relect..live..reflect..laugh..reflect..love

I am at the beach..
Last night both of my sisters
were here.
Tonight just my youngest.
This is a first for us..
we are a close family
but tend to be together as a group.
We are learning to take these times
alone.

I have spent several moments
of my time here
walking on the beach..
sometimes alone,
and sometimes in the company of my sisters.

My youngest sister does not talk much..
she walks and collects shells,
leaving me to my thoughts.

At the beach there are so many!
Every footprint I make in the sand
holds memories and hurts,
smiles and laughter.
The footprints reach straight from the ground
and leave imprints on my heart.

I have spent summers at the beach..
all my life.
as a child..
as a newlywed..
as a new mother...
as a broken hearted wife..
as a more seasoned mom..
and now as a content,
although slightly harried,
single woman.

If the shells could speak...
what they might share!

As I look back
I will always remember!
Life passes so quickly!
The good and the bad.
There was moments I wish I could have back.
There are moments I wish I could erase.
There are moments that made me stronger.
and moments that brought me to my knees!

Somehow it now has become
just a part of who I am.
I still reflect and remember,
but it does not hurt like it did.
And as I reflect on the now,
there is much I could do...
much I could be..
much more I hope to become.

But, overall the feeling in the air around me,
the way the wind swirls around my head,
and the ocean moves beneath my feet...
all add to the central state of being
that is mine;
and that feeling is contentment!!

Much to come!
Much to do!
BUT so much to just live thankfully within!

Just like that..it all turns around

Its funny how you can feel like
you are climbing up a hill..
like you might never get to the top!
and all of a sudden
you are there!
beautiful view..
clean air
and you look back and wonder
what took you so long?

This past few years has held many moments
of climbing the hill...
many moments of standing on the top...
and many moments of finding myself sliding
head first down to the bottom!

Today however,
I am standing at the top!!!!
In an amazing, God ordained turn of events..
before I really had my time to get my feet wet
in the job hunt;
I received an email about a job!
I showed up with resume in hand..
was scheduled for an interview this morning-
and left with a perfect job!!

A job that will allow me
to drop my kids off at school
and pick them up!
A job that allows me to do what I love;
teach!
A job that will help me get my degree!
A job that allows me to provide!!!

I really feel like crying!!
Its good tears
but also pent up tears...
tears that have been waiting to fall
but I was scared that if I let myself cry;
I may never stop!

Now they want to fall..
but there will be an end!
There is such relief
and excitement..
and relief!!
Did I mentioned how relieved I feel??

So, this day ends on a wonderful note..
and one week from now
I start a new phase in my life
and take the next step
in this remarkable journey;
called life!!

Why alone feels so different then..not alone...

So, its time..
I am on the hunt for a job.
Summers are good for me
as I can survive and thrive
and enjoy the time with my kids.

But, August is on the way!

I try not to feel nervous.
I know that I can manage for a bit!
I know that we will not starve...
and I know that I will not loose my place to live!
I am luckier then most!
But, still!

Facing joblessness
alone-single-as a mother
takes on a whole new meaning.
I know in a couple things can get VERY tight.
But, in a solo led family
YOU ARE IT!
and if you drop this ball,
there is no one coming behind you to pick it up!

I was raised very traditionally!
My father worked!
My mother raised us!
I married into a traditional marriage!
My husband worked!
I raised the kids!

So this has opened my eyes to both sides
of this coin.
No matter what the future brings
I will always understand deeply
the pressure of being the breadwinner!

But, the present is here...
and the process
of pounding the pavements has begun.
With it the fear of rejection
and the excitement that comes
with new experiences!

And always-
that little part of me,
that has to keep pressing forward
so I do not look back!
So I do not evaluate why I am here!
and how different things might have been.

Its a reminder that perspective
comes easily when waters are clear...
but when they get muddy and sticky and bog you down,
your perspective can sometimes get cloudy too!

So here is to a new day!
new hope!
and clear vision!

Life being hard in the moment
does not change the promise and hope
that the future now holds!

Jumbled emotions..

I took the kids for a day trip yesterday!
We had a blast!
It was impromptu..
and something they have been asking to do!
It happened to be a place that holds
many memories...

one memory was a family vacation several years ago-
the other an anniversary trip.
Ironically the kids seem to have blocked
many memories pre divorce.
I am not quite so lucky!

So, being there was great and fun..
and a teensy sad and surreal!

And yet..
I cannot help it!
WHEN I am with my kids...
providing..
arriving at our destination,
finding my way in new cities;
and to new attractions and destinations.
When I hand them the money
for icees or souvenirs;
The prevailing feeling:
I DID this!!
I worked for this!
I managed this!
I CAN do this!!

Days like that are rare
and hard to come by...
weeks of work
to allow a few extras.
But, the memories
will last...
and the family time
and the talking..
and even the lectures I handed out
here and there!
Made every moment of sacrifice worthwhile.

And the lessons My children are learning,
as they watch me struggle and persevere.
As they live the sacrifice,
as they see and understand what it takes
to make memories happen!
Life is not free
and no one hands you your destination
on a silver platter...
BUT LIFE is what you create it to be.
IT is how you face your circumstances
and your fears!
LIFE is not about your situation
or failures and success..
life is how you live the moments in between!

going, going...gone!

Its that time again..
the time I remember where I was
on this date...

20 months ago!

For the first year;
on this date
The feelings all came back!
The fear, the anxiety, the loneliness....
The internal struggle that night brought.
The darkness that I felt in my soul.
The emptiness that reached beyond
the air around me,
and into my very cells.
I felt it all as if it was still happening,
still fresh, still raw!

The next 6 months
while not as vivid I could still remember details,
I could still go back in my mind.
I could still see the anger and hear the words,
I could still recall the way my heart was beating.

These past few months
I have come to see
that the fear is gone.
The anxiety non-existent.
and the details?
such distant memories
they are hard to access.

Running away that night
was the hardest thing I have ever done!!
There was a time
I believed I would carry that forever.
That unlike the other scars on my heart,
I would never be truly healed.

I was wrong!
So wrong!
Its not a cliche..
not when it comes to broken hearts.
Time helps!
Time heals!

This past 20 months has not looked exactly as I expected.
But, every moment has been worth
every tear!
every moment has been worth
finding strength I never knew I possessed.

Happy 20 months of breathing easy 'to me'...

While the memories may fade
may I never forget
what trading my freedom felt like!
May I never return to the place
that steals dignity and exacts a price
to high to pay.

bend, budge or button down...

I have taken a lot of playful ribbing lately
for my lack of cooking skills..
actually I have taken ribbing most of my life!!
It makes me laugh!
I know its fun!

But, I wonder...
is this an area that I am deciding just is?
Or is this an area I should grow?

It is easy in my new found freedom
to feel that who I am is enough.
I lived most of my adult life
feeling behind the eight ball..
not completely loved by the man in my life.

But, at what point
is your acceptance of who you are,
to the detriment of who you can be?

I really don't like to cook!!!
I can cook to some degree,
and I cooked every day of my marriage!
BUT, it was sustainable and classic!
It literally had no spice ;)!

I wonder why I would feel the need to change that?
Is it for me?
Is it the hopes that I would make someone else happy?
Is it with the desire my son will one day say;
"no-one cooks like my mother".
I can guarantee at the rate I am going,
if he says that phrase..
it will not be meant as a compliment!!

So why?
Why not?

Why accept if its unacceptable?
and what defines the line of what is and what should be?

I wonder if all this comes down to this simple fact;
I want to be more then I am!
I want to grow and learn and excel!
But, I also want to be loved for my weaknesses
and accepted with my faults.

Am I running from a weakness?
Or am I walking towards a new strength?

I guess only time will tell...

I still get catch my breath at the irony..

life is good.
I am content!
I wish I had a job..
but that shall come.
all in all..
life is what it should be!
And I am in a wonderful place.

Yet, still there are moments!
The moments do not make me sad.
Sometimes they make me wonder.
Sometimes they make me think.
and Sometimes I have to take a breath!

There is irony in hurt.
Today I drove by the workplace
of my ex.
Its near my house,
I drive by daily.
For some reason I was aware of the time of day..
and it struck me,
he had probably left work
and had probably gone home.

The irony??
of the 2 of us,
his is the life that most reflects what he left!
He is the one in the serious relationship.
He is the one who goes home from work
to be with the one he loves.
He is the one buying tickets for 5;
3 kids- 2 adults.

How ironic-
when the reason he left,
was not wanting 'that'.
The truth?
It was not 'that'-
it was 'that' with me-.

It has taken time but I get that,
and am OK with that!

But, in moments-
I cannot help but see the irony!
I cannot help but reflect
on all that was and is no more!!

Maybe the biggest irony-
is that out of the 2 of us,
I turned out to be the one
more OK alone.
I turned out to be the one
more OK with where we are,
then I ever would have guessed.

This is better for me-
Better then what was.
I am happier, healthier and more hopeful
then I ever imagined possible.
Not sure if that is irony..
but I do know that it's true.

I am so not what I was...

sometimes I have to look really hard
to find the mother I used to be!!

I am not a bad mother.
I might be a good mother.
But, I am not at all the mother I was.

I am not sure that's a bad thing!
But, sometimes I do not know.

I was looking through blogs the other day,
several years ago
the blogs I would have followed
and read for hours,
would have been the 'mother' blogs.
Not now.
Why is that?

I looked around a friends home recently,
the art work hanging,
the home filled with achievements
and pictures..
That is not my home!
My home is kid friendly!
a family home.
But, the children do not dominate the space.

If I had to describe it..
its almost like
we are a unit.
Each of us holds a place in our home.
Each must play a part to make it happen.
None of us take center stage.
I am the mother.
They are the children.
But, we are surviving!
We are finding our footing
and working hard at this game called life.

and I?
I am no longer just a mother!
sometimes I miss that!
sometimes I wonder
if I have missed out on the simplicity of what was.

But, even if I wanted to be with my children
every single moment of the day..
(which I loved to do)
I cannot!
they are with their dad weekly.
This is a reality!
even if I wanted to spend my nights
playing games, and reading stories
and playing ball in the park,
I cannot!
I would burn out!
It is too much!

I now see and understand
that I am a mother!
But, I am also a person!
I have many roles to balance,
and as a single mom
every function in the home
is mine to oversee!

I hope that they will remember
the time that being a mom
was my very essence..
but then again
I some times wonder
if that is the legacy I want to leave?

Life after upheaval leaves
you questioning all you knew.
and at the very least
you come away
sure that nothing is black and white!
and sometimes what seems right
can, looking back, seem so wrong!
and sometimes the life you are living now
that can feel so out of sync...
can prove to be exactly where you are meant to be!

some things fade..somethings JUST don't!

As a divorced woman,
there is much I have come to terms with!
I have cried many tears,
and felt broken beyond repair.

In time;
the worst moments began to dull
in my memory.
the worst pain
was not as sharp.
The hope out weighed the hopelessness
and the future began to make more sense then the past.

EXCEPT when it comes to the kids...
Yes, that gets easier!
and certianly
their adjustment seems to be moving
in the right direction.
But, in truth-
it's still there.
For them its still fresh.

My girls love the parent trap.
My 10 year old recently said to me;
"I wish all divorces turned out that way".
For her-
the future is not better then the past!
The hope is dulled
because what 'was' is the true dream in her heart!
They are happy,
They are blessed,
They are loved..
but they still wish that what is-
is not!

Tonight after seeings a friends new home
the kids were speaking 'disatisfaction'
with their lot in life..
Their small home,
Their shared bathroom,
Their BROKEN family.
I can not fix all of that..
in fact I cannot fix any of it!

BUT, what I can do
and what I did?
I reminded them not just of what we have..
but what we don't!
We have family-
We don't have anger!
We have a home-
We don't have pretty furniture
that we are afraid to mess up:)!

Life is in perspective.
and the biggest positive change?
They are surrounded by a mini- zoo.
we have many pets
and we all love this.
Many parents do not enjoy this as much!
This is a side effect of a home run by ME! :)

This was all the reminder they needed,
we came home,
they each grabbed a furry friend
and settled in their ,small but cozy, rooms!
Reminded that much has changed!
and much is different!
BUT much would not be what it is,
if all had stayed the same!

etched into the way we are...

I have been living alone for almost 20 months now.
Really for the first time in my life..

I am still adjusting to my own 'schedule'
I still find myself looking at my watch
when alone,
still feeling the need to have things done
by a certain time.

As always;
this has been such a lesson
in not just who I am,
but who I was.

I was the 'wife' that planned the day
around when my husband got home.
If I was out with friends
the outing then ended.
The kids needed to be calm,
house fairly in order.
dinner cooked!
In my 1st marriage this was an expectation
set by me.
In my 2nd a demand in which I had no say.
either way
I lived my life based on some one else's time table.

AND when hubby was gone...
well little got done!:)
dishes would go ignored!
Floors not vacuumed...
PB and J was the norm!
Until of course, right before he came home..
and then the scramble for order began!

Yesterday I had a whole Saturday!
Me and the kids!
And yet the feeling of being on a time table
was still there!
I realized that I am still wired
to feel like someone will walk in,
and be let down if things are not
the way they should be!
But, I also realized
that I DO now live for me!
No-one would know if dishes piled up..
but, they don't...that much!
No-one would know if I never did housework
or mopped the floors..
but, I do!

I am no longer that woman!
The one who did things to please others..
Not because she wanted to
but because she must!
I am ,however, still that woman...
The one waiting for someone to be disappointed
if she gets it wrong and leaves things undone!

BUT, that takes time!
I see that and know that!
The journey is still that..
the destination still a long way off!
But, the mile markers along the way
remind me that when I take a look behind me..
it is evident JUST how far I have come!

what I fear most...

This week I am on vacation with my children.
Today we spent a few hours horse riding,
last night we went go carting!
We have done a movie
and the pool.
We shall end our time
at the beach.
Its been great!

But, it has helped me to realize
why I resist a relationship.
I no longer fear someone trying to control me.
I am stronger then that!
I fear and resist someone
trying to influence and control my family!

I have blogged about my lack of a dating life,
but will admit interest has been shown..
but I RUN!

I was speaking with a friend recently
about a man I had chatted with.
I told my friend that I knew I was incompatible
with this person I spoke with for..
all of 15 minutes..:)
When I was pushed as to why?
I could come up with very little;
other then the fact that our children were different
from what I could tell!

It has ONLY been this week
that I have understood why that was an issue for me.
I envision having to change how I do things-
I cringe when I remember how I allowed that before!

I think now that I see it,
and know it..
I might not have to run from it!

If I a strong enough not to be controlled,
then I am strong enough to protect my children also!
often I fear what I do not understand.
This makes sense to me;
therefore I can face it, own it
and move on from it!

It does not mean I shall date yet;
it just means I will not base my objection
solely of how we vacation with our children,
or who watches what on TV!
Understanding my role is pivotal!
My children do not need a father- they have one.
and I, as the mother,
the sole parent when they are with me;
will always maintain the final authority
when it comes to my children!
End of story-
as it should be!

And now I can move on
to the next fear-
having conquered this one!:)

easier with one then the other

Forgiveness...

I have had a lot of time alone,
and therefore a lot of time to think!
I have reflected a lot on my heart and mind..
on my overall health ;
and looked at any issues that may remain.

ONE crops up here and there..

its this forgiveness thing!
I have tried and almost succeeded!
BUT, I struggle.

My first husband,
I have forgiven!
all involved I have forgiven!
I know him, knew him!
I loved him deeply,
and no matter how much he hurt me
I understand that he did not set out to do it!
I understand that I was a side effect
not the target!

BUT, my 'mulligan' marriage..
I am struggling to forgive!
and it lies dormant..
and then in a conversation
I will relive the details.
and its fresh!
and its there!

I was held hostage daily by his moods!
I was hurt deeply by things he said and did!
My children were affected in ways
that they are still dealing with.

It was a prison!
NOT a life!

That is a smattering of the big picture..
a small piece of a very bizarre whole!
BUT, this person knew who he was!
I was the one fooled!
I was the one who walked in unaware!
and its hard to forgive that!

I have moved beyond it!!
I have healed from the hurt!
And I know that the things said to me
were NOT true!
I know my worth
and am confident in 'me'!

I wonder if I expect to much from forgiveness?
maybe I expect that forgiveness
should always mean a 'reconciling' of sorts!
My first husband and I had that!
maybe, because I equate a renewed relationship
in some form with forgiveness,
I cannot fully let go...
as any contact ever again
is out of the question with this person!
MAYBE...
I can just forgive and let it go,
for the simple fact of doing it!
KNOWING that it does not make it OK!
or make me weak or vulnerable
to one who caused me fear!
MAYBE!

I am working on it..
I am almost there!
The last piece of the puzzle..
the last link to being whole..
but its a doosey!:)

defintitions sure have changed!

PLAY!

My kids are away for a week!
Its my time to PLAY!:)

And what does that look like
for this single, working mom
of three?

Well, so far;

I have had coffee with a girlfriend!
I have had Thai with another girlfriend!
Tonight I have plans for dinner with a visiting girlfriend!
and tomorrow breakfast with yet another girlfriend!
See a trend!!:)

Alone;
I have gardened alot!
I am growing
(green beans, blackberries,tomatoes, mint, lavender
and one lone pumpkin!)
Today I shall see a movie by myself
and visit the bookstore..
I have watched a few rented movies
and cleaned the house...
I have listened to music
and gone running!

And this makes the PERFECT week for me!

Its amazing to me
that the more settled I become
the more comfortable I become
with and without others!
And 'with' others is a part of that!
For a while part of my healing
was withdrawing!
As I become more whole
I can now share more of myself
with friends,
and still be completely content
when I am alone!

Its only taken almost 4 years
and ONE major MAJOR bump in the road!

But, it happens!
Life settles!
Loneliness visits sometimes
but, learns it place!
Contentment settles in
and takes residence!
and Happiness becomes a frequent
and welcomed visitor!

Life moves on!