relationship!
I hope to be one day.
Nothing in our relationship
threatens that!
We do not hug hello or good bye...
we do not share intimate secrets,
he does not discuss his love life with me..
and if I had one (ha!)
I would keep it to myself!

But, at one time
we knew each other better then anyone else..
at one time
we were each others
best friend..
at one time
we were in love...
where is the balance now?
what should it be?

When he walks in to my home,
we chat at the door!
He is welcome
but respectful.
The same when I am at his home..
we do not hang out on the couch..
yet, we do not make the other feel
like they should not be there!
A tight rope..
one on which we tread carefully..

We seem to have found what works
for us..
most of the time!
the majority of who we are
seems healthy and whole.

While I can only speak for myself..
I can look forward and know
that when I do move on,
the man I might meet
will probably have an 'x'..
and that relationship will matter
to me!

I hope they are friendly..
but I hope not TOO close!
I hope they are kind
to one another..
but have boundaries!
I hope as 'they' forge ahead now
they set the pace
for what is to come!
and I am thankful
that in my own 'X' relationship
we have found compassionate walls,
and inclusive boundaries!
We have found
balance...
and we have found 'good'...

A little stone house

One day
in a life lived
long ago..
at least it feels long ago..
the man I knew...
and trusted,
and I..
looked to buy a home!

I have always loved
quirky
and eclectic!
I have always loved
small towns
and antiques.
He was big city..
fancy cars and pretty homes!
We were dating....
I was being wooed..
eclectic and stone it was...

I think sometimes
of that stone house...
that we looked at buying;
in a sort of what might have been way!

Here is what I think...
the little stone home
would have
come with big solid problems!
Its quaintness
would have just hidden
the deep dysfunction..
the walls, while pretty,
would still be a prison.

Our past
holds memories
of what might have been..
but we must never forget
what actually was.
We see rainbows
where we should see rain,
we look back and see stone and
pretty rocks,
where we should see metal bars...

perspective
allows for a clearer reality!
reality
paves the way for a healthier future!

I never moved in
to a little stone house..
instead I moved into a
home filled with love..
a home with my children!
a home where dishes pile up;
once in a while..
where children are free
to speak and to live..
and where I am a person
whose opinion matters
and whose boundaries
are mine to own.

a home...
of freedom,
not of stone!

The collateral damage

There is no doubt,
mistakes carry consequences!
Misjudgments bring penalties...
such is life!

I made a mistake
when I got involved
in a rebound relationship!
It was a misjudgment!
It is a regret!
The collateral damage
is the part
that leaves me the most distressed!

Some of this
is now in the past!
The kids have moved on!
I am healthy and whole!
We are secure in our lives!
But, some..
will never be fixed!

During this time
I lost friends!
Friends that mattered!
Sometimes it was due
to loosing touch...
Sometimes it was because
I pulled away!
but, always
the friendship paid a price!

Most of my friends
now understand!
Most of my friendships
are intact!
But, I lost one of my closest friends!
The damage
was too great.
The hurt too much!
I have tried to mend the rift..
I have done all I know.
But, it seems that
the friendship will never recover!

Sometimes I am just OK
with this!
I have WONDERFUL friends..
who love me
and support me..
who understand me..
and forgive me my flaws..
I have friends that laugh with me..
and friends that will cry with me!
I am blessed!

But, to loose a friend
I cared about...
because of a choice I made..
a decision I moved forward with...
is very sad!
A friend..
whose children loved my children..
our babies grew together..
our lives mattered to each other
at one time..
its just sad!
sad for many reasons..
but sad because
in moments
it is a reminder to me
of the devastation
that our choices can cause!

Its on my heart today..
because of a dream I had last night!
So today
I feel sad about
my regrets!
Yet, letting go
and moving on
is the only way
to really heal...

I have had my heart broken
I have experienced broken dreams...
and I have lost friendships I treasured!

So now...
I learn!
I live!
I let go!
and
I make sure
that I never repeat
the missteps
that brought me to this place...

I walk forward
never forgetting to look back....

dating ADD

so I have just entered
back into the dating world..
and already
I am finding it frustrating!
Ha!

Long road ahead!
Some is great..
the moments that I walk away
before getting entangled.
The moments
when I know
that I am sure
of who I am
and what I do not want!

but, some moments
are just designed to
leave those of us 'dating'..
perturbed!!

the cues that make no sense,
the too casual..
or not casual enough..
the wondering
if you are on the same page
or both reading
a whole different book.

Casual is it for me..
yet shockingly;
there is TOO casual..
who knew.

So..
I shall vent
and wonder
and sometimes
scream.
and I shall
often-I am sure-
take a breath
and say;
yep- this is why I am still single!!

Who knew that spending time
with my own complicated self,
was WAY less complicated,
then dating!!!
ha ha....

There is a reason...

I have learned
many lessons
from my past!

Some have changed me
for the better..
some have made me
more afraid!
Some have left me scarred..
and some stronger!
But, all were valuable!

I would say of all the lessons
learned,
the one I have come
to see as being
the 'greatest'..
is learning how
to TRUST my gut!

Its a feeling I (we) get..
and its there for a reason!
Yet, so many times
I would try again...
or ignore..
or overlook...
in case I might be wrong!
Rarely, was I wrong!

My instinct kicked in..
and I
ignored it..
I did not want to be unkind!
or miss out on
something that might be
right!
I did not want to
assume..
I did not want to
create conflict!
The list goes on...

NOW;
When I sense that something
is wrong..
no matter how right
it could be...
or should be....
or even might be...
I can be a little cold..
I can be a lot detached!
I can walk away
and not look back!

But, there is a reason!
If I sense
that something is not for me..
I no longer
talk myself into feeling something
else,
I no longer give it more time
in case I change my mind!

Maybe I am mistaken..
Maybe I am dead on...
it matters not!

I have an intuition...
and I finally KNOW how to use it!