in with the new? or in with the acceptance of the old!

Its New years eve!
A new start!
A new year!

And yet,
tomorrow
I shall wake up
and feel the same
as I do today!
tomorrow
I shall still
be facing life
as a single mom,
struggling
to make ends meet..
nervous
about my financial future;
working hard
to change the course
of my life.

So what difference does
a day make?
it does not!
but what difference
does a life make?
an attitude?
an acceptance?
THAT changes
the course of what shall come!

As I look back
on the year,
the greatest thing
that has happened
is that I have met
and faced the past!
I have accepted
what was,
and my role
in the choices made!
I have reconciled
the changes
within me,
due to the hurt!
I have begun to let go!

I may not be a different
person
tomorrow..
but I am a different person today!
As I accepted what was,
I made room for what
shall be!
I made room for ME!

and so this New Year
I face the future
having already faced the past!
Happy New Year to all...

I don't dream in romance..

I woke up in the
middle of the night..
my dreams still with me.
and I started thinking...

I never dream
about meeting someone
or of being in love!

I dream about things I know!
Things I am doing!
Things I have done!
I dream odd scenarios
of familiar events..
but I do not dream in abstract!

I wonder,
does this mean
I have given up on hope?
or am jaded?
Or does it simply mean
that my heart
and sub-conscience
can not put into words
something
that seems so elusive!

I guess..
only time..
and dreams;
shall tell!

That time again.....

Soon,
it will be a new year!
and while I have not
yet
decided what my
goals shall be..
I have been thinking
about it!!

I am not sure the specifics..
But, in general
more of finding me..
more of being a mom..
more of living life..
more of striving towards my goals...
more of being a better teacher..
more of being a more selfless daughter, sister and friend...
MORE!

and in the process...
going on some dates, maybe!
taking up a new hobby...
or dusting off an old one.
Taking better care of my health
and body!

In a nutshell
more of the same
some new
some different!
Goals I cannot loose,
because they are who I am
anyway!
Goals
that help me find
my core
while being more present with
others!

Goals
that are about more!
AND less...
less worry about stuff..
less worry about the past!
less worry about the future!
and MORE living in the present!

For what its worth...

I hate to talk..
on the phone.
I love to text..
to email..
to facebook..
to chat in person...
but when my phone rings,
my body reacts!

For many people
in my life,
this is frustrating!
Most know
that calling me is
hit and miss..
texting is guaranteed.

Why?
I have not always
been like this!
In fact,
in my first marraige
one of the biggest fights we had
was the phone bill!
I was always over on
minutes...
or the long distance bill
was too high!
I loved chatting
with friends
for hours..
the phone
was company!

And then!
I met a man
who changed all that!
The phone became
his tether to me!
He called constantly
and expected the phone
to be beside me.
Not answering
ended up
in a dramatic confrontation.
Worse was when I did answer
but was busy,
or distracted!
To him,
that meant he was not priority!
My children
paid a price.
I allowed this!
I hate that I did that!
Then as the relationship
progressed,
the phone became a tool
to hurt me,
and to control me.
Every conversation monitered.
Every number recorded.
Every phone bill
scrutanized.
I hated it!
I walked around the house
with the phone
beside me..
and yet, I never called my friends!
I jumped when the
phone rang...
My hands shook
when I missed his call...
The phone was part
of the chains
around my life...
and when I left;
I, literally, left the phone behind!

One of the first
and most dramatic memories
I have,
of the night I left..
is laying alone in a hotel room..
no-one knew where I was
or how to reach me!
The silence was so loud..
and so SAFE!
I knew the phone
could not connect me
to a life I had fled!
I was free!
I found such peace
in the silence...
It was the best sound
I had heard in many months!

It took me a week to get
a phone.
And I enjoyed being unreachable!
and now?
I do not want to answer it
unless I choose to!
and even when I want to
I sometimes don't answer!
The phone represents
a level of control
I cannot yet forget..
and therefore
I still do not trust ..

and so,
for those that try..
Its not you!
I might answer..
I might call back...
I will text you,
or email you..
I can control that!
please bear with me
and know..
some issues
reach very deep..
and take a lifetime to overcome!!

But still....

It's Christmas morning!
Yesterday
my children and I celebrated
our Christmas
and it was wonderful.
And yet
my heart knew
it was not Christmas!
This morning
when I woke
without them..
my heart knew it was!

The reality
is that the day still matters!
We do our best
and we celebrate,
and we create memories..
and for the kids,
it may not matter as much!
But, for the parents?
the day still feels
like an empty Christmas!
something missing!

This year was easier..
but still hurt!
I am not sure I will ever adjust..
but maybe that changes
when one meet's someone?
not sure!

I know that
the day hurts..
and yet I made memories
I will cherish!
I know that
I broke
over the reality
that I never expected.
I know that
5 Christmas's later,
I still flash back to
the moment,
that I never imagined
a Christmas morning
without my kids...
and I WISH for just a heartbeat...
that I could turn back time!
I know that Christmas
is a reminder
of a family no longer intact!

I also know
that I am stronger
then the day
because I choose to be!
I know I am blessed
because
of all I have,
and the support around me!
I know that having
every Christmas
would mean my children's
dad was not as involved...
and I am glad that he is!

SO deep down,
when the tears stop..
and my heart stops
throbbing,
I know that this
is what it should be
for this season..
and I know that
after all..
it is just a day,
and like any other day..
its what you do with it;
that counts!!

Tis the season...

Yesterday
was a wonderful day
and wonderful memory
for the kids and I!

We were given Disney tickets!
We live an hour from Disney,
and since my son was born..
It has been a tradition
to go to Disney at Christmas!
In 14 years..
we have only missed one!
Some how it always happens..
even when I am not sure how!

This year,
we were blessed with tickets
and a little spending money!
We were able to get a hotel room near by,
and have a blast at the parks!
We visited 3 parks in 1 day!
It was magical!!

As I looked at my kids..
I felt such joy
at being able to provide this!
The irony is
that technically I did not provide..
it was all gifted to us.
But, some how in the moment
the provision
is the being there..
being open to the ideas..
and being willing to understand
that as a single mom,
accepting kindness like this..
does so much for my kids
so much for me!!!

It was a wonderful day..
and leaves me thankful
for my life
my family
my friends...
and my choices!

Bring on the men...

Ok..
not exactly!
But, it is a line
I remember a friend saying to me..
she was sharing
that when she finally
felt ready...
she said
"bring on the men"..
and nothing happened..
not then!
She is now happily remarried.

Life happens in its own time!
But,
I can relate!

For really
the first time in over 2 years..
I am ready!
I have now dated..
I have healed..
I have learned lessons
from the past
and the present!
I am OK!

I went on a dinner date
with a friend recently
and realized
that I am ready for that stage..
I enjoy
being out..
the company....
the experience...

but, now
the age old question
starts!

How..
where...?

married friends will say
it shall happen in time..
:)
and it will!

But, there is also
a very real
reality...
As a single mom..
who teaches preschool
by day..
and takes care of her kids
by night,
where oh where
does one find
'the men..!'

and so
this next stage of living...
next stage of life should be fun!

Ready..
but waiting...
Waiting..
but not anxious...
Excited...
but cautious!
So....
bring on the men!
ha ha!

replacing moments...

A few nights ago I had a disappointment

it hid me hard..

and made me think!

The disappointment was
Christmas plans

with friends..

the idea was to go

on a horse drawn carriage ride..

looking at christmas lights,

then dinner and hot chocolate!

At the last minute
due to illness,
plans changed!
I was floored by how disappointed

I was..

Until I started thinking...

This night was to be different.

I had pictured it in my head...
I had seen us laughing,
and talking...

and was excited about the start of

something new!

The new was me celebrating Christmas

without the hurt

and without the kids...

Christmas season still hurts!
I am fine all year..

I understand why things

are what they are!
I know that it takes two

to change a future..

two to damage a forever!
I accept that what is

should be...

but at Christmas

it still hurts!

Every memory I have

is either my kids

or what was my pre-divorce family!

The last several Christmas's

I have continued to make memories

with my kids..

but christmas memories

that do not involve my

kids

all involve the one I loved...

and I realized
THAT is what this night

had been about;

creating a new memory!

Making some moments

with friends,

that are not about my kids..

or about someone I love...

but just moments

that turn into memories

and become part

of who my am..

and what I look back on

in future pockets of time!

Thats why I cried..

that why I reacted..

it was not the loss of the night

it was the loss of the memory

replacement!

and now that I know..

I can look for new moments...

and continue to accept

that some seasons are hard

and require more work then others!

and some memories

don't just happen

they have to be made!

The aftermath..

I am in such a great place
in my life...
I am happy
and content!

I feel ready for whatever
life brings,
but I am not anxious
nor in a hurry.

I have learned
some great lessons..
and I have many
still to learn.

My heart still cries
in moments,
but the tears
are now water
not salt..
there is no bitterness
in the texture...
I am healing!

But, I would be
remiss
to say
I am THERE!
I think
that after a life changing
loss..
no matter how much
time we think
has passed...
we are ALWAYS
in the process
of moving on.

My divorce
changed
everything!
It changed who I was,
who I hoped to be!
It changed my future
and my goals.
some for the worse..
some for the good..
but little was left the same.

The choices made
after the fact
do not reflect who I was,
or even who I am..
but rather the upheaval
of my heart;
and the journey
of my soul;
as I settle into
normal.

So now..
as I feel settled
and sure,
I remind myself
that I will still make
mistakes..
I will still fall in moments..
my heart will sometimes
tear in old wounds..
and my soul
will in moments
remember what was.

However,
when I fall..
I will remember
how to refind
my strength
and gather my wits
about me.

I have fought through
the hardest part..
I have found myself!

Now,
as I look for a future..
or rather wait on what
the future shall bring...
I allow myself
the failures
and shall end up
with the lessons.

I shan't forget,
but I shall not always
remember
in color...
the mistakes
fade to black and white..
the future is opaque..
and the past?
a hazy recollection
of shadows.

For now the present
is bright..
and exactly where I want to be!

public living...private loving...

I have addressed this a bit before..
it is a topic
that makes me think...!

I have a blog,
as you might know..:)

I blog a lot of my thoughts..
and feelings..
I have blogged about my past
and my present!
But,
for the most part
I have blogged how it affects me..
I have not used names,
and I have tried not to give too many details.
I have been public
about my life..
and shared my hurts!

When I entered a relationship
I became private!
There are many reasons...

I believe with all my heart
that love cannot grow
if it does not feel safe!
safe is knowing
that what you share
and whisper;
your fears..
your heart...
your past...
belongs then to that person
and that person alone.

When that is threatened
whether within
or without of that
relationship..
the safety is forever compromised!

and so..
I do not blog
about the one or ones
I shall date
or love...
or come to loose...
not in specifics!!

And I know
that when I set out
to date again,
I shall want to know
how this person
handles what they share...

(I would be wary of dating
a fellow blogger..ha ha!)

And I would hope that
like I shall do..
any man who looks to date me
will look at my blog..
and see that my track
record
shall keep what his heart safe.

Because we often judge someone
we might date in the future
by how they treated
the privacy of their
relationships in the past!
(a reflection of respect in general!)

If they did not respect those
boundaries..
they shall not respect mine.

and so,
I shall remain
public about me...
but private about
you..
if you, shall one day,
enter my life!

That time of year...

This is my 5th Christmas
since my divorce..
(the one that counts! ha!)

It still hurts!
No longer the divorce,
as much..
but the season!

This is also the 2nd year
I will not have my children
Christmas eve
and Christmas morning...
and it still makes me sad!

There has been time,
but can time heal
the simple fact
that what should be,
is not?
that a day of family time
is severed?
that my children
are away
on an important holiday?

it can..and does...
but,
it still leaves shards
of hurt behind!

Like most divorced parents
I work around the day!
The day is just a day!
The kids are fine!
They have 2 Christmas's
and where they spend
the morning
is exciting either way!!

They do not know
that my heart still
aches
when I think
of Christmas morning
without them!

I am blessed
to have friends
and family who
fill in the gaps!
I think often of those
who do not!
I shall not be alone..
And I have learned
to make the most
of those moments,
that I wish were something else!

But,
the reality of the hurt
is there...
and the ultimate
choice
to overcome is mine.
and I shall...
there might be
a few tears a long the way!
I will, however,
make it my quest
to outnumber the tears...
with moments
that make me smile!

alone...better then not?

I enjoy being alone!
not because I
believe
that being alone
is the goal.

but instead by being OK
alone,
I am getting closer
to offering a 'whole' person
to another.

Being OK alone
allows me to know
that I will not need
another TOO much,
I will not push
where I should not,
I will respect boundaries
and enforce my own.
because I am comfortable
with who I am,
even when I am not with
another!

I have learned this
and come to own this..
only through the simple
act
of time alone..
time spent understanding me
and why
my past
has hurt as it has.
time spent
getting to know
myself
and enjoying
the company I provide.

I reached this place
as I cried
from loneliness,
as I drove
to favorite haunts
with no-one to share the journey,
as the sun set
and rose
on my broken heart..
and I reached this place
alone!

Now,
as I no longer cry,
as I can choose share the drive
but am just as happy not too,
and watch the sunset,
and sleep peacefully past sunrise..
I understand
that when we have faced a loss
and we have dealt with
the aftermath
and we have reached a place
of being OK
with just ourselves...
we are now ready!
we are now whole..
we are now stronger
and more secure!

I have reached this place
of being comfortable alone..
because the person
I shall give my whole
being too..
deserves nothing less!

Much ado about nothing...

that could cover so much..
but tonight
it covers
my first college final is 20 years!

I was a nervous wreck..
the assignment?
a Shakespeare play!
Both a paper
and acting out
a scene!

Extra credit for costumes!

Not only did I dress up
but I brought my 13 year old
along
to help with the part!


I was outgunned on technicalities..
all the young students
had fancy power point..
I had hand written notes!

BUT, I did my best...
and accomplished the goal!
and am one class closer to my degree!

and after 20 years
thats saying a lot...

so maybe it was much ado
about something
after all!

a learning curve

so
now that have I dated
again..
after 2 years!
Had a relationship
that was good..
but ended.

I wonder
do I know what I am doing?

Is being honest enough?

Should slow be slower?

Should timing be different?

Should positive words, that you feel,
be saved
until you are sure
you will never have doubts again?

How do you figure out
how not to say the wrong
thing?
and yet how
to say whats on your heart...
even when your heart
seems to change its mind
in moments!

Dating confuses me!

Should I do what I did;
and retreat to my life alone?
should I just take this as a lesson
in what was right?
and what was not?
or instead a sign
that I am not ready
for what might be!

or should I assume
that maybe mistakes made
reflect a lack of 'know how'
is the bigger scheme
of this dating world....

no matter what I decide..
or what happens from here
I am OK!

I have been settled
alone
for a long time!
Being alone is something I enjoy!

So for now,
that becomes
the default.....

and I hope
that if the time
comes that I venture out
again...
that I will find
what has been
caused me to grow...
and learn,
not regress!

so right.....or not?

sometimes it can feel

as it should..

and feel as you

always wanted it to feel...

it can be SO right

and yet,

so not!

I do not know how
or why that is!

Could it be a heart connection

that dwindles?

or a chemistry match

without heart?

Could it be the past

has dug in too deep?

or just simply

the present

is not fitting like a glove?

I do not know!

I know that there was good...

lots of it!

Nothing really was wrong!...

just something

did not feel

completely right!

Maybe it was just me!

Maybe my heart

will never feel whole

again..

or maybe it was timing!

Or maybe

just not the right 'one'.

I just don't know!

I am sad!

ending a relationship

hurts both people!

I am thankful!

I had a couple of months

with a man

who has forever raised

the bar,

as to how I shall

expect to be treated

and cherished!

I am glad!

glad for the moments,

glad for the lessons,

glad for the memories

and glad that I have learned

to read my heart

and know

when 'so' right...

is just 'not'...

nomatter how sad

and very hard...

that is!

over my day!

I JUST am!

Too many things going wrong..
a leaky car..
a computer virus...
hormonal daughters....

Too much to do...
Christmas play practice...
college final...
Christmas pictures....
Final paper....
Movie to watch for class..

Too much on my mind...
things I know
but cannot yet say..
things I feel
and do not understand...

Too much for one day!
and so I shall head to bed!
knowing that tomorrow
all that needs to be done will still be there,
all that needs to be said
will still be left to say,
all that happened
will however be
left behind in the day before!

and that is a start!