Saturday, July 11, 2009

Survive the worst then crumble at something so simple...

I have made it through some rough patches
these past few years!!
I consider my self a tough cookie these days:) ...
and yet..
my 12 year old left for boy scout camp this morning
and my heart is swollen...
I almost wonder
could this be too much??
Why is it dealing with our children's possible hurts
and worries
can crumble us..
when our own worries we can work through?
IN all I have been through these past 3 years
I have 2 WORST memories..
both were not my pain but my kids!
The 1st was the night I found out
that there were extenuating circumstances
in my 'then' husbands need to leave us...
I knew that night I was done!!
I decided to leave and spend the night away
rather then face him in my hurt...
I was barely away when my phone rang...
it was him, he said my 4 year old wanted to talk to me..
he knew that I would never want them hurting without me knowing,...
she got on the phone sobbing
"mommy, please come home..I just want us to be a family again..papas sorry"..
that moment..where I was, how I felt, my need to reach her
and hold her immediately is burned forever in my heart!!
I can remember so many things
and ponder them...
when I remember this my heart aches like it was happening now..
the other memory that I can hardly visit even almost 3 years later
is the day we told our children we were getting divorced!
Their pain was more then my mind could take!!
My littlest crying and saying" mommy it hurts so much, I hurt all over"..
even now, I have to move on..I cannot dwell on it!
I cannot let my mind go back..
I think the memories of their hurt
will always be as fresh
even as mine fades,
and now as I ponder a new stage of worries..
the stage of letting go...
and letting my son grow up..
my heart is once again wandering outside my body
and once again wondering can I handle this?
the rest a piece of cake
compared to wanting to protect our children,
and hold them in our arms forever!
at some point I am learning
we can only, at times, hold them in our hearts....
and wait for those precious moments
when in our arms in where they choose to be!


  1. Oh nailed that one sweetie. Our kid's pain is so much more to us than our much so that sometimes it's all behind them and we are still holding on to it. I think that's why we take on so much of it, so they don't have to. Your son will be a better man for you letting him go and of course you know that. The story about your daughter begging you to come heartwrenching..I can only imagine both your pain.


  2. Awwww :( You are a sweet mommy. Don't put too much pressure on yourself! I don't have children yet, but I can only imagine... Sweet piece.