Light bulb moment

yesterday I blogged about my counseling session...
I was given homework
and it all had to do with respect!
I have been stumped..
as I do not believe I have low self esteem...
so how do I not respect myself?
and yet I am beginning to learn
that you can like yourself
and not respect your self..
and while I am still stumped
on the respect...
(the homework assignment is what can I do to begin showing respect to myself?)
or something along those lines..
I have had all these other 'light bulb' moments!
A big one
is the realization that I am afraid to make the wrong decision!
I am almost paralyzed
in my concern
that my choice will not be the right choice!
So, I take polls among friends and family..
I worry and waver...
and wait until the answer is impossible to argue with!
Certainly not on everything in my life...
but within my relationships , for sure....
Which leads to the second 'light bulb';
I do this because I want to please those around me..
and more importantly I want them to think well of me!
This was a sort of a shocker to me..
I know I am a 'people pleaser'
but I always thought of this as a 'giving' trait..
I don't want to upset anyone, ect,
BUT NO...
I think its a fear of people not LIKING me..
and that shocks me...
I dress the way I like..
I have more animals then anyone I know approves of...
I am a tree hugging vegetarian
and convicted on some very quirky topics..
I think of myself as free spirited...
and yet,
its seems I have a need to be loved and accepted
that drives me at a deep level..
and has kept me at moments in situations
I know to be wrong
because I was afraid if I left
others would not approve!
WOW!
Ok, so now, I guess I have to figure out where to go with that!
And I guess counseling is the place to be!!!

therapy..friendship..and orange juice!

I guess the key is...
what do these three things have in common??
and the answer, of course,
is that they are all good for your heart!

I started counseling today..
a MUST in the journey to healing..
I have been to counselors before..
but ,I speak as if I know..
and I have lived like I know nothing...:)

The key is finding someone who hears
what I know
yet views my choices
and gets that I am trying to live LIKE I know...
But am not completely sure how to do that!

I know that I have been co-dependent..
I know that I have not always stood up for myself..
I know that I have lived in denial..
I know that I can be passive-aggresive
I know that I can wear rose colored glasses...
I know that I deserve a love that is true and real..
I also KNOW that I deserve better then I have received
from those I trusted with my heart......

BUT, how do you take what you know
and turn it into what you do?
How do I teach my girls to stand for who they are..
even if they risk loosing the one
they think they cannot live without?

and so... a new journey starts....
with someone who sees
and gets
that I did not respect myself enough
to take a stand against
what should not have been..
I do not yet understand what that means..
Respect seems like a looming word...
and a definition escapes me..
so maybe that is the place to start...
I think sometimes we feel we 'like' who we are,
and it is just starting to sink in..
that maybe liking someone is not the same
as respecting someone??
maybe I can like who I am without respecting myself????
so much to learn
so much to understand..
so much to be thankful and excited about....

I am excited about the process..
I know this is the next step..
there was surviving...there is continued healing...
and then there is moving on and beyond....
And thats where I am now..
I am moving on...
and I can't wait to get to the beyond!

where did I go wrong this week?

As a single mom...
my children are reflected in my blog
alot..
my journey and story is not complete
without the perils, joys and hurdles
of walking this path alone...
Some weeks I feel I have it..
and some weeks I know I don't!
This was a week in which,
while a lot went wrong..
(broken toilet, broken phone, kittens stuck in a tree and a forgotten science project)
I did not react towards my children..
I reacted to the stress!
And yet,
I still saw tension in my children,
more fighting between them...
and I wondered why?
The only thing that makes sense
is that,
while I may not have reacted towards them
or been angry at them...
the stress caused an interruption in our life
and a break in our pattern!
Family game night did not happen
due to plumbing issues..
Family movie night did not happen
due to boy scout event..
and the list goes on!
It made me realize how important routine is..
sometimes I am at the end of my rope..
tooo tired to play yahtzee when a crisis has zapped my energy..
and sometimes thats OK!
BUT often, the few minutes taken to keep some semblance of routine
is worth the few minutes later to bed...
or the dishes that wait until morning!
I learnt this lesson after the fact..
so now have to implement it..
knowing life WILL throw curve balls
but understanding that while children
ARE resilient..
in many ways they ARE just NOT that flexible!!!
and its up to me to ALLOW them the freedom NOT to bend when possible!

My weekends VS his...

Its amazing how
the shared weekends..
can take on a new meaning
in the busyness of life..
in the beginning
it was the hardest thing to do..
not having been away from my children much
being a very hands on mom..
handing my kids over
with no say in their time,
behavior, food or care..
was scary...
then came the time that it was freeing!
It allowed me a weekend to 'play'..
and now,
the opposite..
now I enjoy my weekends alone.
and thats what they now are...
weekends 'alone'!
I see girlfriends here and there..
but mostly I refresh for the week..
spend time at home..
and do all the same things I would do with the kids...
cleaning!!! :)
BUT, now its not those weekends that I anticipate the most,
now its the weekends with the kids that fuel me...
the Saturdays mornings with cartoons and pancakes..
the freedom to take them for shoes and slushies...
the bike rides..
and church as a family....
family movie night and ice cream night
happen on my 'weekend'...
and I find myself sitting here this Saturday morning..
knowing that time to recharge is important...
but time with my children in the relaxed state of a weekend..
is vital..life giving..
and the fuel that drives me until the next weekend that is mine....

perspective.....

Today..My phone died!
well and truly...
dead!
big deal?
its the only phone I have.
so..yes!
BUT,
yesterday
our only toilet DIED!!
big deal?
YES!!!!!
crisis?
yes!!
fixed..?
Thank goodness..yes!
BUT,
boy, does a dead phone seem minor:)!
its all in the perspective!

10 months ago...today

ten months ago...
an anniversary I wish I did not remember
and yet one I will never forget...
10 months ago..I left...fled!
Its marks the anniversary
of the SCARIEST night
of my life!
The LONELIEST weekend
I have ever had!
and the BEST choice I
have made!

It was so scary for so many reasons..
as many woman in emotional scarring relationships
believe..
I thought I was alone!
I had been isolated...
and had protected..
and few knew the full scope..
I believed there was a good chance
that the person I was leaving would convince them..
would get them on his side...
I believed that I had to do it alone..
I believed all this because my situation was so typical!
it was text book...
but I had not read that chapter..
not then!
and so out of fear
I did what had to be done
with out asking for support
from those who loved me..
and who I now understand would have stood
by me...
and instead with the help of someone who knew nothing
but was willing to help ..just because...
I left my home..
I left my life....
I left my husband!
I left in fear!
and I left alone...

I wish I could tell you that I left my fear
behind..
but its not that simple!
I took the first step
but it was one of many...
and the events had yet to unfold..
I left with my most precious things..
and my pets...

no-one knew..
not my family
not my children...
although I knew they would support me..
they had been begging for this...
the toll was too great!
I was falling apart..
cracking from the outside in..
living with heartache is heavy and sad..
living with emotional torment
and being put down
and hurt..
and broken on a daily basis
is hell....truly....hell!

I knew I had to get out..
I knew there was no choice,
I knew nothing would change..
I knew it would get worse!

And yet, taking that step...
was the hardest thing I have ever done!!!
And then...
I was out..and alone!
I spent a weekend alone..
in a motel..
no money,
no phone,
no family,
no friends,
no one knew where I was
in my fear
I had hidden from all...
and it was the longest, darkest, loneliest weekend of my life..
and yet in the stillness, in the darkness...
I heard an amazing sound;
silence!
No phone ringing that had to be answered or else..
no yelling...
or threatening...
no bullying...
nothing!
The worst was over..
and it was bad!
There was nothing easy about it...
but it was over!
and I would do it again!

I believe for the rest of my life I will remember that night..
but I hope there will come a day
that I will not be able to tell you
exactly how many months AND days it has been...

For now..
the scars are there...
the damage was great..
the psychological ramifications extensive...
for now..each month I remember
and I remind my self
I never have to do that again!

NEVER again will I allow someone to yell at me and put me down..
never again will I allow someone to make me feel like less then I am...
NEVER again will I allow myself to be treated like an animal
and stalked like prey..
NEVER again will I compromise who I am
for someone else..
never again will I live in fear..
NEVER again will I choose another over myself or my children!

and this reminder
sustains me as the months pass..
and as the memory slowly fades
but the lessons stays strong and true..
never to be forgotten...

forgiveness

Its funny how forgiveness
is not one size fits all..
I am finding forgiving certain things
much harder then others..
and yet,
its not the things you would expect...

I think I have figured out why;
I have an easier time forgiving the expected hurt
over hurt I did not see coming..
no matter big or small..

I was able to forgive my first husband..
seemingly easily,
(although with a lot of heart ache attached!)
I knew he would hurt me one day..
we married young..
and I loved completely
but KNEW I was loving for both of us..
I knew he was not completely mine..
and I knew he would hurt me!
Strangely, I did not think he would leave me..
but I knew he would break my heart!
When he did..
it hurt..
it still hurts..
but, I forgave!
and even in the moments when I feel anger,
its not from a deep bitter place!

And yet my second husband..
I have struggled forgiving!
His hurt not as deep..
but it was unexpected!
He knew who he was..
I did not!
He was petty and mean
and it caught me off guard..
ultimately, He was nothing he portrayed..
and that seems harder to forgive..

and then one of my closest friends..
who chose to walk away from our friendship
rather then accepting me as I am now..
and understanding where I was then,...
has caused, in me, the same inability to forgive..
again, I trusted in the friendship and the acceptance
therefore the unexpected rejection hurts more so...

so, as I ponder this
and know forgiveness is not a choice...
its a must!
its not for others its for me...
and yet sometimes it seems
the bigger offenses seem easier to get past...
or maybe its that in some moments we have to forgive;
for the sake of our children...
so then we hold onto other hurts in their place..
maybe it all gets confused
and the hurt gets tumbled
and you think its about one
and yet deep down your heart does not know
who its angry with
just that it is...
just that its been hurt..
and its hard to let that go..

so you think on it...
and you make the choice..
and bit by bit by bit
you start to let it go...
moment by memory
until you have forgiven the big and the little
the expected and the surprises
and then you will be free!

taking my home and my heart back

I have lived in a small town most of my life..
I moved to this town when I was 12.
My dad was pastor of a large church..
I knew so many people..
this was MY home..
I met the man who stole my heart..
at 17.
This was our home..
our first date..
the church we were married in..
the home we had babies in..
our home town..
and then life fell apart
and it began to feel like his home..
I felt like an outsider
unsure of my place,
taking the step to move back here was a big one..
and yet it has turned out to be
the best step I could have taken,
Today, I was in' town'...
and as I walked by my ex husbands work
something that happens alot
as he works minutes from where I live..
it hit me that I no longer visit down town
because of him..
I no longer base my life on seeing him..
When I am in town
its no longer consumed with his heart and needs
or as part of the couple we were...
and yet I still am here, in this town..!
Because its where I belong!
Not as part of a couple..
but as a person..
a mother..
a woman..
this is MY town..
this is where I belong..
and it feels wonderful to be
exactly where I am.

How could I NOT be?

Tired?
how could I NOT be tired??
really, I am a single mom with 3 kids..
all preteens..
I work full time and go to school,
kids are in theater , boy scouts and girl scouts,
we have a home to clean (Thank the Good Lord)
and 2 dogs, 3 cats, 1 rabbit and 3 reptiles.
of course, I am tired!

Happy?
how could I NOT be happy?
I am a mom of 3 wonderful kids...
all growing up into amazing people!
I have a great job! I love where I work..
I love who I work with.
I get to go to school which will benefit my family and I.
My kids are able to participate in theater on a wonderful scholarship..
My older 2 love scouts!!
We have a little home that we love!
and we are blessed with so many animals
that add joy to our family!
of course, I am happy!

blog award:) and 7 things you don't know about me!

Thankyou To my friend, Becky at
http://beckyjoie.blogspot.com/2009/09/blog.html
I was so excited and honored! Becky is an amazing writer which makes the honor even more special!
So, now I get to nominate 7 fellow bloggers!

1) Sharks Bait Reef
http://sbreef.blogspot.com
interesting as well as fun blog to read!!

2) My friend Amy
http://oneblessedmamma.blogspot.com
I am always impressed with the way Amy writes! and her pictures are amazing!

3) My friend Breeze
http://breezedaze.blogspot.com
who writes the most amazing poetry!! and always touches my heart!

4) Ms Diane!! WHO I know gets LOAD of awards
http://dianesaddledramblings.blogspot.com
This is a funny, touching and inspiring blog!!

5)Funny, funny Sherri
http://matteroffactsite.blogspot.com
This blog is smart, interesting and so very, very funny!

6) single dad
http://singleparentdad.blogspot.com
This blog will touch your soul!

7) Ms sassy scribbles
http://sassyscribbles.blogspot.com
the name is great!:) and the topics informing with a mix of fun!!

Ok. Now I am supposed to write 7 things you might find interesting about me! (I will post the rules for the award below this!) hmmmmm..

1) I was born in Johannesburg, south Africa. I lived in Central Africa until I was 12.

2) My baby toe nails grow straight up the air! EEWW:)

3) I own a tortoise that is the 3rd largest species of tortoise in the world. One day he will reach 100 pounds! And he will be sleeping in a dog house in the back yard!:)

4) I don't kill anything, not even spiders!

5) I tend to wear long skirts and dresses, (modest) but I have a tattoo and want to get my belly button pierced for my birthday!

6) Being a mom was my greatest dream! And it is still the thing in my life that I take the most pride in.

7) I am a vegetarian..and love it!:) Don't miss meat AT all!

Here are the rules for the award (and I quote):

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.

schedule..schedule..schedule..

then scrap it!:)
so much of my life
is a balancing act!
learning what to keep and what to let go!
and sometimes what you let go
is not for always
just for now...
I have a schedule
and some of it matters!
School..work..bed..
but the in between..
I have a time line!
And I am learning,..
life is too short!
Do what you can,
and do it well..if you can!
BUT, let go what you don't have to do..
and accept that some things just won't be done as well!
Learn to shut drawers when needed
and shove it under the bed when necessary...
but also learn WHEN that phone call must be made,
dishes done..
and those drawers?? yup , they have their turn too...
learning to just be,
and learning to accept that I can only 'be' so much.
has truly been an 'enlightening' experience!