I know I am grieving..
I just wonder which stage I am in
One divorce sucks you dry and breaks you, what does two do??
I guess I will find out as I go...
Today,
I missed not a person
but a relationship
the person you call about the stuff
no-one else gets!!
It made me sad...
and so now I am dissecting my grief
5 stages of grief;
stage 1 ) denial
I lived that! I remember VIVIDLY being in my room ;
when my husband of 15 years had left..
and my world had rocked off its foundation!
I remember thinking
AND BELIEVING
' we will be fine! its us!! It will work out'.
It did not! it was not fine...
Stage 2) anger
This might be one I have to revisit here and there! I have had moments..
but I tend to forgive and move through anger
and sometimes that is not as healthy as it sounds!
BUT, I did do my share towards the end of yelling
and crying and accusing...
and being angry!
So..I don't think I am stuck here...
just maybe I did not stay there long enough..
Stage 3)Bargaining.
I am through this...
but remember..
the begging..
the desperation..
of all stages this one brings the least 'self -respect'
This one can cause me to cringe
in memory
of truelly being willing to do whatever it would take..
and this one makes me grateful the bargaining did not work!
This stage is over!
Stage 4) Letting Go
I think in some ways I am still here in this stage..a little...
I think thats what hurts like today are about...
I have let got of the love and devotion...
I have let go of the future
and the plans and the goals..
to some degree I have released the memories
BUT some how...I still hold on....just a bit
to the place in my heart
that is empty...
I hold on...just a bit...
to what it was to be loved
and safe
and secure.
And sometimes...I hold on... Just a bit..
to the feeling
of knowing I was not alone...
So, AS I work through this
and accept this I know
where in the journey I am.
and the next stage
Stage 5) acceptance...
is just around the corner
waiting for me with open arms!
Hang in there Debbie and just cherish the time you have with your children. Before you know it they'll be ready to graduate from high school and you'll wonder where the time went. Make sure you do something special for yourself though...and remember your friends will be a great source of comfort.
ReplyDeleteI am seeing a lot of myself and my own experiences in your post. I think I am in a similar position as you....hovering between anger (though less and less these days), letting go, and acceptance. :)
ReplyDeleteP.S. You do not look anywhere NEAR old enough to have been married for 15 years!!
Hang in there. SOunds to me like you're handling all of this very well. Focus on those precious children and your own well being- physically , emotionally and spiritually. You're worth it.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're ready for acceptance and well on your way to achieving it.
ReplyDeleteThe steps overlap..you go forward to three, then back to one and then on to five and on a bad day back to one again...but...you find as you go along more and more time at five until you spend all your time there. It takes a while but I think it will move along even faster because you are doing so much self healing along the way. You are remarkable!
ReplyDeleteBreeze
Please try to accept!!
ReplyDeleteThat, I think will sort of set you free!!