tumbling emotions...

hmmmm...
yep! thats all I have!
OK not really!
BUT hmmmm.....
for the last year I have felt completely
determined
to not date...
or be open to date...
or to even think about dating!
I am not sure thats changed...
and yet,
the idea is not repulsing me as much!
Thats good right?:)!
There is no 'person'
but I have begun to notice
tenderness between men and women...
and remember,
and wonder..
and think,
maybe, that would not be the worst thing in the world!
BUT, then again...
I guess the moral
of my tumbling words..
is I am ready to think about..
thinking about it!
and after two devastating hurts...
thats a start!

New traditions...New tears...New start!

There are so many firsts this season..
and I am learning
that with every first
is a bittersweet moment!!

3 years ago when my marriage fell apart,
my first holiday season was spent at my mom and dads..
I was living with them,
and they carried the load!
It was a sad time for me..!
The next holiday season
I had remarried,
I had hope..
yet nothing was as expected..
we had my family over
and it was preceded by a HUGE fight..
and ended with me crying in the driveway when they left to go home..
wishing I was going with them!
The next holiday season..
I had just fled that volatile relationship..
I was living in an in law apartment
someone had kindly lent us!
There was no tree..
or much room to decorate..
and it was the first Christmas morning
my children were with their dad...
bleak and lonely!

So here I am..
Holiday season number 4!
determined to make new memories...
knowing that means getting beyond the past!
Today my children and I decorated the tree..
we had our first 'alone' thanksgiving dinner..
we drank eggnog
and watched its a wonderful life..
we lit a fire,
even tho its really not that cold!
It was not a perfect day!
We are family,
drama is implied!
BUT it was a good day...
and it was a start for me,
the step towards knowing
I can do all these things alone.
and yet, in a quiet moment,
I sat with my coffee and looked at the tree...
and I cried!
I am not sure if I cry for the past
and a person,
I think I cry because there is no one to do this with,
I think I cry from the hurt
of a missing family member!
I think I cry because I am alone!
And yet,
when the moment passes,
I know and understand
I would not...at this time..have it any other way!
These moments are mine,
the future is waiting...
and the present is exactly where I want to be!

I have lost so much to be thankful for...

its the time of year
when everyone reflects on what they are thankful for...
in my life there is so much!
BUT much came at a price.
I cannot reflect on what I have
without thinking in moments
of what I have lost...

I have my children..
I lost their father...
The moments around turkey with family
will always hold an empty spot..
17 thanksgivings with someone..
and the chair they sat in will always seem theirs..
and yet...
4th thanksgiving without
and it does not hurt ...
there is a twinge..
but, I can wish him well..
This year I will even pick the kids up
at his families
and see his mom
and sisters
for the first time
since he left!
and I am ready....
for that I am thankful!

I have a home..a roof over my head...
I lost the home my children grew from babies to children in..
the home that had hand prints on walls..
height measuring lines in their bedrooms..
and pink counters in the kitchen.
The home I held thanksgiving in...
and entertained my family at...
This year,
our 'home' is just ours!
There are no memories
that do not belong to the children and I.
There are no rooms that hurt to walk in...
there are no hidden secrets and whispered words
within the foundation of this home..
for that I am thankful.

I have a job...
I lost my role
as stay at home mom...
MY children are now away from me...
8 hours a day...
I am no longer home except
weekends and evenings...
they learn their lessons from teachers and friends..
and I do damage control at home.
This year..
my children have shown they can excel in school.
They have learnt so much
and shown that they can be mature about
what to retain and what not..
I am surrounded by coworkers that I love
and respect...
I face a holiday season
without fear of unemployment..
for this I am thankful...

There is so much in my life that has brought me joy..
and most of these times
have been preceded by a time
that brought great hurt!
But this thanksgiving
while I remember the hurt,
I am so deeply grateful
for the growth
that has come from it!

LONG but HEALING!!!

Written on year ago .....
November 2008
I have come to a place of realizing who I am and who I am not!
Part of this journey has been understanding that for much of my life
I have tried to be someone I am not!

I believed a good woman and wife would be meek and mild at all times.
I believed submission meant dieing to self.
And yet, what I have found is that often I felt so convicted in
areas and unsure what was OK to feel and what was not.
Arguing and speaking up was called 'defensiveness' and 'rebellion'
and I believed it. I feared strength in woman.
In fact I argued against women in powerful positions.
I believed strength was in my 'meekness'.
And yet, what I have realized is that in many ways
I was never challenged in areas I held strong.
My greatest area of conviction, my children, was largely left to me.
And so, I continued to believe that I was meek, pliable and completely subservient.
With much internal insight I have come to understand a central truth-
I am strong! I have strong feelings and convictions.
If I argue it is not rebellion or defensiveness,
it is from a place of strength and belief.

As I look at my life and foresee the future-
I envision what my life will look like-I envision my children, their future and their partners.

I want my girls to understand the beauty in their strength,
and the gift of their submission. I want my son to accept his role in whole.
the headship in love and mutual submission to his future partner.
I want modeled for them a marriage
that shows acceptance, encouragement, trust , leadership and yes, submission.
But, this model will not be complete with only 2 of these traits,
it needs all of these traits and more to present the complete image of love
I wish for them.

I look over my life and I have come to understand more of who I am.
I do not need, or even desire alot to be happy.
However there are some basic things I NEED; (no particular order)
1) fairness
2)acceptance
3)basic shelter
4)stability for my children
5)spiritual connections
6)social interactions/family
7)to be valued
8)outlets that leave me feeling like I made a difference

These things are part of who I am and what I need.
My spirit 'rebels' and reacts when these things are missing.
These things make up my core.
So these things need to be in place in my life and relationship for me
to be completely centered.
__________
one year later and I feel all this and more...
moving forward, forward, forward!

Further along then I thought...

Today my mom and I have spent the day
clearing out a trailer
that was packed
a year ago...

I came across journals
and reminders
of the life I fled!

I think I may focus some on that time..
in my next few posts.

The time in which I remarried
believing I had found forever..
and instead found
a life I never expected,
a nightmare I could not wake up from.

It is significant;
as how I got there
matters...
but why I left matters more!

And in reading the journals
written before I left...
I realized that I had begun to get it!
I had begun to realize
that my dignity and humanness
were not up for sale..
that the treatment I was receiving
at the hands
of someone who claimed to love me
was not OK!
I had begun to grasp
my worth!

and as I read those entries..
I felt even more hope then before!
It has not taken me a year to get strong...
it has taken me a year to discover
that I was already strong!
That I had already decided
my course,
that I will not repeat that past
because I had already begun to dismantle it!

A relief to know,
the journey started
before I even realized I was going anywhere.

How long is a year?

Today marks the anniversary
of the day I left..
and turned my back on
the saddest, most oppressive, most demeaning and hurtful situation I have ever been in...
I have relived that night in my blog..
it was truly the worst night of my life!
And so, on this significant date
I will instead reflect on all that has come to pass!

One year ago I left..
with no plan!
I will be eternally grateful to those
who paved the way
with a moments notice,
for me to be safe and free!
I did not know where I would live..
where I would work...
how I would survive!
I was scared to death!!!!

one year later...
The kids and I live in a wonderful little home..
we have a big backyard,
a fireplace
(that we use in ANY weather!!!)
family pets...
used but good furniture...
its eclectic..
NOTHING matches!
ITS quirky as all get out!
Its EVERYTHING my home should be!
And when I walk outside in the mornings...
I breathe in the air
and I know that I am free..
sometimes I worry about bills...
I do not have a lot..
but I have a place
for my children and I..
provided, not by someone
who expects my soul..
but instead by my hard work!

One year later....
I have a job I love...
I teach little ones!
something I was born to do!
I have always loved children!
Always loved to teach!
And Always loved to nurture!
Ideally I wanted to spend my lifetime homeschooling my children..
that was not the plan for my life!
So instead I get to love on others children.
They are part of my heart...
and I would not choose to do anything else!
If I must be a working mom..
and I must..
I am doing what I love!!

One year later..
I am 3 weeks away
from completing the classes I need for a 2 year certification
needed in my field!
There is a little more left in the process
but I am almost there!
6 months of school
for 2 nights a week..
while working full time..
and raising 3 kids..
no small feat!
But, I did it!

One year later..
I have started counseling!
I have begun to learn how to say no.
or at least recognize when I should have said no!
I have started becoming who I want to be
rather then who I think I should be!
I have had not one moment of regret for leaving!
My regret is getting in the situation to begin with!
and through counseling I am learning
how to make sure
it never happens again!

On year later..
I have yet to go on a date!
and I have yet to desire to go on a date!
I have been asked..
and I have considered...
and yet know I am not ready!
I am where I want to be,
and for now that is very single!

One year later..
my children are thriving..
great grades in school..
all involved in outside activities...
all have friends..
(or in my sons case..the introvert..he knows some people he likes!:) its a start!)
they love their church,
they see their dad,
they are normal kids
with normal issues..
and thats the best part!
There is no longer dysfunction and fear!
Their life is normal...
their mother happy..stressed sometimes..but happy!
They are free to just live and be kids...

On year later...
I am participating in a church dinner theater,
something I enjoy!
I walk and sometimes run!
when I choose!
I am a vegetarian
most of the time vegan..
something that feeds my soul
and convictions!
I have a best friend!
I have old DEAR friends!
I have new GOOD friends!
I have SADLY lost some friends!
But, my personal life
is rich and full!

One year later...
above all..
I am relearning to trust
and rely on
my savior and Lord!!
I have been protected and carried
by Jesus..
through the storm!
He has taught me that no mistake
is to big for him to forgive or restore..
that no hurt is to big for him to heal!
He has loved me completely!

One year later..
I am safe in his arms..
I am free of the fear!

When you know life will never be the same..

I was on one of my favorites sites ; Dianes addled ramblings. She used a prompt that I am borrowing:

Describe in 1000 words or less a time when something happened and you knew that life would never be the same...

For me the moment took months to get too..
we were nearing 14 years of marriage.
I knew something was wrong...
but I did not know what!
I assumed it was finances,
I assumed it was stress.
The LAST thing I assumed was that it was over.

The drama started when I asked one night,
" is it us?"
and he replied
" I think marrying you was a mistake".
ouch! and yet still there was hope..
somehow still hope..
and then the counseling
and the fights
and the tears..
and I could not understand!
Why?
What was wrong?
how could I fix this?
I was desperate to fix this!
I loved this man more then I had loved any one or anything in my whole life..
I had loved him blindly and completely...
I had a family with this man..
children whom I love more than anything is this world..
I could not loose my life..
and that is what it would be!
But, all I got was
" we married too young. I need some space".
Then the counselor, also at a loss,
recommended a separation.
still I hoped!
I lay in bed the night he left thinking,
" This is us. We have been together since we were 17. We will be OK".
there was hope..
and then he came home one night..
and sat at the table and said"
" I am ready to come home"..
and in that moment I knew it was over!
I saw something in his eyes...
I knew there was a question I must ask.
and I knew that the answer would be the death of my hope!
In that moment I knew it was time...
and I uttered the words that started the process of loosing my heartbeat, my love...forever
" is there someone else"..
I knew...
"yes" would follow..
then came the death blow..
"do you love her?"
and in the reply
came the loss of all hope.

acceptance or denial....?

I have to admit...
that there are certain things about a divorce
that get harder with time..

there are things that get easier..
certainly the hurt is less in time,
certainly the fear gets better,
certainly as you let go
it gets easier..
You make a new life
and you move on...

BUT, for me one aspect gets harder...
The 'other lady' in my now ex's life..
The one whom now shares his heart and home,
is now the 'other lady' in my children's life.
And sometimes I struggle...
They like her..
my youngest adores her...
and she is good to them!
and I am GLAD she is good to them!

SO why do I sometimes feel jealous??
maybe because finances are different in their home..
2 incomes...
therefore more fun activities...
maybe?
maybe because sometimes I have to let go of one of my plans...
times when a movies watched with her is one I had looked forward to watching with my girls..
or a play attended is one I had hoped to share with them...
its selfish!
I KNOW that!!!
and yet its there..
that wish that as their mother..
I never had to share moments!
I never had to bring up something I was excited to do with them..
only to hear its been done already with someone else...

AND yet..
if I had to choose
I would take this over someone who hurts them!
This breaks my heart,
the other would break theirs!!!

regardless of the positive..
no matter how grateful I am for the good...
there are moments
when the other lady in the lives of what used to be MY family
makes me feel really, really bad!

trust even when things are good?

I used to always believe life was good...
people were good..
and ultimately it would all work out!
these last three years have taught me
that life is hard..
people are not always good...
and sometimes it just does not work out at all!!

It has caused a deficit in my ability to trust..
in anything!
I went from the naive gal who trusted too much..
to the naive gal who is still surprised by life..
yet does not trust at all!!

when I notice it the most
is when things are going good!
Right now is one of those times...
out side sources have been blessing my children and I
in big ways and small ways
and all such important ways!
some of these blessings literally improved our life
by improving the comfort of our home...
some of these blessings have touched my heart
as they are affirming and validating and accepting...
and all of these blessings have left me speechless.

And yet,
My head keeps running to the next stage,
the stage where it gets hard again...
the stage where I might get hurt again...
the stage where I might feel alone again..
and I wonder..
when does the trust return?
not just the trust of men..
but the trust of actions
and people..
the trust that those around that say they love you
and show it..
and follow through...
won't suddenly stop and run and decide you are too much trouble..

I always thought trust was only with in a relationship
and yet through this
I have come to understand that when you have been hurt
learning to trust
is in everything you do..
and every breath that you take..
its in your friendships
and your conversations..
its in your thoughts
and your actions...
learning to trust that you can trust..
and what is...is...
is a much harder process then I ever imagined!

learning to live in the moment...
and accept that this moment is real..
and just feel happy!
Instead of waiting...
for the roof to fall again...
is a task...
BUT, its a task I am glad to face!
Because facing this
means that there are those showing their love..
and daring me to trust...
and so in this moment I start..
in this moment I trust!
Knowing tomorrow I will face the battle again..
and knowing tomorrow I will choose again
to live in my moment..
and trust in this moment...
and eventually I will no longer fear to trust...
I will just once again live
and trust will once more be apart of who I am.

significant date

I looked at the date today
on the church bulletin..
and it nagged at me!
what was significant about November 8th!
and then I remembered!
It was the anniversary of my first date
with the man who owned my heart for 16 years
and who then broke it completely......
19 years ago today we had our fateful first date..
17 years old!
So young!!
and yet,
as I remembered the date..
and remembered the fact that for years we re-enacted our first date..
a very significant fact HIT me!
On our first date we went to pizza hut!
I HATED pizza hut!
Did I say that?
Did I suggest somewhere else?
Of course not!
I went and enjoyed and stared in this boys blue eyes and fell hopelessly in love!
I did confess at some point
that I hate pizza hut..
but it stands out now,
as I am learning to say no!
learning to respect my own boundaries!
Learning not to compromise to please others...
I am able to look back and see how far back this issue goes!
and accept the scope of what I am trying to overcome!
and as with all issues..
its starts with acknowledgment!!
and then requires steps to overcome the past
to make a better future!

The un spoken understanding between broken hearts...

When I speak to people
about my pain
these past few years..
some get it..
some feel it on my behalf...
some sympathize...
some listen..
some help...
but only some
Speak the language of a broken heart!
A language that is learned
through pain and brokenness
a language that can not be translated
only understood...
a language that takes but a moment in time to learn
and a lifetime to learn to live with..
and yet the beauty in this language
is that if you have learned it..
you have also learned to speak it with strength,
you have learned that this new language of hurt
does not define you..
and you have learned that speaking this language
allows you to understand
the heart to heart communication
from someone whose heart is breaking still..
it is a language of loss...
but it will become a language of love.

Happy Birthday to my Middle child and oldest daughter

Today is the tenth birthday
of my Daughter!
She is an amazing child.
She is passionate
and talkative.
She is funny
and sassy.
She is such a helper
and has a giving heart.
She wants to change the world,
and has already changed my life.
She is a blessing
and she is my heart!
Happy birthday my Shyla!
I love you-
mom

what makes it so hard sometimes?

the reality is that being a single mom (parent) IS hard!!
I have been a single mom now for almost a year...alone!
While my divorce happened just over 3 years ago,
the first year was spent with my parents..
the next in a- Hell on earth- marriage..
and so now, I am doing it alone!
And while I still, daily, feel grateful
that I am no longer being hurt and trampled on emotionally..
the reality is sometimes
I feel the weight of what it is to do this by myself..

My kids!
I want to be a great mother!
and yet, I have just a few hours a day
and every other weekend..
to be that 'great mom'.
So, if I am tired
or they are fighting
or I am distracted..
poof...that times gone..
and in its place the regret and guilt
that my time was not managed better!

My bills..
I hate to even go here..
I would rather bury my head in the sand..
BUT, I was out of the work place for 10 years...
I never went to college...
I married young and just wanted to be a wife and mom...
I love my job now...
would love to do it forever!
BUT, financially, I struggle sometimes to keep my head above water!
and I think this is an aspect that is SO hard for single moms!
We are ALL grown up!
We were used to a certain way of life..
not necessarily an excessive way of life..
BUT most likely comfortable..
and then you find your self, often, in a lifestyle that is no longer even 'comfortable'...
and adjusting to living that way..
is not easy!!
and adds to the stress..
and then there are all the EXTRAS...
the house,
the yard,
the car,
the trash,
the holidays,
the school events,
and , of course, work!..
then there are the 'talks'
the S*X talks with the preteens..
the no drinking and drug talks..
the peer pressure talks..
the daughters whose friends are BFFs one day and mortal enemies the next..
the homework...
the school projects....
then the extra curricular activities
and church....

then there is the 'split family'
the different rules in the two different homes...
the split holidays..
and shared family times and events!
its endless...

and when you look at all that falls on you...
even when the other parent is in the picture,
as my childrens father is..
and its overwhelming!!

and so, know how BIG it is..
realize this is not a small feat!
as a single mom you have gone from
a helping income, if you worked at all,
to the only income!
and even with child support,
it can be hard to make ends meet!
You have gone from security
to a very shaky foundation,
you have downsized, most likely,
your home..
your income..
your assets...
your friends...
your lifestyle..
and you have up sized
your pressure
and your responsibility!

IT will be OK
BUT, the reality is scary sometimes..
and sometimes you need to build in the times
to face what is...
grieve what was..
and be better prepared for whats to come!