what if..is better off as what was....

I have been thinking..
after being asked about
my goals and hopes...
and then looking at how much they have changed...
what does that mean?
do circumstances change our hearts and souls?
or do we adapt to the now,
with our deep desires still intact:
just not evident on the surface?

and here is what I have come to feel!
when my life changed..
I changed...
On the surface!
I am now many roles
that I never intended to be!
I carry more burdens and pressure
then I ever expected to have!
I see more commitments in the future
that fall to me
then I ever foresaw or predicted.
I understand that raising and providing for my children
is a responsibility
that requires a change of direction!

But, if you ask my 'wishes'..
those are different!
My 'wish'
is to stay home with my children!
My 'goal'
is to provide and get more education to provide better!
My 'wish'
would be to home school my children.
My 'goal'
is to work with them and encourage them and support them to excel in the school they attend.

My wishes and goals are so different!
and yet, I learnt a very hard lesson..
when my wish became my goal
I compromised to make the wish happen!
I 'sold my soul'
to provide the wish for my kids!

This is my life..
My goal is to live it well!
To provide..
to Excel..
and to teach my children
that when life throws us a curve ball
we can sit back and dig in our heels and decide we shall not adapt,
or we can adapt with beauty and strength..
knowing that our goals and circumstances
do not change the deep desires of our souls;
and that the Lord hears our prayers and reads our hearts!

It is not a compromise
it is growing and changing and accepting...
and we keep those wishes..
and we hope..
but we see the beauty in who we are now
and accept that if this is what it always is..
this is OK!