definition or direction

Does our past define us?
or does our past direct us?

The choice is ours!

Recently a friend who will soon
be in a place to counsel others,
shared her hurt!
she said to me ;
"how do I tell others to trust their spouse,
based on what I know can be?".
My response?
"You don't tell them to trust their spouse,
you tell them to trust themselves."

As I spoke the words
it resonated within me.
Often our hurts
are not only about the other person,
their choices and behavior.
Instead they are a reflection of us.
Did we accept the unacceptable?
Did we deny the reality?
Did we push the inevitable?
And did we trust what we knew to be?

If we trust ourselves,
we leave when we know we must!
we stay when we know we should.
we love because we believe in it,
and we trust because we choose too.
We know that what happens to us
will only be what we allow
and we accept that we are strong enough,
to make hard decisions if we have to.

The first step in learning to trust again...
starts within us!
When we trust our own intuition
and our motives
and convictions..
we can then trust another,
because we know that no matter what
THEY do with the trust we give them,
we will be OK!!...

I trust ME because to move forward;
I must!
I trust YOU because to move forward;
I can!

The ex-factor

one of my favorite readers coined that phrase..
and it made me think..
they are a factor in your life!
They are not just a person
you once knew.

I know that for many this subject is touchy.
There is no way that one person
can make a GOOD co-parenting relationship alone.
I do think one person can make good choices,
and there by influence the tone of the relationship.
BUT, that's probably as much as one can do alone.
I know many men and woman that were put through
the ringer by their ex...
I know many who were abandoned on every level there is.

But, then there is the rest of us.
Those that were hurt or betrayed or rejected or broken...
Those that knew it was over,
and those that fought until the end.
Those whose hearts still bear the scars,
and those whose conscience carries the burden.

We all loved and we all lost!
But, whats next?

I will share that when my marriage ended,
in my heart it ended too.
I knew I had to move on
and decide what the future would look like.
From the beginning I did not loose sight
of the fact,
that we share children!
I made mistakes..
and my greatest mistake came
in allowing another to dictate my relationship
with my children's father.
My ex- he has made mistakes too..

BUT, we always come back to this;
We married for a reason.
We loved each other once.
We like each other still.
We are not good together.
We have both moved on.
We have each accepted that we played a role.
We have each asked the other for forgiveness.
AND We have determined who we are now!
NOW we are co-parents!
We do not always agree.
We are, however, trying to hear each other out more.
We are trying to accept what many married couples fail to do;
we are different people with different ideals.
We do not put each other down in front of the kids
or to each other!
We have decided that As much as possible,
(OLD hurts still crop up sometimes)
the past shall remain where it belongs.

Why? why all this work and self reflection?
why swallow hurts on both parts?
why see beyond the history to the heart?

Because we have 3 amazing children.
We shall know each other forever.
We shall sit at ball games and graduations.
We shall visit our children at the birth's of their babies.
We shall share family moments
God willing for a very long time.
So we choose now what that shall look like.
Our children know we do things differently!
Their worlds are not perfect reflections of each other!
Their hearts were hurt and souls damaged.
They will have baggage due to choices beyond their control
BUT they don't have to deal with OUR baggage..
they have enough of their own to juggle!

And, in the end
what remains?
Its not a love story!
neither, is it a nightmare.
We have found out what is left;
when the vows are no longer.
We have chosen that for us
that will be 2 people
there for one another when needed..
raising children together..

there are no games
or battles over turf.
We don't sweat the small stuff
because we know..
there is always big stuff to come.
That's the nature of the broken present.
But, when battles come we have laid the foundation;
and the hope is, it will be faced as smoothly
and dealt with, with as much grace
as the things that have now become
second nature to us all.

Its not what I dreamed my future would be,
BUT, its the next best way the dream could have ended.

my greatest strength..and biggest weakness..

My openess comes up a lot..
I tend to live my life OUT LOUD!.
I share what I feel,
and hide little when it comes to emotions,
beliefs and even actions..
Some times this is too much.
I give away my heart through the very virtue
of sharing its secrets...

Lately I have pondered why.
I understand not everyone does this..
But, why do I?

I think its this;
if I tell you that I am disorganized in a very structured way,
that I never kill ANYTHING
and will stop for ANYTHING crossing the road,
and normally get out and help it across.
I have never seen a hungry animal and not fed it...
I have never passed a hungry person and not given them food either..
If I tell you,
I am passionate to a fault about things I believe in,
and protective to an extreme of those I love.
If I tell you I don't eat meat
and I know the chickens that lay the eggs I do eat,
If I tell you that I know more about 60's and 70's music
then anything on the radio today..
If I tell you that if I could have done it over
I would have joined the peace corp,
If I tell you I love long skirts and my hair in a pony tail
more then getting glamourous.
If I tell you being called 'enduring' means more to me then being called
beautiful.
If I tell you I am a hippie wannabe
and would love to travel the country in a VW van with flowers painted
on the side....;)
If I tell you that the only 'hippie' belief I do not adhere too is free love..
that I am strong in my beliefs about intimacy...and commitment!
If I tell you that I made a huge mistake after my heart was broken,
and its my greatest regret but also greatest lesson,
If I tell you that I used to define myself by my roles,
now I define myself by my heart.
If I tell you I don't like to cook
and only clean because I must.
If I tell you I am content with little
and do not desire much more...
If I tell you what my soul looks like,
the good , the sad, and the ugly..
I give you the power to reject me UP front!
I would rather you chose to not befriend me,
then tell me you love me,
or want to be a part of my life and circle of friends;
because you THINK you can make me
more organised,
less quirky,
more fashionable,
less unaffected by trends,
more ambitious,
less family oriented,
more aware of the world and its faults,
less naive.
more like you or the world,
less like me.

I am unashamedly who I am.
And when I share that I am not perfect;
I sometimes yell at my kids, I hate it, but some times I do,
I often run out of laundry and rarely fold it these days!
I am scared of the dark and still check all the locks often
when I am alone.
I am strong because I have to be..
but I liked having someone love me and want to protect me.
I have many faults..
I talk too much,
I share too openly,
I am very laid back UNTIL I am not!
I am strong willed in few things..
but in those things I am a force to be reckoned with.
I am allergic to perfectionism..
but I believe in excellence.
I can't play relationship games.
It is or it is not.
I am almost always late,
and get lost going everywhere!
But, when I tell you this,
I give you the power...
I take a chance..
and its worth the risk.
Know me now,
accept me as is..
or not!

This is why I give my heart so freely.
I would rather it was given back complete,
then kept under false pretenses
and returned to me broken and battered.

So when I share,
I risk!
I give!
I turn over my secrets and fears!
I give away my longings and hopes!
But, in return I recieve either rejection;
OR complete acceptance
for who I am..
no pretense or games..
no worries or wondering...
life for me is better lived
out loud!

solace in solitude..

I am learning..
time alone
is not something I must adjust to,
instead it is something I need to function.

I have learned to be alone
when I have things to do..
movies, vacations, flea markets..
But, now I am learning to be alone
when its not fun.
when its not easy.
when it hurts.

Most of my life I
have turned to someone
that loves me
when I am sad..

I liked to talk it through
and needed to hear it would be OK.
I found comfort in company.

I have slowly learned to grieve alone.
There may come a day
that there will be someone
in my life to grieve with..
but in this season
I must face these moments in my solitude.

And in facing these moments
I find strength.
I find also find the ability
to reach out to others..
the alone must happen first..
then comes the company
the sharing of the burden..
the knowing I have support.

This weekend
I took the time to be alone..
I am stronger then I have been
since learning of the job loss.
The key was facing it with no words but mine,
no thoughts but those within my heart,
no voices but my Lord,
no outside distractions
or conflicting motives.

Just me.
Just God.
Just real.
Just healing.
Just right!

The shoes..the shovel...time to dig my way out.

Today,

I started a new hobby.

It is something I have wanted to do for a while...

And something I had begun

to think

was just not possible,

no time!

In my yard

I have a small screened greenhouse.

It has become a place to put displaced items.

It has been my desire to grow a vegetable garden,

but I knew it would take work.

This seemed to be the week to do it.

So much around me is beyond my control.

My depression over my job

has begun to lift,

but my control over when or how

I find another one

is non-existant.

This is something I can do.

Not only can I see the progress,

but I can use the results to care for my family.

Clearing the green house was hard work,

planting the seeds will be tedious,

caring for and protecting the plants time consuming...

But, its mine.

Mine to do,

Mine to choose,

Mine to moniter,

Mine to learn...

In a week of changes and challenges,

This was a welcome moment

to dig in,

dig deep,
and move beyond the junk.

support provides the purpose..

My heart is heavy,
another loss is hard to face.
I was very down..
and I felt like I might be there a while...

I also know the process has just begun!

BUT the words expressed on my blog comments,
the words a friend expressed on her blog..
http://dianesaddledramblings.blogspot.com
The support from friends I know...
the love of my family,
the comfort provided from those I know well
and those I have never met,
has been a balm for my soul.

I live out loud,
and its moments like this
that I am deeply grateful that I do!
Sharing my heart
puts me in a great place
to recieve
when those around me
share their heart back.

The human spirit is an amazing thing..
its touching in its hurt,
its compassionate in its purpose,
its deep and connecting when it senses a need.

So thankful for all the amazing humans
I have the blessing to know.

The sad news I recieved Monday..

I am writing this on Monday night
but I won't be posting it for a few days...

My life has been tumbled around
once again...
I had a job I loved.
Doing something I was good at..
with co-workers I liked..
and children I adored!

Today I found out
that I no longer have a job!
The school I work at
has taken a blow
due to the economy we are all trying to survive in..
and is closing!

I am heart broken.
I know it will be OK!
I have faith that God has a plan!
I am not yet in a place of panic,
I am just in a place of sadness.

I am sad about loosing a part of my life..
I liked going to work with people I liked.
I liked being part of a small family.
I liked the parents of my little ones..
and I loved my little ones.
I had put some time into my job
and had shown my heart and dedication.
I was not just starting...
and now I shall be again.
That makes me sad.
I am sad about the feeling of loss..
I am sad about the loss of what I knew..
I am sad about this night
and being alone to hurt and cry!

I know this sadness will pass.
I also know I have overcome alot..
18 months ago,
I was fleeing my hell
without any sort of back up plan or education.
I was coming back to estranged friends,
and far a way family.
I was distant from the children's father,
I had no place to live
and did not know where I would go.
NOW I have some education.
I have many friends..
and the continued support of family.
The children's father and I
co-parent.
We have a place to live.
I am not alone.

This is a bump...
in a road that has had many hills
and valleys..
But, it is a bump I would have prefered to live without!
it is a journey I now embark on..
as a single, unemployed mom..
that I would have rather not lived
my own version of...!
It has shaken up my comfort,
and re-reminded me
that nothing is for sure.

It has also motivated me.

College cannot wait any longer...

Time to quit being comfortable
and start moving forward...
Good shall come,
it always does.
But before the good comes the tears..
so for now,
I shed tears..
and soon I shall see the good
that I believe in my core;
is yet to come!

too much to not say...

What a week this has been..
some of my week I cannot yet share.
I must tell you
that this is so hard for me.
I live out loud to a fault,
so to have a burden and carry it
without words
almost breaks me!
But, for now it must be..

But, this one difficult part of my week
has been compounded.
In details THAT must be attended to NOW..
In all the thoughts in my head swirling,
In a combination
of things that must be done
and things that can't be said.

Then tonight,
a small crisis
became a devastating pit fall.
My car, once again, died on me.
Maybe something small like a battery..
maybe not.
The timing was not good..
it caused me to miss an obligation.
The emotional journey it took me on
was one that was heavy and made me feel
at the end of my rope.
For a moment it all felt too much.

I got a ride home..
I sat on my porch
and I sobbed..
and sobbed.
I wondered why..
am I doing something wrong?
I try,
I am not perfect,
but I try.
Why does it seem that life is caving in on me?
I had that broken moment
in which there was no stopping the tears.

My daughter came outside..
I rarely let my children see me cry.
I express sadness
and I let them know we all cry,
but, I try and save them from fear
by not breaking in front of them..
but today I could not stop sobbing.
My child sat beside me
and in a moment I will never forget,
she put her arms around me,
her head on my shoulder,
and in a voice I use with them said;
"shhh..its OK.it's going to be OK".
and she held me.
for just a moment roles reversed.
and for just a moment she comforted me.
for that moment I was reminded how not alone I am.

I took a breath...
and told her
yes, it was OK.
I am stressed but thats just a feeling..
not an indication of doom..
I hugged her,
I smiled!

and life began to pick up.
My children's father brought me his car.
(once again I am blessed that we have moved beyond
the hurt and become parent partners in life.)
The lady whose home my car is at,
called to say her dad was checking it out..
who knows what will happen..
or how bad this is.

BUT, its the moments that we feel like its too much
that we are reminded WHY?
why we keep going when we want to quit!
why we keep pushing when we hit the wall.
why its all worth it,
when the children we love..love us back.

Its dark..
but there will be light!
Morning is coming,
and with a new day
comes a new chance for blessings
But, when all is said and done,
there are some times in life
you just have to get through..
this is one of those weeks.
I need to give myself permission
to just feel all that I am feeling,
the good , the bad and all the things in between.

strength to move mountains..or just carpets!

Some times,
the most frustating part of being 'just me'
is when something BIG needs doing
and I am not sure how to tackle it!

Sometimes I wait,
Sometimes I try anyway..
and Sometimes I find myself in over my head,
but giving up is not an option!

I had that moment today...
I decided on a whim
it was time to move the carpet
OFF the back porch!
its a large porch
and the carpet was glued down.
It had been here since we moved in
and it was dirty...
So..I decided I would pull it up.
I moved the furniture as I went..
the porch has corners and odd shapes,
and I rolled as best I could
moving at angles..
and then I reached the end.
I now needed to get this LARGE bulky,heavy carpet
off the porch!

My strength was GONE!
I called my kids
and they did their best!
they really did!

BUT it required me lifting this thing
that weighs much more then me
UP while they pulled it out the door!
My muscles were shaking,
sweat was pouring..
but giving up could not happen.

In that moment it is not about the carpet,
it is about the fact that saying I can't
is admitting something bigger then me.
I wish I did not have to lift heavy things..
and I wish I did not have to move carpets..
and climb ladders!

BUT, I am learning
that the more I know how to do,
the less I have to wait for help for,
the more empowered and less helpless I feel!

Its not always about what you WANT to do..
its often about what you CAN!

old habits...new hobbies

so...
I toyed with the idea of on line dating
again.
This is a bit crazy for me
as I did not go so well the first time around.
BUT, I feel 'ready' to move on,
and decided I was not going to meet anyone
while sitting on my couch on a Friday night.
UNLESS it was online, that is.

it was a failed experiment!

:) The idea lasted about a week
and EVERY single communication
was deleted...
so, I am either NOT cut out for this form of dating,
or not ready..
or both!

BUT, instead
I have been inspired to continue
the journey of finding me.
I have a new friend..
she is a kindred spirit..
she has more bizarre animals then I do:)..
she works full time
and has kids..
she has a plateFUL.
and yet she finds time for things I desire...
she has a green house,
she has chickens,
she grows spouts,
and juices.
She is 'me' in my heart and mind!:)
and being with her reminded me
that yes, life is a bit different..
and certainly I have a bit more to do..
but I can still follow my heart in areas
that matter!!

And so, instead of dating
I pick GARDENING!:)
I am very excited about my new project...
and more then the project
I am excited about finding the 'me'
that belonged in my old life.
Redefining the 'me'
who thought she was kicked out when work
moved in..

There should be balance..
there should be boundaries..
but there should not be limitations!

I feel like some of those 'walls'
have been removed.
I have been given the 'freedom'
to be as earthy as I want,
no matter what my life's duties entail..

It was a good day..:)
an inspiring day...

life....is ...well..life!

It still amazes
me
that I am at a place in my life
that what I do
impacts my children's very well being
and welfare
in every way there is.
For so many years,
I trusted another to provide
while I got to be a mom.
Now I am a mom!
Now I provide!
and sometimes one supersedes the other,
and sometimes they balance each other..
but, both are now vital roles.
And either role being threatened
would leave me
equally stressed and on edge.

A single moms life.
Often knowing
its on you!
Often feeling
your choices are limited
to the needs of your children!
Often feeling the pressure
of wanting to be it all,
and the fear that some how you
won't be.
In a volatile economic climate
we are all feeling it..
BUT, I will admit
that it seems to take on
a whole other side
when you are in it..
well, as just you!

Good, bad, happy ,sad..
This burden,
This weight,
This responsibility
is never far from a single moms heart..
even when she smiles
beneath the smile
lies the knowledge
that the turn life took,
requires strength her smile will never fully convey!

Incredibly impacting

I don't blog specifics about my faith often,
I have shared that it is a part of my core..
and the key to where I am and who I am.
BUT, heart break is universal
and I have blogged the hurt
knowing that those of all faiths hurt too...

However,
something happened in church today
that was VERY specific to my faith..
it reached me to my very inner being
that part of my soul
buried so deep I sometimes forget its there.

Proverbs 31 is found in the bible..
Its speaks of a woman of noble character
being worth more then rubies..
it speaks of her children and husband
calling her blessed.
In speaks of her husband being respected
because of her.

As a wife
this was my desire.
For years I have been carrying
this failure in my heart.
My husband did not call me blessed.
In fact he chose another life
that did not include me.
I had tried to be all
that this proverb entailed..
I read books on it,
did bible studies on it..
and YET I failed so thoroughly..
or at least I carried that thought in my heart!

Today when the preacher spoke of the husband,
being respected because of the wife..
a HUGE epiphany hit me!!
Many times people have mentioned
my love and devotion to my husband..
some thought we were the perfect couple,
some knew truth I did not
and did not understand...
MANY have spoken to the fact
that my complete loyalty and respect
for the man that I loved
was so evident..
Those who knew what I did not
wondered if I was 'faking',
those who did not know
where shocked when we were no more.
AS I remembered this..
and this truth was spoken out loud in my heart..
I realized I did not fail!!!
It was not about me!
IT was about us!
His feelings of needing space
were valid...
The miss fit of who we were; real.
BUT, my desire to be a wife
who honored and respected..
to the degree that others
respected my husband,
because of the role I played in his life...
I did that!
I loved and I honored!
I did the best I knew
with all my heart!
And I finally let go of the weight
of this failure...
I began to cry,
I cried from my soul
the hurt so deep and raw..
the guilt so strong and consuming!
and still in this moment
the tears are sitting
waiting to fall!

What an amazing gift.
The gift of knowing
that the guilt you carry
is not yours!
The gift of knowing
that the memories
and moments you tried so hard to make,
were all they were meant to be!!

The tears are no longer of the sadness of loss..
but the complete openness my heart
experienced in that moment
of letting go
of not being enough!
and accepting that , once as a wife,
and now as a mother..
I am doing all I can
with all I have!
and that...
well, that's enough!!

How we are defined

Mothers day!
A day to celebrate-
A day to be celebrated...
and a time to reflect.

When I reflect on mothers,
The first mother that comes to mind
is mine.
My mom was calm and mild.
She was not the one who talked through dinner
(that was me)
nor did she tell jokes
or funny stories.
Instead she was patient
and tolerant.
She was the one who always went without
so we could have what we needed
or even wanted.
She kept the home clean
and yet never asked for thanks.
She drove us to ball games, and practices
and stores..
and I never thought any thing of it,
until I had my own kids..
she never complained!
She was there to listen when I was sad,
she still is..
and always ready to cheer me on
when life was good.
She knows all my favorite things,
she never forgets a birthday..
she is the glue that dries unseen,
and yet everything would fall apart
it it was not there.
I love my mother!
I honor my mother!
I want to be more like my mother...

This mothers day
I hope that as I reflect
I will see where I once was,
accept where I now am..
and some how find the strength and answers
to still be the mother
I deeply desire to be,
in spite of the changes
and pulls on my time and attention.


This mothers day
I want to be inspired.
So to all the inspiring mothers out there
ESPECIALLY my own;
Happy Mothers Day!

our celebration...

I wanted to do something special..
My son is a teenager,
and the side effect of that
is that I am the mother of a teenager.
Something that those who know me well
know I am struggling to comprehend..:).

I planned a mini-vacation with the kids.
I jumped through hoops to make it happen,
sold a few things..
volunteered several hours to earn tickets
to a theme park,
got a sub at work..

and finally the time is here.

Small..but fun..
a few nights in a hotel,
a day at a Disney theme park.

So much has stood out to me these few days...

I still notice the absence of another,
but I no longer fear being alone.
I notice couples
and miss the connection,
but I like calling the shots.
While I am aware of the missing hand to hold,
its no longer like a phantom pain..
a limb that is missing.
Instead it is just what it is!
No more! No less!

There are some things I just forget to do..
things that for half my life someone else
was there to do for me...
I paid no attention to where we parked.
Not a big deal in Wal-Mart,
but at Disney??
well a bigger deal..
Thankfully my son does notice those things,
and when I in a panic
at the end of the day
wondered out loud exactly
where we were supposed to get off the tram...
He knew! PHEW!!
I did not get directions back to the hotel,
and I have NO sense of direction
and a very temperamental GPS.
But, we found it..eventually!!
Those things were minor glitches
and on the whole the time has been good.
Tiring in some aspects..
but, good nonetheless!

There were surreal moments..
as I was standing in line with my 3 kids
waiting for tickets..
behind me was a family with 3 children
staggered in age like mine..
but about 5 years behind.
AND we were BOTH saying the same things;
"be nice to your brother"
"stay off the ropes"
"don't fight"..
It made me smile out loud!

Life..is such a circle
and we keep coming back to the same
station...
each stop
finds us older,
some times wiser,
often more frazzled..
and then we go around again
until the next stop
in the same place
just different circumstances!

So glad to have these times
with my children.
I work hard for them now.
I don't take them for granted.
BUT, no matter what it took
I would happily do it again!

My first complete love..

My son,
My first born...
the First love I had
that was based on nothing
but the moment of your entering the world.

I loved you from the moment I knew you were coming,
and when you breathed your first breath
you made me who I was always meant to be;
a mother.

My love..
I am so proud of who you are.
I am proud of your convictions..
the very things that make you stubborn
and impossible to sway,
also make you a young man of character
and integrity.

My first born,
before you,
there was me
waiting for you.
I knew my calling was to be a woman
who loved her children with her whole being.
When you arrived,
the pinnacle of my deepest desire was achieved.
There has never been a moment
I have regreted my calling
or wished for a different lot in life.

I wish I could give more,
be more,
do more.
I know you have been hurt by life,
I know you world was turned upside down.
I would give my very breath
to change that!
I cannot...
I can only let you know
that I am here.
I am human,
I am fallable,
I will let you down..
but, I will never stop loving you.
I will always accept you for who you are;
My out of sync YET
beautifully in tune child.

My heart beat is yours,
and as this next season of life knocks on our door..
life might change a bit,
sometimes you might wish I handled things differently,
sometimes I might feel the same about you!

BUT, my son..
I am learning too.
I am growing beside you,
guiding you
while letting the Lord guide me.

If love is enough
you have a lifetime of love stored in my heart.
If belief is enough
you can change the world.
If hope is enough
you shall move mountains.
If my pride in you makes a difference
Then son, there is no door not open to you.
ALL these things and more
are stored within my heart
and belong to you.

You are unique
and You are meant to do great things..
You are meant to be exactly where you are
and You alone are made for a purpose only God knows.

I am here to watch, and pray..
encourage..and once in a while to catch you when you stumble.

My hand is always reaching,
My heart forever open.
I love you-
Happy 13th Birthday.

Melancholy May

I am more melancholy this month
than normal..
this is not usual for me..
But from the first day of May
I felt like something was looming...
as I have reflected,
I think its all the 'events' that May has held.

The first comes soon..
this will be its own blog.
My first borns birthday!
Birthdays are so bitter sweet these days.
The sweet is the time with the kids..
and another year we have shared.
The bitter is that each birthday that has passed
since their dad left..
I have felt the void
that appears when there is no-one
who truly owns that memory with you.
I want to talk not just about a child
turning 13!
I want to talk about my child..our child
with someone who was there..
who understands what this birthday means.
Who has measured time
by the milestones..
and lived each heartbeat along with me..
so, it leaves a tiny hole..

May has held other events too..
It used to be my anniversary..
Can't help but remember that..

It was also the month my life began to unravel
several years ago...

Its odd to me
that I don't keep this month
in the surface files of my brain..
and yet when the month arrives,
my heart remembers and reacts...

All part of the process..
not a bump in the road,
just an imprint on the paper...
and no matter what May holds,
June is still to come...
and as far as my memory tells me
June has a pretty trouble free past!:)

footprints..soulprints...

I heard this recently;
"Some people come into our lives and simply go.
Some leave footprints on our heart and we are never, ever the same."
It is so fitting
for the place I am.

Some of the footprints
left on my heart,
are made from scars..
they were left after pain and sadness
and they have forever changed
the texture of my soul.

some of the footprints
left on my heart
are gestures that remind me
how good people can be.
unexpected gifts and help..
words of encouragment,
simple blessings from unexpected people
that remind me that there is hope
and there is redemption..

some of the footprints
left on my heart
are left by those who love me..
who support me..
and who have been beside me
when life was good
and when life was not.
The footprints that shadow my own...

and then there are the footprints
that leave imprints
because you never know
what the end result might have been,
could have been,
or even should have been.
the 'what ifs' ,
the 'what might have been'
the 'wonder why's'....
the footprints that reach beyond our hearts
to our souls.
the foot prints that create our very
perceptions of who we are
and who we might have been....

all these footprints
become the connection
between our heart and soul
and the reality that is..

some are left silently
and some with words,
that penetrate our core.
but all shape us
and all become a part,
forever,
of who we are!

one of those moments....

I went to the beach alone today
the beach is a place that holds
so many memories..
some good,
some sad.
It is where I have gone to cry,
and heal.
It is where I have gone to laugh
and smile.

Today, I decided to take a walk...
When I started
I was full of energy and purpose..
I walked away from where I had been
excited about what I might see
or find while walking..

I walked for ages.

Then it was time to turn around...
as I faced how far I had come,
I realized how long it would take
to get back!

it hit me...

It is so much easier to walk away
then it is to walk back...

And yet,
to heal we must return.

If we continue to run,
we will keep up walls
and always protect ourselves from getting hurt.
We will live in a 'fight or flight' mode,
ready to run at any moment.
Afraid to take chances
Afraid to take risks...

If we stand still
we shall never experience
hurt or healing..

and so we must go back!
We must go back to the place we started.
The place we were before the hurt,
before the pain.
The place we were before
we learned to put up walls
and guard our hearts.
We must go back to who we were
when we believed that trust was good,
and hope was possible...

We run away because we need to,
we return because we want to...
we want to be whole again.

I have turned around
and begun the steps back.
Sometimes I take flight,
and sometimes I just wait out the fear.
But even when I turn to run away again;
I never get as far
from the starting point
as I once was.
I am not back yet...
I am still raw,
my heart is not all the way open,
my wall is up and locked in place.
BUT, I have begun the journey back.
Back to the place I began,
the place that holds the key..
that will ultimately unlock my heart
and open the gateway to my soul..
and even though for a time,
the wall may stay up..
but there shall once again
be a way in.

My moment today,
was the knowing that;
You have to stop running away
to be able to turn around
and go back the way you came...
back to the you
before the heart break began.