I wonder about letting go..
I feel that I have..
and yet I realize that its not complete..
I have let go of my hope of reconciliation..
in fact I have accepted this is better!
But, what I have not let go of yet,
is the lack of understanding as to why this is better??
When I imagine what a divorce does..
I see it this way!
When you marry
its like a blue sheet of paper being glued right on top
of a pink sheet of paper..
during your marriage the glue dries
and you are two sides of one sheet..
one side blue, one side pink,
Then you divorce,
you rip the sheets of paper apart,
but you cannot make a clean break.
The blue sheet has little pieces of pink paper remaining on it,.
the pink sheet has little blue bits of paper remaining on it...
eventually each sheet absorbs the foreign 'paper'
and you can no longer tell whats pink and whats blue..
but what you know is that neither sheet of paper will ever look like it did before...
and so, after 16 years together..
some of the pieces are still there.
and sometimes I wonder
at what it should have been!
NOT at what it was or what it is now..
but what was meant instead..
BUT, where that leads me
is not to the past..
but to the future..
is it possible
that what was meant to be is still out there?
that fairy tales exist?
or at the very least
a relationship of equals..
where love is paired with like..
where respect is paired with desire.
where commonalities are paired with differences.
where hurt is paired with grace.
where forever is a real possibility???......
the pieces still left remind me of what was not..
and what maybe one day shall be!
Debbie dear, I am reading the earlier post which I had missed and we seem to share the same hurt and issues,and glad there was comfort from Steve. So the Letting Go bit was my answer to what I had just posted.
ReplyDeleteSo I guess this was my first year, it will take 4-5 years to stablilize my thoughts and feelings Hiaz. Hugs and Peace.
Debbie, what a beautiful analogy! I love how you can capture things with profound words. Anyone who has been through a divorce could relate to this post.
ReplyDeleteDo fairy tales exist? I'm not qualified to answer that question although no doubt some people could.
Yes. Absolutely profound and so true. I sense..something...I'm intuitive and I feel someone for you...someone you already know perhaps, someone with character and kindness that you haven't really considered....I don't know why but suddenly I know that someone is nearby for you.
ReplyDeleteSorry this post digressed...I just felt that so strongly I had to type it.
Can't shake the feeling though but it's a good thing right?
Breeze
Great analogy Debbie. I sometimes wish those little pieces of blue and pink didn't remain, but I suppose that if they didn't, it would be hard to share a child. Trying to get to a point of neutrality but gratitude with the Ex over the child is tough. I hope it happens soon for me as well. It would be nice to have clear thoughts on it most of the time. I do feel that this way is better though. While I'm sad or frustrated sometimes, I'm not preoccupied with resentment or disappointment over my Ex while with my daughter any more. She get 100% of me now which is what she deserves.
ReplyDelete