'It's complicated'

So..
I am officially
'in a relationship'.
We see each other exclusively,
we spent time together when we can...
we smile alot!:)

It seems commitment
for me
happens in levels..
I can say
I will not date anyone else
but it took a while
to say
I was 'dating' a specific person vs 'just friends'.
But,
I got there!

Now,
we joke about Facebook!
I am certainly listed
as single!
At some point
I will take the plunge
and change
the status
to
'in a relationship'..
but,
sometimes
'its complicated' seems to fit more!
The relationship
is easy!
The juggling act is not!
We both have kids
and they come first!
Then there
are the other half
of our families;
the kids parents..
and our friends..
and extended families...
and our jobs
and our hobbies..

just
'in a relationship'
after a divorce does
not seem
quite adequate!
maybe
there should be
a choice
of
"in a relationship in which we balance several plates".

If truth me told....
I wait on a bigger reason!
I am still learning
to have faith
that today
will look like yesterday!
That this will
not fall apart
tomorrow...
I am working
on that part!
and when I get there..
or at least
get further
in the process
then I am today
I think Face book
will be the first
to know!

Pain within Beauty??

I am falling...
Falling into hope..
Falling into the future...
and some days
Falling into fear!

I have gone into
my new stage of life
with eyes wide open!
I am aware of the warnings..
and aware of the realities!

But, thats not what scares me...
what scares me are the signs
you cannot see;
the future;
the day that it all falls apart!
The moment you fall from the clouds
into the dangerous river below!

And yet,
if I live
waiting for the pain,
I may not really
experience and enjoy
the beauty around me!

I can wait...
I can know..
I can expect...

Or I can accept!

I cannot see the future!
I cannot control
what shall be!!
I can live today
in this moment!
I can be fully present
in my reality...
and I can take each step
one at a time.

Today,
I choose
to turn off the voices in my head.
The ones that tell me
that:

Relationships
fail...
People leave..
Love hurts...

And instead
I shall
listen to the sound
of my heart beating,
and let its rythym lead the way!

I don't belong to you!

Dear shadow of broken trust,
I am no longer yours.
you held me in your grip
for long enough.
You stole my breathe
and haunted my dreams.
But, I am no longer yours.

You troubled my spirit
and hunted me
in my safe places.
But, I am no longer yours.

You stalked my footsteps
in the quiet of the dusk..
and interupted my peace
with your threats.
But, I am no longer yours.

You see,

Dear Shadow of hurt,
I have come to understand
that of the two of us,
I am the strongest!
Beneath your shell
of steel,
is weakness and fear.
You pray on those who are frail.
And for a while,

Dear Shadow of fear,
for a while..
I was frail
within your arms.
But, I am no longer yours.

I understand
that when your cold grip
of fear
reaches out and grabs my hand..
you will dissipate into the mist
when I stand my ground.
I have nothing to fear!
Because,
I am no longer yours!

And,

Dear Shadow of dark control,
In case you have ever wondered
just how powerful
your influence was...
how strong your
possession over my mind
might have been....

I was never actually yours to begin with.

Love,
A content, safe and strong Me!

truth? hurt? perception?

I recieved an anonymous comment
that I chose not
to publish!
Because- well- it's my blog
and the comment was
filled with unkind names
and words..
and yet,
I am sure there is some truth
in the perception.

The basic frustration
on the part of this
'un-named person'
is this;
'I am weak in wanting protection and focusing on what
I Have not...selfish, self loathing, psychologically
unfit-not moving forward..ungrateful...unwilling
to take responsibility for my choices..Godless...undeserving...'
and the list goes on.

Why even address this?
People can be cruel..jealous..bitter..lonely..
But, to some degree
I understand!
I understand why someone
who does not know me well
or at all..
and finds my blog
would see only part
of the picture.
If you read some posts
that deal with my hurt
you might miss
the posts
that deal with my
ownership.
you might read about
my broken-ness
and never see the post
that shared about
my asking forgiveness from
my first husband..
because I know and understand
that it takes two people
to have a healthy marraige,
it often takes two people
to destroy one.
So, I understand this.

Am I stuck in the past?
no!
Do I talk about it alot?
yes!
I can say from personal
experience
that dealing with memories
and hurts
and scars
as often as they come up,
has helped me to understand them.
heal from them..
and let them go!
I needed to know
why I made the choices I did..
because yes ;
unnamed person..
I did make the choices
I made!!
But, by facing it
deeply
darkly
openly
I hope to change the choices
I make in the future.

This is my journal..
I do not ask
or force anyone else to read it..
but by writing it
I have found deep healing
and peace!

Am I selfish?
possibly!
Have I taken a forum
and used it for my own self gain?
yes!
I needed a place
to vent and open up..
I needed to share and express!
I needed
to feel whole again!!
so yes!
I will accept that!

Am I weak
for wanting
to be loved?
cherished?
protected?
does that make me ungrateful
for what I have?
does that make me a terrible
mother?
I cannot speak for anothers perception..
but, I can say
that taking 2 years alone
has been the 'strongest' thing
I have ever done!
I have learned so much
about who I am..
and what I want!
But, I have also learned
contentment
in what I have!

In this forum
I speak my dreams
and wishes
hurts and regrets!
But, this is not my life!
This is not a reflection
of the moments I live!

This is a mirror
into
the deepest recess
of my mind.
my nightmares..
my fears..
and my fantasies
about the future
written on paper!

Do I hope for all I express..
I do!
Am I ok
to be alone,
I really am!
I look forward to being cherished..
but, I am content
when in solitude-
I look towards a future
with another
but, I am not scared
of a future without.

This blog has been
an amazing journey!
and not one that I believe has ended
completely.
But, I do believe
the course has changed!

I hope that through my past
others may see they are not alone,
I hope that through my present
some might believe
they too can be content in solitude,
and now as I face the future..
it is less 'single' then before,
and uncertain and exciting...
but, it is different!
It is new...
a fresh start!

I face it whole..
and I face it with strength.

I am not sure what that means
for a blog
that focuses
on the rawness
of a broken life...
and so
I may just visit once in a while..
or I may find
there is more still to say
then I thought!

Regardless..
I regret not a word
or moment...
and hope
that those who needed
to read my words
saw beyond them to my heart.
and I know deeply,
that if no-one
had ever read
a word I wrote
the healing recieved within me
has been the greatest benefit..
selfish or not!

its truth in word..
healing through expression..
hope through progress..
Wholeness through understanding..
and that is ENOUGH!

What I've missed the most...

As I look back on my life..
on my childhood..
on my marriage..
on my disaster..

There has always been a common
need..
a desire
that ran like a thread through
each experience.

A desire to be cherished,
protected,
cared for...
adored!

As a child
I had that!
parents who loved me!
A father who protected me.

In my marriage
not as much!
Protection..I had!
Was I safe from an intruder?
yes!
Would my honor be defended?
of course!
But, was my heart safe?
was I cherished?
no!

In my disaster..
I believed I was with someone
who adored me!
I came to understand
that there is a big difference
between
being possessed
and being adored!
One leaves you smothered
and gasping for air..
The other makes your heart beat
so fast you loose your breathe!

I DO want to loose my breathe...
I do NOT want to gasp for air!

I do not need a father..
I do not need a provider!

But, a protector?
someone to cherish my heart
and care enough
to step into my world
for a moment..

That is what I have missed the most...

Because I HAVE felt this before,
not in my past relationships,
but instead I know this feeling
from my dreams!

It would be nice to feel it with my eyes
wide open!

slow rush or fast crawl.....

For 2 years
I was alone.
by choice.
I learned to enjoy
being by myself.
I became
confident
in who I am,
I figured out
my likes
and my dislikes...

For at least the last
year..
many have encouraged me
to just get out there.
Take a chance,
go on a date...
risk my heart!

Now,
that I have done that
The phrase I hear the most
is; 'be careful and take it slow'.

I get this..
anyone
who knows me
watched me give over my
complete identity
in my first marraige;
as I tried
to be the prefect wife and mother..
as if some formula
would make it
all OK...
They watched
my heart get broken,
and they watched me run
into the arms
of destruction.
They had to stand back
as I fell apart..
They had to watch
as I was pulled to pieces
one cell at a time...
They do not want to see
me hurt!
Neither do I!

But, I sometimes
think
I waited THIS
long to 'date'
for this VERY reason!!

I knew
that others would need
to caution me..
I let others in,
its who I am.
But, I also hate to let
others down..
and so,
a cycle begins
in which I avoid
rather then stand up for me..

And heres the story on that...
I am human,
I can fall..
I can fail..
and I might!
But, I have also learned
some VERY strong lessons!!
I have no desire to repeat my past!
I do not need some one to provide
for me...
or fix my life!
I am not looking for
someone to make my life better
nor shall I compromise
and ignore red flags
for fear of being alone!!

I choose to have
someone in my life
that enhances the contentment
I already have..
that adds to my life
in all good ways..
Someone that knows
what a partnership is..
Someone that sees me
as I am..
and wants me anyway!
someone...
that might one day choose
to guard my heart.

Taking it slow..
for me
is all about the future...
its all about my kids
and knowing
I do not want to
chance
or risk
their instability again!
I do not plan to do that.
Taking it slow...
is in the honesty
and in the communication..
It's not playing games.
It's owning
where I can compromise
and where I will not.
for me,
it is also knowing
that only time,
and lots of it..
will provide
security and stability
in my soul...
some things are no longer
mine to give freely..
and can only be 'gifted'
as part of a very
long process...

But, in the here and now
it is what it is...
and all I want,
in this moment
is to take the joy
and hopes
and minutes
as they come...
and to fall
without a net if I choose..
or grab my life jacket if I want too...

I choose to take
my lessons,
and take the years I
have lived upon this earth..
and move forward
as a strong, independent
and capable woman..
who will take life
as it comes,
and make the choices
that are right
for me..
and for my family!

and in the process..
I will be deeply
grateful
that I am loved,
and watched over,
by many...
a blessing
I never quckly forget!

single..dating...single & dating..its all complicated!

I have stepped off the edge..
dived into the murky waters..
of single-again dating!

In this case,
its not many dates
with new and different people..
instead one person,
slowly..
dating..
moving forward.

A whole new world of complications...

schedules,
and kids...
work,
and friends...

I have learned from the past
enough
to know..
that my children
or someone else's kids..
do not need another parent!
They do not need
me (in the case of another)
or the one in my life...
to fulfill a specific role.
They need stabilty,
security
and the attention
of their own parents...
and they need kindness
and respect
from the other adults
in their lives.

a tight rope to walk
whichever side of the rope you are on.

Work...
cannot be ignored!
Alot of my time..
most of my time..
goes to my job!
As will the time
of another in my life!

Family time
cannot be put off!
The kids have to take priority!
My kids..
His kids...
They have to know their
place
They have to be sure
of their value..

Time alone
is still imporant!

Friends
hold such value!
My friends
have been my back bone..
they have waited out
my solitary game..
they have visited me
in the shadows and helped
drag me into the light..

And then there is
of course,
my parents,
my sisters...
My family -
whose very heart beat
matches mine...

and The person I shall know..
am getting to know..
all his attachments
and hobbies
and outside life.

So many pulls..
so many places
that have a foothold on
my heart..
so many needs to meet
and responsibilities
to step up too...

Beyond all that,
is the newness
and the smiles
and the excitement
and the hope
and the future
and the past
and above all....
the release;
the freedom
to feel..
to live...
to let go....!

I am deeply grateful
that it took me almost 2 years
to take this step!
I am healthier
then I have ever been.
Stonger then I ever imagined
possible..
and yet still..
vulnerable..
yet still...
crushable...

Like every step
so far
I shall take it;
one step
one breathe
one moment at a time...

no news...good news....

Life has been busy...
work
kids
play...

It seems that when life
is at rest
I tend not to need
to write as much...
when life is out of balance
the words
become the band aid
for my troubled
soul..

In this case
no words
means
all is well..

In some ways
better then well.
New stage of healing..
New stage of living..

Loads of emotions
that go along
with any change..
but not the turmoil
that I felt
when trying so hard
to keep others at bay..

So, until
I have more words
to speak..
I shall enjoy
reading the words
of my other
blogging friends!

and I shall be
grateful
my heart is full enough
with all things good,
to be speechless...

....for this moment!

Facing the fire within their eyes...

I love my daughters..
I love my son!
my son is 13!
he has normal moments of anger
and moods..
but is reasonably even keeled..

My girls are the other hand
are more like me...
passionate
and emotional...

The pre teen years are killing me..:)

And yet-
as I react to the look my daughter gives me
when I get close to her and look in her eyes..
when I invade her space-
in my frustration!
I KNOW that she is my child!
I see in her compliance
matched with strength!
She will listen,
she will obey..
but she will not be broken!!

I cannot acknowledge that;
with out understanding
that I want my daughters
to hold onto their fire!
I need them to know their worth
and feel angry
when that is threatened
NO matter who threatens it!

NOW- I need to learn
to accept
what comes across as defiance
and give them the space needed
to retain their strength,
while still expecting respect!
What a fine line...

But, as a mother
who knows what it is
to have your soul under attack,
and what it feels like
to only survive intact
because of a fire within
that refused to be doused,
I can see the fire in them
and know
that I never want
to be responsible for putting that flame out..

Now if I could just figure out
how NOT to match the fire within
them
with
the fire within
me..

Parenting...
Jumping through hoops....
ablaze with flames,
and just praying you
don't take a step
that leaves life altering scars....

No pressure in THAT!:)

Too much information?

I have lived these last
two years
as an open book...
On my blog and on Facebook!
I enjoy being open..
its who I am!

My blog is mine.
People comment!
(and I love my bloggy friends!)
BUT, its my thoughts.. my space.
facebook, however, has a mind of its own!

I have been open..
but its been just me!
my drama
my quirks...

Now, as I begin a new stage..
I have someone 'sort of'
in my life...
casual, new, slow..
but a new stage none the less;
I realize that some things
just belong to me!

So while I will blog the emotions
fears and trials
that come with actually
sort of ... in a way..
(did I mention slowly?)
entering back into the dating world..
I shall keep the rest to myself!
and enjoy having time
to sort out
what I feel,
and think..
without being overwhelmed
by the best intentions of others...

So slowly..
tentatively..
cautiously..
I step from the world
of happily alone,
into the world
of choosing
to sometimes spend
time with another.......

The next step in the journey!

broken-ness , birthdays, and better times...

Birthdays have always
been happy-
never really exotic,
sometimes surprising
and sometimes a little bit dissapointing..
but, mostly happy-

Four years ago
that all changed.
My marraige was over-
I was moving out
in 3 days..
my friends took me to dinner
and no-one cared what time
I came home-
it was over.
My heart was broken.
My life felt over.
16 birthdays with one person..
never to be again!
We signed divorce papers
a few days afterwards.
I was 33.

the next year-
I was about to be married AGAIN..
I was confused, scared and unsure.
My birthday was a disaster
as my soon to be husband
had a jealous fit
over something beyond my control.
and still I moved forward
and married him..
heavy heart and all.
I was 34.

One year later..
I knew I had made
a horrible mistake-
I knew I must get out-
I did not know how!
Things had been ugly
and volitaile...
but I did not know
how to make anyone understand..
no one could hear me..
It was like speaking under water!
Then the morning of my birthday
I was woken at 5 am..
surprised by the man,
who the day before had yelled at me
cursed at me,
told me to get out..
he took me and my kids
on a hot air balloon ride
for my birthday.
The whole time
I felt sick...
like there was lead in my chest!
I knew the price I would pay!
Nothing was free...
I also knew what he was doing,
and sure enough
no sooner had we walked in the door
and he had emailed my family
pictures..
to paint himself as a great guy..
to further isolate me
from anyone who could help me!
I was 35-

Another year passed-
I was now free!
and yet, still feeling alone,
I was still hurting and fearful-
I was finding my footing-
one slow step at a time.
I spent my birthday
quietly
with my kids..
my heart still heavy!
I was 36.

And now..
on this birthday eve.
for the first time
in years-
I am happy!
I am content!
I am at peace!
My day shall hold
all my favorite things..
my children,
my parents,
my sisters,
my friends
and time by myself.

Time as a mom.
Time as a daughter.
Time as a sister.
Time as a friend.
Time as a woman.

A day to celebate the many roles
I juggle...
the many paths I have walked..
the many hurts that have made me cry..
and the many memories that have made me smile.

A day to celebrate
being exactly where I want to be.
Tomorrow...
I shall be 37.