Monday, January 4, 2010

through the eyes of a child...

In the middle of the night last night,
I understood why my friends death
has hit me harder in some aspects,
then my friend, Karen, who died 4 years ago...
she (Karen) left such a hole in my heart.
Her children became part of my family,
and certainly it hurt.ALOT!

BUT, here's the thing,
I could not relate nor grasp the depth of her children's pain.
NOW I can...

my children have not lost a parent.
BUT, the trauma they went through
when their father and I divorced was extreme.
Their hurt so deep.
and to be honest,
I have faced every aspect of the divorce
but this.
In the dark of night when I remember their cries,
I block them!
its too hard to face!
But, its there.
I know they don't hurt like that now.
I know they have accepted and moved on..
but, to witness a child's heart breaking in front of your eyes,
in something you never forget.
I remember so many nights
the 4 of us holding each other..
and my little ones sobbing and asking "why mommy, why".
They knew their dad was leaving,
and he had told them that he could not love me like he should..
he had told them, as had I, that it was not them.
But, they were helpless in our adult choice.
They were pulled along with the current of our circumstances
and they did not understand.
My youngest cried out one day " mommy, it hurts so much, I hurt all over."
I have NEVER hurt like I hurt watching my children..
and knowing I could do nothing.
I could hold them , and I did.
I could talk to them, and I did.
I could give them support, and I did.
But, I could not stop the pain,
or change what was happening.
I could not turn the tide...
the choice was made,
their future changed,
the life they longer.

No-one prepared me for their hurt..
how do you expect that?
What I heard was they would be OK.
and you know what, they are!
They really are.
But, I shall never forget..
and shall rarely think back..
because that particular aspect of our journey
left scars that I do not believe will ever heal.

So..when I saw children at a funeral..
with pain in their eyes,
my heart ached.
I now know how hard children fall..
how deeply they can crack...
how devastated they can be.
and yes, they will be OK.
They will get through this..
but in the moment,
the depth of a child's pain can not be cast aside..
their pain reaches to the heavens
and causes angels to catch their breath!

Oh, to never witness a child's broken heart again......


  1. This is what people need to read before they stray..this is what people need before they make the choice when they have family...because it's worth it to try as hard as you can to prevent this hurt. I've watched it too and it is so incredibly hurtful to them...and in my case their father slipped away and stopped parenting...that rejection is lifelong.

    On a lighter note, your book was mailed today..let me know when you receive it!


  2. Wow Debbie,

    You are really hitting the high notes already this year! What a powerful post and so so true.

    My youngest was just 6 when I left the family home, I had no choice, my Wife was seeing someone else and had told me that she no longer loved me.

    The day I left my youngest daughter Jess (the one picture on my blog with her new car) just clung to me in tears for hours. It haunts me to this day. Her life had fallen apart.

    Breeze, I know it's repetitive but I have to agree with your comments. People SHOULD read this before they stray. Divorce is so hard on children.

    Now come on Debbie, lets have some more happy posts! :)

  3. Breeze I agree...! WISH people would see what was coming while the still had the choice. Stever, ugH! Sorry you went through that..and sorry for Jess..while she seems to be doing great now!! I will try for happy...:)LOL!!!

  4. I recall having the conversation with my kids, they were so small. We had kept our arguments to late hours so it all came as a total shock to them. I am not from a split family and dont know truly their pain.
    But I remember telling them "we cannot change this, but we will get through this, together.'
    they now as teens remind me of this in tough times.
    Love love love that is the answer. And you are doing that and more

  5. Thank you for visiting my blog and commenting. I love the picture of you and your children!

    What you have written regarding the pain that children come to know through death--whether actual or death through divorce--I cannot adequately address; both of my children have only know life away as not having their parents together.

    God sees and knows all, however. And I believe that the bond you four have will last for all of life, and that it will be a blessing to you especially.

    May the Lord bind you and keep you together as one. May He breathe new life upon you and guide you like an eagle to new heights, to soar. Numbers 6:24-26

  6. Debbie, yes it is terrible to see children hurting. For my case, his dad has been working overseas and when I brought the subject up to my boy, he said "this is between you and daddy. You decide." He was not hurting from the divorce, he was hurting that the daddy was not bothered. Birthday,Christmas even when we were ok, he did not bother. So the boy is a little disillusioned. Sad huh!!