Tuesday, February 10, 2009

How I got here

It is impossible to explain where I am without another look at how I got here! While 2 plus years later I am in a much healthier place! The hurt of that 'initial' entrance into this single world is still so easy to recall!
There are 2 very vivid recollections about the days following the final break up of my marraige!
the first was the feeling of speaking in bubbles! It was like living in a comic book. In front of me were conversation bubbles of all my memories, thoughts , feelings, confusions and fears. They dangled in front of my eyes at all times but when I reached out to grab them they popped...just like a bubble.
The other vivid feeling, was the constant feeling that I had left something behind or forgotten something. It was a phantom pain, that involved not a limb but a relationship! Now as I understand a little more about the process of divorce and the emotions involved, I describe it this way; When you are married you become one in a very real sense. When you divorce a very real 'tearing apart' happens. There is no way for the break to be clean. Its like papers glued together, when you rip it apart there will fragments of the other paper left on each piece. Thats what it was. I was fragmented. The break had taken parts of me away, and left parts of someone else behind. The hope in this is that while the pain and hurt was very , very real; The healing will come. As with any wound , in time the hole will begin to close. You will absorb those foreign 'agents', those fragments that belong to another, into your skin, your body, your heart. They will always be part of you, but in time they will belong to you in a way that feels natural and no longer causes the ache and the pain that cripples you in the beginning!
I will never forget the brokeness and the pain I felt in those early sorrowful days! BUT I can honestly remember back now with objectivity! When I see her ( the memory of my hurting self) I feel emphathy and sadness for her pain! BUT I know there is hope! I know she will survive! I know she will overcome. SO I can remember, but I no longer live the memory! Now I live the present! With victory!

1 comment:

  1. I'm happy to be this first person to comment on your blog. You are a very good writer and I look forward to reading more.