then and now...

tomorrow night is new years eve..
I plan on celebrating in my Pajamas..
with my three kids!
They are anticipating with excitement
their first time seeing 'the ball drop'..
I am sure they will be hopelessly dissapointed!:)
however, we will do fireworks,
and have a grape juice toast at midnight...
and something yummy for dinner!

I can't prepare for This new years eve,
without thinking back to the start of 2009.
to be honest I was in such a broken place
I cannot recall last new years eve..at all!
BUT, I do remember .....
I was filled with fear!
fear of the marriage I had run from,
fear of the future,
fear as I faced providing for my children,
fear as I faced finding a job for the first time in 12 years,
fear as I faced the 'what will people think' of a SECOND divorce,
fear as I had no home, where would I go?
The whole future was a dark , empty page.

Now as I look back on 2009
I can honestly say;
it has been one of the longest years of my life..
a lifetime seemed to pass in a year!
and yet,
the marriage ended...and I was OK!
the future arrived..and I was OK!
I am providing for my children..and we are OK!
I found a job I love..and I am OK!
People have accepted me, not judged me...and I am OK!
I have a place to live... My children and I and our mini-zoo are OK!!

The future was dark..
and yet as I look back on this year
there is more light then darkness.
The pages are no longer empty, they are full..
and what they say is ;
Life is hard in moments..
and soft in others!
Love hurts us to the core,
but it also saves us like nothing else can.
fear is real..
but fear can be overcome.
I am stronger and healthier because of all that happened in 2009!
I am ready to face 2010..
and it does not look dark and empty..
it is bright and welcoming,
saying;
just wait..what a year this shall be!