Sunday, August 29, 2010

harder with time..not easier

So I think there is a myth out there...
the myth is that a divorce gets easier with time!!

In some ways- I agree!
The actual divorce,
the part that involves two people-
the separation of lives
and the healing of hearts!
That gets easier!

The kids-
that gets harder!
I find that each weekend they leave
is harder then the one before!

When I was first divorced I missed my kids.
I was lost without them!
My heart was broken,
my life in shambles,
my purpose so unclear!
I hated them being gone!!!
Then I began dating.
Partly due to all I said above,
Partly due to boredom.
I needed something to do,
and had yet to realize I was enough!
Then my weekends without kids were fun
and filled.
and eventually destructive
and devastating,
until the rebound relationship I found myself in;
threatened to destroy me!

When I was alone once again-
I set out to find me!
I overcame the sadness at being alone,
I found things I liked to do,
and eventually became my own best company!
And that was when I found my center again.

Now with nothing more to prove;
I can be alone,
I can fill my time,
I can just BE if needed....
I have re-found my role!
And being a mom is a huge part of that!
I am no longer looking for me...
and instead I find that I am missing my children!

I did not want a fractured family!
I did not want time to myself
or weekends alone..
when I was married
I rarely went for coffee or girls nights out-
family was my heart, my life!
now I make the most of my time..
but I am incomplete when my children walk out that door!
I am a mother left to wonder-
how my children are!
Yes, I can talk to them!
Yes, they are safe with their dad!
But, when I go to sleep at night
I cannot hear their breathing in the room next door.
I cannot tiptoe in to watch their chest rise
in their sleep.
I cannot hug them and kiss them,
talk to them, protect them!
They are not with me!
and this is not what I wish!
and yet, no matter how much my heart hurts,
this is what it is!

Recently a friend and I were speaking of this-
she shared that my friends
do not define me by my divorce!
But, you see..
I do!
Not by the divorce,
as much as 'kids or no kids'.
Every time I say-
I am alone this weekend.
what I mean is;
I do not have my children! I shall miss them so much!
every time I say-
Let me see whose weekend that is.
what I mean is;
I hope its mine and I can make plans and enjoy time with my family.
every time I say-
I can't. Kids are with their dad that weekend.
What I mean is;
and one more time, my heart will break when they drive off!

Its not something I talk about much!
Its not something I express all that often!
because this is my life!
I can kick, scream, cry and pout
and my children will still leave!
AND the kicker???
they should! Of course-
They love their father!
He loves them!
Never will they know it makes me sad!
Never will they feel my hurt!
It is what it is-
It is what it should be,
under these circumstances!

I miss my children!

Simple and true!
I accept this!
Simple and true!
I enjoy the time I have, rather then wallow in sadness!
Simple and true!
It still stinks! :)
Simple and true!

Life is what happens
when we wish it would not-
when we get to be who we are
in spite of what has become!


  1. I was never married, but my family is split. When Aidyn is with his dad a part of me just isn't right. It angers me sooo much that I never chose this. His dad chose another life and not us. Yet my life is forever changed. I hate how other people get to make choices that end up hurting me and I can do NOTHING about it.

    Sometimes that sucks..

    but since I have Aidyn 90% of the time now, its a little easier!

  2. I feel you. This is why when people are contemplating divorce, I tell them to stay married.

    You hit it on the head - things are tough, then fun, then you miss your kids dearly when you don't have custody.

    I try to love them even when they aren't here, and that helps a bit. By this, I mean I keep them in my thoughts, and do things for their benefit. Even if it's just a load of laundry.

  3. I can completely relate. I went through a divorce 8 years ago. I moved far far away as soon as I could. But that only means that the visits with the ex are longer and the kids are farther away...
    Hang in there, I think it does get better, I really do.

  4. It does stink. I'm so sorry. When my parents divorced, my second sister and I were in our teens and not part of the visitation agreement, so we never went to our dad's ... the youngest two did, though, every other weekend. It was always so strange.

  5. This was beautiful and very well written. I am not divorced but I can't imagine being separated from my children to share custody. I am glad that through it all you found yourself and you don;t need your kids to not be alone, you want your kids because they are such a big part of your heart!God bless!
    Also, wanted to let you know that I posted my first of a month long of Be a Better me challenges today, hope you can stop by and link up!