Divorce is NOT between 2 people...

A friend of mine
brought up an interesting point recently..
she mentioned that she was glad I had forgiven,
but she was having a harder time..
not with HER situation,
she is happily married.
But, with mine.
It felt personal to her.
She had loved my ex..
as many did..
she was sad and hurt..
even betrayed.

This is so true.
I see it so often..
and I see it in my life.
Those that love me
and watched me hurt,
those that knew my ex
and felt like they lost
someone important to them..
they have not moved on
as easily as I have.

Why?
I have thought about this alot,
and here is what I have.
when it happens to you
you live it daily..
every moment.
There is not a moment of an hour of a day,
that you do not remember
or hurt
or cry
or think
or mourn
or wish
or pray!
Your hurt is all you do
and all you are.
And so,
you have to face it!
You have no choice,
you either get lost in the pain,
or you learn from it
and begin to move on.

However, those around you,
hurt and cry and mourn..
but they are still living their lives.
They can not put their marraiges, families
and lives on hold
to face and deal with YOUR crisis...
and so instead they face it in moments!
They face it when they see you
or speak with you,
and they remember.
and then they hurt..
as if it just happened.
For them there is not the closure
or the time.

In addition when YOU
are facing this,
you read books,
take classes,
get therapy..
YOU know you are in crisis
and you react accordingly.
Those who love you,
support you
and help you
without realising they are in crisis too.
They have loved
and they have lost.

I have no words of wisdom,
but I know that divorce does not only affect the couple.
It breaks hearts in every direction...
it severes families,
and ends friendships.
Divorce is a force of nature
that leaves devastation in its wake.
And the only solution,
is time..
and reality..
and communication..
and the grace to know,
that those who love you
are hurting too!!
and may need YOU to support them
when you are healthy enough
to lend an ear, a heart and a hand!

A , maybe unexpected, yet appropriatte acknowledgement

This post is a little different..
it is an actual acknowledgment
to the man who left me..
and whom I loved once deeply..!

There was much that hurt me,
that I have blogged..
but there was much that
I am grateful for,
that I have not blogged
as much!!

With this man
who owned my heart;
I had 3 children.

for 9 years
I stayed home with these children.
I was with them every day,
I took them to the park,
and play dates.
I spent days at the zoo
and climbing trees
with them.
We met their dad
at the park for lunch,
we met friends at McDonalds
and the library...
it was heaven on earth!

for 9 years I lived my dream..
I was a full time mommy and wife.
I never had to miss a moment,
or a tear.
I read to my children as often as they wanted,
I went to all their events..
they never came second to anything!
They never heard the words;
"sorry, mommy can't."
for 9 years I was able to pour my soul
into my children..

and now,
as a working mom..
who still loves her children as much..
but who now understands shuffling priorities
and the balancing act that life now demands;
I understand the rare gift that I had.
I now know that those daytime moments
of swinging in the park
were a blessing..
a stolen moment!
and those moments
were made possible by their dad!!

Of all the gifts over the years..
the jewelry and flowers,
the kisses and trips..
the gift of time with THEM
is the greatest gift he ever gave.

I believe its why even now
after all that's happened
and the hurt
and the moments that I still cry..
I still love!
Its not the love that comes
with a lifetime commitment..
or the love that makes your skin prickle..
its a love that carries deep thankfulness,
and a love that sees the good
and remembers the best..
and understands that you can never
take
the moments
that define us..
away!
they are ours!!

So to this man..
this man I loved once deeply!
Thank you
for the moments with our children
that have defined me..
and I hope
have helped define them too!

one year...and truly time heals..

This was my post from a year ago...
And I have overcome it!
It still rings true..
I still remember,
but no-longer am I in the place I was.

Sunday, March 29, 2009
Not lonely..lacking purpose

I realised something important..
I have been thinking about why
sometimes I love being alone
and sometimes I feel sad alone.

I thought that meant I was lonely,
and Yet my heart ache is so fresh
that the desire to start new
is non-existant!

I have a very supportive family
3 wonderful children
and am blessed with the most amazing friends..
so, lonely did not seem to fit!

I know what it is!
When I am productive I have purpose!
I know my place
my role
where I fit in the world.
After a day at work,
I get my kids,
I manage my home
and prepare for the next day...
when alone time comes it is welcomed!
It has a purpose;
to refresh
relax.....regain strength to do it all over again!

When I am heading somewhere,
meeting someone..
planning something...
I have a plan!
My footing is sure!

The sadness?
its more a feeling of being lost!
Not lonely,
but we are not taught the difference.
We assume we are lonely and look to fill the void..
with someone..
when instead we feel lost
because we are unsure
in the moment
of our purpose
and should look to fill the void
with something instead..
even understanding!

Expecting the feeling..
knowing that an aimless sunday
when the kids are at their dads,
friends are busy,
work is done...
will bring a loss of direction;

I will not be caught of gaurd!
I can learn to over come it,
and I believe I will..
but in the meantime I can beat it..
plan around it..
or just meet it head on!
But I will know which feeling has overcome me
and not mistake it for another..

the first step for me
in not repeating mistakes
of the past!

its easier to adapt to the circumstances then the changes!

Over the past 3 -4 years so much has changed.
Actually almost everything has changed.
I have come to know
that I have adjusted better to the new circumstances
then to the changes that the circumstances have brought.

I adjusted to going to work...
but I still struggle with the friends I no longer see
as a result of that change.
I struggle with the field trips I no longer go on...
and I struggle with the time that is no longer there.
I do not resent my job,
nor being a working mom!
I just wish everything had not changed...

I have adjusted to being a single mom..
I have adjusted to raising children from a broken home..
I have adjusted to their being in two homes
with 2 separate parents....
but the changes that they reflect I struggle with!
The anger that still comes out
and likely always will..
The confusion they will express in moments..
That is all a change from the happy go lucky children they once were.

I have adjusted to my new life..
I am glad to be here,
and learning daily how to survive.
BUT, there is no doubt that divorce
brings changes!
and they are changes you do not always
expect;
and changes you can do nothing about.
From the loss of support groups
and play dates,
and even 'couple' friends..
or the loss of luxuries like pedicures
and dinners out..
or the deep loss of security within
the hearts of your children...
its the changes that take the longest
to accept!

long after your circumstances have become a second skin
and you cannot remember life 'before'..
the 'changes' will keep reminding you,
of all that you have been through
to arrive at the moment
you are living with in, now!

not the blind side..the right side

My kids and I watched a wonderful movie
tonight.
The blind side!
I normally would not rent a PG-13 movie
for them.
I was nervous
but happily surprised!
An amazing movie!

The thing that struck me the most
as I was watching,
was how often my kids said
"mom you are just like her".
(her being the Sandra bullock character)
She took in this young man and gave him a home.
My kids know I believe in compassion.

Watching the movie
hearing them often exclaim,
"mom you would so do that"..
made me realize I don't just believe in compassion
I live it!
enough for my kids to see a 'compassionate person'
and think of me!
and that is IN SPITE of all the WRONG examples I set!
Goodness there are enough of those!

As moms (and I am sure dads too)
and especially as single, working (read guilty) moms
we see so much of what we do wrong!
we see the moments we are irritable,
or tired,
or late!
We see the moments we forgot something
or blew something off because we were so done!
We see all the bad..
we worry about the 'legacy' we are leaving..
we worry about the time we are giving our kids,
and the impact we are having on them.

Tonight helped me see
kids see past our circumstances
and straight to the core of who we are!
They know the real us,
our flaws and our failures!
But, they watch us enough
to know our love and our sacrifice...
the legacy we leave
may not be time,
fancy vacations,
or even constant availability..

its a legacy of love
that gives even when its bled dry..
and then gives some more!
They see that..
when we think they are not looking
they are reading our hearts!

BRILLIANT!!!

So my son..
is so..
well,
amazingly out of sync with the world!
I will not label why,
There needs to be no reason!
he is who he is
without apology!
He sees the world in black and white
and calls it as he sees it!
No filters...
But, to date..
most wise expression
he has used,
without irony..
complete truth to him..
was a conversation that went like this;
we were talking about girls
and how it took work to figure them out..
I said
"you like puzzles and using your brain"..
he said
"I like logic puzzles, logic puzzles come with clues
to help you solve them.
girls don't!"

and there you have it!!

He is 12 and yet wise in ways I cannot describe..
and yet cannot remember where he put his pencil,
or his scout book
or..well, you know , most anything!!
But, his ability to live life without filters
amazes me!
Today
I asked him a question.
he very seriously responded;
"mom, would you like me to tell you what you want to hear?
or would you like me to tell you the truth?"

I WISH the whole world
was OUT of sync!
What a Brilliant and Beautiful
place it would be!

less is so much more..

As a single mom,
I am learning day by day
that I need so much less
then I ever thought!

I remember in years;
and what feels like lifetimes,
past..
looking to move
and having a list of things
that were needed
in a home..
walk in closets,
garden tubs,
sidewalks,
neighborhoods,
pantrys,
storage..
yada yada yada!
and at the time..
they mattered!

But, now?
now..
we have no tub...
and we have very little storage
and we have no sidewalks
and we have few closets let alone one we can walk in!
But, I am taking it a step further,
We live in a 3 bedroom home.
I have 3 kids.
and all of these kids
want a place of their own.
and guess what?
I have a place of my own.
its my home...
it my kids...
they are my heart!
My room?
walls surrounding a bed...
to my daughter a haven!
to me?
a simple good bye!

I am not doing any thing special..
I am moving to the pull out couch
to buy some peace..
I am giving my girls
their own rooms..
space for their things...
room to be individuals...
control in an out of control life...
stability in a confusing world.
so simple..so big..such a luxury..
but one, of few, that I can provide!

Doing this is not such a big deal..
mothers give up things daily for their children,
they give their lives..
their souls..
this is just a bed!

Its not about the action,
its about the realization;
we are surrounded by so much
that means so little.
and yet what we give and share
is what brings us peace.
its the moments we give away
and cause a smile
that feel like home in our hearts.

Downsizing has never felt so wonderful..
nor brought me more joy!
and ultimately I hope, more joy for the two little girls
I love so much who can now 'poster' away their rooms!:)
being a 'single mom'
feels really good right now!:)

parenting defining us TOO much?

Recently when I was going through
an overwhelming moment,
many people around me;
single and married parents..
spoke to the same frustrations.
Kids getting older,
and the emotions and sometimes confusion
that can come with that!

It made me reflect of how 'open' we are
as parents..
or actually how not 'open' we tend to be.
As if we are afraid that by admitting
that we sometimes 'just don't know'..
we will seem like bad parents!

Recently I was speaking to a woman
I have not seen in a while.
Through the course of conversation
she shared a struggle she was having with her child!
a reasonably serious one.
I asked if she had talked to her 'support' moms..
and she said she was afraid too!
They all seem to have it so together!!
What would they think of her?

There is one thing I have learned these last 3 years...
NOTHING is at it seems!
EVERYONE struggles!
No mother or father..
wife or husband..
is perfect!
and if your child has done it,
someone elses child has done it too!!!

I wish we would share more.
be more real!
Our children are a reflection of us, sure!
But, they are also a reflection of their enviroment,
their temperament,
their gifts,
their weakness's...

We can help a child get good grades
with encouragement and support..
but a straight A student does that ALONE!
Just as we can provide the same support
for a struggling student with different results!
Only credit we can claim
is the encouragement of our children
to soar with THEIR wings,
to the areas of life
they were meant to fly!!

children are great at sports
or not..
They are gifted in art,
or not..
they can sing and dance,
or not ...
they are brainiacs,
or not ...
they are kind and giving,
or not...
Those are their gift! NOT OURS!
And children have free choice
to rebel or to defy!
We provide the boundaries,
the training,
the love,
the support,
the listening ear
and the consequences!
But, their choices do not define us!

And yet,
we let them!
we want to pretend all is well..
and struggle in silence
rather then look like a bad mother!
We speak up
when someone else opens the door..
but its always open!
We are all in this together!
life is hard!
BUT the hope is the hand that grabs yours
and says.."I am there too"!!

Climbed outside of my box!

I spoke in my last post
about feeling overwhelmed!
It certainly is better
and yet the circumstances remain unchanged!
My attitude is the key.

In addition I took small 'actions' that soothed my soul.
I cut back on the chaos of the weekend
and spent Friday night
alone..
on the couch..
with thai food!
I needed this breather!

I then committed to an event
tonight
I have always wanted to do,
I have just never felt secure
enough in me to take the chance.
I joined a group of animal advocates
who were protesting a local circus!
This post is not about my beliefs on that....
it is, instead, about the freedom I now feel,
to follow my heart!
Passion is part of who I am!
I believe ONE person can make a difference!
I LIVE OUT LOUD and don't hide who I am.
But, for a long time..
I was a chameleon!
Becoming who I needed to be
in moments,
to please those I loved!
I stifled my hopes and dreams
as I know that for some they are too much!
So, tonight I stepped out of my comfort zone
and into my circle of me!

Simple things...
one choice to be alone
the other to be 'aloud'
but, both a reflection of knowing
when to step back!
and when to stand up!
and who I am in the midst of the storm
and the calm!
and the choice I have made to be authentically me,
flaws and all,
regardless of the circumstances!

weary to my core...

so sometimes,
this single mom thing?
well, its really hard!

Its hard every day..
but some days, most days, I am content.
I understand where I am and why.
I understand that things could be worse.
I accept my circumstances
and feel joy in the moments;
not all, but most.

and then some days...
some days break me.
some days,
the emotions of my teens-to-be,
and the demands of the home,
and the bills that really should be paid,
and the list of things that I would do
IF I HAD TIME...
just pile on.
and all of a sudden,
I am tired to my bones,
sad to my core...
crying in the shower..
and ready to curl under a blanket,
and maybe never come out.

I know this will pass,
I have walked this path a while.
But, in this moment
the job of being a good mom,
of understanding the anger and hurt in my kids,
of wishing I had wise words
when sometimes I can hardly form a complete sentence;
I am so frustrated.
Of overseeing the school work,
and the tiffs with friends
and the crushes..
and doing all this while working fulltime,
and giving myself to my job as well..
and somehow in all of this keeping a clean-enough home,
and remembering when the bills are due....

and then at the end of the day
looking back on all that happened,
the good..
the moments I gathered myself and 'parented with purpose'.
the bad..
the moments I said things I wish I had not or tuned out instead of in.
the overwhelming....
the moments that I realise just how hard this is.
and reflecting on all this
without a partner to share the joys and pain.
without someone to take over when its all too much,
or to just give me a hug when my heart hurts.
I might not want a relationship right now,
but I miss another parent sometimes.

their other parent;
he is involved.
He would be a phone call away if needed,
he no longer shares my heart
he shares the kids and their hearts..
but no-one shares the moments.
and some days,
days like today
that makes me feel sad and alone in this aspect of the journey!!

tomorrow I will be reminded that life is good.
tomorrow I will remember that I can do this.
tomorrow I will understand that my life is full.
today, its all I can do to get through until tomorrow.

who would have thought it??

I have goals..
and dreams.
and they are mine alone.

Sure, I have hopes for my kids..
and visions of what I would like for the 'family'..
but I have discovered
that I know what my 'dreams' look like.
And the biggest part?
Its not about another.
My dreams are mine..
alone..or in a partnership.

No more basing my hearts desires
on who I love,
and what they want.

I know life changes..
I get that..
But, why not work towards living my life,
the way I WANT to live it.

and how is that??
I want a LITTLE home..
I want a small but decent amount of land.
I want a pool..
(to teach lessons in)
and a horse..
maybe for the same thing..
but completely,
for me.
I want chickens,
I want a barn that can house all the stray cats that wonder our way.
I want orange trees..
and a garden.

This would make me happy.
Its not where I work,
or what I do..
or who I am!
its where I live.
A part of the whole..
but one day I would like
that part
to represent more of the whole of me..

and now that I know that,
and understand that I am not waiting for someone else
to come along,
and help me decide what my desires might be..
I can move in the direction
of my 'dreams'..
and just knowing that,
makes my heart smile!

there is an art to being a single mom..

the greatest complaint
single moms have
is often no money..
and equally as often no time...
there is no real cure for either.
But, I am learning there
are ways around at least one of them.
I am learning the art of bartering.
old fashioned...
and yet imperative
as a struggling, single mother.

One of the wonderful opportunities
my children have 'bartered' for
is horse riding lessons.
they will be learning the ropes of the farm,
grooming,tacking,mucking...
and my son will even be building.
In exchange they will be taught to ride,
and even have the chance to assist the trainer
when she give riding lessons down the road.

I am excited for them.
But, also grateful that they are learning now
that not all priveleges can be bought,
not all are affordable...
but life is possible.
look for it,
work for it...
earn it,
love it...
and know that these moments are out there
you just have to go find them,
or at the very least be willing to say yes
when they come your way!

the one place we cannot escape...

our dreams.

One of the comments on my last post,
reminded me
of a huge aspect
of the journey of letting go.
our dreams..
the place we are,
the gage that tells us if we are as healthy as we say,
the measure of our secret fears and hopes.

For 16 months
I have had a reoccuring dream.
In this dream I was back
with the man I had run from.
and each time I realized that some how
I would have to run all over again.
Anyone who has ever left someone
who is controlling AND angry;
knows you cannot just announce your choice
and walk out...
its not that simple.
So leaving
was the single most hardest, scariest, life impacting
thing I have ever done.
Which says alot as my first divorce
was the most heart shattering event
that I ever imagined could happen.

To this day
I can tell you how many months AND days it has been since I left this man.
it is an anniversary of a VERY traumatic moment.
Not because it broke my heart,
but because it required facing a very dark person,
in an equally dark moment.

And so,
sometimes my dreams revisit this moment.
I would dream I was back..
I was trapped..
and some how I had to do it all over again.
And in each dream
the feeling of NOT being able to face it,
not having the strength to do that once more
was strong.
And yet the knowledge that I must find a way,
that I could not stay;
was even stronger.
And deep within the folds of the dream was the despair.
I would wake shaken
and the dream would stay with me all day.

Before I wrote the letter that I posted a few days ago,
one of the ways I knew I was ready?
I had a dream..
and I was not back with this person.
I did not need to run.
In fact I was somewhere that this person was too.
and seeing him shook me,
but he was more shaken.
In my dream he was with someone
and did not want her to see me.
I was not as his mercy!
I was free to walk away.
I woke up...
and nothing!
No thumpng heart,
no sweaty palms,
his hold on my mind loosened,
his control of my innermost fears released.
I knew it was time..

Dreams often tell us if the words we use with others,
are the words our heart believes.
Dreams sometimes reflect the shadows in our minds
that seem to dark to express.

It seems my heart and mind are finally on the same page.

cop out or closure?

so this has been on my mind a long time..
its almost 16 months in the making...
I am a big believer in closure,
in facing the past,
confronting the future..
and moving on.

BUT there is one issue I have no closure on..
the man I ran from..
and would run from again..
except faster!
I do not want to see him,
nor speak to him.
And yet;
The closure I seek
is the freedom to FINALLY stand up the BULLY in my life..
and yet here I am!
Still afraid!
Still unable..

and so,
I shall express it here.
It may never be seen
by the one whose eyes it is intended for..
but maybe,
I can purge my heart
of the anger and fear
left by this person,
who tried to break me in every way possible.

So to this man I say;
I am stronger then you ever expected.
I did not break. I bent, I swayed, I buckled..but I did not break.
I am wiser then you ever imagined.
I saw the truth..it took time..but I saw and acted.
I am not worthless, as you liked to say.
Intead I have found that my worth was always there..
I could just not see it through all the pain.
I am not hopeless as you liked to express,
instead I carry great hope in my heart!
I am not 'uneducated' as you loved to point out!
in fact the education I recieved in human behavior
in the year I spent with you has proved invaluable!

I have dignity!
And never again will a man spit at me,
yell at me,
curse at me,
and throw all my hurts and insecurities like weapons, in anger.

I am as disorganised as you said.
And its not the worst thing to be...'
lines in the carpet?
furniture you can't sit on?
pillows that must be fluffed?
ALL things I live happily without.

Cruelty has no place in my life..
NEVER again will I allow a man
to treat me like a beggar who should be grateful for the scraps.
NEVER again will a man try to own me.
I am not a possession or a trophy.
I am not a slave..
and no home is pretty enough to make a good prison.
Trips taken..gifts given..are worthless,
when the heart behind them is driven by hidden agendas
and motivated by selfish gains.

I regret every moment..
I will forgive because its right.
BUT, I cannot forget.
I was taken for a fool...
taken advantage of because I trusted,
and was willing to give my heart to a stranger.

Sadly,
I held my will,
and my spirit,
but I lost my trust.
I lost my belief that all people
are basically good..
you took that,
I learned that some people
are just bad.

However,
I am ready to let go
of the resentment I feel.
I am ready to let go
of the fear,
of the threats,
of the anger,
but I intend to keep the dislike.
I can not like or respect
what was..

I wish I never met you,
But,through you
I have learned who I am.
I have learned my limits...
I have learned how much I can take
before my spirit is damaged!
and only by the grace of God
did I not shatter.
You tried so hard..
but you failed.
And now,
I say goodbye
to the hurt,..
to the memories..
to the entrapment..!

I learned from you
to stand up, to not compromise,
and that I quite capable of doing this alone!

so maybe the closure is this moment..
the moment I accept that what was was SO wrong..
but what came from it has been so RIGHT.
and so, I am able to say
I wish it were not so..
and yet, maybe it was vital to where I am now.

So maybe when all is said and done
the peace I end with
comes from knowing..
if I had never met you
I would probably not be where I am now.
So, It was life..
part of the process,
part of the journey...

I recant the regret
and instead will look back
and own the changes that will be reflected in the future.
I recant the dislike..
that gives away to much power.
Instead I will choose to reflect
on the initial hope..
I will choose to remember what it seemed to be.
I can like that person,
or at least be indifferent.
And so,
as this letter emerges
and my heart speaks its thoughts
I just say GOODBYE.
It was what it was,
and what it was shall never be again!
and that is ENOUGH!
That is the GOOD in bye!

an unavoidable good bye..

some good byes we choose,
some we have to face because some one else chooses..
and some happen..
and there is nothing we can do.

I am facing what many woman my age
have faced..
the goodbye
to the babies..
goodbye to being the' mommy of young-uns'
that I so loved being.

Its odd that this loss is hitting me now,
I love the age my children are.
BUT I will admit
I am FLOORED that in 2 months
I will be a mother of a teenager.
How?
when?
where was I?

And the thing is??
I never missed a moment..
I regret little of their early years..
and yet,
its flying by!
and I am faced with the reality
that I will not have more.
I am not sure I want more,
I am pretty busy as a single mom of 3,
but I know that I am sad
that I won't have more.
odd..I know..

I teach preschoolers,
and daily
I am reminded of the sweetness
of those little hugs and kisses,
and I see the toys
that I know my kids are so beyond...
and I realise its time to say goodbye
to that little hope
I held,
that maybe one day
I would hold a baby once again.
I think this is a woman thing....
I think its a 'I will be 40 in 3 years' thing..
but, its still a sad thing.

When I look at my life,
and I know I would not change it..
and yet, I also know
that I miss the days
of pushing swings at the park,
and sticky kisses,
and naked little tushes....
I miss the baby curls,and baby teeth, and baby coos..
I miss knowing that I could hold my child
and protect them from the world outside my arms...

I watch them grow...
and my heart is now unprotected,
they carry me with them
in a scary world,
I am beside them as they grow,
no longer do I hold them through the storm;
instead I hold their hand..
and they hold my heart!
and I think above all..
I am saying good bye to the simplicity...
the simple kisses that fixed the boo-boos.
knowing that the hurts to come
will not be fixed with a band aid..

So emotionaly draining, this whole growing up thing...
and I mean ME,
not them!

well...DUH!!!

I have been worried...
worried that my desire to be alone,
speaks to something deeper.

On the weekends I do not have my kids,
I attend their games and see my friends.
I go to church on Sunday
and hang out with my best friend and others,
but I make no effort apart from that!
I do not call anyone,
rarely do I set up plans to meet..
I look forward instead to my tofu Thai food,
and the movie I will rent,
and the one I will go see.
I enjoy my time alone!!!

This is new for me..
until a few months ago
I kept my weekends busy
with friends and activity!
Now, not only am I alone for most of it..
I am quiet in my alone ness!
I do not run here and there..
I just AM!

I have become more and more happy in my solitude,
and have wondered more and more, could I like it TOO much!?

And then a friend came over to drop something off..
She has walked in my shoes.
so I shared my 'wonder'.
She pointed out something so TRUE!
I was married for 14 years,
my family was my LIFE!
I home schooled my kids,
they were ALWAYS with me.
I loved my husband tightly
and was always available to him.
Alone time was NOT a word in my vocabulary!
Then I moved in with my parents,
as wonderful as they were..
it was not my home..
it was a shared space for all of us.
and when I remarried
it was into a prison.
A man who called me obsessively
if I was not with him.
A man who wanted me by his side constantly
if I was.
A man who gave me a daily schedule
to follow.
A man who followed me
if I was out of his sight.
Who recorded me
if he was out of mine.
I did not breathe un noticed.
I could not slip out to a park,
or take an unaccounted for walk.
I had no friends.
No hobbys.
No life.
I was NEVER alone completely.

And so now?
alone time feels sweet.
I can be selfish.
I can choose the movie
AND the snacks.
I can spend my time my way without guilt!
and so, where I am
seems just right for what I have been through.
And when and if the time comes
that someone else wants a say,
in the movie..
or those snacks:)..
I will be OK with that!
But, I think I will forever
be sure
that 'alone time' is a word
and action
that remains apart of my heart and life!

what about 'her'?

there are so many layers to a heartache..
and some heal fast..
some slow..
some never really heal at all...

one of the layers
is the layer that holds the one he loved instead.

This has been one of the hardest layers
to accept, let go and move on from.
What a process.

At first I believed that I could never be Ok.
I could not imagine letting go.
I needed to hold onto my hurt,
it was my security against the unfairness.

Then I watched...
I could not deny
the kindness to my children.
If they come first,
how do I discount that?
and so I let go.. a little!

And then I moved on too fast..
and felt like accepting her,
meant an acceptance on my ex's and 'her' part, of my 'him'.
and I let go.. a little more.

then I ran from 'him'..
home...
and one of the persons to buffer the fear,
and to intercede when protection
from a very bad man
was needed,
was my ex..and his love.
and I let go...some more.

and then as I came to know her,
I liked her.
Timing means we will never be friends.
She was to much apart of something
that once fragmented my core into tiny pieces,
but I know in my heart,
we might have been in another lifetime..
and so I let go...as much as possible.

And so now,
I understand,
it is not perfect.
She is his love..
I am his 'ex'..
we will always hold eachother at arms length
for no other reason
then the role that we each hold in life,
and the part we have played in eachothers 'story'.

BUT, acceptance and grace becomes enough.
She loves my children...
we do not have to agree on all aspects of what that means,
we do not have to share the same views and philosophies.
We did not choose the other..
but we are in each others lives
in a pretty solid, and unavoidable way.
and knowing that each of us
share time with the same three individuals,
and knowing that when they are with her,
they are cared for and safe..
makes the rest...
history!

relevant..
unforgettable..
life changing..

but history none the less!

I past the test..

I facilitate a class called divorce care
at the church I attend.
This is a video led class,
I am just there to keep the conversation going,
and keep it kind!:)
last night the topic was new relationships..
there was a quiz of sorts!
It basically touched on the key points
to know when you are ready to move on.
There were many aspects but a few really stood out,

-dwelling more in the present then the past.
this struck me.
JUST yesterday an hour before the class,
my son was in a play.
My daughters and I went..
and his dad met us there.
We watched the play..
said our hi's and good byes..
went our happy ways,
as as I read this last night
on the paper in front of me,
I was able to reflect and realise
that I had felt NOTHING
just moments earlier!
Its just what it is now...
moments together do not lead me to wonder
what it should be instead.
Not sure when it happened,
just know that it did.

-taken ownership of the past
This only happened for me a few months ago.
This was the moment I realised that I had
a part in the heart ache between us.
owning it, understanding it and asking forgiveness
from the man who broke my heart...
truly released me!
This step was huge.

then the last one that REALLY spoke to me was;
-not looking for someone to rescue you.
I was here!!
I thought that this was the answer...
I went down that road.
BUT, no more!
Now I don't want to be rescued!
I don't want to be saved!
I just want to be loved...
and accepted!
No hero..
no white knight..
just a man with all his flaws,
accepting me with all mine.

and that was the thought that I ended on...

I am not sure when I might meet someone..
or if I ever will.
But, I am not looking for companionship,
I am quite comfortable alone.
I am not looking for a provider,
I am sinking and swimming on my own terms.
I am not looking for a father for my kids,
they have one.
I am not looking for anything.....

I am waiting for the one
who just wants to be.
And is OK that I just want to be too.
And if by chance we are better together,
then we are apart..
then maybe we are meant to see where that goes.

quite simple...:)

the kids.. a hurt too deep.

I rarely talk about my children's hurt.
it goes too deep.

But today,
I was taken back!
I went to have blood drawn!
3 1/2 years ago,
I sat in this same Dr's office
and the SAME lab tech drew my blood.
But there was a BIG difference!
on that day,
my 3 children were with me.
they were 4,6 and 9.
Their lives had just been shattered
and I had always told my children
that this was not a secret!
This was not their fault
and this was theirs to share!
and share they did!

They announced it in church..
(before I did..oops!)
They told the cashier at wal-mart,
the waitress,
the stranger who asked about their day!
they shared their hearts!!
They needed to!

This day,
as this man drew my blood..
they told him
that their mom and dad were getting a divorce!
They told him;
"my dad does not know how to love my mom."
"he married her too young."
"he had to leave her".
I smiled at them as they spoke,
as my heart wept tears of blood!
Their words were arrows
to my soul,
but I knew they must speak it!
I knew they would be free if they released the words
they held inside!

The poor man.
He did not know what to say!
He looked at me with pity!
I felt like a cast off piece of clothing,
the discarded one..
my shame exposed to this stranger!

But, my children..
their words broke from their mouths
releasing the hurt that held their hearts captive!
I knew then,
I know now,
that I have made many mistakes!
BUT, giving their words wings to fly..
released some of the hurt,
and helped some of the healing!

I would do it again,
stand vulnerable in front of the cashier,
shamed in front of the lab tech,
exposed in front of the waitress...
because it was a gift I gave to them!
and in this gift,
in moments I gave my very soul.....