Sunday, January 10, 2010

the journey that never ends...

I am working through some courses
as I shall begin co-leading
a divorce recovery class next week.
I can Gage the healing that has happened,
based on the memories of what was!
I know I am not in that hurt place,
I see how much change has come about..
and yet I am reminded how far a heart has to go
to really become whole again!
and how much there is to becoming 'well'.

Lack of faith is not an issue for me!
I love my Lord,
He has carried me and comforted me,
provided, guided and protected me!
and yet..
he did not rescue me..
not the way I hoped!
I realized this in church..
we were singing beautiful songs
and it suddenly hit me,
the deeply hidden, "why"? that I am holding in my heart;
see, I have have faith that can move mountains!
that God could have changed the course of what happened,
but, he did not!
and I do not think that's wrong,
I just realized that I had been holding onto
this little bit of hurt...
because I wish he had!

and as I reflected on what was versus what is...
I began to release the "why?"
My life is so different!
there is no comparison!
But, I like who I am now..
I know who I am!
My children are different..
I wish they were not!
But, they have shown to themselves (and others) their resilience..
they have overcome and grown..
they have learnt forgiveness and acceptance.
My circumstances are not what I would choose..
and I do not find them better..
BUT my reality,
my sense of worth,
my sense of self
and my reliance on God vs Man..
THAT is beyond better then what was!

and above all..
I see the good!
I see the women I am meeting
who are hurting!
I see the needs in this area
that are sometimes ignored!
I know that without the hurt
I would not be in a place to help!
I know that all things work for good..
and I see the good!

and as I sat and contemplated this..
I released that last little "why?"
and accepted the now...
and kept walking..
remembering its one footstep at a time...


  1. Most of the people in our group were men, strangely enough. I always thought women were more apt to seek that sort of support and help. We actually continued our group informally after the 13 week DC class.

    I know you'll love it. And I know all the people who attend the class will benefit from your path of healing and your support!! xo

  2. Thats interesting about the men! I sort of expect a mix!! I help lead a single moms small group on sundays too..but that is LADIES only! and I love it!:) I love that your group kept in touch....!!

  3. You'll do great and will probably draw even more strength as you help others find their way out! Kudos to you for sailing beyond the safe harbor--going DEEP!