Saturday, December 12, 2009

when will I not find it surprising??

three years ago my children s father left..
and he is still happy!
I think deep down I always believed that one day
he would miss me...
I gave him my all..
loved him completely..
it took me a while to grasp
that I was not what he wanted..
my love was not the love he desired...
neither one of us have wanted a reconciliation
in three years..
for me the reason is simple...
he hurt me deeply.
I cannot be hurt like that, by him again..
I do not believe that my heart could withstand it...
We both fell out of love in the process of dismantling our lives..
and yet,
still three years later...
when I see evidence of his new life..
his carefree, stay out late, party if you want to..
life!
I am surprised...
how is that what he wanted more then what we had?
I still wonder how its enough..
and I still find myself fighting tears
when I drive away
from dropping my kids..
my hurt is not the person,
it is the rejection of what we had,
and the choice made instead!
Certainly, it has lessened in time,
but I wonder will it ever sink in?
will I ever not be surprised
that he has found happiness in a life so different..
from the life we lived??

8 comments:

  1. It almost sounds like he is the type to confuse happiness and fun. Hope it doesn't implode on him or her. Because when the chips are down, and they come down for all of us, that life goes by the wayside to take care or if it doesn't the resentment is irreversible and often unforgiveable.

    On the otherhand..it's better for you to be away from someone whose lifeview is so different.

    Breeze

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  2. Three years isn't a long time Debbie, as each year passes you will feel differently.
    A little over ten years have passed since the night that my wife told me that she no longer loved me, that she had "met" someone.
    For a couple of years after she lead a carefree and party existence. The relationship with the other guy came to an end and she went from guy to guy for years. It was only when I started dating that she started to regret what she had lost. I don't mean me, I mean she had lost family, security, loyalty, the family home etc.

    To fast forward 10 years, she is still single, she is an alcoholic, she is in major debt and to be honest I feel very sorry for her. In one sense I'm bitter, her actions took away the life that our kids enjoyed. In another sense she is the Mother of my kids and for that I'm grateful.

    You've since been married although I've read your blog and understand what went on there, the chances of reconciliation is unreal as I'm sure you already know.

    The thing is though Debbie, don't push it, you will start to feel better, I think from memory It took me about 4 to 5 years before I stopped going over things daily in my head, before I forgot the hurt. It mattered not to me that thousands of others had gone through the same hurt, I felt that mine was different when in reality it wasn't. It was a failed marriage and I could either keep living it out in my head or move on.

    I still think that it was a shame, I sometimes think how nice it would be if we were still together but only for the sake of family. The fact is, we aren't we have lived separate lives for ten years, we have had different sexual partners. Things would never be the same. She is a part of my life story and I am part of hers. I don't bear her any malice now.

    Just before I sign off from this record breaking long comment I'll let you know a secret trick that someone told me when I was at your stage. He told me:

    "talk to everyone about how you feel, let it all out, It doesn't matter if you bore them, eventually, you'll bore yourself and all the pain will be gone"

    It works, I spoke to people, I bored them to death, eventually I realised I wasn't hurting any longer and it mattered not to me the lifestyle that she chose to lead after that.

    Good luck
    Steve x

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  3. Breeze, I agree! Steve..thank you for all you shared!! It does help to remember that others have walked AND overcome this road! and that eventually I will completely whole once one!

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  4. You will find it no longer surprising, when you finally let go. Which is a very difficult and long road, if you have given all the love you could possibly give, and it was rejected.

    I was dropping off my kids one night to their mothers, and I saw her with her new boyfriend and new friends that I have never seen before. I got to watch as I walked up to the door a life, that I was no longer a part of of.

    In one flash of moment, it was saddening, and healing all at once. I recognized that I did not want to be a part of her life and her choices, but that all the work and effort I put in, was thoroughly rejected.

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  5. You will find it no longer surprising, when you finally let go. Which is a very difficult and long road, if you have given all the love you could possibly give, and it was rejected.

    I was dropping off my kids one night to their mothers, and I saw her with her new boyfriend and new friends that I have never seen before. I got to watch as I walked up to the door a life, that I was no longer a part of of.

    In one flash of moment, it was saddening, and healing all at once. I recognized that I did not want to be a part of her life and her choices, but that all the work and effort I put in, was thoroughly rejected.

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  6. Hi Debbie - just read your moving post and I was saddened about how much you were hurt and rather surprised he walked out of a marriage with a lovely family. Very sorry, Debbie.
    We have met a few times earlier on and I regret I am not able to visit you as often as I would like.

    As you know I have just given Carolyn at Breeze a right roasting abd saw your comment. She has nominated you for roasting and I therefore invite you onto the show.
    Do you like to be rare, medium or well done? LOL
    If you would like me to roast you please email me on
    thesundayroasting@googlemail.com
    and I will send all the details about the menu and the wine list LOL
    Best wishes ~ Eddie

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  7. The way I see it, you're better off without him. He doesn't deserve you. You're a beautiful woman and you can certainly find happiness--perhaps soon, if you only realize that you have a lot to offer. Don't bother with the X. It's a waste of your time and energy.

    http://www.timetodateagain.com

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  8. Thank you all for the amazing and reflective comments...

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