Saturday, July 25, 2009

so much to share

I am back from a wonderful week!

I spent 3 days with my kids at the Nickelodeon hotel!
They were thrilled!
I spent 3 days at the beach alone..
with visits from my sister (above)
and friends...
it was wonderful!

As always..
I did lots of thinking..
lots of reading...
and lots of relaxing!

I realized some important things!
I accepted some truths!
I am able now to embrace the memories
and not run from them!
This is a big step!
In the past good memories caused as much pain
as bad ones!
NOW I can smile..I can remember...I can savor it a moment..
and then let it go!
BY doing this I was also able to realize a HUGE thing,
my marriage of 15 years has often, as of late,
seemed in vain!
Other then, of course, my children!
I had bought into the notion that it was all a lie..
feelings not real!
And yet, by honestly facing old memories
I have come to believe what those around me have constantly said..
I was loved!..Just not enough!
BUT at some point..the feelings were real!
IT was not ALL a farce..
and some of the memories are good
for a reason!
I can remember the cadence of our lives...
and know that it was in moments
a good life to live for both of us!
And that gives me peace!

I also realized that I do not miss either of the men I have loved...
Instead what I miss??
Is my belief in love!
My belief in forever!
It is not about mourning a person any longer,
or even the idea of that person..
that season has passed!
Instead I mourn the idea of an institution..
a state of being!
I wonder if I will ever feel 'real' love!
I know that I can love with out reserve..
but can I be loved that way??
and so I pondered that knowing
it is where I am...
but thankful at the place I am no longer in!

I was able to enjoy my time alone..
even with 'sad' moments!
I have come to understand that there will always be those!
Sometimes its moments of wishing for someone to share
in an event...
sometimes a moment remembering an event in the past..
but for now..
for this time in my life
I will have these moments!
Moments that make me catch my breath,
moments that I must breathe through!
They are interspersed in the moments that I live for!
The moments in which I realize my strength
the moments in which I value my truth
the moments in which my life is complete as is..
moments that mean I am alive..
I am free...
I have fight left in me
and a future to embrace!
And I would not trade any of them...
any of the moments..
the sad ones,
the angry ones..
the strong ones..
the peaceful ones..
because they, right now, make up who I am..
in this 'moment' in time!

and so a week away
has brought not just some refreshment
but also some peace..
and another step in the journey
of healing my heart,
forgiving completely,
becoming whole..
and living without reserve!


  1. Fantastic! And remember it's not about you being lovable(of course you are) it's about the limitations of the human male who has been told that loving too much is a weakness, that emotional vulnerability and closeness isn't for men. It's about character flaws in those who can't appreciate what is right before them, a wonderful, vibrant and exceptionally beautiful and intelligent woman. I believe though, that with patience and knowing, eventually a wonderful person will show up in your life. He may already be there somewhere just not ready.

    Your growth is remarkable. You are an inspiration!