Wednesday, February 18, 2009

journal entries,cont...drowning...

December 11th, 2006

Thats how it feels sometimes! I feel smothered and choked, tired and over it all-
The walls tightening, the roof caving in.
........Then it passes.......
But, this minute, RIGHT NOW , I am drowning-
Why now?
I think its the aftermath of a crazy few months, I think its the season thats breaking my heart, the reality of the finality coming so soon-
It's all hitting.
The knowledge that 'whats next' is just around the corner.
The sadness!
In church today I realized that my greatest fear was NOT loosing C____-
My greatest fear was C______ loosing ME!
I can handle my pain! I can handle the kids...not because it's OK, but because I can help them through it- But, I can't handle C___'s pain! It crushes me- breaks my heart- I am all he has/had!
When I think of him lonely my heart bleeds.
I have to remember I no longer own that pain! I have to remember I gave him to God. I have to let God love C______, and heal him and restore him.
This parts hurts....
the kids, their pain, his pain, my pain....
This part hurts....

December 25th, 2006 12:06 am

Well, Christmas eve is just ending-
Christmas day has begun-
and my heart is breaking.
Today has been one of the hardest days I remember.
I have cried so much-felt so sad-hurt so deeply-
And I hurt for C____, I hurt for what he has done and what he cannot see. I hurt for his pain- and the pain of our children.
I hurt to be apart- and i hurt to know that it has to be -
I hurt with my heart and soul-
Today was harder then I expected, sadder then I imagined-
and yet, Christmas eve is over- and God gave me the ability and strength to come through it-
I am here-it is gone

End of Decemeber 2006..

sometimes my heart is guarded from reality and often my heart is grateful at no longer being
But, now in this moment my heart is bewildered.
a part of itself gone- but, not belonging to another, instead that part was tossed away and now
lays discarded....
missing but unable to be found...
How did this happen?


At some point I came up for air, realised that I was not drowning, just treading water in an area a little over my head!

I found a way out.

I found a way to let go of what was not in my control and for me that meant letting go of the love I felt for another!
It meant seeing reality as it was, not as I hoped it would be!
It meant finding solid ground to set my feet on....and it happened...
one step at a time!


  1. I remember feeling relief at first and then the realization setting in and spending a whole week just crying. It was like I was mourning my marriage ending. My kids were at their dads, I was re-painting the house and I could not quit crying. Like you, I felt that realization... Weird, I haven't thought about that in a long time. I don't dare bring out my journal from then...I can't imagine what a mess I was.