Tuesday, February 17, 2009

journal entries,cont...unexpected moments

A look back....

November-26th 2006

Unexpected moments.....
C____ trades in 'our' van, am I truelly sad? YES- it was a part of our history and it is one more link that is no more! One more symptom of moving on- One more step towards a future apart-
Who does this hurt more?
Sometimes I feel guilty- I feel guilty because all these steps mean its over. My heart says its over.... and yet the kids, the poor kids!!! They yearn for this to be a mistake! And I feel guilty! I feel guilty because for the first time, my children and I do not want the same things....
For the first time I don't want us to be a family again....
How can I explain that?
How do I explain a heart thats not broken but severed?
How can I explain forgiveness offered yet thrown back?
How can I explain that this hurts less....Loosing it all, hurts less then knowing I never had it all, nomatter how I tried!
Being with C____ but never really 'having' C_____- hurts more then loosing C____-
How do I explain that?
How do I explain suffocating in your pain?
How do I explain the clouds and shadows that follow rejection?
How do I expain the loniless you feel sleeping beside your life partner?.. How do I explain that I am less lonely sleeping alone in my bed, then sleeping beside a man who rejected all I was?
I can't explain-
I just move through it-
And I pray they never experience enough to truelly understand!!

The hope in my story is, as you will learn as I share... The man who once hurt me is now my friend, and truelly my partner in parenthood! restoration happened... healing happened... growth happened! But the hurt also happened! It is now part of who I am.... it just no longer defines me!
There is hope... and when the journey backwards ends..the journey forward, with all the hope and healing it entails...will begin!


  1. You are a wonderful, inspiring lady!

  2. I know exactly how you feel. Check out my post today....my humorous attempt at wanting to get along with the ex (we still don't after 7, yes, SEVEN years....)

  3. Amazing as usual Deb! Your kids are so blessed to have you....focused on the Lord and a rock in a world where their very foundation was shaken.