Thursday, December 16, 2010

replacing moments...

A few nights ago I had a disappointment
it hid me hard..
and made me think!

The disappointment was
Christmas plans
with friends..
the idea was to go
on a horse drawn carriage ride..
looking at christmas lights,
then dinner and hot chocolate!

At the last minute
due to illness,
plans changed!
I was floored by how disappointed
I was..

Until I started thinking...
This night was to be different.
I had pictured it in my head...
I had seen us laughing,
and talking...
and was excited about the start of
something new!
The new was me celebrating Christmas
without the hurt
and without the kids...

Christmas season still hurts!
I am fine all year..
I understand why things
are what they are!
I know that it takes two
to change a future..
two to damage a forever!
I accept that what is
should be...

but at Christmas
it still hurts!
Every memory I have
is either my kids
or what was my pre-divorce family!

The last several Christmas's
I have continued to make memories
with my kids..
but christmas memories
that do not involve my
all involve the one I loved...

and I realized
THAT is what this night
had been about;
creating a new memory!
Making some moments
with friends,
that are not about my kids..
or about someone I love...
but just moments
that turn into memories
and become part
of who my am..
and what I look back on
in future pockets of time!

Thats why I cried..
that why I reacted..
it was not the loss of the night
it was the loss of the memory

and now that I know..
I can look for new moments...
and continue to accept
that some seasons are hard
and require more work then others!

and some memories
don't just happen
they have to be made!


  1. Oh, I know this feeling. The memories will be made, just not always on our schedules. It's hard.

  2. I am sorry for your disappointment. It is hard to force new memories, but you are right that if you don't do anything you just dwell in the past. Holidays bring up lots of memories and just seem to be difficult. Hope that you can find some joy over the holidays.

  3. Oh I so understand this! I started dating my ex husband when I was 17, so at the time of our divorce and even still now to some extent, every time I go to share something from my past, it involves him in some way. Now, 5 years later, I am starting to build new memories, but at one point, I literally had not adult memories without him! That's hard!