final goodbye

its a new year..
new me..
and last night I wrote a blog,
all about who I am now..
and how I feel about that!
But, it shall have to wait...
because whats left,
is the goodbye I have to say to who I was!

As I start a new chapter in my life,
I have to first close the old one completely!
and as I have gone public with my journey,
I will also be public in my look back..
and my goodbye..
and my regrets..
and the self awareness I have now..
and what that means to then!

I have been married twice!
I have been divorced twice!
why and how?
and why will this chapter be different then those?
I have blogged about my hurt..
I have blogged about my divorce..
but not as much about the years before that..
the years when there was still a chance...

The more I look back..
the more I see how lost I was...
and how much damage a lost person can do...
I was so convicted!
So sure..
so right!
I had so much fear..
I am not sure where that came from..
I had a wonderful childhood, happy parents..
I THINK it came when WAY to young I met and fell in love.
I decided then that my future was set..
and yes, we both played a role..
yes, he proposed..
yes, he participated..
but, I KNEW...I KNEW I needed him and did not want a life without him!
I was 18 years old!!!!!
it started then,
early I knew he had harbored reservations..
we argued sometimes and he said things that hurt..
and I began to DO..
DO more..
LOVE harder..
BE better!
My goal was HIM!
My life was HIM!
and it was not healthy!

And all I can figure, is that I married so young,
and then found myself fighting for love..
and my insecurities and fears became bigger then me.
At some point I started charting my direction...
I did not ask questions,
if I did not want to hear the answer!
I loved!! I loved completely!
And I thought that was enough!
We had kids..
and as passionately as I loved HIM,
I loved them!!
My life was my family..
and MY convictions Of what that should be!
There was NO Gray!!
I was not hurtful or mean..
in fact I gave completely.
But, I gave the way that I thought love should look..
I gave the way that I wanted someone to give to me!
I did not question things that I should have..
or hear completely when things were said that made me fear...
I developed a bubble.
truly!
I lived in a world that was perfect and happy..
I lived in a world of rainbows and silver linings..
and I could NOT see or contemplate anything that might ruin that!
I wanted my children to have a childhood like mine..
I wanted to be the perfect mother and wife..
I thought anything less then my complete life
spent with and for my family was failing...
and yet, I never asked! or heard!
I never asked HIM
if this was what he wanted??
why? because I could not handle the fact that it might not be!
I spent most of our marriage feeling like he was one foot in one foot out..
but instead of facing it,
dealing with it,
accepting it if needed...
I lived in my bubble..
my perfect little world!
and HE , well, he was wrong too..
as he will admit!
He checked out..
and stopped trying to tell me..
and went along with the 'game' that I did not even know was being played!
so, I thought we were on the same page..
because I needed to think that!
and its easy at the end..
to look at what came to pass
and place blame!
and there is blame..
some things should not happen , no matter what!
They just should not!
BUT, there were years before that when things started to fall apart!
and one of us gave up and gave in and moved on..
and the other denied, and protected and kept living..
and our lives were parallel
but not as one!

And now, when I look back at me..
I see my intentions!
I loved hard!
BUT I wonder at my convictions!
I wonder at my fear of not doing what I thought was RIGHT?
what if I had been more independent?
what if my kids had gone to school?
what if I had worked?
I don't regret a minute of time I spent with my children..
but I regret my inability to see that sometimes you trade whats RIGHT
for what might be better!
I regret that I was so fearful of loosing HIM,
that I never faced what was!
I never risked hearing..and learning and loosing..
because MAYBE if I had there might have been a chance!
Maybe not..
the layers always run deep..
But, I do know
that by the time I faced it..
by the time I knew...
it really was too late!!
so now I see..
I look back at the person I was,
I don't dislike her..
I feel for her..
I see her heart..
I understand her desires...
but, I wish she had taken a chance,
stepped out of her box..
because no matter the outcome she would have found her self-respect!
as I look back and say goodbye..
its to the person who needed the marriage
more then she needed the relationship.
that person was hurt again,
when she did the same thing
and ignored the signs..
and once again crawled into a bubble..
hoping for the happy ending!
I say goodbye to the past..
the marriage..
and the person I was!
I was hurt!
I hurt him!..
I lived with blinders and its time to say goodbye to those!
I will still hurt in moments;
but accepting not just the end but the beginning..
is a start to letting go
of what is and what was..
and what might have been.

I say goodbye
to a man I loved deeply..
and would have heard differently if I could do it again..
but I would have done some things the same..
I do not regret saying I do
nor do I regret where we are now!
I say goodbye
to the woman
who loved with all she had..
and decided for others what would make them happy!
The woman who feared a life alone,
enough to create the perfect life together!

and I say
welcome..
to the woman who stands in her place!
and to the man who may one day stand beside her!