An ironic weakness

Most of the time
I am not lonely!
I do not crave companionship
nor do I wish for someone
to be with me
in my space...

But, when I am sick
that all changes!
I feel vulnerable
and alone...
whenever I get the flu
or a sinus infection..
or whatever,
I find that all the defenses I have
disappear!
and all I crave
is someone
to share my heart
for just a moment...

And the irony?
Is I have never had that!
-not when I was ill...
so its not that I miss it...
I was with a man
who while helpful..
was not a ''caretaker' of me...

So why?
why when I am sick
do I imagine
snuggling beside someone
and knowing
that I not alone?

I think its because
I am too weak
to remember
NOT to want that...
I am to worn
to remind my heart
that I am ALL I need....

Like the illness..
this too shall pass!
and I will be back
to being strong
and able
to take care of 'me'.
Because
being vulnerable
is still a state of being
I avoid....
Just sayin!

Kind of personal..but why not????

so..
2 years have almost passed me by!
and I think sometimes
about all the reasons
I do not want someone in my life..
all the things I fear
or worry about!
and all the things I dream for
and wish would be!

As I get older
I think about starting over
and there is much about it
that seems hard work!
Meeting new families...
getting to know how someone
likes their coffee,
favorite color,
Their childhood nightmares
and hobbies!

I think about
learning someone else's patterns
and the sound their heart beat makes..
and some of this seems
so much!
and some so easy!

but the fear comes back
to them learning me!
I am pretty open about who I am...
but, what about my faults?
I am really stubborn!
I can be a teensy feisty!
I am excessively quirky!
and in some areas
I am also insecure!

and that becomes a whole new issue..
recently I examined my physical
fears..
and wonder if that does not play a role too..
no matter my stand on 'intimacy'
the reality of fears are still there!

My husband got the best of me!
I was young...
no kids...
and then as I became a little older
and had a '3' kids body..
he knew these kids,...
they were his!
The stretch marks
and extra 10 pounds..
had their name of it!

Someone new?
just gets the damage and the insecurities..
without the ownership!

I am sure that might be part of getting
older..
part of growing up
and realizing that you are not 20
anymore!

Starting over
with insecurities
emotionally and physically;
is much harder...
then starting fresh
when the world was my oyster
and I was forever young!

But, I guess then..
I might have had the young body...
but I had not grown into my own skin!
When all is said and done,
I have to face the fears
and overcome the less then perfections..
but I would take the 'all grown up me' now
over the 'so much to learn me' then...
stretch marks, heart aches,wrinkles,
and most of all 'life lessons',
and all....

age... a state of being...

Age is so relative...
Age is such a state of being..
I am turning 37 in a few days.
That sounds so mature,
so figured out!

Sometimes I feel older...
yet,
sometimes I feel like a
miss rather then a 'ma am'....

It amazes me how life plays a part
in who we are
and how 'old' the age we are
really is!

In my 20's
I had 3 children &
I celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary
by the age of 28.

in my 30's
I was divorced,
not once,
but twice.
I lost my home..
I started over
again..and again..and then again.
I sarted working full time,
and I went back to college.

As I look at this rest of this decade
I would love to think the changes are done!
The challenges faced!
And yet-
now I am at that 'age'..
the age where I have teenagers...
a stage that might age me
faster then any other!

This next year..or 2 ..or 3...
I hope....
for love?
not sure!
for money?
not really!
for happiness?
to a degree...
for stability?
yes!
for peace?
completely!

and in my 40's?
maybe I will have a midlife crisis
and become a gypsy living in California!
*sigh*
Or maybe..
I will just do what I have always done;
Love my Lord,
Love my kids,
Love my family....
and let the rest take care of itself!

Single has to do,...what single has to do!

As an early birthday present
I bit the bullet
and got my hair done!
It was STRAIGHT!
so this is different!

I have long since learned
that birthdays alone
can be sad!
or they can be special!
Which one..
is up to me!

I still have a week to go,
but got a head start
with some hair pampering...
and a new style
to go with a new me!

every month of this journey
seems to bring about
a new me..
a stronger me..
a more confident me...

and as time has gone by
it has also brought
a more realistic me!

On holidays
I no longer look
for someone
to take care of me..
instead I set a goal
of something I want
and make it happen!

Today I did that!
A good feeling...
even if I can't wash my hair
for a while......:)

fear..awakens..memories...

The feeling of being un-nerved
has awakened feelings
from my past-
it has also helped me to
see
my fears...my walls..
are so much
bigger then a broken heart!

There was a time
when security was elusive.
I experienced what many woman have..
and most will tell you-
is an experience
you do not easily forget-

before I left
and after I left...
I was watched-
I was followed-
I was recorded-
..there is a word for this..
but the word does not do
the feeling justice.

The feeling of knowing
someone is out there,
behind you when you are in your car-
outside your window while you are sleeping-
driving by the place you are meant to feel safe-
watching you as you go about your day-
is a feeling I have
yet to put complete words too...

It is a feeling of being hunted-
a feeling of being trapped-
a feeling of being not just vulnerable
but exposed to your very core-
a feeling beyond description.

An invasion of the very
space around you...
walking on eggshells
that shatter with every step-
every shadow, every sound;
creating a shudder in your being-

As time passes
I forget-
I put it to the back of my mind-
the 'eeriness'
the anger it aroused-
the control this person
still held-

when I am reminded
the feelings rush back
and I understand
more
my walls-
my insecurity-
my need to be free!

I do not just fear another
broken heart-
I fear meeting another
broken mind-
I fear once again
loosing my ability to walk
safe and 'un-noticed'
through this world-

I will not remain here..
I fought the
emotional bars-
I overcame the
hostaged 'state' of my mind-

I will use what I
know
to understand how it
shapes my present-
but I shall not go back,
nor shall I remain in this memory
or state of unease.

I shall push through
and once again
win the battle-
but, first I must
'face' the
war.

alone feels REALLY alone tonight...

2 nights ago
my car was broken into!
The back window was shattered,
some items were stolen.
the alarm alerted me and I ran out...

Took me a few minutes to know what had happened..
it was the middle of the night after all!
The next day,
we found a pair of eye glasses
in the back yard..

all of this happened outside my home!
Yes, right outside,
but outside none the less!

and yet,
now I feel nervous inside my house
a feeling I am not used to!
when I first lived alone
I slept facing the door for months!
BUT, then it was not a stranger
that I expected to see!

Now, all these months and months later,
I find myself checking the locks
and rechecking the locks..
checking and rechecking the alarm..
my heart is beating..
I feel the quickening of my pulse..
because I am alone!
and yet..
I am always alone!
I live alone!
*sigh*..

They stole some items...
they broke a window...
but they invaded my safety!
Something I fight for..
something I need!

I know this feeling will pass..
and I know I will be OK!
Adjusting to this side of 'single hood'
is just what it is..
there is no upside to this part!

other then, I guess..
the part where you overcome..
and find your safety once again,
in spite of your circumstances...

until then..
I am just going to go
check the locks again..

soft as steel...

so I am pretty tough these days..

independent,

self sufficient..

for the most part!

I work

and pay the bills...

I figure things out when they go wrong..

and I keep men at arms length,

perfectly content alone!

And then something simple..

melts my heart,

and reminds me

how soft a core of steel

might really be!

Tonight-

that moment

was during a Tv show..

criminal minds..

my fav actor

used the phrase 'baby girl'..

and not to his daughter!:)

it made me remember

what it is

to be protected

and soft

and vulnerable...

and OK with that!

Its funny the things

that

remind our hearts

that

under the metal plate..

might just be..

butter!

My hiding place..

*disclaimer- I feel this and express this- but in a truthful not unhappy place. Something I wrote one night..something today I may feel. tomorrow I may not!


My fears are very real

they hide beneath my smile-

If I forget, in a moment..

its only for a while.

I sometimes express myself in words

I sometimes hide and cry

but, my fears will always find me

no matter how I try-

My fears have become

my friend and my foe

and how long they shall stay,

there is no way to know..

But, letting them go

saying goodbye

is sometimes bigger then me..

sometimes too hard to try!

My fears protect me

they keep me safe

my fears have become

my hiding place-

It started like every other day....

It was just a day..
like every other day-

cold and sad;
dismal and dispairing-
lonely, empty and forboding...

But, I did not know
I would leave -
this day.

I had thought about it-
imagined it...
cried about it-
dreamed about it...

but, how?
where would I go?
I had a few 'vague' options-

BUT, I would be diving off a cliff
without being able to see
the depth of the water!

I was scared!
I had been scared..
for many months.

Today was no different!
I dropped my kids off at school-
I returned home
to the drama
and the hurt...

always..
the drama and the hurt-

I picked the kids up from school
and set off for their dads..
an hour and a half drive.

A phone call from 'him'-
'him' the first one I had trusted
after their dad left..
'him' the one who tried to break me..
and hated my strength.
'him' whom my whole being longed
to flee from...
This phone call from 'him'-
changed it all.

I knew in that moment
it was time...

for my children
there was no preperation-
they did not get to say good bye to friends,
or bring anything with them-
one second all was the same..
the next it was changed forever...
and yet, they too
knew it must be.

for me-
it was dark
it was lonely
it was the hardest thing I have ever done-
But, it was......time.

Now 22 months later
I still remember...
I still go back in my mind
I still feel
the heartbeat of risk-
the hurt of the charade-
the loss of safety and trust-
But, I can feel it
and I can leave it behind-
I visit in my dreams
and wake up shaking..
but the dream ends..
and I remember- it's over!

I have never regretted leaving-
not for an instant.

I am free...
It. Was. Time.

pushed..pulled...

sometimes it seems
that many people
seem to feel
they know..
whats best for me!

Move on they say
get out
take a chance...
live a little...
or
don't let life pass you by!

And yet..
2 major life changes
2 lost loves
2 disappointments
2 dreams disintegrating into ashes
1 severed heart
broken twice...
in the space of 3 years..
seems more then just,
a 'let it go' event!

Do I fear?
of course!
But, what I know
sf that as of now...
I do not want to move on
in the way others wish!
I do not need to move on
in the way others hope!

I am not stagnating in my life!
I am thriving
and living
and laughing!
I am so content!

and here is what I understand..

I have MOVED on!
Life is NOT passing me by!
I AM living a little..
I have TAKEN a chance!

Its in the moments I smile
when I would rather cry!
Its in the days I work
when I would rather curl up in bed!
Its in the situations when I parent
when ignoring would be easier!

Its in the times I laugh
because its funny!
Its in the days
there is no where else I want to be instead!
Its in the knowledge
my life is what it should be!
Its in the peace
that this is hard but I am doing it!
Its in the contentment
of knowing I am not alone!

Moving on is in the moments..
not the circumstances!
Moving on is in the strength..
not a person to share the load!
Moving on is in the choices..
not the regrets!
Moving on happens...
with every step forward a broken life takes!

randomly me..

So I have thought about my blog..
is it too personal?
should I make it private?
should I share less..?
and then I realized,
no! NOT yet!
for me there is something so healing
about sending my words
out into the universe...
no matter who reads them.

I need that!
for now!
and I shall accept
what may come...

and I shall share what I might
should not!:)
KNOWING that its for me...
but also for myself and others
to know we are not alone..
we face this
with the same tears
and triumphs!
Our words
measuring our progress
in the right direction!

so today I share this;
I have been heavy hearted..
feeling like love is just not for me..
or even the chance at love
not right!

and tonight I realized why?
I allow it to become SO complicated!
whether by my choice
or by my allowing others to complicate it..
either way simple has not been a part of this whole...

I cannot enter back into this 'dating' world..
because anyone who tries..
(and they do...)
either already knows me.
and has had a chance to decide
they want more...
and I do not feel the same!
or I do not know them at all..
and cannot accept a 'date'
without knowing who they are!
or a little bit of both scenarios
intertwined as one.
and before you know it..
we have shared hopes and dreams..
and have not even had coffee...
and then I run!
and I run fast..
and once I run, I do not look back!

Because here is the thing..
I am not ready for much!
I am not looking for my future..
I am not looking for my 'soul mate'..
I am not looking for someone to share my life...
in fact if I think to far ahead
I panic!
Actually I completely FREAK OUT!

All I want is to bump into someone..
look at them;
and think "hmmm...maybe?"
have them think the same..
and then hear them say "coffee?dinner? "..
and then go on a first date,
and at the end of that date
decide on a second..or not!
one step at a time!
Nothing more..nothing less....

BUT, I don't allow that!
And then its too complicated!
and then I don't want the same thing!
and then ...

So, not sure what to do about it!
BUT, at least I have figured out
what does not work...
maybe that will allow me
to try something new!:)
and that's at least a start...:

Letting go...

Letting go-

holding on-
one and the same-
so different-
so alike.

hot and cold..
young and old..
two parts of a whole.
two sides of a coin..

hurt and hope
one not the same,
if the other
was not there too!

The order of life
determines the outcome..

Hurt followed by hope-
a new beginning.
Hope followed by hurt-
the beginning of the end.

The music in my head

The song began....

too much to soon?

A heart not whole?

wrong place?

wrong time?

A start without an end..
A beginning without a middle..

The music started

but, the tempo was out of sync.

The moment not mine..

not meant to be.

Fate?

Foe?

Fears?

Or just a song
that did not match

the rhythm of my heart?

Whatever the case..
the music has stopped-

and for now-

my heart is content in the silence.

A fragile glue...

Sometimes,
I picture my heart,
like a shattered vase-

At one time
it lay in jagged pieces;
discarded-
hopeless...
seemingly broken beyond repair.

Then slowly the pieces
were fit back together-
a fragile puzzle-
tiny fragments missing
here and there...

Glued back together,
carefully,
delicately,
ever so slowly-

Now, from far away,
my heart looks whole...
but, if you look closely-
you will see jagged scars
running across the entire
surface....

And if I breathe to
hard..
Take to much air into my
lungs..

The glue might disintegrate,
the fragile bond give way-
and my heart will lay
in shattered pieces-
once again.

only time will tell...

I am learning that at some point,
you have to start living life
to know if you are OK!
There is only so much you can know
while sitting on the sidelines!

One of my greatest fears
was reverting
to my 'co-dependent' place.
As a person, I am a people-pleaser!
I want to make others happy,
I avoid confrontation.
I give-in!
And yet, I am also stubborn and determined!

When I loved-
if I wanted my 'own way'..
I would not fight,
I would wait until a good time,
or the right circumstances..
I would passively try and get my way.
Sometime I 'won'
sometimes I did not..
but rarely did I stand my ground
with strength.
Instead I became what I thought I should!
compromising from the start
to keep the peace!
I never want to do that again!
compromise = yes
chameleon = no!

As I start to live my life,
rather then just watch it-
I see that has changed!!
When someone tries to bully me
or control me..
it no longer causes me to feel intimdated!
Instead it makes me mad!
It is not ok!
Please stand up to me, if needed!
or speak with conviction if you will....
BUT, do not bully me!
Do not try and control me..
I will not allow it!
I have not allowed it....

Seeing it,
living it...
understanding where I shall bend
and where I am steel,
has given me
hope!

I love the Lord
-my heart and soul!
I am a mother first!
-always!
My family matters!
-forever!
My friends are important!
-inflexible!
I love animals and have too many pets!
-unbendable!
I will not eat meat!
-try and make me!!

The rest.
I will talk about...
but, I won't be pushed!
and I see that now!
I can hold my own...
I can depend on myself to look out for my kids,
and to look out for me...

and maybe THAT is enough
to allow me to give others a chance
to look out for me too!
...maybe...
Time will tell!

slow motion in fast forward....

as life begins to change.
as I begin to slowly let others in...
as I accept the calls
and conversations...

sometimes it all feels like
its rushing at me..
sometimes a crawl
can feel like a run!

Two steps forward in opening up,
one step back as I shut down!
Back and forth..
Back and forth...
Sometimes I rush,
sometimes I run..
Sometimes I barely move...

And when I fear,
its all too much!
That no-one will understand!
No-one would take things
slower then slow..

I remember that the one
who might break through this wall,
shall.
simple!

and I resume the dance..
and take the steps forward,
knowing that at the next spin..
I might skip backwards again!

but also knowing that I will never know
what the next song shall be...
unless I finish the dance!

What a difference a breath makes

Something in me has changed!
Something small..
yet noticeable...

Slowly I have started to let down my guard!
Slowly I have started to let people in!

I have begun to understand
that these past 2 years,
the walls I built
not only protected me from
suitors...
they protected me from friends!

As I became aware of this fact-
I began to realize
that this steel cage has served its purpose!
Within its protection,
I began to heal!
Within its walls,
I learned to be alone!
Within its cold embrace,
I learned to survive!
Now- its time to open the door,
even if its just a crack!

Letting down my guard
even just a little-
has had the strangest
OVERALL effect.
strange men approach me now-
I guess the 'do and die' mask if gone!
That's a little different,
and not really welcome
but its proof of this visible release!

The great 'side effect'
is that I am laughing again!
I am opening myself up to my friends-
letting them in!
After 2 years of not knowing
I was shutting them out...
I am actually letting them in!

Last night I went to a quirky little coffee shop
with my girl friends!
The kind of place
that has live music..
and very colorful regulars!

We laughed and giggled..
we were silly
and friendly!
The group around us grew,
and I was OK!
I did not leave-
or turn my back!
I did scoot closer to my friend..
(old habit!)
but, I was OK!

We made plans
for other places..
places with crowds..
places with people..
places that for so long
caused me to hide!
We made plans to enjoy life,
and I was OK with that!

The years of solitude
of fearing the world
may not be over!
But, they are entering their final
phase...
My heart is lighter
as the weight of the steel
surrounding my soul-
begins to disintegrate!
One chain at a time...

a heart beat of time..and nothing was the same

I will never forget...
9 years ago,
I was a stay at home mom,
I had 2 small children!
I had 1 on the way!

My life was in turmoil already!
While it was not the crisis
the ultimately ended my marriage,
we were in crisis none- the - less.

My little world was all I knew!
Fighting to survive
and keep my family intact!
Fighting to keep my head above water
as a wife and a mother...

That day,
I was on the phone with a friend..
my small children were playing on the living room floor...
I was folding laundry in the bedroom,
the TV was on..
and it happened!
Watching it live-
it looked like an accident..
a horrible wrong turn!
and then...it happened again!

The whole world changed!
My small little world
seemed so insignificant
as miles and miles away
people fought for their lives!

That day-
My husband and I had an appointment-
the crisis dire
and counseling needed.
We were just starting to make progress...

We drove through deserted streets..
a ghost town
as people stayed inside
glued to the horror happening
before their eyes!

our counselor met with us for the last time..
the tragedy causing her to rethink
the time she spent away from her kids!
We never went back!
I will always wonder
would it have changed anything?

A day that affected the world..
affected this country,
and the trickle down affect
that changed lives in ways
both big and small...
in ways we shall never really know!

The dance begins...

As I begin to let down the walls..
JUST a little..
as I begin to let go the hurt...
JUST a lot..
The side effect,
is the dance that begins,
before a step is taken!

The dance of flirting,
and smiles..
The dance of talking
and sharing...
The dance of what if's
and maybes...
a dance that for some is a quick step,
and yet for me is VERY slow waltz.

But, the music is playing..
a hand is reaching for mine...
the dance has begun...
Now, we shall see how this song ends!

Tonight..I wept!

In my garden,
now sits a bench!
This bench sat in my parents garden
4 years ago!
My marriage had just ended,
my heart broken..
my life in shatters,
but my hope was intact!

I sat on this bench with my children,
I laughed and posed.
Life was sad..
but the future would be the key!
I believed that all I needed,
was to find some one who loved me,
that every thing would be OK!
I was wrong..
It was not!

Tonight as I sat on this bench.. I wept!
Because now its so much harder!
Because now fun and fancy free, merry go rounds
and whirlwinds...
feel like tornadoes and hurricanes,
threatening to tear me apart!

Tonight...I wept!
Because I cannot go back!
I cannot become the person I was,
before I met evil face to face!
Because where innocence and excitement
used to live,
now resides fear and suspicion!

Tonight...I wept!
Because now I can over come!
and shall..
But, then I did not need to!

Tonight..I mourned!
I felt anger,
for a man
who in his deception
stole my ability
to feel safe in this world!
A man who saw a heart broken woman,
and set out to own her soul..

Tonight...I let go!
I cannot turn back time!
I cannot easily forget!
I cannot pretend that I do not see shadows
where fairies and angels used to play...
But, I can accept
that my fears and my reality are different!
I can accept that hurt will govern my footsteps,
until I stop allowing it too..

Tonight...I took a breath!

My warning label.....

Sometimes I think I should wear
a warning label..
'objects in mirror are more fragile then they appear'.
As I have started to look at my heart
and my fears-
I see that over this past 2 years...
I have become very 'brittle'.

In contrast to who I have been
in past relationships;
giving, open, persistent, quick to forgive...
I am now;
guarded, sensitive, easily hurt...
and when hurt I run!
simple!

As I have not entered into a love relationship-
I can base this on my friendships!
When a friend hurts my feelings,
its as if there is a switch in my heart!
it shuts off!
I could easily never talk to that person again!
knowing this
is the only thing that has saved me
from doing this!

as I begin to reach out more and more..
as I try and let people in..
I want to warn them!
WATCH OUT- I RUN!

A safety valve that protects me from harm,
that was installed way too late
to protect me from damage!
and one that I fear will prevent me
from trust!

I find myself
trusting when boundaries are in place..
I have a dear, single, male friend-
who is not interested in more!
I open up to him!
I trust him!
I let him in!
He lives 3 states away.
So far he is one of the only men
I have let in like that.
and he is safe!
and even he can easily hurt me-
as can each and every person
in my life..

knowing..
and fixing..very different!
knowing
and wanting to fix..
also different!
The more I am OK alone,
the less sure I am
that taking a chance is worth it!

then again,
I wonder if all this self evaluation,
may be a good sign!

Maybe the sound
of a heart
wanting to beat again?

Only time will tell...

my walls...

I wonder some times how many of the walls
I surround my heart with,
are real!
and how many are there without need.

Several months ago
a seemingly, sweet, single Gentleman;
showed interest!
In the course of our conversation
he mentioned disliking Disney world!
such a simple statement..
do you know where my mind went?
I imagined my annual trip
with my kids-
being in jeopardy
if a man I was involved with
did not want it to happen!
and that did it..
the walls came up!

Over the last 2 years,
there have certainly been
some that have shown interest...
I have met many VERY nice men
and walked away
after minutes in their presence-
or short conversations,
thinking;
they were too short-
or too macho-
or too nice-
or too available-
or too busy-
or too serious-
or too light hearted-
or too......

REALLY?
how is that real?
how is that not based on a need
to keep everyone out?
so far its working!!
and in truth,
I am not unhappy!!

As I reflect on the 'Disney' issue-
I see a greater problem!
I see that I still believe
that the person in my life
has power over me!
WHY would I not just continue
my trip with the kids,
with or without the man in my life?
Why do I not assume HE might compromise!
Why does a mans opinion seem to threaten mine?

The walls are here-
they are my protection,
but I have not yet found their key!
I do not know how to tear them down,
or how to have faith that I can be
stronger then my walls!

Some things are non-compromising!
My faith-
I am sold out to Jesus Christ!
He is my first love!
I want to share that with some one!
My kids-
they are part of the package..
My mini-zoo
(this certainly narrows the playing field!)
A man who is a gentleman!
who opens doors,
who carries heavy things,
who respects me enough
to watch his language
and who would expect others around me
to do the same!
(Yes- I am hopelessly old fashioned!)
A man who sees me as a partner not property!
(this speaks for itself!)

But, is there anything else??
Is the rest just an effort to hide-
or is it based in truth?

Ready is no longer a state of my heart and being!
For me it will eventually
become a choice!
The longer I am alone-
the easier it is for me
to stay 'unready'
to hide behind my walls..
and even build more!

Not sure this is a bad thing-
but at least
let me build walls
based in truth-
not fear!
at least let me trust myself
more then I trust my walls...
at least let this TOO
be a growing experience,
and let me become stronger for the fear...

so much new..so much the same

SO, I am back in school!
My first go round was horrendous!
High school was a joke to me-
a place to make friends.
college was not much better!
A defining quality was my 'last minuteness'
with everything!

yesterday I found history repeating itself!
My 2nd class-
assignment was to read the chapters!
problem,
I had yet to buy the book!
trying to balance it all
and this was missed in the shuffle!

SO, off to class I go
early!
to buy the book..
I get to the book store
and out of my bag tumbles
several empty toilet paper rolls !
(I am a preschool teacher by day!)
I ignored the curious glances,
stuffed them back in my bag
and bought my incredibly overpriced book!

Now, to read it...
I stop in the cafeteria,
a few guys playing pool
but quiet other then that!
Until they spoke..
4 letter words I could not define
as part of their vocabulary!
They were not mad, or even making a point!
Just talking!
A generation of men that do not notice
a woman in the room-
or at least see reason to watch their language
around one.
so, off I go.

I finally find the learning center
only to get confused by the signing in and out
and exactly what you can and cannot do in there!
BUT the book got read-
I made it to class...
I survived the night!
and am still excited about the fresh start!
BUT Oh my...
times have changed..
but based on my 'last minuteness'
I guess I have not! :)

thoughts or lack of them...

I am so tired..
but really happy.
Tired is just part of a busy parents life,
busy is part of the package also.
but happy is good.

The kids are adjusting to school,
I love my job!!
we have the schedule under control,
and the house is in order.
Simple- sweet!

I often wonder when I will start wanting more.
and I am often told I will know when I am ready!
I agree-
but, I still wonder!
It still seems to me,
that this little life I have
does not leave room for interruptions-
or distractions.

Maybe that would change-
hmmm..
but, for now,
in this moment-
I am happy to have a job!
Glad able to provide for my kids!
Excited that I look forward to going to work.
And a little shocked that my house is clean...

Life!
a moment!
this moment!
my moment!
Life= just enough!