October 07th, 2006
I realized today , after a divorce or seperation it is not longer about shopping for pleasures- you shop for replacement. Panties never seen by ex, Pajamas never worn....
memories are in everything-
Life becomes about replacing the old- and looking for hope in the new!
Again-the loss is hitting hard-
The loss of C__- I love C__, I've lost C___!
the depth of that, the pain of that, the physical reality of that!
I did not know I could live without him- I thought it was physically impossible.
Now I grapple with not only loosing him, but realizing I never had him to begin with,
Sometimes my heart hurts so much
- the pain, the grief, the loss-
November 16th, 2006
More and more I accept the reality of what is. More and more I let go.
However, I face a new crisis; a new realization: I am a single mom! this is permanent! C__ is gone, forever!
The kids and I just got back from a disney cruise. It was neat and fun- and something I am so glad we did. and yet, I felt so alone. with No-one to share the moments with, no-one to share the fears.
I realized how alone being alone is. I was not lonely, I was alone-
thats what I grapple with- the enormity of doing this alone! The reality of being the disciplinarian, decision make, sole parent in daily ways. It's so big sometimes that if I let it, it would swallow me!
November 19th, 2006
As I look back over these past 2 months in my journal- what a journey so far.
I cry for the women whose heart breaks in these pages and yet i look in the mirror and know that she is okay-
She is strong and peaceful!
She is loved and she is safe-
She belongs to one who will never hurt her-
The women whose heart bleeds in these pages in being restored.
A whispered promise is being fulfilled-
There is hope...
She knows this!