Some people say they have no regrets...
I am not one of those people!
I have regrets! They don't consume me. I learn from them. I move on from them.
But, they are there!
The greatest concentration of regrets in my life ,are in the time period following my first divorce!
Yes, there have been 2!
The first happened after nearly 15 years of marraige. In essense it 'happened' to me. I went kicking and screaming all the way. Protesting and rejecting the very idea, the very reality, the very circumstances that I found myself in. The other 'happened' after merely 13 months, when I chose to remove my children and I from a phsycholgically unsafe enviroment! A result of a sudden move...
But back to divorce number 1. This was the catalyst in my life. The journal entries I have included on my blog come from this devastating time! This was when my heart was broken and has truelly not yet recovered. But, during this time I made 'sudden' moves that i wish I had not.
Some , not because they were wrong, but because I am just not sure if they were right.
There are so many examples; one is that I got rid of all wedding pictures, jewelry, letters and mementos from the marraige. I wonder if I will regret it one day. ( and if I will, don't tell me... its too late.) At the time, and still now, my reasoning was that to look at wedding pictures of a couple who severed their marraige, is like looking at pictures of a person smiling hours before a tragic accident! You know how it ends!! However, I wish that I had waited to decide, when I was not in an emotional, reactionary state. This was an example of a sudden move....
As I speak to women who have been through this situation, and read some books, and get some help...I understand , to my core, why the suggestion about dating is too wait. I knew it then. But knowing it and understanding it are night and day. I knew it ...but knew better!
And for me this led to a deep regret!
When my marraige ended I ,like many I believe, felt I needed validation! I needed someone to tell me I was lovable, valuable, desirable...enough! Of course, (Then and now) I knew that our validation as christians is in Christ! I knew it.. but did not internalise it. In addition I NOW know like I know like I know that I must be enough for me!! That is starts there! BUT, I had been rejected by a man, therefore felt it would take a man's love to right the wrong done to my heart! Alas, this led to deeper brokeness and hurt then I could have imagined.
So here I am. And heres what i wish I had done, known, acted on or just listened too... then.
I choose now to define who I am before I try and define myself to another!
I choose now to establish my own identity and worth outside of the 'roles' in life that have always been mine.
I choose now to be alone because being alone is not the worst state of being...
I choose now to value the company I provide...even if its only for me!
I choose now to get to know myself before I get to know another...
I choose now to learn what true 'surrendering' to the Lord is!
I choose now life...a life that is mine!
....a life that is true .. a life that is honorable.. a life that is defined not my the role I play, the title I bear, or the letters before my name... a life that is defined instead by WHO I am.. and HOW I live! And to WHOM i give the glory!....
I choose to let go of then and instead live for now!