Sunday, January 24, 2010

why people leave..and stay left!

So many times someone mentions,
someone they know that left!
and the one they left is saying,
but why? there were no signs?
I have heard others question,
why did they not speak up if they were unhappy?
why just leave??

Having left and been left..
I have come to FINALLY understand!

My take on this is..
I think many people
(my first husband was in this category)
find their life passing them by!
Their spouse is not angry,
their lives not antagonistic..
but it all feels like moving underwater
to the one trapped beneath the layers!
They begin to die inside,
not speaking up..
because they think there is no point!
sometimes they act out
(which there is no justification for)
and sometimes they just keep moving against the current of their hearts..
but for some reason;
maybe a flaw in the foundation,
maybe a flaw in their make up,
maybe a flaw in the matching;
they live a life as a shell and cannot remember whats underneath!
and then they 'wake'..
and they realize they can take this chance,
they can find their center..
and when they break through to the surface the only way up..
seems out!
and they leave!
and they don't look back!
and to those around,
it makes no sense.
and yet, I wonder
if this type of leaving is not the most final leaving of all??
the leaving to live?

and then there is the leaving that happens
when a person is pushed TOO far!
This is the leaving I did
in my second marriage!
I am not sure which straw broke the camels back;
was in the name calling and cursing at me?
was it the unrealistic demands on my time and ability?
was it the accusations and jealousy?
was it the following me and recording my conversations?
was it the fear I was feeling in my own home?
I am sure it was a combination..
for each person our threshold is different!
BUT, we each have one..
I was told I was useless, incapable and inadequate
countless times..I was followed and recorded
countless times..I was cursed at and at yelled at countless times...
I was threatened and punished countless times..I was unfairly accused countless times....I was demeaned and put down countless times...I was bullied and controlled countless times...
but there is a ONE time too many!
and when that time comes,
that moment arrives
when the person pushing us pushes too far..
its too late!
When we leave and run
its forever!
Our threshold was reached,
the die was cast!
The leaving is final!

I think there are many types of leaving that happens..
and many hurts in a marriage!
and I hope and believe that many can be worked through!
BUT, I wonder
if these two types of leaving and ending,
are not the ones that tend to be the hardest
to find your way back from!
There are always exceptions..
and these are just my thoughts.....


  1. really enjoyed this post. And good for you for leaving. Hopefully you didn't put up with that for very long! I have been married for 6 years and he can drive me crazy sometimes but your second ex makes him seem like an angel.

  2. realmom, I stayed for 13 months! While it felt like a lifetime it was not! I am glad I left and have now been gone longer then I was there! a good feeling!:)

  3. It sounds like you are well on your way to happiness in this complicated world!

    I've witnessed several break-ups lately. It's so sad when you know and like both people.

  4. You now have the chance to make a fresh set of choices in the situation you are in now. It is always easy to give advice and recomendations when you are not the one in the situation... I sincerely wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do in the area of relationships going forward.

    Kindest regards,
    Tom Bailey

  5. Sometimes we leave because we realize we are trapped and we long to find oursleves FREE!


  6. ReformingGeek-thank you! I think I am! and a I agree its so sad!

    Tom Bailey- thank you for the kind wishes! and you are so right, it takes walking in another shoes to really understand! Sometimes I wish I had walked in a few less pairs!LOL!

    Amy- I left because I was trapped and I long to be free! and I am so happy to be free!!:) so, yes! We leave for this!

  7. Well for me, I lost myself. Not sure who I was, what I was my worth ... obviously my ex had never found me to be worthy. His actions speaks a thousand words. His indifference towards marriage and family made me wonder if all my sacrifices would be worth the effort.
    Nothing changed for 20years so I decided to give up. Like Amy, like yourself, we are all learning to find ourselves and feel loved again. Bless you.

  8. Sometimes we can't find freedom with another person in our life. I'm glad you found yours.

  9. your second husband sounds like my first husband....leaving is very neccessary sometimes

  10. Your writing just keeps getting better Debbie. You have a great ability to unravel feelings and put them down on paper (or keyboard). I've only known you for a short time but I've witnessed a huge change in your writing Over just a few months. Your viewpoint has shifted from victim to observer. You've definitely moved on.


  11. Gaia and michelle- glad we are all free!the price was worth the pay off!

    Mama has spoken-I agree!it has taken time for me to fully accept that!

    Steve-that means alot...!and I agree, I have started to see the world around me, not just feel like it was closing in on me!!