Acceptance...

I think in life,
we strive for contentment!
we want peace..
we long for wholeness!

we seek,
we look,
we travel,
we walk,
we long for..
and we crave.

But, maybe
we skip a step..
maybe...
before the contentment;
comes the acceptance!

What makes me content
is accepting
that where I am..
is where I am meant to be!

Maybe not yesterday...
maybe not tomorrow,
but today-
I am in the moment,
in which I belong!

Some of the biggest mistakes
I have made..
have been at times
in my life
that I sought to RIGHT
my wrong circumstances..
when I was SURE
that where I was,
could NOT be enough.

Some how...
some time..
in some moment-
I came to accept...
Where I am.
Who I am.
What my current place
in life is.
I accept the changes!
I accept the challenges!
I accept the NOW..
I accept!
and within the acceptance,
I found my peace
and my contenment!

Easy come..Easy go

Memories are an amazing thing..
sometimes they make us
smile..
sometimes they make us
cry...
and sometimes they just show us
how far we have come.

Leaving the YMCA after Zumba
this past Saturday...
I looked out at the soccer fields.
I had a 'moment'...
My heart skipped a beat.
Unlike many moons ago-
it did not stop beating all together-
instead,
it resumed its rhythm
and I began to think...

Over four years ago,
my son played soccer for the first time
and started when
my ex and I were married,
and by the time his season ended..
we were also done.

He played on those soccer fields..
the ones I was looking at!

The thing I remember the MOST
about that time,
is not the sadness..
that has passed.
nor the anger or hurt;
instead I remember
what it was like
to first navigate the waters
of co-parenting...
I remember being at games with
my ex..
no longer married-
still sitting together!
I remember sharing a picnic blanket
as we watched the game-
and you know what stands out??
I remember KNOWING what
he would want to drink-
I remember KNOWING what
he would like for a snack..
I remember KNOWING...
just knowing~

There was a time
I knew his food preferences
better then my own..
NOW?
I would have to ask..
and NOW we could share a blanket-
and it would not be a minefield.
it is no longer raw..
it does not hurt like it once did!

And so as I remembered
that long ago soccer season,
and all the changes that it brought-
I was also able to see
that the foundation laid then,
is still in place today...
and the process begun
has been worth the fight...
and above all,
the woman who sat in pain
on that shared picnic blanket
several years ago..
now sits in strength and contentment!

Memories
are as much about the present
as they are about the past!!

I admit...I chickened out...

So I had a blind date...
not the first,
nor the last...
but I backed out!
Not sure why..
dates are few and far between...
sometimes by choice,
sometimes by circumstance.
I know some nice men..
and I hang out with a few!
I have had a few (first) dates..
but, still
all this time later...
it seems like work!
why is that?
I guess,
when I am asked out
by someone
who meeting
for the first date;
does not feel
like work..
I shall consider it!
Until then,
I shall be content
without.
and within...
cause that's where it counts!!

acceptable? marketable? or just me...

I sometimes wonder;
about who I am
and what I stand for...

How did I get to where I am?
and am I comfortable
now that I am here?

What if I never find
the other half
of me?

The thing is..
I have come to GET me...
even if no one else does.

I am incredibly put together..
except when I am not!
I am disorganized....
when I am not being organized!
I work hard,
but I play hard too...
I love deeply...
and I live happily alone.

I am a woman...
many facets
of one person.
a prism...
I look different based
on the direction
you see me from...

You might find me cleaning,
or ignoring the house work..
I might be studying...
or pretending
that I do not have homework...
You might find me at a protest
or at the beach.

No matter
how I might be
in the moment...
I am real
and I am true
and I am content
and I am ME...

My kind of me...
not perfect..
lots to learn,
room to grow..

I am a mom..
I must be mature..
I put my kids first...
and I always will.

But, I dream of changing the world..
joining activists
in a life altering cause,
or going to Africa
to work with children...

I love children-
I love animals-
I love those who need my voice-
I love my family-
I honor my parents-
and I work hard to forgive
and show grace to
those who hurt me...

I am OK with who I am..
I don't kill spiders,
I want chickens...
and there is normally
a homeless cat in the front yard.

I get lost a lot...
and I forget details..
like ever seeing a certain movie...
or how the book I have read several times;
ends!-

I might drive you crazy,
but I will also make you laugh..
and if ever
you get to know me
and steal a piece of my heart-
I will love you like crazy...
and if you happen to be a cat,
you will always find
a meal..:)

Not sure
If I am 'marketable'...
but I am real..
quirky..
but real.
and its enough..
at my age
and stage in life..
its enough!

I LoVe being single..just sayin

There are moments..

those moments
that I know
that one day
I will enjoy
knowing someone else...

moments of missing
having that one to call..
or be called by...

moments..
when I look
forward to what shall be.

But,

in this moment-
I love the freedom,
I like how comfortable
in my own skin
I have become.
I enjoy...
running my errands-
and taking my kids off
for the day..
and going to the gym..
and doing all the things
that my life is full off...
and doing them alone!

Not so much by choice...
but very much
OK...
choosing
to embrace the moment
I am in....
choosing
to LoVe
where I am...
who I am...
and how I am
living my life.

Choosing NOW
rather then waiting on
tomorrow.

Love it or Hate it...

I have a love
hate
relationship..
with Face book!

I love the contact
with friends
I have not seen
in years..
I love the fact
that I know how the
friends that I do see
more often,
are doing...
even when we are not
in touch.
Its a great tool
to get to know
new people..
and its just plain
fun!

but,
then there are the complications..
family 'tiffs'
arising purely
from snarky comments...
the blurred line
between private and public..
and the whole
dating thing!!!

I have been asked
out on FB..
I have casually
dated
friends on FB...
I have friended
a few men..
in the process
of getting to know
each other better....

But, I have some boundaries!
I do not friend my ex!
He is my friend is real time!
But, His life is his..
as it should be..
My life is mine.
I do not friend men
that I have dated
on more then a casual level...
or, more specifically,
I un-friend them!:-)
Its really just my thing-
not right or wrong for everyone!

One of the biggest reasons
for my choice,
is the respect
of relationships to come!
If I am dating someone
I would not like to see
any of his ex's
all over his FB page!

And so,
to me..
being healthy and being whole
means looking beyond this
moment...
and not loosing sight
of the big picture;
and the 'one'
that may be still to come!

what a week..just a week...

Life has been nuts.

some bizarre...
a need to leave my home
for a small space of time.
and lots of activity;
including police and firefighters..
(but all was well!)

some busy....
a realization
that my school spring break
was not actually
as much time
off as expected..
and all work
was still due..
OOPS...

some productive....
kids rooms LOOK great!
house is in order,
spring cleaning done...
now just gardening
to do..

some eye opening...
a realization
that sometimes
we move on
even when there
is nothing
to move on to..
the healthier we are
the less
reason we need
to leave behind..
anything
that does not make
us feel valued
or of worth...

and some just plain fun...
zumba..
time with friends...
time with family...
and great talks
with my kids.

It was just a week....
but, what a week.

moving towards a definition....

I do not know
what I want.
I understand that.
Its hard to want
what you never knew,
you did not have-
Its hard to define
what you have never known.

and so..
as I set out
on this journey..
I am not sure
if I am looking for a prince..
or a companion..
a friend..
or someone who
makes my heart quicken..
or some combination
of them all!

Do I want the friendship
that becomes more?
Do I want a movie worthy
love story?
Do I even believe
in fairy tale endings?
I do NOT know!

But, I am getting closer..
defining slowly
what I do not want.
and learning a little
more of what I do!

I know:
I do not want to
be pushed,
pressured,
or smothered!
But, nor do I want to
be brushed aside,
ignored,
tolerated....

What does that look like?
I am not sure!

I am not looking to get married...
any time soon.
I am not looking to blend
a family
that is working quite well...
not quickly..!!

But, I am hoping
at some point..
to move forward!

A gradual process
One that is slow moving
but, not still..

I would like one day
to be in a relationship...
a relationship
that may or may not lead
to forever...
but in which
2 people are safe and secure
in the moment of life
that they share!

And while getting to that point,
takes time....
I do not want to sacrifice
the moments...
if someone
is not looking for the same thing..

slow..
casual...
but
not stagnant...

cautious...
thorough..
but
purposeful...

I want to know
I am thought of..
I want to be a part
of something
bigger then I am..
I expect to feel
that time together
is anticipated...

no matter the stage,
I do not want to guess
at whether I am in it alone...

I want to enjoy the
journey...
knowing:
we are -for the moment- moving
in the same direction.

Its a start...
not yet a definition
of forever,
but it is no longer
a completely
blank canvas ...

moving forward...
inches at a time!

from there to here...

One year ago...

Sunday, March 7, 2010

well...DUH!!!

I have been worried...
worried that my desire to be alone,
speaks to something deeper.

On the weekends I do not have my kids,
I attend their games and see my friends.
I go to church on Sunday
and hang out with my best friend and others,
but I make no effort apart from that!
I do not call anyone,
rarely do I set up plans to meet..
I look forward instead to my tofu Thai food,
and the movie I will rent,
and the one I will go see.
I enjoy my time alone!!!

This is new for me..
until a few months ago
I kept my weekends busy
with friends and activity!
Now, not only am I alone for most of it..
I am quiet in my alone ness!
I do not run here and there..
I just AM!

I have become more and more happy in my solitude,
and have wondered more and more, could I like it TOO much!?

And then a friend came over to drop something off..
She has walked in my shoes.
so I shared my 'wonder'.
She pointed out something so TRUE!
I was married for 14 years,
my family was my LIFE!
I home schooled my kids,
they were ALWAYS with me.
I loved my husband tightly
and was always available to him.
Alone time was NOT a word in my vocabulary!
Then I moved in with my parents,
as wonderful as they were..
it was not my home..
it was a shared space for all of us.
and when I remarried
it was into a prison.
'nuff said.

I was NEVER alone completely.

And so now?
alone time feels sweet.
I can be selfish.
I can choose the movie
AND the snacks.
I can spend my time my way without guilt!
and so, where I am
seems just right for what I have been through.
And when and if the time comes
that someone else wants a say,
in the movie..
or those snacks:)..
I will be OK with that!
But, I think I will forever
be sure
that 'alone time' is a word
and action
that remains apart of my heart and life!

............
and today...
March 07th, 2011

Alone..
is no longer a state I choose!
Alone..
is never a state I fear!
Alone...
is sometimes a state I welcome.

I would rather be Alone,
then with some one who hurts me!
I would rather be Alone,
then with some one who uses me!
I would rather be Alone,
then with someone who does not see me;
chooses not to know me;
turns from accepting me!

Being Alone,
is always better..
then being with someone
who makes you feel
less of who you are!

In order to learn
you have to take chances..
and sometimes-
in order to heal,
you have to take
those chances back.

I am learning
that I do not have to sit on the sidelines,
but nor to I have to play
the game..
I get to make the rules,
and I get to walk away
when my heart
is at risk
of being on the loosing
team!

so...
I shall let others in..
but their invitation
is in effect,
only as long:
as their respect of me
and who I am
is in place....
because I am not bound-
by fear...

of being ALONE!

2009,2010,2011...what a difference a few years make..

For something different..
I am posting my blog posts
for the past 2 years
around this time...
and then the one for today!
looking back
I see how far I have come!

March 3rd, 2009

the highs and lows

I am amazed at how high the highs are ..
and how low the lows!

I think the biggest surprise is that the lows
always
seem to catch me unaware...

they wait in the shadows
until I am distracted, unconcerned,
beginning to take tentative steps..
and they cut me down at the knees.

The lows are so low!
so sudden
so sad
so empty
so dark...

and then just as fast
the tears all cried
the anger all spent
the emotions exhausted
the lows are gone
now the middle ground is here..
and soon there will be highs that will lift me above the sadness
and remind me how good life really is!

The highs in my life come
when I breathe free air
and hug my children
and spend time with family and friends
the highs in my life are greater then the lows by far

But the lows....
somehow catch me when I am least expecting it!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

I past the test..

I facilitate a class called divorce care
at the church I attend.
This is a video led class,
I am just there to keep the conversation going,
and keep it kind!:)
last night the topic was new relationships..
there was a quiz of sorts!
It basically touched on the key points
to know when you are ready to move on.
There were many aspects but a few really stood out,

-dwelling more in the present then the past.
this struck me.
JUST yesterday an hour before the class,
my son was in a play.
My daughters and I went..
and his dad met us there.
We watched the play..
said our hi's and good byes..
went our happy ways,
as as I read this last night
on the paper in front of me,
I was able to reflect and realize
that I had felt NOTHING
just moments earlier!
Its just what it is now...
moments together do not lead me to wonder
what it should be instead.
Not sure when it happened,
just know that it did.

-taken ownership of the past
This only happened for me a few months ago.
This was the moment I realized that I had
a part in the heart ache between us.
owning it, understanding it and asking forgiveness
from the man who broke my heart...
truly released me!
This step was huge.

then the last one that REALLY spoke to me was;
-not looking for someone to rescue you.
I was here!!
I thought that this was the answer...
I went down that road.
BUT, no more!
Now I don't want to be rescued!
I don't want to be saved!
I just want to be loved...
and accepted!
No hero..
no white knight..
just a man with all his flaws,
accepting me with all mine.

and that was the thought that I ended on...

I am not sure when I might meet someone..
or if I ever will.
But, I am not looking for companionship,
I am quite comfortable alone.
I am not looking for a provider,
I am sinking and swimming on my own terms.
I am not looking for a father for my kids,
they have one.
I am not looking for anything.....

I am waiting for the one
who just wants to be.
And is OK that I just want to be too.
And if by chance we are better together,
then we are apart..
then maybe we are meant to see where that goes.

quite simple...:)

Friday, March 04 2011

As I reflect on where I was,
as I read words
that share my journey,
I see that I am safe!
I see that I am healthy!
I understand
that I am strong!
More importantly,
I am content!

Life has thrown me
curves
that I never saw
coming..
but it has also
bestowed on me
blessings,
I never could
have expected!

The beauty of life
is in the moments that you
know;
you are OK...
today!
this moment!
right now!
It is OK!

and you have survived
the latest storm..
you are still swimming...
and you are doing it
with all that you have
and all that you are!

Today..
I am OK!
Today...
I am doing it well!
Today....
I have the strength I need,
to face;
tomorrow...!

Just go with it...

Why is it so hard
to let life 'just' happen??

I am in no rush!
I love my life...
I love my kids..
I love my friends and family..
and I love my job!

I like
the challenge of school
and managing my home,
and the schedule
of my children s activities..!

I enjoy my pets
and the little cottage
that is mine...

I am excited
about
sharing my heart
at some point-
and sharing
my time....
but, I am in no hurry-

and yet,
the whole,
'just go with it'...
just 'see' what happens;
no worries..
no pressure...
no strings...
no complications...
is hard for me!!

I guess
it is the lack of definition.
this newness
in my dating life..
the new stage
that I am in..
the place
of openness
and opportunities-
involves a lot
of unanswered questions;
and as one
who like to know...
it is quite a challenge!

And yet-
if we had
all the answers
we might skip
the journey...

And so
I learn..
and so it goes..
and so
I shall;
'just go with it'
some more!