Where did that wall come from?

We all have felt it
...that wall
that comes out of nowhere.

Life seems easy..ish.
Everything seems under control-
and then
a wall...
right when you think
you are moving forward.
you are stopped dead
in your tracks.

A wall of exhaustion
that just renders you useless....

I hit that wall tonight!
It came out of the blue..
as busy as my life
is..
I would not say
excessive tiredness is an issue..
in fact I manage quite well.

I just finished my second semester
back in college..
and I think that might
have been what did it...
3 finals in 7 days..
finished the last one tonight
and CRASH!
My system shut down!

So, I have my feet up.
My TV on..
my kids long settled...
and I shall do nothing
for a few hours:
go to bed early,
maybe read a book.

and then tomorrow-
back to life again.
refreshed I hope..
ready to start over!
or at least climb over the wall...

Can you save me??

I read something recently..
it made me think-
can one person save another?
is being rescued
every woman's dream?
or even a need?

The truth?
no matter the situation...
unless a woman
(or man)
saves themselves..
all they tend to do,
is find themselves
right back where they started!

The greatest feeling EVER..
is knowing that I am OK!
I overcame the hurt-
I faced the past-
I found a way to thrive in my circumstances,
and I did this;
alone!

I had support!
I had friends and family!
I had help
and encouragement..
I had my faith! (huge!)
but, I learned
that no-one can save another..
thats a hero complex
just waiting to happen.

We can support
and be there...
We can be a safe place to fall..
but strength
comes NOT in being saved..
but instead walking
within ones own strength
WITHOUT a net!

I am so thankful
to look up at the high wire
and know
that just a few years ago..
I walked across it..
carefully;
afraid to look down.
Now..
I look up
and say;
"I did it!"
and I know
I can do it again...

that is strength:
being one's own hero;
knowing one's strength comes
from within..
and in my case,
from the one that lives within!

Being saved-
not by a person
or an ideal of that person,
but instead by the reality
that is...

True growth...

I always wonder-
how I will know?
how will I know
that I am healthy enough
to make better choices?

how will I know-
I have learned the lessons...?

the other night I blogged
that I was in a vulnerable place-
that same night
I got an email,
an online site..
a good looking, nice guy!
(according to him:)!)
but, fresh out a divorce!
I was vulnerable..
wondering,
will I ever meet anyone?
and yet..
I replied..
I let him know
I was interested ..
but not for 6 months to a year...
I gave him my email..
told him good luck,
and let him know he could
contact me down the road!

No matter how 'alone'
I might have felt,
I knew I was not willing
to take that risk!

I think its safe to say,
some lessons HAVE been learned..
and progress has been made!
And that is a start...

I have those moments too...

40 days out of 41...
I am happy-
content-

but, that 1 day...
I feel-
lonely...
or maybe just alone.

I am not sure what
makes the difference,
why..
most of the time
I love my life,
and yet, sometimes
I feel the burden
of no-one to share it with!

However,
in those moments...
I have to work
to over come
self destructive impulses.
For me;
that would be calling an ex-
or eating ice cream...
and normally results
in a free trial on a dating
website.
I guess it could be worse.

I know the feeling
will pass..
I know that today
I feel alone,
and a little sad.
I know that tomorrow-
I have fun plans ALONE
and I will completely
enjoy my day-
the moment having passed.

So, for this moment-
I shall go surf
online dating sites..
and maybe, just maybe...
eat some butter pecan!
and take tomorrow,
as it comes!

Ironic much??

It seems that I am
a better wife...
without a husband!
How is that?

Is it maturity?
is it experience?

not sure..
but what I know
is that my home is cleaner,
my dishes normally done-
my chores caught up more then not!
my life is , mostly,in order.
I have more on my plate
then ever..
yet managing better then before!

I guess one aspect;
is no 'man' to also care for!
No one to hurry to spend time with-
No additional person to cook for.

on the other hand-
There is no-one else to help
manage the load.
There is no-one else to
take care of the yard,
or car...
or to help with the laundry,
cleaning..
or kids.

So, I think the two
at the very least-
neutralize each other!

So whatever the reason...
it is what it is...
life threw me some pretty
big curves,
and by finding my way
around the corners..
I have learned
that I am more capable
then I gave myself credit for.

Maybe that's what it is..
I expect more from my self..
or maybe this will all go out the window
if one day I meet someone,
and need more hours in the day!:)
for now..
I shall enjoy
the peace
of a clean and tidy, for the most part, ;-)
house!

Still learning...and learning some more...

These past 2 1/2 years...
and the 2 years before that..
have been filled with lessons.

At the heart of it all,
has been learning
who I am..
and understanding what
I really want out of my
life!

It has also been a lesson
about the past..
learning from it,
accepting it-
reconciling it..
and letting it go.

The two lessons
go hand in hand-

Now, that I understand
who I am-
I am less likely
to repeat the past!

I look at the two main
relationships I had,
and I know that at the core
were people
who hoped
that the differences would not matter-
that love would over come.
and in the end..
it was not enough...
the foundation was weak-

now..
I know that FAITH
is vital.
I understand
that family comes first-
my kids need their mother
to be their advocate!
anyone who comes into my life-
will accept them and that...
and I will be flexible without
compromising
who I am!
I want simple-
I want what I have already!

As I sat in my back yard today-
enjoying the sounds of nature,
I knew...
that this is what I need!
And I have it...

anyone I meet,
will want it too..
he will understand
the simple joys
of backyard chickens,
and trees...
he will accept
that kids need to play
with frogs
and build forts with sticks..
he will enjoy
that who I am
needs to nurture and care
for creatures...
its just a part of what
makes me tick...

and if that man never comes..
I still know what I want..
what I desire..
I have plans
for a little land..
and a little home...
I have dreams
of barns, and goats,
and stray cats...

I want to look at the stars,
and listen to the crickets chirp.
I want to smell the rain..
and hear the wind rustle the leaves
in the trees...
I want to live
my life connected
to nature..
and I want to dream
in earth tones...

I get me...
I accept me...
and that is enough...
no matter who comes along..
or does not!
that is enough!

The what if's no longer exist...

I will admit..
While I do not live in my past-
I have at moments wondered;
what if??

What if,
I was who I am now- then!?
What if, so was he!?

What if,
I had held tighter,
or let go sooner,
or waited longer,
or decided faster,
or understood more,
or talked less,
or ............

It was not until LAST night
that I finally
got it!!
It would not have
mattered!

I believe in forever,
and I believe in commitment-
and I believe you fight through the hard
parts...

BUT I also believe in love..
love that is bigger then a feeling...
or a choice-
I believe in LOVE that fills your
every cell,
and invades your every pore!
I have felt that..
and what I know,
is that sometimes...
love is JUST not felt
by both!
NOT that kind of love-
and sometimes,
two people just do not work!
and sometimes,
you can move mountains
and the results would be the same!

I do not believe in fate..
but I do believe
that some people fit together-
and some do not!
and if you do not..
and you both do not want to
fight
DESPITE that,
the what if's are irrelevant!

It was just not for US...
the what ifs
are what 'nows'?
and the healing from the past is
complete...
because
I understand!!
I get it...
and I am free
from looking for fault,
and I am free from wondering why-
I am free from any forms
of whats? and ifs?

I am free to one day-
love that way...
again!

never to late....

one of the saddest..
or ironic-
facts about life...
is that sometimes
we learn who we are,
to late
for it to make a difference...
and yet,
what we learn
still changes
our forever!

Its easy to look
back
and wish..
and wonder..
its easy to think-
that maybe,
just maybe....

But, if we were back
where we once belonged,
we might still be
who we were then-
and we would never know
what we know now.
we would never know
who we could become.

The cycle of life..
heart break and loss
that makes us stronger,
and sometimes
better..
but often..
too late!
and yet,
maybe..
just in time!

Not a state to fear...

I find it amazing...
even though I understand!

How many-
will make decisions
that will follow them always,
to avoid
learning to be OK
with just themselves!

I used to feel that
way too..
I used to dread being alone,
I used to fear that state..
deeply!
I no longer regret
choices I made as a result-
but, I do understand
how easy it is
to choose someone
over no-one.

and yet....
now..
Its hard to imagine!

This weekend..
I put up a fence in the back yard..
I took my children to
the fair...
I handled my finances,
housework,
yard work..
I took my children to church..
I bought them dinner,
I spent time with them;
and time with me..
and I did this all..
alone!

Not a state to fear...
a state to own
and overcome..
a state to thrive within..
and a state that brings you
to understand,
you will never be the same-
because you will never
again fear..
the very state
you are now in!!~

soul healthy=
priceless!

I release you..will you release me?

One of the hardest aspects
of ending
a relationship,
is letting go!

And even when we
have let go..
there is the process
of finding
peace in the end.
and the tomorrow..
and most of all,
the yesterday!

I am there..
this has been the longest
part of the journey.
I moved on,
I let go..
but I still struggled
with the peace
in the past!

I have found it...
in each place I have been..
relationships that lasted
ages..
and those that lasted months..
I have come to face
and acknowledge what was,
and understand
that each moment
is part of me today!

The places in my soul
that hurt,
are no longer angry!
The memories
that left me frustrated
at my bad judgment-
now leave me
overwhelmed at how
far I have come.
The situations
that caused me to doubt
myself,
now cause me to feel
confident in today.
and the heartaches
that made me wonder..
how? and why?
are now answered
with 'because of NOW'..
because of who I now can be!

I no longer need closure,
I no longer need validation,
I no longer need to reconcile
what was,
I have truly
forgiven, let go , moved on...
and reconciled the past!~

huge! REALLY!

I knew it.....

Life is strange..
the way,
what you think might be;
can only really
be proved
when it happens..

you think someone
is shady..
but how do you know
until they are,
you think someone
is willing to do anything
to win,
no matter who gets hurt..
but you will not find out until;
someone
gets
hurt...
you think someone
will be swayed
by the attention;
but until
they stray-
you shall not know.

you think...

so you make choices
to protect yourself,
but you cannot
know
if you were right,
until-
you realize:
YUP,
your gut feeling?
right on the money!
LOVE
that!