harder with time..not easier

So I think there is a myth out there...
the myth is that a divorce gets easier with time!!

In some ways- I agree!
The actual divorce,
the part that involves two people-
the separation of lives
and the healing of hearts!
That gets easier!

The kids-
that gets harder!
I find that each weekend they leave
is harder then the one before!

When I was first divorced I missed my kids.
I was lost without them!
My heart was broken,
my life in shambles,
my purpose so unclear!
I hated them being gone!!!
Then I began dating.
Partly due to all I said above,
Partly due to boredom.
I needed something to do,
and had yet to realize I was enough!
Then my weekends without kids were fun
and filled.
and eventually destructive
and devastating,
until the rebound relationship I found myself in;
threatened to destroy me!

When I was alone once again-
I set out to find me!
I overcame the sadness at being alone,
I found things I liked to do,
and eventually became my own best company!
And that was when I found my center again.

Now with nothing more to prove;
I can be alone,
I can fill my time,
I can just BE if needed....
I have re-found my role!
And being a mom is a huge part of that!
I am no longer looking for me...
and instead I find that I am missing my children!

I did not want a fractured family!
I did not want time to myself
or weekends alone..
when I was married
I rarely went for coffee or girls nights out-
family was my heart, my life!
now I make the most of my time..
but I am incomplete when my children walk out that door!
I am a mother left to wonder-
how my children are!
Yes, I can talk to them!
Yes, they are safe with their dad!
But, when I go to sleep at night
I cannot hear their breathing in the room next door.
I cannot tiptoe in to watch their chest rise
in their sleep.
I cannot hug them and kiss them,
talk to them, protect them!
They are not with me!
and this is not what I wish!
and yet, no matter how much my heart hurts,
this is what it is!

Recently a friend and I were speaking of this-
she shared that my friends
do not define me by my divorce!
But, you see..
I do!
Not by the divorce,
as much as 'kids or no kids'.
Every time I say-
I am alone this weekend.
what I mean is;
I do not have my children! I shall miss them so much!
every time I say-
Let me see whose weekend that is.
what I mean is;
I hope its mine and I can make plans and enjoy time with my family.
every time I say-
I can't. Kids are with their dad that weekend.
What I mean is;
and one more time, my heart will break when they drive off!

Its not something I talk about much!
Its not something I express all that often!
WHY?
because this is my life!
I can kick, scream, cry and pout
and my children will still leave!
AND the kicker???
they should! Of course-
They love their father!
He loves them!
Never will they know it makes me sad!
Never will they feel my hurt!
It is what it is-
It is what it should be,
under these circumstances!

I miss my children!
Simple and true!
I accept this!
Simple and true!
I enjoy the time I have, rather then wallow in sadness!
Simple and true!
It still stinks! :)
Simple and true!

Life is what happens
when we wish it would not-
when we get to be who we are
in spite of what has become!

why words of strength make me cry

sometimes someone will say something to me,
something encouraging and kind-
and it will immediately cause a lump in my throat,
and tears in my eyes.

I used to think it was a reaction to kindness,
now I understand its a reaction to the words-
the validation.

Today I a dear friend called me brave.
it made me cry!
Why?
because there is so much understanding in the word.

when your world falls apart
and you face a new future-
you have no choice.
you want to run-you want to hide-
YOU choose not to.
Facing what YOU have to,
and learning to be strong
means overcoming things that scare you daily.

Hearing the word 'brave'
is a reflection
of every nervous moment I have had..
every time I have done something I did not want to
because I knew I must!
and every day that I wake up
knowing I carry my children's provision in my hands
and knowing what to fail might mean-
but choosing to give my all anyway.

I am surrounded by many brave men and woman,
those that face this alone,
those that face this with illness,
those that face this with fears!!
Take heart in the words given to you by others-
and let the strength behind them,
carry you for another day!!

forward moving..onward bound..

so I did it!
I started college!
Not in leaps and bounds,
but in baby steps..
one class at a time!

I jumped through all the hoops-
took the tests, waited in lines,
and finally registered for the last available evening class!

Tonight I went!
Nervous, unsure, and excited!
I think i will enjoy the class.
Regardless I sat there in awe!
Here I am 19 years later-
sitting in a college classroom,
listening to a professor speak to me
as if I can actually do what he is assigning!

It would be easy to regret
passing it up the first time around!
Not taking the chance when I was young,
childless and living at home!

NOW- college takes on a new definition!
single mom, 3 kids, full time job...
but, in many ways
its something else too..
NOW it is so dear!
NOW I know the price I paid!
NOW I want it so deeply
and understand the doors it opens!
NOW I sit and smile
and I am so excited to learn!
It will not be easy NOW-
but it will mean more!

so, its the start!
many years a head of me still...
upward and onward I go!

A tribute to two people who have given me my wings...

I wear a pendant sometimes
that says
"she is on a journey to find her wings".
I love this saying!
But, in truth
I have wings!
They were given to me by my parents!

On Thursday my parents will have been married 43 years!
I have nothing to give
other then my words and my heart!

My parents have not only been
a soft landing-
they have also been tough love!
They have supported and comforted!
They have watched and worried!
They have confronted and prayed!

More then anything else they have done;
they have set the example.
Their marriage is not perfect-
relationships never are!
But, its strong and true
and REAL!
They are each others best friends!
When they have time to them selves
its each other they look forward to being with!
They still kiss and cuddle and call each other 'my love'!
They complete one another!!

They have taught me
that love can last!
That relationships are not best in the beginning-
but rather after time!
Its then that you see what really happens
when 2 people love each other
and stay together
and get to see forever!

They have shown me
hope- just by being them!

They have loved me!
They have raised me!
They have encouraged me!
and through their love
they have inspired me!

I love you mom and dad!
Happy anniversary!

Tired..Happy..Tired...

What a great day!
First day of school for my kids-
first day teaching my little ones for me.

My kids have been very blessed with scholarships-
they attend a private Christian school.
As a single mom,
this still blows my mind.
It was a little scary for them,
as they were starting a new school.
But, all 3 of them had GREAT days!!!
and they go to school
where I teach!
I loved having them there in my room before school,
and getting to see them straight after school!
I loved knowing they were just next door...
and getting to peek at my youngest during her recess!
so many things to be excited about!

I had forgotten,
however,
how tiring
the whole process is!
The lunches, and back packs and breakfasts and uniforms,
the working (and school) all day,
and coming home to homework;
and lunches and backpacks and snacks,
then laying out uniforms and making dinners..
then of course;
the voice lessons and sports and scouts..
oh and of course, church!
After just one day
it all came back though!!

I know there will be moments that I hit the wall..
I know there will be moments when I run out of strength
and cannot find my will power!
I know there will be moments that doing it alone
is more then I can grasp!

but, they will be moments that pass-
I am who I am
I am a mother!
I am other things-
and I have come to understand that more!
BUT I am a mother!
I push and strive and work and grow!
I am a mother!
I give, I cry, I crack!
I am a mother!
I will go to the games, and the lessons ,
I will join in the sports and transport to activities,
I am a mother!
a mother who can do these things!
a mother who knows what it feels like to not be able too..
a mother who understands blessings in the small things...
a mother who gets that in who I get to be,
and what I get to give,
and the ways I get to pour myself into my children;
I become a better person,
I find my center,
my heart,
my wellness!
So much joy resides in the heart of who
we were born to be!
and I know I was born to be a mother..
one of the greatest blessings in my life!

so much has changed...

over these past few years
so much has happened.
so much has changed.
The heart ache became resilience!
The fear of the future
became hope for the present!
The wonder ifs
became yes I cans..

But, none of it has been easy!
Sometimes at the time
we are just doing what we must,
and it's in looking back
that we realize
that we were actually almost drowning!

I am so thankful to be where I am in my life!
I have learned that you never arrive!
That, what in this moment
seems perfect
can change in an instant!
Security is fleeting
and not to be counted on!
BUT, if we live our lives afraid
to let go
and cannot accept that this moment is GOLD;
we live in fear and defeat!

And so,
having learned that people are fallible,
and hearts are breakable,
Sadness is inevitable
and some hurts never mend.
I have also learned
God is faithful,
we are resilient
Hearts grow back together
and the scar tissue gets stronger over time.
I have learned that the moment is sweet.
the future is not ours to know...
but if we trust in where we are;
live the moment
without fear of what the future may hold-
the moment will carry us through
the storms.

So today I enjoy all the blessings
I have!
Today I live in the joy
of the life I have.
I am content alone in my home...
and as provider for my children.
I am excited about my place of work..
I am thrilled beyond measure
about my children's opportunity
to attend a private, christian school.
I am in love with my kids.
I find great joy in the furry and scaled animals
within my care.
I am relieved at the prospect of my parents
moving closer!

In all of this TODAY;
I am blessed!
I am joyful!
I am thankful!

Today I just AM!

Lesson paid for in stress....

So, I embark on a new journey this week..
I take college placement tests today!
meet with financial aide,
and hope to start this semester.
If not January!

I have put off going to college for 18 years!
Why??
FEAR!!!!!!
I did horribly in High school!
I was convinced I was hopeless at math.
and believing that,
I learned virtually nothing!
I barely passed
and grimaced through it!
And college?
well, it required math!

I have always dreamt of teaching!
I truly believe that being a teacher
is to change the world!
Being a mother was my first hearts desire!
But, if I could not be home
I wanted to teach.

I have never forgotten
the first time I dropped my children
off at school.
I looked at the teachers
and begged them within my heart-
to love my kids.
to encourage them.
to validate them.
In that moment I felt the power
of being a teacher!
The gift of touching a child
within their soul.
I knew it was my calling!

BUT, there is this college thing!
I do teach preschool!
I did go to school for this profession.
and I love it!!!!!
I love the nurturing they need,
and the way they share their hearts!
I love their little minds,
I am blessed to do what I do!

But, one day
I want to teach older children
and have some stability
and KNOW that I did the impossible!
I conquered college math!

Above all..
I want to show my children
that I CAN!
and they MUST!
I want them to see
that facing our fears
is the only power we hold over them!
Run and you will run forever!
Submit and you will always believe you cannot!

BUT, face it?
and you will walk away
10 feet taller.
You will know you can!
You will believe in you;
and the power of what you can do.

I want my children
to look at their mom as an example
of overcoming,
rather then as one
who did not because..
well..
she was scared!

So today...
I face that fear!
and come what may,
no matter how badly I might do on the test,
no matter how much work lies ahead...
I can and I will!
and in the end that counts for more
then I wish or I wanted!

balance and champions..

so after seeing the movie
that everyone is talking about,
eat-pray-love;
I came away thinking about 2 things!

The first is balance.
when we get it,
how do we keep from loosing it?
and is that even possible
in a relationship!!?

I went on my own 'eat/pray/love' journey!
Mine was a journey within
rather then a journey without..!
After my relationship ended;
I set aside a year!
Made a RULE;
no relationships-
no dates-
no distractions!
And I focused on 'me'.
I got over the loneliness
and I learned how to be happy
with my own company!
I faced the hurts and the past
and I said goodbye to the sadness.
Then the year passed
and I found I was still in the process.
Now , almost 2 years later,
I have found my balance,
my 'centered'ness,
my core.
I am content alone!
and I wonder-
do I even want to take a chance
at spinning randomly off center ever again?

However,
there was a line in the movie that struck me.
Julia says "why does everyone keep saying I need a man."
Her love interest says;
" you don't need a man; you need a champion".
That spoke to my heart!
and I realized..
I do not want a date,
or a fling,
or to waste time on wasting time!
BUT, when someone comes along;
who understands my scars and hurts-
who knows that I have left the past
where it belongs,
but I will always carry reminders
of what my heart has been through.
someone willing to be my champion!
Then I will take a chance,
then I will be willing
to allow my balance
to veer off center...
and disturb the settled contentedness
in my life..

but it shall not be for just any man!
IT shall be for a champion...!
and in return
I shall love as I know I can-
and be all I know I can be!
I shall give every ounce of my all-
as that is what I do..

until then...
I shall continue to enjoy my balance!

Single mom with a pet peeve

OK!
I admit it..
I love that I get a weekend every few weeks alone.
I am one of the lucky single moms..
I know that too!
When other single moms,
point that out..
I get it!
I understand it!
I feel for those who never get the moments
to refresh.
Who carry the burden alone!

However,
I must also admit..
that when I mention to others
I am going to a movie alone,
or maybe the mall..
or gardening as the kids are gone;
and the response is
"I am jealous"
or
"lucky you"
or
"must be nice"..
I must be honest,
in my head..
I think;
well yes, I have a weekend alone!
and all I had to do to get it?
was to have my heart broken completely in two,
my family ripped to shreds,
my dignity stepped on,
and my self worth put on the chopping block.
I enjoy my time
because the alternative
is sitting in an empty home,
going to bed alone...
after a day of not eating dinner with someone I love,
and not telling the man in my heart about my day!
I guess lucky is relative,
if lucky is sharing your children
with another..
and watching the heart that once belonged to you..
get given away to someone else.
A small price I guess,
for a few weekends and evenings a month alone.
Sure..
yes, its nice.
As the other days it just me..
no-one else to help with homework,
no-one else to run to the store on their way home,
no-one else to have a 'talk' with the unruly child,
no-one else.

I am really not bitter!
I love my life!
I have embraced what is!
I enjoy the time I have alone,
but relish the time I share with my children!
I am learning to share my alone time with others,
and create the friendships that sustain me
when I feel lonely.

BUT, in truth?
I would trade it!
I would trade my weekends alone..
my evening during the week..
I would trade my movies
and books
and gardening
and facebook time..
To have married a man from the start;
who loved me and desired me!
Who wanted a family
with me..
I would trade all of 'me'
to have all I hoped for my kids..
I would trade my 'now'
to have what I hoped was then!
I would sacrifice the 'free' time
if I could 'sacrifice' the heart ache!

So,
maybe I wish others knew..
or understood..
that was looks so footloose and fancy free
to those with family commitments EVERY weekend,
came at a very high price
and no matter how many movies
and girls nights out
I don't think the debt, in my heart,
will ever be paid,
completely off...

life is so... curvy!

So I started a new job Monday-
I will admit it has been harder
then I expected!
Not the job,
but the changes.
Its a 30 minute drive..
The position I am qualified for was not available,
I took an assistant position,
and I had struggled..
as teaching is what I LOVE.
I was feeling a little lost and sad.

Then out of the blue I got a call..
actually two!
Two job offers...
ONE was the one
I had hoped for..
A position at my children's school
(the preschool beside the main school they attend.)
lead teacher for the little guys,
working with a good friend..
working the same school schedule as my kids.
I was THRILLED!
So, in a dramatic curve of the road-
I have my current job notice
and start my new job next week!!

God is so good!
Working full time
while common-
takes me away from my children.
Last year I missed their field trips
and awards..
They rode the bus
and I never saw their teachers.
I felt so out of touch with their world!
a place I never want to be..
and yet a place that had to be for then.

SO excited...
To be back apart of their daily existence;
to know their teachers and their friends,
for them to know that I am there!
EVEN is I am working-
I am there!

Happy does not seem like a strong enough word
to describe how I feel..
after a rough few years
of doing what had to be done...
and making compromises to make ends meet,
I will take this new blessing
and relish it..
and move to this next step,
knowing what a luxury I have
and thankful for the gift
of getting to....
BE THERE! just be there...
simple! profound! My heart!

a blur

work is settling a bit...
Life is nuts, so normal!

However,I am struck as I face
my kids starting school in a week..
just how fast time flies.

My oldest is in his last year at middle school-
and my middle is in her last year at elementary school-

In church Sunday;
My oldest was singing the songs,
My youngest was rolling her eyes,
as he was singing a little loud for her taste..
My middle smiling at a friend-
and for a minute I glimpsed
what is to come!
This next stage of life.
Teenage years....

My legs buckled for a minute!
Its a lot to face-
and facing it alone,
in a broken home..
with all the emotions
and fractured hearts that brings;
is overwhelming!

I remember so often
when my 3 were small..
three children 4 and under-
and people would stop me,
tell me to enjoy it would pass so quickly!
And I could not imagine it flying by!
and now, I get it!
and I know it will fly by
and I am powerless to stop it!!

I love each stage-
and this one is really fun!
I love the little people they are,
the young man my son is becoming!
BUT, I am not ready to watch them keep growing-
I want time to stop!
Just for a bit-
just to let me catch up,
and hug them extra,
and pour into their lives,
and make sure I have not missed anything.

Then the clock can start again....

wow..what a ...day!

First day back at work...
took some adjusting!
I could not quite put my finger on it,
then right before I went to bed
I realized what it was!
I was lonely!!!
I came from a work situation
where I knew everyone well!
worked with one of my best friends!
Hugged people in greeting,
knew the kids,
knew the parents..
felt 'known'.
I had forgotten what 'starting over' feels like!

I then came home to a plumbing emergency...
only toilet we have,
not working!!
I rushed out the door
to take my youngest to voice lessons!
Rushed home to a still broken toilet,
to just rush out again
to teach evening swim lessons!!

By the time I got home-
I was tired and cranky!
The landlord had fixed the toilet,
but I felt done!!
And yet- I survived it all!
The kids were great!
We all went for a walk last night,
and the one thing I did enjoy
was the simple routines
that tend to happen..
when you are stretched for time!
the non-summer routine!

So today is another day!
I have no doubt I will adjust-
swim lessons end within 2 weeks,
voice lessons only happen once a week-
yesterday was just a day!
Not a reflection of what every day will be!

Sort of like our life,
the bad moments are just that..a moment!
and they only define us,
if we let them!

its here....

tomorrow..
I start my new job!
restart my old life..
the one that involves
early to bed,
and early to rise!!
Weekends for cleaning,
lunchboxes
and backpacks...
stickers and crayons!

I have mixed feelings!
BUT overall I am excited!
I am relieved!
I am a little nervous.

I keep reminding myself,
I balanced all this before!
I can do this!

Sad to see the summer end,
but so thankful I got to spend it
with my kids!
When all is said and done,
my life is blessed!
I have time with my children,
a roof over my head..
animals and plants,
and now a job to pay for it all!!:)

so, while saying goodbye to sleeping in
and playing with the kids most of the day..
is hard!!
saying hello to a new start and a new season
is very exciting!...

Hello tomorrow! I am ready!

simple, sweet, satisfied!

So life is back to normal!
The kids are home,
from vacation with their dad.
They had a great time!
I used the time
to teach swim lessons,
to clean house,
shop for school,
organize,
and hang out with friends!

BUT, nothing beats having them home!
Hearing their nighttime noises
as they settle for bed.
Hearing their stories about the week..
their grumbling at each other...
their laughter.

My home is complete when they are here.
and THIS part, the seperation,
is the hardest part
of a broken home.
My home is incomplete
while they spend time with their dad.
His home might feel the same
when they are with me.
for every moment shared;
another is thinking
and wondering
and waiting
to have the moments back again!

This was not what I pictured
'growing up' would be!
This was not what I hoped for motherhood!
I never envisioned saying goodbye
to my children
several times a month..
or anticipating, this year,
Christmas morning alone!

IT is what it is..
it is what you make it!
We have made this the best it can be...
within what is!

BUT, this...
this is not what I wish it was!
and sharing my children
takes a toll on my heart
every time they leave...
and makes the completeness I feel
that much more sweet,
every time they come home....

my words have dissapeared!

If I was with anyone right now,
having a conversation
I would describe myself
as being 'at a loss for words'.

But, for no reason!
ODD!!!
I have almost hit a wall today-
that has rendered me pensive,
and silent.

I think the 3 months of wondering,
would I find work..
The 3 months of worrying
how I would get the kids to and from school..
the last week of knowing I had a job,
but 2 weeks of no childcare for my kids..
the chores that must be done
and may not be gotten too again until next summer,
the back to school shopping and school supplies,
the back to work preparations...
the appointments to be made,
the appointments that were made
and now must be kept...
the emotions of my kids as they face a new school.
the fears I have of the same at work.
the pressure of it all
has just left me
spent!
without words
or even thoughts!

A blank space where worry used to be..
a void that peace will soon fill.

and through it all
the continued journey alone,
the wondering why
still.. almost 2 years gone by
no-one to even begin to consider sharing the journey with..
still.. facing the new and the old,
with just my heart and faith to be my guide.

And so,
for today..
for this moment...
my thoughts have ceased to progress beyond the present!
my words have lost their form!
Until a renewed energy hits..
and the reality settles in,
and I once again remember..
I have done this before,
I will do this again!
and it is OK!

me.. again!!!!

Finally today
I ended the worst chapter in my life..
the chapter that had no happy ending,
many twists and turns,
no prince charming,
but instead a slave, an escape..
and a scared and lonely woman overcoming great odds!

A chapter that should never again be read..
a book that should be shredded!
and today,
the last page read....
the book was shut!
The pages never to turn again.

I FINALLY got my name back!:)
now, in true dysfunctional confusion,
I did not go back to my maiden name..
I instead chose the name I share with my children!
I have also have the papers to do this for over 18 months!
BUT, I procrastinate!

It felt so good to finally be
ME AGAIN!
The name I have carried since I was 18...
a name I associate with three children I love dearly!
a name , mine by default!
No history of family belonging to me..
No relatives,
or family trees!
An odd place to be when your own name
is yours without ownership!
But, mine none the less!!

In true 'me' fashion
I bonded with the drivers license lady,
who consoled me that mistakes happen..
and some parts of our lives are better left in the past!

The smile on my new license is a GRIN!!

That is one book
I NEVER plan on reading again!

phew...better then expected!

So I went to my first staff meeting,
and I loved it!!!
It was a totally new experience,
lots of ladies...
different ages,
all teaching different little stages.

The teacher I will be working with,
is wonderful!
She is very like me;
relaxed and easy going..
much more about the relationship
with some structure thrown in!
She even had turtles in her room..
and as an animal lover,
that made me happy!!:)

So much of my new life
looks so different then my old.
And yet I am filled with
the same contentment I had...
when living the life of my dreams!!

It truly shows
that contentment
has nothing to do with your actual circumstances,
and everything to do with embracing
where you currently are!

Looking forward to Monday...!!!:)

It's a New day...

So many new things about to happen...
I start a new job in just a few shorts days..
my kids start a new school in a few short weeks...

Both bring some nerves!
This job is a new location and out of my 'town'.
Treading new waters for sure!!

The kids have the blessing to go
to a private christian school..
but, it means leaving the friends they knew!
They are feeling the jitters
and having second thoughts..!

But, I feel
that both these new things
will be GOOD new things!!
The kids and I will end our days
together by 3 pm!
That's so HUGE!!!!
I will be going back to school!
They will be in a school
that allows them to learn about their faith!

I will be meeting new people..
and so will they!
and I am just as nervous
as them!!:)

First staff meeting tonight,
already I wonder;
will I fit in?
will I meet anyone I connect with?
will they get me?
you know- the single , quirky, vegetarian
mom of 3.
:)
so, I feel my children's fears..
and I walk in their shoes!

BUT, I believe we will all be happier
for this new path!!
and I am excited to see what comes!!!

ridiculously simple...yet it ridiculously hurts!!

so I wonder if these tiny pricks of hurt
will ever fully go away?
I am so far beyond the broken, sad person I was!
I am so much stronger!
and I am happy!
really happy in my life!

But, when a heart was once broken,
it seems the scars might still bleed
easily!

Tonight..
looking at some public pictures..
I glimpsed one of ex's new love!
It was taken on a trip they took.
Here is the part that pierced my heart!
NOT that they took a trip-
been there-done that!
BUT that the picture was taken of her..
by him!
AND never in all our years
(16 .. but who is counting)
do I remember him wanting to catch a moment of me!

It hits that little sore spot..
that little place
that was rejected and discarded!
and it hurts!!
I will not lie!!

It passes..
and its over!
and the scar has healed over once again!

But, I wonder...
will I always be so vulnerable?
so strong and yet so fragile?
Will my heart forever bleed
when it is pricked?
or will there come a time
the scar will knit so tight...
that pin pricks to my heart,
will not longer cause me harm?