In the middle of the night last night,
I understood why my friends death
has hit me harder in some aspects,
then my friend, Karen, who died 4 years ago...
she (Karen) left such a hole in my heart.
Her children became part of my family,
and certainly it hurt.ALOT!
BUT, here's the thing,
I could not relate nor grasp the depth of her children's pain.
NOW I can...
my children have not lost a parent.
BUT, the trauma they went through
when their father and I divorced was extreme.
Their hurt so deep.
and to be honest,
I have faced every aspect of the divorce
In the dark of night when I remember their cries,
I block them!
its too hard to face!
But, its there.
I know they don't hurt like that now.
I know they have accepted and moved on..
but, to witness a child's heart breaking in front of your eyes,
in something you never forget.
I remember so many nights
the 4 of us holding each other..
and my little ones sobbing and asking "why mommy, why".
They knew their dad was leaving,
and he had told them that he could not love me like he should..
he had told them, as had I, that it was not them.
But, they were helpless in our adult choice.
They were pulled along with the current of our circumstances
and they did not understand.
My youngest cried out one day " mommy, it hurts so much, I hurt all over."
I have NEVER hurt like I hurt watching my children..
and knowing I could do nothing.
I could hold them , and I did.
I could talk to them, and I did.
I could give them support, and I did.
But, I could not stop the pain,
or change what was happening.
I could not turn the tide...
the choice was made,
their future changed,
the life they loved..no longer.
No-one prepared me for their hurt..
how do you expect that?
What I heard was they would be OK.
and you know what, they are!
They really are.
But, I shall never forget..
and shall rarely think back..
because that particular aspect of our journey
left scars that I do not believe will ever heal.
So..when I saw children at a funeral..
with pain in their eyes,
my heart ached.
I now know how hard children fall..
how deeply they can crack...
how devastated they can be.
and yes, they will be OK.
They will get through this..
but in the moment,
the depth of a child's pain can not be cast aside..
their pain reaches to the heavens
and causes angels to catch their breath!
Oh, to never witness a child's broken heart again......