processing privately

so..
not everything is to share...
but everything
is to be processed...

some things leave me heart heavy..
and some things leave me smiling...
and some things leave me confused.

I find very little;
about being single-
straightforward.

whether it is dating
or co-parenting..
or working-
or balancing kids activities...
or finding time for me...
none of it is black and white.

And no matter how simplified
I make my life-
or try-
life is just not simple.

And so there is plenty to process..
in private..
and out loud.
plenty to wonder about
and worry about..
plenty to keep my mind busy,
even when my body is at rest.
and something tells me..
its just the start!

over parenting??

I do a lot for my kids..
I admit!!

I still check on my high schooler
during his school day-
making sure he ordered his lunch!
if he did not bring it from home...
This is not for him
(he orders just fine)
this is for me...

I pack my children's lunches!
they can pack them themselves..
but their lunches
are my love note!
They do not know this yet..
or understand-
that each treat
was hand picked..
each item chosen just for them!
They do not need me to do this..
I need to do this for them!

I sometimes clean their rooms..
or cover them for their chores!
I sometimes carry their plates
to and from the kitchen..
not always-
but sometimes!
I sometimes take care of all
the pets...
I sometimes clean out their mess
from the car...
I sometimes do their laundry..
and often fold it and put it away!
I pack for my high schooler
when he goes to camp-
I pack for my girls when they
go too...
I do the dishes...
and the housework..
and the mopping
and the sweeping-
and I know they can!
and I guess they should..
but sometimes
I do it anyway..

I do a lot..
sometimes too much..
and sometimes
I hand it all back!
before picking it right back up!

don't get me wrong..
they can do things for themselves...
they can do their own laundry-
and clean their rooms
and do the dishes,
and care for the pets
and remember to get agendas signed
and take money for lunch
on catered days...
they can-
and sometimes they do!

but, I love being a mom!
and part of being a mom
(for me)
is doing things for them
that I know they can do for
themselves...
its checking on them..
and loving on them..
and carrying some of their load-
even when my load
is heavy enough!

Its a choice I make..
one I understand,
and balance!
a choice to teach them how
to do it all..
and yet to choose
to do some of it
for them!

When all is said and done-
so soon..
they will take all they know
and live their lives alone..
and I will be left
with the memories
of moments
when I did it all..
and I have no doubt-
I will miss it!!
no doubt- at all!

Alot can change...

In just one week..
so much can change!

One week ago-
I was overwhelmed!
I felt in over my head..
and just wanted to cry!

Today-
I am in a much better place!!
I love my job
and I am excited about the new
challenges!!
I ,of course, love my kids!
and I am enjoying
a new season
as my middle child
has joined a JV volleyball team!
I love my little home..
and have been purging
and it feels really good!!
I love my extended family-
and have been able to spend
time with them!
I love my friends..
and this has been a
great week
for me socially!

And so..
in just a week-
I have climbed down the rainbow..
and found MY pot of gold!
It is not heavy
or financially viable..
in fact,
just the opposite!

It is found in the moments
that make me smile!
The moments
that remind me
why I keep going..
when I just do not want to!!
the moments
that touch my heart..
and reach my soul.
the moments that matter
only to me...

Life happens in those moments!!
And those moments
can turn it all around!

Crying Uncle...

So I often try and do it all...

I get the kids to help..
but make lots of room
for their busy schedules too!
I spend time with them..
I listen to their stories..
I referee their arguments...
I pack their lunches..
I keep in touch with teachers...
I monitor their homework-
I taxi them to events..
and arrange play dates
and sleep overs...
as most parents do!

I give my all at work..
and love what I do!

I also go to college..
trying to give them more
one day
than I currently
can now.

and sometimes-
its too much!
sometimes-
I feel like I am drowning!
sometimes-
I wonder if I will ever catch my breath!
sometimes-
I cry uncle!

Today..
I cry uncle..
reassessing what I must do..
and what I must not!
looking for ways
to alleviate the pressure..
but , also knowing-
that today
I cry Uncle!
but;

tomorrow-
I will be OK!
tomorrow-
I will regain perspective!
tomorrow-
I will embrace the business!
tomorrow-
I will breathe deeply!

Today-
I will remember
that Tomorrow is still to come!

Milestones and memories

My son starts High school tomorrow.

In truth-
he has already been
doing high school classes,
he knows all the teachers,
and continues at the same school.

So its more the idea
than the circumstances.

but the idea..
is pretty significant!

I remember so well
my first day of high school.
I know well
what is to come.
and I understand
that in a few short years
his future
shall begin..
and my present shall forever change!

I am proud of the young man he is..
blessed to share these moments.

I am also alone
in this milestone!
His father and I,
while amicable and friends;
will not stay up tonight
talking about the way life is flying by..
we will not share our memories
of other first days..
we will not laugh over
how fast he has grown.
or cry a little when we think
of toddler moments so long gone..
In truth-
if we were married
we may not have done that either!

Its funny how we change
the perceptions
of what would be,
when we no longer remember
what was.

regardless....
tomorrow-
my life takes on a new season.
my heart will hurt a little.
I will kiss my son,
knowing I am kissing a young man..
no longer a boy.
I will begin the process
of letting him grow..
and face the prospect
of navigating this new road
on my own...

A new journey for us both...
A season of growth and maturity
for mother AND for son.

pandora's box...

The thing
with being alone..
it seems,
is that I am OK
alone;
until I am not alone!

so when I was
solidly single
I was content alone.
Then I started
to date-
and now,
while I can be alone,
sometimes I feel sad by myself!

I do not know
what the future looks like-
or even what tomorrow holds.

But, I know
that I have started to hope
for a presence..
hope for a person..
hope for a resolution..
and hope for security!

Not enough
to sell my soul...
not enough
to compromise who I am...
but, enough
to hurt my heart a bit.
enough to 'feel'-

It seems I opened
pandora's box
when I dropped my walls...
now all I can do
is wait
and see...
not an easy place to be!

a place to process

I think I need to start
carrying a journal with me..
writing is what gets my heart expressed..
writing takes all the feelings
and sorts them out!
and sometimes as I am sitting
thinking
I need to get the thoughts out of my head..
and yet,
I have nowhere to put them!

And so,
I shall get a small journal,
and carry a pen..
and write!

Life is fine..
good..
complicated..
confusing...
unsure..
happy..
content...
unstable...
amazing!
Life..
is
Life!

And sometimes life
takes words
to sort it all out!

Unexpected clarity!

The most bizarre and amazing thing
happened to me
Saturday night!

I was meant to have a date...
it did not work out!
I went to my quirky coffee shop..
alone!
something I do a lot!

rarely do I see others alone...
its a cute little place-
live music
nice menu
wine or coffee...
I always drink coffee..
or water.

As I sat alone-
I saw a man come in on his own.
I noticed!
He was young, handsome..
and its Saturday night!
I could not help but wonder..
why would he choose here?
and yes..I KNOW that I choose here!
but, I am quirky!

He sat for a while,
ate,
drank water..
we made eye contact a few times..
but he was far away.
I read my book..pouted(over missed date)..ate!

He left..
I left later.
I went down stairs
and he sat outside the restaurant on a bench..
he started chatting to me..
we stopped chatting 4 1/2 hours later!

Turns out..
he spends his time alone
the way I do..
wondering the streets of the quaint little town..
away from the bars and the bustle..

now..
he is younger than I am.
Enough to make him think..
Maybe or Maybe not;
enough to change it all?
we shall see...
not so much for me..
but, maybe for him?
guess time will tell!

So..for now..
I have met a wonderful new friend!
One I will see again.

In the mean time..
I realized..
that easy connection?
that fluke meeting?
that kindred moment?
its out there...
and worth waiting for..
no matter the end result!

reflecting....

Someone important to me
asked me some questions...

the goal was to get me to think
about what I wanted
and what my future would look like-

The main question:
where do I want to be in 5 years..

The answer;
right where I am now.

5 years from now,
I want to be in the same town.
Possibly the same home.
I would like to be at the same job..
and will have 2 children still in school.
I want to be near my parents..
and near my children's father.
I would like my life to look
not too different from now..
with less college
(I hope to be done)
maybe a touch more money..
(then again with my oldest in college..maybe a touch less)
and maybe, just maybe...
someone to share the moments with!

The idea-
when I meet someone
I need to know what to measure
to find out:
if they fit with 'me'
and my goals...

The conclusion-
many things matter!
but, someone
content
to live in a small town..
happy with the status quot..
family centered..
and grounded in the reality
that parenthood brings..
tops my list!

Its one question so far-
but, a big one!

Dating 101

I tend to be an all or nothing
person..
I am working on balance..
but,
it does not come easily!

The last small stretch
of dating
held many clues!

One of the biggest
is that from the beginning-
I chose not to date others
and focus on the place I was.
Even though
it was not 'committed'..
and he preferred no expectations.

The result:
me doing a lot of waiting..
and wondering..
and not feeling
so great about the whole thing!

So,
my lesson..
was to be careful
about realistic expectations...
and to keep myself 'living'
while waiting to see what shall happen!

so now-
I have 'dived' into dating..
and have been asked out
on 3 dates
next week..
all or nothing-
that's me!

I have learned that I do
not know..
what I do not know!
Its hard to judge normal-
when you do not have a measure!

I have never dated much..
I want to try it a bit..
see what I like-
see what works
and what does not..

And if in the process..
even right away-
I meet the man
that treats me well..
That Likes me for me...
and wants to take it to the next step,
and I feel the same;
I am perfectly willing
to miss out on all the 'dating'..
but, if not..
I shall embrace the process
and take the lessons..

good and bad!

walking Away

So..
I have been dating
for a short while!
It has been a process...
and one I learned lessons from!

But, it has also been hard-
in moments too hard!

To much baggage
between us maybe?

Or just not a fit?

or just not the right timing?

who knows!

I know that I was not feeling
as I should..
I felt on edge
and in moments 'unseen'..
my expectations-
maybe too high?
but, maybe not high enough.

What I know is that
I want it to feel different..
I want to feel more valued
even in the beginning!

And so I walked away..
I redefined the perimeters...
and my own guidelines..
I left the ending
open ended..
but the expectations are clear!

I move on..
I do what I should have done
all along..
I see other people-
I date without the preset notions..
and I see what I want
and who I am meant to be with!!

above all,
I take back myself..
my power
and strength..
and I live this aspect of my life-
on the terms that count:
mine!

all in the same boat...

Seems the more I blog
about the perils
of dating...
the more I see
that many of us
single parents/people
are in the same boat...

And it seems
many of us
would happily
JUMP ship!

I find dating
a roller coaster..
in truth..
I would say
I find 'early' dating
that way!
Not sure how I will find
a dating commitment.

But, this??
the moments of expression..
followed by moments of confusion.
The inability
to really know what
someone else is thinking..
and the newness
which makes it a bad idea
to ask...

The moments you think you know..
followed by the moments
you are sure you do not!

I know it will not always be like this-
but, for now..
the moments when I 'know'
are NOT enough to carry me
through the moments
I 'do not'...

And so many moments
I find myself thinking
the worst..
only to see that I am
wrong...
but, the next time..
I will probably do
the same thing!

Enjoy the process...
yup!
Sure!
OK!
I am trying!
I am doing 'my' thing..
And spending moments
together..
and in truth things
are going OK..
its just there are moments
when I cannot remember
if its OK or not!

and over and over and over
I think-
is this worth it??
this unsureness...
this insecurity...
this knowing
that the outcome is..
unknown!
is it worth this?
and really...
I do not know!

But, when I do..
I am sure
I will blog about it!!:)