You know you need to get out more when....

your 3rd grade daughter says that a fellow classmate of hers, a boy she would not name,
said 'you (her mother) are hot!! '
and you say..........
" really?? who?? what did they say??"...
can you say GET A LIFE!! :)
ha ha!!

The funniest part is the response of my 3rd grader , to this un-named boy:
" you have got to be kidding me!!"...
boy, did that bring me down a few pegs!!!
She went on to tell me how she said to this boy who shan't be named..
"ooohhh ... you said my mother is hot and she is like THIRTY FIVE".
ok..so now I wish she had just kept the story to herself!! ;)

Actually the whole thing made me laugh..the joys of kids...and the memories being made that will never be forgotten!! ......

Altho, since I am , like, 'THIRTY FIVE' memory loss might actually be just around the corner.....

strange side effect of being single..

I was having drinks with a friend tonight...
rehashing the whole sordid story..
(we have been out of touch for , um, like 3 years..)
Anyway, i remembered something I promised myself I would never forget.
It was something i did not expect and was completely unprepared for
when finding myself single first go round...

and that was..
the way my 'married' friends treated me around their husbands.
As if..all of a sudden I would become a flirty, loose, throw myself at any breathing man; woman...
now, that i was no longer married!

If I wasn't so offended I would have laughed
and now I am not so offended so I do laugh.

I am not sure they meant to do it...
and certainly it was not all my friends...
but most certainly i was no longer ' as safe' as I was before....

Tonight i remembered and hope not to forget again...
because at the time I thought
" why didn't anyone warn me?"

I have always wondered if I had known more of what to expect..
would I have been better prepared?
or when you are thrown for a loop do you throw the manual out anyway??

I might never know for me...
but at least i might remember in case anyone ever asks.....

punched in the gut..

really it came out of nowhere...
today was not a good day....
and I so did not see it coming.

I have expressed alot about my first marraige..almost 15 years...3 kids...
devastating...

But there was another.
This one was MUCH shorter...
and this one I ran from...

so many days I feel the relief...
we were toxic to eachother,
I caused reactions that were hurtful and unfair
by the very action of being me....
sad but true..
incompatability in its most dangerous and volitaile form...
and I had to flee.

today, for the first time...
I was struck by the memories of when I did not know..
when I did not know what was to come...
when I did not know that we would be a deadly poison to eachother
when I believed ....
When i thought it would be OK...

That memory hit hard,
the memory of a moment when this person embodied all I hoped
he would be
and represented all I believed our future would hold.

My heart is broken...
not by a person
but by a dream
that will never be....
but seemed, for a moment, so real...

My definition of peace

3 Months ago my life changed once again
3 months can be a life time

As I look back on the lessons I have learnt
I realize that within the lessons were also moment of clarity
and opportunities for closure
and fresh starts...

as well, of course, looks back and tears shed.. and regrets pondered...

One of the most surreal aspects of this journey
has been the closure
not with the man from whom I ran..
but with the man who broke my heart
first go round...

Somehow it all became ok!
I cannot tell you how, or why...
I cannot give you the formula to the peace that has come...

But, I can tell you that when closure came and a new relationship formed,
when as parents we chose to partner completely
and walk beside eachother in this role..at least...
the burden of anger, bitterness, frustration, sadness and hurt..
was no longer mine to carry

I can no longer dwell in it, revel in it, hide behind it..
I no longer own it.
I let it go... I said goodbye to all the emotions of sadness..

and instead found that this man that I have known for 17 years...
can still be my friend, as I can be his,
and our children have learnt that they matter more to us then the past...

and closure has come.
and with the closure came my ability to truelly move past
and move on...
not with reluctance
but with completeness...
not with sadness
but with excitement..
not with regret
but with hope...

a different definition of family....
and a whole knew meaning to the word and reality of
peace!

Last look back...journal entries cont

January 21st 2007

So much to say...
The kids started school this week.
All I ever knew is no more.
I was a devoted wife....no more
I was a homeschooling mom....no more.
And soon the last aspect of my identity; stay at home mom...
will instead be 'working mom'.
It's all changed.
Sometime's its OK. I know the kids will be OK. And that I will be OK.
And sometimes I hurt beyond measure and miss my place in this world.

I miss knowing where my footsteps would fall-
Where I belonged,
Who I was!

I feel adrift.
I am not sure who I am any more.
I am in limbo - floating,
waiting for a wave
to wash me ashore and set me at the foot of my future!

____________________________________
Present;

I found my place in the world...
I found my identity
I found that where I am, surpasses where I have been.
I took a step towards the future...
I am not just OK...
I am excited about whats to come...........

ah ha moment...

I do alot of refecting..
in case my blog does not speak for its self! :)
Tonight I had a light bulb moment..
Heres what I realized!
Where I ended up these last few years came because I felt 'unworthy'..
not because of who I am..
but what I am....
a divorced women...
let me explain..
I come from generations of LONG marraiges, not always happy, but LONG!
My parents have been married, and happy, over 40 years..
my grandparents before them 50...
My aunts, uncles, cousins...all lifetimers!
I was the first in generations of family to get a divorce!!
Pretty big!
And I had been carrying the shame...
and I did not even know this....
I met someone who accepted that I was {gasp} a divorced mom...
I was GRATEFUL.... grateful that he would accept that..
like it was a deficiency...
Then he married me..
and no matter how bad it was..or how hurt I felt....
I felt unworthy!
and I accepted what I knew should not be...
I felt like my divorce was a handicap that others saw and had to overlook...
I was so shamed!
And until today I did not see that....
And until today I did not see that I NO LONGER feel that way!
I carry no shame,
not for the first divorce ...
or for the second...
I am a women..
with a past...
a past that defines me
and makes me who I am
and more of who I want to be...
I am a women who has hurts
and has lived through life and pain
and more importantly has overcome!
There is no shame in the lessons that life brings
when we face them in truth
and own our mistakes
and choose to walk forward
armed with knowledge
that will change our future!

Family

What defines a family?
It is the core group, the extended group?
it is what is or what we wish was?
Family for me is my kids!! and my parents! and my sisters!!
But its mostly my kids..
oh..and the dog!! He counts!!
For my kids...family is so often what they hope for versus what they have!
Tonight they decided we all need a vacation!
I am not always on the same page with my children!
There is that generational gap going on..
but in this I agree!!
Yes, we need a vacation!
So..they decide ...
A disney cruise!
Nice dream...
and they decide they will pay for it!
They also estimate it will cost about a million dollars!
Might take them until the summer to save up!:)
and then they say
"we will go as a family"
One says , what about....and mentions other family...
My son says
"No, just the four of us! Just our family!"
That was worth a million dollars!
He was not wistful, sad, resentful or angry!
He was accepting and excited about us...
our little family of four..
and the dream of 'our' one day vacation!

journal entries,cont...drowning...

December 11th, 2006

I'M DROWNIING!
Thats how it feels sometimes! I feel smothered and choked, tired and over it all-
The walls tightening, the roof caving in.
........Then it passes.......
But, this minute, RIGHT NOW , I am drowning-
Why now?
I think its the aftermath of a crazy few months, I think its the season thats breaking my heart, the reality of the finality coming so soon-
It's all hitting.
The knowledge that 'whats next' is just around the corner.
The sadness!
In church today I realized that my greatest fear was NOT loosing C____-
My greatest fear was C______ loosing ME!
I can handle my pain! I can handle the kids...not because it's OK, but because I can help them through it- But, I can't handle C___'s pain! It crushes me- breaks my heart- I am all he has/had!
When I think of him lonely my heart bleeds.
I have to remember I no longer own that pain! I have to remember I gave him to God. I have to let God love C______, and heal him and restore him.
This parts hurts....
the kids, their pain, his pain, my pain....
This part hurts....

December 25th, 2006 12:06 am

Well, Christmas eve is just ending-
Christmas day has begun-
and my heart is breaking.
Today has been one of the hardest days I remember.
I have cried so much-felt so sad-hurt so deeply-
And I hurt for C____, I hurt for what he has done and what he cannot see. I hurt for his pain- and the pain of our children.
I hurt to be apart- and i hurt to know that it has to be -
I hurt with my heart and soul-
Today was harder then I expected, sadder then I imagined-
and yet, Christmas eve is over- and God gave me the ability and strength to come through it-
I am here-it is gone

End of Decemeber 2006..

sometimes my heart is guarded from reality and often my heart is grateful at no longer being
hurt
But, now in this moment my heart is bewildered.
a part of itself gone- but, not belonging to another, instead that part was tossed away and now
lays discarded....
missing but unable to be found...
How did this happen?

---------------------------------------------
Today:

At some point I came up for air, realised that I was not drowning, just treading water in an area a little over my head!

I found a way out.

I found a way to let go of what was not in my control and for me that meant letting go of the love I felt for another!
It meant seeing reality as it was, not as I hoped it would be!
It meant finding solid ground to set my feet on....and it happened...
one day...one step at a time!

journal entries,cont...unexpected moments

A look back....

November-26th 2006

Unexpected moments.....
C____ trades in 'our' van, am I truelly sad? YES- it was a part of our history and it is one more link that is no more! One more symptom of moving on- One more step towards a future apart-
Who does this hurt more?
Sometimes I feel guilty- I feel guilty because all these steps mean its over. My heart says its over.... and yet the kids, the poor kids!!! They yearn for this to be a mistake! And I feel guilty! I feel guilty because for the first time, my children and I do not want the same things....
For the first time I don't want us to be a family again....
How can I explain that?
How do I explain a heart thats not broken but severed?
How can I explain forgiveness offered yet thrown back?
How can I explain that this hurts less....Loosing it all, hurts less then knowing I never had it all, nomatter how I tried!
Being with C____ but never really 'having' C_____- hurts more then loosing C____-
How do I explain that?
How do I explain suffocating in your pain?
How do I explain the clouds and shadows that follow rejection?
How do I expain the loniless you feel sleeping beside your life partner?.. How do I explain that I am less lonely sleeping alone in my bed, then sleeping beside a man who rejected all I was?
I can't explain-
I just move through it-
And I pray they never experience enough to truelly understand!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------
The hope in my story is, as you will learn as I share... The man who once hurt me is now my friend, and truelly my partner in parenthood! restoration happened... healing happened... growth happened! But the hurt also happened! It is now part of who I am.... it just no longer defines me!
There is hope... and when the journey backwards ends..the journey forward, with all the hope and healing it entails...will begin!

Don't make any sudden moves!!!!!

Some people say they have no regrets...
I am not one of those people!
I have regrets! They don't consume me. I learn from them. I move on from them.
But, they are there!
The greatest concentration of regrets in my life ,are in the time period following my first divorce!
Yes, there have been 2!
The first happened after nearly 15 years of marraige. In essense it 'happened' to me. I went kicking and screaming all the way. Protesting and rejecting the very idea, the very reality, the very circumstances that I found myself in. The other 'happened' after merely 13 months, when I chose to remove my children and I from a phsycholgically unsafe enviroment! A result of a sudden move...

But back to divorce number 1. This was the catalyst in my life. The journal entries I have included on my blog come from this devastating time! This was when my heart was broken and has truelly not yet recovered. But, during this time I made 'sudden' moves that i wish I had not.

Some , not because they were wrong, but because I am just not sure if they were right.

There are so many examples; one is that I got rid of all wedding pictures, jewelry, letters and mementos from the marraige. I wonder if I will regret it one day. ( and if I will, don't tell me... its too late.) At the time, and still now, my reasoning was that to look at wedding pictures of a couple who severed their marraige, is like looking at pictures of a person smiling hours before a tragic accident! You know how it ends!! However, I wish that I had waited to decide, when I was not in an emotional, reactionary state. This was an example of a sudden move....

As I speak to women who have been through this situation, and read some books, and get some help...I understand , to my core, why the suggestion about dating is too wait. I knew it then. But knowing it and understanding it are night and day. I knew it ...but knew better!

And for me this led to a deep regret!

When my marraige ended I ,like many I believe, felt I needed validation! I needed someone to tell me I was lovable, valuable, desirable...enough! Of course, (Then and now) I knew that our validation as christians is in Christ! I knew it.. but did not internalise it. In addition I NOW know like I know like I know that I must be enough for me!! That is starts there! BUT, I had been rejected by a man, therefore felt it would take a man's love to right the wrong done to my heart! Alas, this led to deeper brokeness and hurt then I could have imagined.

So here I am. And heres what i wish I had done, known, acted on or just listened too... then.

I choose now to define who I am before I try and define myself to another!
I choose now to establish my own identity and worth outside of the 'roles' in life that have always been mine.
I choose now to be alone because being alone is not the worst state of being...
I choose now to value the company I provide...even if its only for me!
I choose now to get to know myself before I get to know another...
I choose now to learn what true 'surrendering' to the Lord is!
I choose now life...a life that is mine!
....a life that is true .. a life that is honorable.. a life that is defined not my the role I play, the title I bear, or the letters before my name... a life that is defined instead by WHO I am.. and HOW I live! And to WHOM i give the glory!....

I choose to let go of then and instead live for now!

I am soooo not funny..but so glad others are!

I have so enjoyed reading the blogs of friends, and new friends and future friends..(and strangers, some who will probably remain that way!)LOL! I am amazed at the way people use this format to express who they are! And I am equally amazed at how funny and humorous so many of these 'bloggers' are! And I have come to realise;
I am so not funny!
And I am Ok with that!
I think my friends find me funny in my zaniness..I find life funny, I laugh alot at the dysfunctional reality I find myself in. My children make me laugh..and cry! I love funny movies and laugh at cute jokes..
But when i put pen to paper what comes out is so deep and raw!
So, in the moments I need lightness it will not be my blog I read...but it might be yours!!
So, glad to find so many sweet, light hearted, deep, moving and FUNNY writers willing to share their hearts and thoughts...and change the direction of my day!

Looking back..journal entries,continued

October 07th, 2006

I realized today , after a divorce or seperation it is not longer about shopping for pleasures- you shop for replacement. Panties never seen by ex, Pajamas never worn....
memories are in everything-
Life becomes about replacing the old- and looking for hope in the new!

October 30th,2006

Again-the loss is hitting hard-
The loss of C__- I love C__, I've lost C___!
the depth of that, the pain of that, the physical reality of that!
I did not know I could live without him- I thought it was physically impossible.
Now I grapple with not only loosing him, but realizing I never had him to begin with,
Sometimes my heart hurts so much
- the pain, the grief, the loss-


November 16th, 2006

More and more I accept the reality of what is. More and more I let go.
However, I face a new crisis; a new realization: I am a single mom! this is permanent! C__ is gone, forever!
The kids and I just got back from a disney cruise. It was neat and fun- and something I am so glad we did. and yet, I felt so alone. with No-one to share the moments with, no-one to share the fears.
I realized how alone being alone is. I was not lonely, I was alone-
thats what I grapple with- the enormity of doing this alone! The reality of being the disciplinarian, decision make, sole parent in daily ways. It's so big sometimes that if I let it, it would swallow me!

November 19th, 2006

As I look back over these past 2 months in my journal- what a journey so far.
I cry for the women whose heart breaks in these pages and yet i look in the mirror and know that she is okay-
She is strong and peaceful!
She is loved and she is safe-
She belongs to one who will never hurt her-
The women whose heart bleeds in these pages in being restored.
A whispered promise is being fulfilled-

There is hope...
She knows this!

Going back in time entry #1

As this blog is a journey of healing for me...and I pray one day it will be healing for others, I will be taking entries from my private journal written right after my divorce, 2 years ago and posting them on here! I believe that for me, going forward will require going back!...

October 07th, 2006

This journal will be random thoughts and emotions that make no sense. Today I feel like divorce is the huge bubble floating above me. To big to hold in my hand, to big to ignore. All the memories good and bad, float in this bubble. Always there-never able to catch or hold onto-
This is so big!
The depth of the pain is physical. My chest is heavy as if my heart is swollen and takes more space. My heart, literally, aches. I try and grasp the fact that what was ; is no more and it eludes me.
Something is missing, something I need but can't quite remember why or what for- leaving the house with the wrong shoes or no jacket. You function but somethings not right!
I am no longer whole- I ache and hurt-
That is what my day has been-
Floating bubbles with thoughts and memories just out of reach- always there but never close enough to grasp-
The pain is great!
--------------------------------------------------
02-14-09
the pain was so raw...I have come so far but I never want to forget...because in our pain comes great lessons and even greater opportunity!

Valentines day single...is that sooo bad??

Yep! Single, alone, solo on Valentines day!! In the words of Steve Urkel (really aging myself here.) "is that SOOOO wrong?" and the answer, in my words now not Urkels, is no!
Its really not so bad!
This year, for the first time in years I have been able to look at the holiday without expectations or hopes! I am not hoping for a kodak moment or for him to 'go to Jareds'. Instead, I am looking at my children with an understanding that I may not have a valentine in the Hallmark card sense of the word; but I am not in any way alone! I am loved and love more then I could have dreamed possible.
When I wake up on valentines day , it will be to a surprise purchased, 'supposedly' without my knowledge, at a garage sale . Bought with saved up pennies and wrapped in a dolls blanket! and do you know, I can't wait! I have never anticipated a valentines day more....
God is so good!!
To all my friends, Happy valentines day! You are loved!

The mommy wars!!

I am so tired...but for 2 days something has been on my mind..the age old war between working moms and stay at home moms! Which is really the harder job?? and you know what I now know????? BOTH!!!!!
I was a stay at home (homeschooling) mom for 11 years! I loved it but I got so stressed out sometimes! I knew that being home all day with my children had to be the hardest, albeit, most fulfilling thing I had ever done! Even Oprah agrees!! (OK ignore that!:) ) Then I went to work outside the home! I remembered fondly my days of cuddling on the couch, the freedom of my schedule, the relaxed pace of my days.....until I had 2 days at home with the kids, due to illness! MY house was a WRECK. I had to make several meals, do dishes several times, maintain order in the midst of forts being built, puzzles put together and crayons strewn throughout out the house..and I remembered what it was really like!! YES, there were wonderful moments but also really hard ones! And the same goes for my new role as working mom. YES , when I leave the house it will be in the same state when I return! I am only home for 2 meals a day, much less dishes. The afternoons do not leave as much free time to completely demolish the house, and my work brings me in contact with people and gives me the opportunity to make new friends and be someone other then mom. BUT my pace is frantic. We are all up and out the door early in the morning. After a day at work, I now must find time to do all the things that maintaining a home requires! Getting the kids ready for their next school day takes a good portion of the afternoon. Preparing for my work day takes time also, and of course, there is always the wish that I had more time with my children!.. So its hectic and hard! But it is also rewarding in its own way!
So what I have learnt is that so much time is spent comparing the different roles mothers have! And yet at there core both are draining, both are rewarding and underneath the role we are all part of the same journey with the same hearts for our children, the same hurts and fears! We might live out our lives differently on the surface but isn't it whats beneath the surface that counts?
If we could walk a mile in each others shoes..we may come away with a renewed respect! We may also come away deeply grateful for the life we lead, whichever role that is!

How I got here

It is impossible to explain where I am without another look at how I got here! While 2 plus years later I am in a much healthier place! The hurt of that 'initial' entrance into this single world is still so easy to recall!
There are 2 very vivid recollections about the days following the final break up of my marraige!
the first was the feeling of speaking in bubbles! It was like living in a comic book. In front of me were conversation bubbles of all my memories, thoughts , feelings, confusions and fears. They dangled in front of my eyes at all times but when I reached out to grab them they popped...just like a bubble.
The other vivid feeling, was the constant feeling that I had left something behind or forgotten something. It was a phantom pain, that involved not a limb but a relationship! Now as I understand a little more about the process of divorce and the emotions involved, I describe it this way; When you are married you become one in a very real sense. When you divorce a very real 'tearing apart' happens. There is no way for the break to be clean. Its like papers glued together, when you rip it apart there will fragments of the other paper left on each piece. Thats what it was. I was fragmented. The break had taken parts of me away, and left parts of someone else behind. The hope in this is that while the pain and hurt was very , very real; The healing will come. As with any wound , in time the hole will begin to close. You will absorb those foreign 'agents', those fragments that belong to another, into your skin, your body, your heart. They will always be part of you, but in time they will belong to you in a way that feels natural and no longer causes the ache and the pain that cripples you in the beginning!
I will never forget the brokeness and the pain I felt in those early sorrowful days! BUT I can honestly remember back now with objectivity! When I see her ( the memory of my hurting self) I feel emphathy and sadness for her pain! BUT I know there is hope! I know she will survive! I know she will overcome. SO I can remember, but I no longer live the memory! Now I live the present! With victory!

Why this ? Why now?

I love to journal and have thought often about writing a book! Then it hit me...I can blog! Whoo hoo!! so here I am. My story is the same as most...except so different then some!
My life has many curves and yet my direction is still straight ahead.
As a little girl I knew what I would be when i grew up! I would be Lucy On Dallas. (am I aging myself??) I wanted to marry young, have lots of babies and live happily ever after! Well, i did 2 out of the 3! My story did not have the typical 'happily ever after'. Does anyones?? I am not sure! BUT, my happily ever after is still out there! Just not in the form I expected!
So this blog will be my journey! As a single women. And as a single mom!
It will be a journey of forgiving the past while never forgetting the lessons. A journey of embracing the future with open but more realistic arms!
I never thought I would walk this path, but here I am! and there is no better way to remember where I have come from and where I am going....then to write it down!