too tired to think....?

I am in that place...
the bone weary,
need to cry..
aching...
sleepy...
exhausted place!

I know that it is not unique to single moms..or dads..
I know as a full time stay at home mom..
I was often wiped beyond description!

Right now...
I am so tired!!
and trying to balance what needs to be balanced
and learn what to ignore...
I can't do it all!!

By day,
I teach 2 year olds...
I love my job!!
But, nine 2 year olds can be a teensy bit..
draining!!
Then I pick my 3 children up..
ages 11,9 and 7..
Then after an hour at home..
to do homework..
I head out again, with them in tow..
to teach survival swimming
to children ages 1-6..
Then home for dinner..
time with MY own kids...
caring for all the pets:)
baths, bed, dishes, you know the drill!

Tonight before heading out for the 2nd part of my work day.
my 3 children lay relaxing on the couch..
they had done their homework,
put away shoes and backpacks...
and taken care of their own animals...
I looked in the girls room...
drawers were open,
clothes half in...
light was on..
bed unmade..
and I....
Shut the door and looked the other way!!

Its too much!
I honestly don't know how to find the hours..
to do ALL the correction ALL the time..
and how to find the energy to care
if the DRAWER is left open!
They get great grades, are great kids...
cook meals...
are kind (except to eachother LOL)
in fact the principal called me
and their dad
today
to tell us
how great son is doing
in middle school..
how respectful, ect...

So, can't I let some stuff go??
and of so what? when??
how do you find
the balance??
How do you know what you make time for ..
and what you just can't??

Just another part of the learning curve I guess..
But I would like to hear how you do it.....

Jumping with both feet??

I do tend to be an all or nothing
person!
I also tend to take an idea
and run with it...
then sit down and think it through...
I have shared my learning to be alone..
I have never been alone..
1st night away from home..
was at the age of 18..
in the home of my new husband!
Alone is new...

This weekend I went to the beach for a few
hours alone...

and in my true nature of jumping
with both feet..
today I booked a vacation ALONE!!!
To another state....
5 days....
horse riding and books...
thats all I will do..
I will know no one...
I will completely and utterly
By my self!!
in a new place..
doing a new thing...
(can't ride horses in case you wondered!)
ITS HUGE!
and yet I feel such excitement
and such peace!!

I guess jumping in the deep end
is truelly the only way to learn!

rewriting old memories...

I realize that this 'alone' place
that i am learning to be..
is a process...
In the beginning I believed
that being alone
meant sleeping alone. living alone.

But, I am coming to understand
that 'being' alone
has more to do
with the comfort you feel
when no-one else is around.
The ability to things alone
that you would normally do in pairs..or threes!

When I first became a single mom
'completely'
no longer living with parents,
and out of the relationship
I fell into too soon...
I surrounded myself with activity
and friends
on weekend or evenings alone!
I am fine in the home alone..
I think the home is my haven...
I do not dwell on memories
nor do I feel lonely...

But , when I venture out...
when I am surrounded by crowds
that's when the thoughts start,
the memories surface
and the feeling of really being 'alone' hits!

so, I know that I must go beyond my comfort zone
and learn to truly be 'just me'..
I take baby steps..
sometimes a movie..
a flea market...
today I drove the hour plus..
to the beach!
This was vital because the last time
I made this drive
was with a complete family
the night after I found out,
the man I loved deeply..
was just as deeply in love...
with another!
and we went to the beach
as a family..
in an effort to find 'reconciliation'..
it did not work..
and so the drive held many memories..
and the beach itself more...
9 years of family vacations...
snapshots of happy days!

there were 2 things I realised..
one is the happy 'picture perfect' snapshots..
have been rewritten in my mind.
I see the kids playing happily..
that was real...
I see myself watching them with joy..
that was real..
I see my other half involved, in love, excited to be there..
that was not!
I have rewritten happy memories to reflect
what is easier to swallow
as the truth I know now
is hard to accept even in the past!

I also realise that the hurtful memories still hurt!
Even after all this time..
Even knowing it is better this way..
Even having moved past love...
and I know they will always be my memories
a part of my soul..
But each time I face them directly..
and then release them,
the next time they will not hurt as much!
They are all there..
some not yet dealt with
because at the time
they hurt too much
and were pushed to the recess of my mind.
Now that I am stronger
I must deal with them..
knowing each time their effect will be less and less powerful!

and so, today I ventured out!
I moved beyond my safety zone..
I faced some ghosts
and cried over some memories..
But I left with a peace..
knowing that this is the hardest thing I have done.
A dredging of my soul..
But, doing this completely, honestly, deeply and with all the heart and emotion
required..
will leave me complete as a person
No matter who or what the future holds...
the pruning and refining of my heart,
is worth the pain..
for the ultimate release..
and freedom to live without fear...
and loss...
the freedom to live complete and whole...

this 'distraction' really worked...

we had our first visiting day with the cats...
The kittens were meant to be a distraction
from all the changes and uncertainty
in the lives of the children!
I know they don't 'fix ' it..
but they do remind them that all change is not bad!!

It was a really fun day..
the cats are adorable..
BUT so mischievous!!
I forgot!!
Kittens are like tiny two year olds....
and these little guys are still really small...
which is why we are 'visiting'
not yet keeping them...

I rescued them from INSIDE the couch
once...
and we followed them around closely
after that!!!
Thankfully they sleep alot!!
Lots of cuddles..

I had to run my son somewhere..
kittens had to be left home..
30 minutes max!
So I secured the bathroom..
and left them with a shut door..no escape!
I come home...
opened the still shut door,
and NO KITTIES!!
anywhere!!
Not in the tub..
not halfway up the shower curtain..
not in the cabinets!
THEY WERE GONE!!
as you can imagine my daughters
and I did not know what to think....
and in exasperation we were silent...
and heard
'meow'........
coming from the
WALLS!!!!!!!!

The kittens had found a tiny space
between the cabinet and the underneath baseboard
and climbed in to the space
between the cabinet and the wall!!!

I have only recently learnt
how to put oil in my car..
and still don't know the names
of the different screwdrivers!!
Handy work OF any kind
is not exactly my strength!!
I panicked...
a little..
OK alot!!
with my hands I took the baseboard off..
and managed to fit my arm in the tiny space
and drag those little hissing bundles of trouble
out of the wall!!

They were fine..
Kind of crabby that I interrupted their fun!!
Still cute as can be!!

Whew...
first day!!
can't even imagine what the next visiting day
will bring!!! :)
But whatever it is..
can't wait!

it really is for the kids..

Last night I shared my heart,
and the comments meant a lot...

When all is said and done
it is for the kids!

I never wanted them to go through this...
but if they have too..
then I have to do what I can
to make it less of a hell then it could otherwise be,

They don't yet get it..
they still do not see..
the sacrifice behind the smile...
But, I know that one day they might,
and regardless they don't have to take sides..
they can talk about their father to me..
they can talk about me to him,
and as for the women that stole his heart..
before it was 'technically' up for grabs...
They can love her too...

because, one day the decision
will not be between people..
it will be between choices, and character...
while they will never have to choose between us...
one day they will choose whose example to follow..

So, as I plod along..
one step at a time..
knowing that younger, prettier and more fun..
will always seem more 'lively' to little girls and boys..
steadfast , honest and true..
is more appealing to grown woman and men!

It seems so many share this choice
and have made steps in their lives to make this happen!
I am so grateful for the comments
and encouragment...
and to know that there are so many
wearing my shoes...
and many more who have shed the old pair..
and are onto the new..
thankyou!

Life single...

So many things you cannot prepare for..
tonight was my daughters school play!
First school event...
of course, this means...
all attend!
Me...
their dad....
and his girlfriend!
And while I like her...
and While him and I are on
friendly terms..
I wonder if the feeling
of 'just something being off'.....
will ever go away!

When they walk out the door with my children,
me following a few paces behind..
will it ever not look like a photograph gone wrong..
as if somehow the picture got mixed up with someone
elses...

Its not about feelings...
its about whats seems natural I guess,...
and I guess I am still in the acceptance stage
in some of this!

I would not go back for anything...
the lessons I have learnt
and the person I am today
were worth every single tear
that ever dropped upon my cheek!!

But, I still look at the kids
and feel they belong to 'us'..
not him (and sort of her...)
and me!

I know also,
that this is a difficult process..
no matter how good it is!
No matter how much I like
the girlfriend..
No matter how much I appreciatte
how good she is to them..
When from the stage they wave...
to get her attention,
not mine...
it hurts!! Can't help it!!
I realize I share their hearts!
I am not protective of that!
They matter enough for me to want
the best in all parts of their life.
I find joy in the happiness they feel
in both their homes...
and yet still...
this was my 'spot'...
I was the only 'mother' figure...
moving over...
even just a little...
is not as easy as it sounds!!:)

All part of the process...
All part of the struggle..
and All part of the journey
that will bring me to a better
tomorrow....

Names and family pictures!!

Well, we are just a a week away
from bringing our new family members home!
We do get to visit often tho!!

I also figured I would take this chance
to introduce my family..
my heart beats...
often my reason and purpose;
for overcoming, surviving and thriving in spite of circumstances!

This is my Son....I am deeply proud of his tender heart!! He has such a sweet spirit! These are my girls... They are both gentle and spicy in their own ways! My middle daughter is such a help to me!! and very much like me... my youngest daughter is all sass and smiles! I am deeply blessed!!

And then there are the twins...

who now have names...

thanks to Diane!!!!!!

Gilligan and Skipper!!

Thanks for being a part

of the fun...

the start of the journey..

and the beginning of whats to come .......

Freedom of choice...

There is so much I am learning
about who I am!
Things I might have learnt sooner
if I was not so busy trying to please..
someone I loved!

I have learnt that I am strong willed!
I have also learnt that its OK!!
I have learnt that I need to be connected to my parents...
and that's OK too!!
I gave that up once....for love...allowed limits..
where limits did not belong!
I now realise how vital
a simple connection
is to my very state of being!

I have learnt that I need freedom of choice.
Even small choices, sometimes....
I need my choices to count!
I need freedom in how I spend my money..
again..not in big ways...
bills dictate a lot:)
but $10 at a flea market goes a long way...
and never again will I give over all my 'will'...
in this area!

I have learnt that I need time alone...
not always...
but sometimes!
I need to think, feel, cry or relax
without pressure to please or cater too
anyone but me....

I need time with my kids!
I need family time!
I need outings..
and movie nights..
and game night!
I need to be a mom...
first and foremost in this season of my life..


I have learnt that I need girlfriend time!
I need martinis and coffee..
(altho not always at the same time LOL.)
BUT I need that!
It is not a luxury...
it is part of my make up
and when I gave up my friends..
to make another happy!
I lost a part of me....


I have learnt that I need some measure of chaos!
Some thrive in order...
with schedules...
and day planners...
I need those things because they are a necessary evil..
but I thrive on the last minute trip!
The dinner decided on 5 minutes ago...
the trip to the beach just because its nice out...
I need to be spontaneous...
it brings me joy...
I need junk drawers in each room....
the organized chaos that makes my home function..
is also part of my makeup!
And I no longer believe that it is anything other
then what it should be!!


I have also learnt that I need animals!
I don't just like them and enjoy them..
they speak to my soul!
they are part of what brings me joy!
Again, I saw this before as an area of me
that i could ignore,
let go...for the sake of another!
NOW I see the fact that
'the other' will need to be more of me
in this area...
or I would rather be alone...

I thrive on my passions..
my Lord is my passion..
my children are my passion...
my family is my passion...
my friends are my passion...
and animals are my passion...
so, if a man once again becomes my passion...
He will have to, this time, share or accept my passions..
as I no longer believe that i should let go of me..
to meet another only on their terms!

so...all this soul searching and new found freedom

has led me to add some new family members...
our home , as is,
consists of
1 mom,
3 kids
1 Yorkie
1 tortoise
1 rabbit
4 hermit crabs
4 fish..

Pictured above,
our newest additions..
THE TWINS!!

now...please help us name them!
They are boys...
and we are on hunt for names as cute as them!

Welcome to my fresh start...

This is Sam!
I bought sam at the flea market
yesterday!
I spent $5 on him,
but the person who sold him
suspected there was value he did not see!
I was beyond thrilled!
Immediatly I knew Sam represented something bigger then it seemed!

Welcome to my home..
welcome to my life...
welcome to my fresh start!

Sam is the first Item bought,,
for the first home the children and I
have ever lived alone in..
from start to finish...
the first home I have ever been responsible for..
the breadwinner within!

Sam is the start...
and yet there is so much more that shall follow
I know there will be moments that all will seem lost..
and I know when climbing out a hole
you sometimes fall back in..

But, its a start!
and a good one...

so welcome to my life...
take your shoes off..
get comfortable..
stay as long as you like!
I am not going anywhere...
and thats quite alright with me!

HARD to take as a mom....

Yesterday my son and I
had a moment..
not a good one..
and one I am still spinning from.

To start...
its been a tough few years!
and he has some anger!
and, while I believe in respect..
I also believe in honesty..
and he blew!

I had a bad day!
No great excuse..
just alot of stress!
and truelly my kids were not being angels..
and I blew!
I yelled and lectured...
and yelled and lectured some more.

The tension was high!
My son was gritting his teeth
as he 'yes maamed',
and truelly then, whats the point??

So, when I confronted him on his anger
and spoke to his reaction..
he blew.
He said, you are yelling..
and you know we have had a bad life...
(bit of an exaggeration...)
and then...
the moment that blew my mind...
Maybe this is why papa left!!

Truelly, a knife in my heart would have hurt less...
my girls started crying..
"mom", they said,
"thats not true!"
"Girls, I know!
He is angry, let him be..."

I walked away..
I cried!!
yes, I am stressed!
BUT no, thats not why his dad left..
can he not see it is the exact opposite!
His dad did not leave because I yell,
I yell because his dad left!

AND NO loosing my temper is not OK!!
and it was not to the extreme..
it just hit us all in a moment..
when all seemed too much!
it passed quickly!
But, the comment did not!

and heres what I am left with????
For 9 years of my sons life
I stayed home, homeschooled and raised him
and his sisters!
Sure, I got over it sometimes,
I was not perfect!
BUT I was a good mom!
His papa would say that,
even as he walked out the door...
even as he left me,
he told me what a great mother I had been...
We read books for hours,
and waterpainted in the park!
We talked and cuddled..
we had family game night and family movie night...
then his dad left..
and I spun my wheels
then remarried..
and for a year worked too much!
I still homeschooled,
but worked alot...
hurt alot..
fought alot..
and lost alot...
then I left...
and now I am trying to find our 'place' in this new world!
And I read to them..
spend time with them..
love them and talk to them..
but I work now..
they go to school now..
I am stressed sometimes now...

and I wonder...

when they grow up..
what will they remember??

will they remember the times I gave all I had?
or the moments when I gave too much and broke?
Will they remember blowing bubbles in the grass?
or me going to work early in the morning??
will they remember the good?
or only the bad?
will they always wonder if I drove their dad away?
or will they understand I gave all I was...
and loved completely??

I wonder....

There are lessons in the moment...
certainly, I am stressed
and regardless of the behaviour
must control my tongue
as must they...
but beyond that..

how do you move beyond the truth
of harbored hurt and resentment....
within the soul of your son?
how do you proove what is..
without destroying what must be!

How do I know..
that my legacy will be my love?
and not my misteps?????

I wonder.........

Changes that come through hurt

on my heart has been
changes...
and how much I have changed,
and in how many ways
I am no longer who I used to be!

Then on a blog site tonight
that I follow and enjoy
(matteroffact)
a question was posted
that tied in to
so much on my heart!

the question;
how many people do you like to be around?
groups, a few, ect..
and my answer is so sad,...sometimes!

groups leave me vulnerable...
and lonely!
and a few people
leave me feeling naked and exposed!

Its not how many these days;
its who!
I am safe with those who know me
love me
and accept me!
I am safe with those who
know enough
that I can pick up with a fresh hurt
or return to an old one!
I am safe with those
who know enough
to not need to know more...
and so I find
that I ,who once, thrived on groups
and people and friends..
now needs to be safe
in the company of others!

I am blessed
in that I have those
safe friendships!
I have family members
that just let me be me...
who listen and love...
and ask only what I can answer
in this moment..
knowing that in the next moment it might change!

I have single friends
I have married friends..
I am even, for the first time ever,
developing some male freindships!
BUT, all are safe!
and all are slow..
and all are taken a step at a time..
because for the first time in my life
the world no longer looks
as safe as it used too..
and groups represent
an unknown..
and for now
unknown
is better left alone....

why blog??

I am using my blog as a journal..
its personal and open
in every way!
I do not always explain the circumstance behind each post..
but I am writing for me
more than others.
I am writing to find healing
and health!
BUT I also write knowing
there are others
hurting.
there are others
who cannot tell each person they meet
why there circumstances are what they are..
or how much they believed things would be different!
There are others whose worlds
were turned upside down..
and others who have experienced
a prison within a home...
There are others whose hearts
have been broken by lost love..
and still others whose soul has been wounded
by very real fear...
and so I write
to share my journey
for me...
a way to sort out my thoughts
and emotions...
and a way to learn from those who comment and have been there too..
and I write for those
who need the healing also..
who need to know they are not alone..
who need to hear from someone
who knows what it is to fall hard..
and far..
and to crawl back
only to loose your grip
and to fall once more..
this time harder, further
causing more damage
to an already bruised heart!
I write to learn..
and I write to share..
and as I write
I have come to see
how healing the simple act
of journaling is.
its a small step
for one whose hurting..
but its a step that will bring about
the greatest strength
and reflection.
I blog...
because I care..
I blog..
because I need to know you care too...

Second time single..first time freed!

I have so much to hurt over..
as do many!
BUT I have so much to be grateful for!

this is my second go round...
I have had only 2 loves in my life..
only 2 relationships.
Both became 'forevers'
yet neither stood the test of time.

Both were so different
and while both left footprints on my heart
one left in its wake..
fear, trepidation, awareness and deep relief.

The first time I found my self single..
I did not want to be there.
the state of being single
was the trap.
I did not want to be alone..
I liked love,
I liked relationships,
I liked being married.

Then I experienced being trapped in a different way.
being in a marraige
that was not what it seemed..
being with a person
bent on dominance and control..
and I felt trapped in ways I cannot explain.
I could not breathe..

My second time single
feels like freedom personified.
I feel alive again,
I feel light
as if a heaviness has been taken from my back,
I feel refreshed;
as if my airway has reopened
and I can gulp in the outside air
once again.

I drink in this state of being
and know that I am lucky!
I was strong enough to get away..
loved enough by others
to have a place to turn...
hurt enough by my past
to not have given all of me...
and because of all of this
I could run
and start fresh...

I can look at my children
and feel deeply grateful
for the choice I made.
and I can live my life
knowing there is worse
then being alone...
and I know what it feels
to loose your freedom
and I know the exhiliration
of finding it again....

For all that and more..
I am deeply thankful!

A different kind of heartbreak.. for mothers everywhere

I had my heart broken today...
but this heart break is not because of a lost love.
This is because of a love so deep and true
and a truth that I cannot avoid.

I have a son...
he is amazing!
We all know our kids are special..
we all remember all their firsts...
and we know they were meant to be ours!

This son of mine...
is different!
He does not flow....
He cannot connect...
and my heart hurts!

My son is so smart!
He has always been a little different in that way!
I have 2 bright daughters!
but my son,
was different...
reading at 2...
Knowing things by 14 months that most learn at 3..
BUT he did not make eye contact!!

He knew how to spell his name by 18 months...
but made a funny humming sound when I read to him...

As he grew, I noticed some things...
but not others!
He was always more to himself.
Never very talkative..
He has always been a 'reader'...
But it took someone else to point out
his 'monotone' voice.
He truelly reminds some of forest Gump
and in a nice way..
he just is who he is.

he has a lisp..
but worse...
he has ticks!
When he gets stressed,
he hums, or blinks, or licks his lips..

But, he is beautiful and intelligent and kind..
but different...
The DR. said it was 'geek' syndrome.
he does think in a different realm..
(and yes I was offended)
But, I am watching him grow..
he is almost 12
and I know its something more!

My son does not flow!
He is out of synch with his world!
and as he gets older
and friends get picky...
I watch him and know
he is lonely!
and as I write
the tears drop onto the keyboard
because I cannot fix this
and in my heart I know..
and have always known..
that something is
Different!

Today, I watched him at a school outing
I watched him ignored
and invisible...
I watched him hurt
and I knew that he needed me
to be his companion
and so often I am!
So often I know
that I am his mom
but I am also his only friend!
and I know that I see in him
traits that no-one else does
unless they try!

When he tries to connect
in his out of synch way
he is awkward or rude or sullen
and yet I know
that he holds small animals
with a tenderness that alot of 11 year old boys would not...
I know that he opens doors
and gives up his seats for ladies...
I know he will not take the last of ANYTHING
if he thinks I might want it!...
I know he has a heart of gold
but does not know how to express it!
I know that this child of mine
was meant for me...
I know that I love him in the deepest recesses of my soul
and would take this burden from him...
I know that his quirks
have kept me up nights
as I want to save him from hurts
and bullies....
I know that I want nothing less
then a world that sees him as I do
and I know
that he is different...

and right in this moment
as much as I love him
for who he is..
and accept him..
and adore him...
my heart is breaking....

I have lost 2 men...
I have hurt deeply...
but in this moment
hurting for my son....
my soul is torn to pieces
my heart is black with grief...


But I know the story does not end here..
As I think of the holiday this week;
and all it signifies
and know there is one
who watched his son hurt
and watched his son bullied
and knew his son had a burden to bear.
I know there is one who can handle my hurt,
and who can care for my son..
better then I can...
and I know that I have no other options
but to let go and let God.


Dear Heavenly father..
please watch out for my son
please father I commit him into your hands....
I cannot do this alone!

How am I?? ..I wish I knew!

Its a loaded question...
to a loaded heart!

Sometimes I am happy!
Sometimes I am confused!
Sometimes I am strong!
Sometimes I am overwhelmed!
Sometimes I find life delightful!
Sometimes I want to run away!

And today;
I am all of these!

Trauma, hurt, brokeness, pain, grief...
it leaves you shattered.
The broken pieces of you
rejoin as one.
You are now whole..
but you are not!
and each of these pieces
has a heart of its own!
and each of these pieces
feel different things...

slowly, the shattered pieces merge..
and some connect as one!
The piece of your heart that was raw and broken
merges as one with the piece of your heart that holds hope.
Now you hope...but with less innocence.
The piece of your heart that was angry and bitter
merges with the piece of your heart that is strong and determined..
and you overcome....but with a heavier burden to carry then before..

and bit by bit..
your broken heart
merges with your soul..
and you begin to heal
but you are not the same...
and you are filled with emotions
and thoughts
and fears
that you never knew existed.

And beneath your smile
and beneath your strength
lies your humaness...

and sometimes somedays
its all you can do
to hear your heart
and listen to the cries of your broken pieces
and find the strength to let the person you were
and the world you used to see
shine through
in spite
of the world you now know to be!

the healing in sharing...

Each day bring new health
and new hurts
and new healing!

Today the healing came
in the form
of a friend.
She has been where I am!
And she came out of it stronger!
and while she is no longer there...
she is not rushing me out of it!

I am sometimes struck
that people see 'single'
as a temporary place of being...
a place that should be remedied and fixed!
and yet 'single' is exactly where I need to be!

I need to be single and healthy
before I can even consider
'coupled' and healthy!
In truth I have yet to experience either.

And until I know why
I was so accepting of the 'iffy'
in my 'coupled' days..
I cannot trust that I am healthy enough
to not repeat the past!

So today..
being with a heart sister
who has walked my path,
shared my journey,
taken a different path
but still believes I am exactly where I need to be.
was encouraging, healing, motivating...
a calgon bath for my heart!!

My step is lighter
and all I needed
was to talk soul to soul
with a woman who has worn
the very shoes
that are currently on my feet!

Glad we can all laugh...

My kids tonight had a group counseling meeting..
I had a support meeting at the same time.

When we all meet back up
we have so much to say!

Tonight they wanted to know would I marry again?
"Wow...well...hmm...ummm...
I don't know!
Can't say no, tho!"

My son says
"well, its ok if you do, I just would like to have a few words with him first."
"Well, of course guys!!" I say
They all then tell me what they would say,
how their mom should be treated
and what they will stand for,
and what they will not!
(very cute actually.)

So, I say,
" you guys do not need to fear. Mom has learnt alot,
and you guys will get to speak your mind too! you will have
power in this and a say."
I went on..
" when I come to you and say, I have met some one I like.."
My 9 year old says " when you say you've met 'the one?'"..
(hold on ..its coming...)
She then said (in a cutesy, sassy 9 yo voice) " although It would not be the first 'the one',
or the second 'the one',
it would be the third 'the one'..."
Ok..she had me... it was funny!
We all laughed!

Am I really getting ribbing from my 9 yo???
Yup...and it felt good!:)