I am back from a wonderful week!
I spent 3 days with my kids at the Nickelodeon hotel!
They were thrilled!
I spent 3 days at the beach alone..
with visits from my sister (above)
it was wonderful!
I did lots of thinking..
lots of reading...
and lots of relaxing!
I realized some important things!
I accepted some truths!
I am able now to embrace the memories
and not run from them!
This is a big step!
In the past good memories caused as much pain
as bad ones!
NOW I can smile..I can remember...I can savor it a moment..
and then let it go!
BY doing this I was also able to realize a HUGE thing,
my marriage of 15 years has often, as of late,
seemed in vain!
Other then, of course, my children!
I had bought into the notion that it was all a lie..
feelings not real!
And yet, by honestly facing old memories
I have come to believe what those around me have constantly said..
I was loved!..Just not enough!
BUT at some point..the feelings were real!
IT was not ALL a farce..
and some of the memories are good
for a reason!
I can remember the cadence of our lives...
and know that it was in moments
a good life to live for both of us!
And that gives me peace!
I also realized that I do not miss either of the men I have loved...
Instead what I miss??
Is my belief in love!
My belief in forever!
It is not about mourning a person any longer,
or even the idea of that person..
that season has passed!
Instead I mourn the idea of an institution..
a state of being!
I wonder if I will ever feel 'real' love!
I know that I can love with out reserve..
but can I be loved that way??
and so I pondered that knowing
it is where I am...
but thankful at the place I am no longer in!
I was able to enjoy my time alone..
even with 'sad' moments!
I have come to understand that there will always be those!
Sometimes its moments of wishing for someone to share
in an event...
sometimes a moment remembering an event in the past..
but for now..
for this time in my life
I will have these moments!
Moments that make me catch my breath,
moments that I must breathe through!
They are interspersed in the moments that I live for!
The moments in which I realize my strength
the moments in which I value my truth
the moments in which my life is complete as is..
moments that mean I am alive..
I am free...
I have fight left in me
and a future to embrace!
And I would not trade any of them...
any of the moments..
the sad ones,
the angry ones..
the strong ones..
the peaceful ones..
because they, right now, make up who I am..
in this 'moment' in time!
and so a week away
has brought not just some refreshment
but also some peace..
and another step in the journey
of healing my heart,
and living without reserve!