in with the new? or in with the acceptance of the old!

Its New years eve!
A new start!
A new year!

And yet,
tomorrow
I shall wake up
and feel the same
as I do today!
tomorrow
I shall still
be facing life
as a single mom,
struggling
to make ends meet..
nervous
about my financial future;
working hard
to change the course
of my life.

So what difference does
a day make?
it does not!
but what difference
does a life make?
an attitude?
an acceptance?
THAT changes
the course of what shall come!

As I look back
on the year,
the greatest thing
that has happened
is that I have met
and faced the past!
I have accepted
what was,
and my role
in the choices made!
I have reconciled
the changes
within me,
due to the hurt!
I have begun to let go!

I may not be a different
person
tomorrow..
but I am a different person today!
As I accepted what was,
I made room for what
shall be!
I made room for ME!

and so this New Year
I face the future
having already faced the past!
Happy New Year to all...

I don't dream in romance..

I woke up in the
middle of the night..
my dreams still with me.
and I started thinking...

I never dream
about meeting someone
or of being in love!

I dream about things I know!
Things I am doing!
Things I have done!
I dream odd scenarios
of familiar events..
but I do not dream in abstract!

I wonder,
does this mean
I have given up on hope?
or am jaded?
Or does it simply mean
that my heart
and sub-conscience
can not put into words
something
that seems so elusive!

I guess..
only time..
and dreams;
shall tell!

That time again.....

Soon,
it will be a new year!
and while I have not
yet
decided what my
goals shall be..
I have been thinking
about it!!

I am not sure the specifics..
But, in general
more of finding me..
more of being a mom..
more of living life..
more of striving towards my goals...
more of being a better teacher..
more of being a more selfless daughter, sister and friend...
MORE!

and in the process...
going on some dates, maybe!
taking up a new hobby...
or dusting off an old one.
Taking better care of my health
and body!

In a nutshell
more of the same
some new
some different!
Goals I cannot loose,
because they are who I am
anyway!
Goals
that help me find
my core
while being more present with
others!

Goals
that are about more!
AND less...
less worry about stuff..
less worry about the past!
less worry about the future!
and MORE living in the present!

For what its worth...

I hate to talk..
on the phone.
I love to text..
to email..
to facebook..
to chat in person...
but when my phone rings,
my body reacts!

For many people
in my life,
this is frustrating!
Most know
that calling me is
hit and miss..
texting is guaranteed.

Why?
I have not always
been like this!
In fact,
in my first marraige
one of the biggest fights we had
was the phone bill!
I was always over on
minutes...
or the long distance bill
was too high!
I loved chatting
with friends
for hours..
the phone
was company!

And then!
I met a man
who changed all that!
The phone became
his tether to me!
He called constantly
and expected the phone
to be beside me.
Not answering
ended up
in a dramatic confrontation.
Worse was when I did answer
but was busy,
or distracted!
To him,
that meant he was not priority!
My children
paid a price.
I allowed this!
I hate that I did that!
Then as the relationship
progressed,
the phone became a tool
to hurt me,
and to control me.
Every conversation monitered.
Every number recorded.
Every phone bill
scrutanized.
I hated it!
I walked around the house
with the phone
beside me..
and yet, I never called my friends!
I jumped when the
phone rang...
My hands shook
when I missed his call...
The phone was part
of the chains
around my life...
and when I left;
I, literally, left the phone behind!

One of the first
and most dramatic memories
I have,
of the night I left..
is laying alone in a hotel room..
no-one knew where I was
or how to reach me!
The silence was so loud..
and so SAFE!
I knew the phone
could not connect me
to a life I had fled!
I was free!
I found such peace
in the silence...
It was the best sound
I had heard in many months!

It took me a week to get
a phone.
And I enjoyed being unreachable!
and now?
I do not want to answer it
unless I choose to!
and even when I want to
I sometimes don't answer!
The phone represents
a level of control
I cannot yet forget..
and therefore
I still do not trust ..

and so,
for those that try..
Its not you!
I might answer..
I might call back...
I will text you,
or email you..
I can control that!
please bear with me
and know..
some issues
reach very deep..
and take a lifetime to overcome!!

But still....

It's Christmas morning!
Yesterday
my children and I celebrated
our Christmas
and it was wonderful.
And yet
my heart knew
it was not Christmas!
This morning
when I woke
without them..
my heart knew it was!

The reality
is that the day still matters!
We do our best
and we celebrate,
and we create memories..
and for the kids,
it may not matter as much!
But, for the parents?
the day still feels
like an empty Christmas!
something missing!

This year was easier..
but still hurt!
I am not sure I will ever adjust..
but maybe that changes
when one meet's someone?
not sure!

I know that
the day hurts..
and yet I made memories
I will cherish!
I know that
I broke
over the reality
that I never expected.
I know that
5 Christmas's later,
I still flash back to
the moment,
that I never imagined
a Christmas morning
without my kids...
and I WISH for just a heartbeat...
that I could turn back time!
I know that Christmas
is a reminder
of a family no longer intact!

I also know
that I am stronger
then the day
because I choose to be!
I know I am blessed
because
of all I have,
and the support around me!
I know that having
every Christmas
would mean my children's
dad was not as involved...
and I am glad that he is!

SO deep down,
when the tears stop..
and my heart stops
throbbing,
I know that this
is what it should be
for this season..
and I know that
after all..
it is just a day,
and like any other day..
its what you do with it;
that counts!!

Tis the season...

Yesterday
was a wonderful day
and wonderful memory
for the kids and I!

We were given Disney tickets!
We live an hour from Disney,
and since my son was born..
It has been a tradition
to go to Disney at Christmas!
In 14 years..
we have only missed one!
Some how it always happens..
even when I am not sure how!

This year,
we were blessed with tickets
and a little spending money!
We were able to get a hotel room near by,
and have a blast at the parks!
We visited 3 parks in 1 day!
It was magical!!

As I looked at my kids..
I felt such joy
at being able to provide this!
The irony is
that technically I did not provide..
it was all gifted to us.
But, some how in the moment
the provision
is the being there..
being open to the ideas..
and being willing to understand
that as a single mom,
accepting kindness like this..
does so much for my kids
so much for me!!!

It was a wonderful day..
and leaves me thankful
for my life
my family
my friends...
and my choices!

Bring on the men...

Ok..
not exactly!
But, it is a line
I remember a friend saying to me..
she was sharing
that when she finally
felt ready...
she said
"bring on the men"..
and nothing happened..
not then!
She is now happily remarried.

Life happens in its own time!
But,
I can relate!

For really
the first time in over 2 years..
I am ready!
I have now dated..
I have healed..
I have learned lessons
from the past
and the present!
I am OK!

I went on a dinner date
with a friend recently
and realized
that I am ready for that stage..
I enjoy
being out..
the company....
the experience...

but, now
the age old question
starts!

How..
where...?

married friends will say
it shall happen in time..
:)
and it will!

But, there is also
a very real
reality...
As a single mom..
who teaches preschool
by day..
and takes care of her kids
by night,
where oh where
does one find
'the men..!'

and so
this next stage of living...
next stage of life should be fun!

Ready..
but waiting...
Waiting..
but not anxious...
Excited...
but cautious!
So....
bring on the men!
ha ha!

replacing moments...

A few nights ago I had a disappointment

it hid me hard..

and made me think!

The disappointment was
Christmas plans

with friends..

the idea was to go

on a horse drawn carriage ride..

looking at christmas lights,

then dinner and hot chocolate!

At the last minute
due to illness,
plans changed!
I was floored by how disappointed

I was..

Until I started thinking...

This night was to be different.

I had pictured it in my head...
I had seen us laughing,
and talking...

and was excited about the start of

something new!

The new was me celebrating Christmas

without the hurt

and without the kids...

Christmas season still hurts!
I am fine all year..

I understand why things

are what they are!
I know that it takes two

to change a future..

two to damage a forever!
I accept that what is

should be...

but at Christmas

it still hurts!

Every memory I have

is either my kids

or what was my pre-divorce family!

The last several Christmas's

I have continued to make memories

with my kids..

but christmas memories

that do not involve my

kids

all involve the one I loved...

and I realized
THAT is what this night

had been about;

creating a new memory!

Making some moments

with friends,

that are not about my kids..

or about someone I love...

but just moments

that turn into memories

and become part

of who my am..

and what I look back on

in future pockets of time!

Thats why I cried..

that why I reacted..

it was not the loss of the night

it was the loss of the memory

replacement!

and now that I know..

I can look for new moments...

and continue to accept

that some seasons are hard

and require more work then others!

and some memories

don't just happen

they have to be made!

The aftermath..

I am in such a great place
in my life...
I am happy
and content!

I feel ready for whatever
life brings,
but I am not anxious
nor in a hurry.

I have learned
some great lessons..
and I have many
still to learn.

My heart still cries
in moments,
but the tears
are now water
not salt..
there is no bitterness
in the texture...
I am healing!

But, I would be
remiss
to say
I am THERE!
I think
that after a life changing
loss..
no matter how much
time we think
has passed...
we are ALWAYS
in the process
of moving on.

My divorce
changed
everything!
It changed who I was,
who I hoped to be!
It changed my future
and my goals.
some for the worse..
some for the good..
but little was left the same.

The choices made
after the fact
do not reflect who I was,
or even who I am..
but rather the upheaval
of my heart;
and the journey
of my soul;
as I settle into
normal.

So now..
as I feel settled
and sure,
I remind myself
that I will still make
mistakes..
I will still fall in moments..
my heart will sometimes
tear in old wounds..
and my soul
will in moments
remember what was.

However,
when I fall..
I will remember
how to refind
my strength
and gather my wits
about me.

I have fought through
the hardest part..
I have found myself!

Now,
as I look for a future..
or rather wait on what
the future shall bring...
I allow myself
the failures
and shall end up
with the lessons.

I shan't forget,
but I shall not always
remember
in color...
the mistakes
fade to black and white..
the future is opaque..
and the past?
a hazy recollection
of shadows.

For now the present
is bright..
and exactly where I want to be!

public living...private loving...

I have addressed this a bit before..
it is a topic
that makes me think...!

I have a blog,
as you might know..:)

I blog a lot of my thoughts..
and feelings..
I have blogged about my past
and my present!
But,
for the most part
I have blogged how it affects me..
I have not used names,
and I have tried not to give too many details.
I have been public
about my life..
and shared my hurts!

When I entered a relationship
I became private!
There are many reasons...

I believe with all my heart
that love cannot grow
if it does not feel safe!
safe is knowing
that what you share
and whisper;
your fears..
your heart...
your past...
belongs then to that person
and that person alone.

When that is threatened
whether within
or without of that
relationship..
the safety is forever compromised!

and so..
I do not blog
about the one or ones
I shall date
or love...
or come to loose...
not in specifics!!

And I know
that when I set out
to date again,
I shall want to know
how this person
handles what they share...

(I would be wary of dating
a fellow blogger..ha ha!)

And I would hope that
like I shall do..
any man who looks to date me
will look at my blog..
and see that my track
record
shall keep what his heart safe.

Because we often judge someone
we might date in the future
by how they treated
the privacy of their
relationships in the past!
(a reflection of respect in general!)

If they did not respect those
boundaries..
they shall not respect mine.

and so,
I shall remain
public about me...
but private about
you..
if you, shall one day,
enter my life!

That time of year...

This is my 5th Christmas
since my divorce..
(the one that counts! ha!)

It still hurts!
No longer the divorce,
as much..
but the season!

This is also the 2nd year
I will not have my children
Christmas eve
and Christmas morning...
and it still makes me sad!

There has been time,
but can time heal
the simple fact
that what should be,
is not?
that a day of family time
is severed?
that my children
are away
on an important holiday?

it can..and does...
but,
it still leaves shards
of hurt behind!

Like most divorced parents
I work around the day!
The day is just a day!
The kids are fine!
They have 2 Christmas's
and where they spend
the morning
is exciting either way!!

They do not know
that my heart still
aches
when I think
of Christmas morning
without them!

I am blessed
to have friends
and family who
fill in the gaps!
I think often of those
who do not!
I shall not be alone..
And I have learned
to make the most
of those moments,
that I wish were something else!

But,
the reality of the hurt
is there...
and the ultimate
choice
to overcome is mine.
and I shall...
there might be
a few tears a long the way!
I will, however,
make it my quest
to outnumber the tears...
with moments
that make me smile!

alone...better then not?

I enjoy being alone!
not because I
believe
that being alone
is the goal.

but instead by being OK
alone,
I am getting closer
to offering a 'whole' person
to another.

Being OK alone
allows me to know
that I will not need
another TOO much,
I will not push
where I should not,
I will respect boundaries
and enforce my own.
because I am comfortable
with who I am,
even when I am not with
another!

I have learned this
and come to own this..
only through the simple
act
of time alone..
time spent understanding me
and why
my past
has hurt as it has.
time spent
getting to know
myself
and enjoying
the company I provide.

I reached this place
as I cried
from loneliness,
as I drove
to favorite haunts
with no-one to share the journey,
as the sun set
and rose
on my broken heart..
and I reached this place
alone!

Now,
as I no longer cry,
as I can choose share the drive
but am just as happy not too,
and watch the sunset,
and sleep peacefully past sunrise..
I understand
that when we have faced a loss
and we have dealt with
the aftermath
and we have reached a place
of being OK
with just ourselves...
we are now ready!
we are now whole..
we are now stronger
and more secure!

I have reached this place
of being comfortable alone..
because the person
I shall give my whole
being too..
deserves nothing less!

Much ado about nothing...

that could cover so much..
but tonight
it covers
my first college final is 20 years!

I was a nervous wreck..
the assignment?
a Shakespeare play!
Both a paper
and acting out
a scene!

Extra credit for costumes!

Not only did I dress up
but I brought my 13 year old
along
to help with the part!


I was outgunned on technicalities..
all the young students
had fancy power point..
I had hand written notes!

BUT, I did my best...
and accomplished the goal!
and am one class closer to my degree!

and after 20 years
thats saying a lot...

so maybe it was much ado
about something
after all!

a learning curve

so
now that have I dated
again..
after 2 years!
Had a relationship
that was good..
but ended.

I wonder
do I know what I am doing?

Is being honest enough?

Should slow be slower?

Should timing be different?

Should positive words, that you feel,
be saved
until you are sure
you will never have doubts again?

How do you figure out
how not to say the wrong
thing?
and yet how
to say whats on your heart...
even when your heart
seems to change its mind
in moments!

Dating confuses me!

Should I do what I did;
and retreat to my life alone?
should I just take this as a lesson
in what was right?
and what was not?
or instead a sign
that I am not ready
for what might be!

or should I assume
that maybe mistakes made
reflect a lack of 'know how'
is the bigger scheme
of this dating world....

no matter what I decide..
or what happens from here
I am OK!

I have been settled
alone
for a long time!
Being alone is something I enjoy!

So for now,
that becomes
the default.....

and I hope
that if the time
comes that I venture out
again...
that I will find
what has been
caused me to grow...
and learn,
not regress!

so right.....or not?

sometimes it can feel

as it should..

and feel as you

always wanted it to feel...

it can be SO right

and yet,

so not!

I do not know how
or why that is!

Could it be a heart connection

that dwindles?

or a chemistry match

without heart?

Could it be the past

has dug in too deep?

or just simply

the present

is not fitting like a glove?

I do not know!

I know that there was good...

lots of it!

Nothing really was wrong!...

just something

did not feel

completely right!

Maybe it was just me!

Maybe my heart

will never feel whole

again..

or maybe it was timing!

Or maybe

just not the right 'one'.

I just don't know!

I am sad!

ending a relationship

hurts both people!

I am thankful!

I had a couple of months

with a man

who has forever raised

the bar,

as to how I shall

expect to be treated

and cherished!

I am glad!

glad for the moments,

glad for the lessons,

glad for the memories

and glad that I have learned

to read my heart

and know

when 'so' right...

is just 'not'...

nomatter how sad

and very hard...

that is!

over my day!

I JUST am!

Too many things going wrong..
a leaky car..
a computer virus...
hormonal daughters....

Too much to do...
Christmas play practice...
college final...
Christmas pictures....
Final paper....
Movie to watch for class..

Too much on my mind...
things I know
but cannot yet say..
things I feel
and do not understand...

Too much for one day!
and so I shall head to bed!
knowing that tomorrow
all that needs to be done will still be there,
all that needs to be said
will still be left to say,
all that happened
will however be
left behind in the day before!

and that is a start!

When does this get easier

so..
in a new place!
figured it would be simple!
girl meets boy!
they like each other!
they date!
simple!

Only its not!

Why?
because nothing to me
anymore
is simple!

Things are good..
nice, sweet!

and yet
my heart is
fearful and jaded!
If I get too close..
I run!
If we see each other too much
I pull away..
if the future is mentioned...
I freak!~

I have spoken to other
woman..
who were hurt
like me!
They deal with the same thing!
all in different degrees!
Some run too far away,
some run too fast towards...
some are always on edge,
and some just never seem
to be OK alone!
but we all
deal
with the hurts
in some form!

for me...
I have to find that place
that allows me
to move forward
at a pace
that does not disrupt
the precious
balance in my life!
While still preserving
the goodness
in the relationship!

Because it is good...
for now,
for this moment..
the fears are not
based on what is!
the fears are based
on what might be!

The running is not from
a person..
but an idea..!

and the reality is;
I cannot change it!

Instead I must
slowly grow into
this new state of being!

On my terms,
in my time...

I just hope
that one day..
it will not feel
so hard
to let go
and just simply
feel!

how did I miss that...??

Seems that 2 days ago
a HUGE day passed..
and I missed it!
a day I have waited for..
a date I have noticed EVERY
single month
for almost 2 years...

The 2nd anniversary
of the day
I left my hell
and began my forever!

Every month
the date made an impression!
It brought me closer
to being completely free...


I waited so long to date
that the 2 year mark took on
significance
as it seemed I might watch it pass
before
dating someone.
It did not work out that way!

But, still
2 years!
a significant date!
How did I miss it?

I missed it because
it no longer matters!
I am free!!!
It was not the date
that made me free...
it was the fact
that I forgot!!

The date no longer holds
the
power, it once did!

I missed it!
and I am so thankful I did!

so that reminds me....

Now that I am not
as single as I was..
Its hard, in moments,
to remember
why I chose to be alone
for as long as I did!

And then I am
reminded!

I did not choose to be
alone
because I do not like
company!
I do!
In fact,
sharing time with another
is wonderful!

I chose to be alone
to not need that....
however!!

The 'other' in my life
is away for a little while!
And...
I have NOT fallen apart!
My life continues
as normal!
Some of this is by design!
We schedule our time
around our kids
so , often, see each other
in stolen moments...
Some of this
is because
I am just OK
alone...

Last night
I happened to be
in a new part of town..
saw a little restaurant
that looked good!
Went in
alone..
and ate!
No book,
no magazine..
nothing to distract
me
from the fact
that I was eating
without someone else
at the table
beside me!

And I remembered...

THIS is why
I did that!
I chose to be alone
so that I can easily
be by myself,
whether I choose to
or not!
I chose to be alone
to begin to overcome
my dependence
on another!

When I am with
someone
I am happy...
and content!
I am glad to share my life
and my heart!
But,
when I am
not with that person
I am OK too..

and for me-
that makes the years
of loneliness
worthwhile-
and the moments
spent
'not alone' now....
that much more
sweet!

Growing up..so hard to do!

I have lived a blessed life
in many ways!

My parents are here
on this earth with me!
I have not experienced
the loss of a family member,
other then grandparents!

As I get older
I realize that
life begins to change!
Parents get older...
loss is inevitable!

The man that
I am seeing..
just experienced that loss!
His father
lost his battle to cancer!

What a terrible sadness!!

For me,
not only is the loss
and experience
new!
but, the relationship is too!

Another aspect
of finding my footing.....

I am not sure how to help!
What to say!
The history
is not there...
the memories not shared!!

Another chapter
in a manual
not written...

All I can do is ask
and express!
Let this man know
I will follow his lead!
I am here
if he needs me..
but I also understand
that this may
not be a 'role'
he desires me to play!

The older I get
the more I learn
that life
is often about stepping back
and letting others
call the dance steps!
We do not need
a starring role
in every act.

We learn as we watch
and as we listen!
We grow as we learn!

And each step
makes us stronger
then the step before!

single is so-less-complicated then not-so single..

So,
finding my way as
a single woman..
was its own complication!
The loneliness...
The fears....
The wonder 'ifs' and 'whens'...

But, now
I am 'not' as single..
and it seems
it does not get
less complicated!

Instead now
I am trying to understand
the way
this new world
works....

Ex's on both parts
and kids,
whose needs come first!..
work schedules
and responsibilities...
add that to
hurts that are triggered,
and fears that surface unexpectedly!

life is good...
but,
life is not simple!

Simple is as simple does?
maybe-
but some times
life is just more
then you asked for;
less then you expected,
and ultimately
better then imagined!

Complicated...YES!
Worth it? Most definitely!

The changing roads of ME

I think I thought
that I needed
to figure ME
out...
before becoming
an US
with another.

And to some degree
I did!

I learned about
my dreams
and desires,
my likes and dislikes.
I got to know myself
and I learned
to enjoy
my own company!

All good!

What I did not
take into account..
is that who I
am alone,
is different
then who I am with
another!

For many years
I was co-dependent,
I was driven by my
convictions
in spite of others
in my life,
I was unhealthy!

Now..
I hope I am none of those
things..
at least not
to the place I was!
I know that alone
I am stronger then ever;
independent-
and confident
in my ability
to take care
of myself and my children!

Again....All good!

learning
to be alone
and who I am
alone,
is a challenge I faced
and overcame!
one step and moment
at a time!


Now its time
that I learn who I am
with another!
And I can
only learn
that by letting someone
in.

Now...
I figure out
who I AM...
not only alone!
but,
Who I AM
as a whole;
alone, together and in between!

The journey
changes direction..
but is far from over!

cleaning out the cobwebs

One of those days..
Cleaning out the boxes
and the cupboards...

I am in a good place in my life!
I am in a NEW place!
A new relationship!
taking it slowly..
one step at a time!

As I cleaned
I came upon
papers,
and journals..
letters
and emails!

A time in my life
when I was fighting
to be heard!
A time in my life
when I was yelling
into the wind!
There was no sound;
I was invisible!!

As I read
through all the old..
and as I clear the cobwebs
from my heart-
I know I shall never return!

I see that already
the start of the new
is different
then the start of the old!

I understand
that who I am now,
is not who I was then!

I fought to be heard,
when I should have just
fought to get out!
I begged for validation,
when instead
I should have
slammed the door
in the face of evil,
I was desperate
for those around me
to understand,
when now
I own my own choices..
good and bad!

I stand here today
having dusted the cobwebs
from the pages
of time...
and swept
the shadows
from my heart,
and I see clearly....
that
what was
is not
what is!

What is
is yet to come..
and yet to be decided,
but it is not
what has been before!

A fine line between the past and the present..

I have a past!..
I also have a present!
My present is new..
tentative..
slow...
and exciting!

My past is powerful..
involved..
complicated..
and important!

Sometimes
these worlds collide..
the line between them
so fragile.

The man I am getting to know...
has a past also.

The thing when you have children
is your past
is never left behind.
The relationship
always matters!
The connection
is always vital.

So I am finding
a new
stage of life..
is walking this tight rope,
between both worlds!

I made a mistake once..
I threw my past away
thinking it gave me a chance
at a future..
I promised
I would never do that
again..
and I shall not!

I also
have a promising present!
One that does not demand
changes
or ask for primary allegiance!

Above all..
I am learning,
or trying to learn..
how to live
within both the past and the present!
And how to accept and embrace the
same in another!

Learning....
How to define a new relationship
that does not cut out
the old..
how to create safety
for all...
because this matters!

It has always mattered..
I see what can happen when
couples that once 'were',
become enemies that 'are'..
I know how quickly something
seemingly small
can become something
very big..
and when there are kids
the ulitimate goal
is peace!
and so it matters!

And now,
I do not just seek it
in my own life
and past..
but am learning
to accept and understand it
in anothers life and past as well...

A fine line..
a tight rope..
walking without a net!
But, a fall worth taking
for the sake
of the kids,
and a past that once
defined forever!

'It's complicated'

So..
I am officially
'in a relationship'.
We see each other exclusively,
we spent time together when we can...
we smile alot!:)

It seems commitment
for me
happens in levels..
I can say
I will not date anyone else
but it took a while
to say
I was 'dating' a specific person vs 'just friends'.
But,
I got there!

Now,
we joke about Facebook!
I am certainly listed
as single!
At some point
I will take the plunge
and change
the status
to
'in a relationship'..
but,
sometimes
'its complicated' seems to fit more!
The relationship
is easy!
The juggling act is not!
We both have kids
and they come first!
Then there
are the other half
of our families;
the kids parents..
and our friends..
and extended families...
and our jobs
and our hobbies..

just
'in a relationship'
after a divorce does
not seem
quite adequate!
maybe
there should be
a choice
of
"in a relationship in which we balance several plates".

If truth me told....
I wait on a bigger reason!
I am still learning
to have faith
that today
will look like yesterday!
That this will
not fall apart
tomorrow...
I am working
on that part!
and when I get there..
or at least
get further
in the process
then I am today
I think Face book
will be the first
to know!

Pain within Beauty??

I am falling...
Falling into hope..
Falling into the future...
and some days
Falling into fear!

I have gone into
my new stage of life
with eyes wide open!
I am aware of the warnings..
and aware of the realities!

But, thats not what scares me...
what scares me are the signs
you cannot see;
the future;
the day that it all falls apart!
The moment you fall from the clouds
into the dangerous river below!

And yet,
if I live
waiting for the pain,
I may not really
experience and enjoy
the beauty around me!

I can wait...
I can know..
I can expect...

Or I can accept!

I cannot see the future!
I cannot control
what shall be!!
I can live today
in this moment!
I can be fully present
in my reality...
and I can take each step
one at a time.

Today,
I choose
to turn off the voices in my head.
The ones that tell me
that:

Relationships
fail...
People leave..
Love hurts...

And instead
I shall
listen to the sound
of my heart beating,
and let its rythym lead the way!

I don't belong to you!

Dear shadow of broken trust,
I am no longer yours.
you held me in your grip
for long enough.
You stole my breathe
and haunted my dreams.
But, I am no longer yours.

You troubled my spirit
and hunted me
in my safe places.
But, I am no longer yours.

You stalked my footsteps
in the quiet of the dusk..
and interupted my peace
with your threats.
But, I am no longer yours.

You see,

Dear Shadow of hurt,
I have come to understand
that of the two of us,
I am the strongest!
Beneath your shell
of steel,
is weakness and fear.
You pray on those who are frail.
And for a while,

Dear Shadow of fear,
for a while..
I was frail
within your arms.
But, I am no longer yours.

I understand
that when your cold grip
of fear
reaches out and grabs my hand..
you will dissipate into the mist
when I stand my ground.
I have nothing to fear!
Because,
I am no longer yours!

And,

Dear Shadow of dark control,
In case you have ever wondered
just how powerful
your influence was...
how strong your
possession over my mind
might have been....

I was never actually yours to begin with.

Love,
A content, safe and strong Me!

truth? hurt? perception?

I recieved an anonymous comment
that I chose not
to publish!
Because- well- it's my blog
and the comment was
filled with unkind names
and words..
and yet,
I am sure there is some truth
in the perception.

The basic frustration
on the part of this
'un-named person'
is this;
'I am weak in wanting protection and focusing on what
I Have not...selfish, self loathing, psychologically
unfit-not moving forward..ungrateful...unwilling
to take responsibility for my choices..Godless...undeserving...'
and the list goes on.

Why even address this?
People can be cruel..jealous..bitter..lonely..
But, to some degree
I understand!
I understand why someone
who does not know me well
or at all..
and finds my blog
would see only part
of the picture.
If you read some posts
that deal with my hurt
you might miss
the posts
that deal with my
ownership.
you might read about
my broken-ness
and never see the post
that shared about
my asking forgiveness from
my first husband..
because I know and understand
that it takes two people
to have a healthy marraige,
it often takes two people
to destroy one.
So, I understand this.

Am I stuck in the past?
no!
Do I talk about it alot?
yes!
I can say from personal
experience
that dealing with memories
and hurts
and scars
as often as they come up,
has helped me to understand them.
heal from them..
and let them go!
I needed to know
why I made the choices I did..
because yes ;
unnamed person..
I did make the choices
I made!!
But, by facing it
deeply
darkly
openly
I hope to change the choices
I make in the future.

This is my journal..
I do not ask
or force anyone else to read it..
but by writing it
I have found deep healing
and peace!

Am I selfish?
possibly!
Have I taken a forum
and used it for my own self gain?
yes!
I needed a place
to vent and open up..
I needed to share and express!
I needed
to feel whole again!!
so yes!
I will accept that!

Am I weak
for wanting
to be loved?
cherished?
protected?
does that make me ungrateful
for what I have?
does that make me a terrible
mother?
I cannot speak for anothers perception..
but, I can say
that taking 2 years alone
has been the 'strongest' thing
I have ever done!
I have learned so much
about who I am..
and what I want!
But, I have also learned
contentment
in what I have!

In this forum
I speak my dreams
and wishes
hurts and regrets!
But, this is not my life!
This is not a reflection
of the moments I live!

This is a mirror
into
the deepest recess
of my mind.
my nightmares..
my fears..
and my fantasies
about the future
written on paper!

Do I hope for all I express..
I do!
Am I ok
to be alone,
I really am!
I look forward to being cherished..
but, I am content
when in solitude-
I look towards a future
with another
but, I am not scared
of a future without.

This blog has been
an amazing journey!
and not one that I believe has ended
completely.
But, I do believe
the course has changed!

I hope that through my past
others may see they are not alone,
I hope that through my present
some might believe
they too can be content in solitude,
and now as I face the future..
it is less 'single' then before,
and uncertain and exciting...
but, it is different!
It is new...
a fresh start!

I face it whole..
and I face it with strength.

I am not sure what that means
for a blog
that focuses
on the rawness
of a broken life...
and so
I may just visit once in a while..
or I may find
there is more still to say
then I thought!

Regardless..
I regret not a word
or moment...
and hope
that those who needed
to read my words
saw beyond them to my heart.
and I know deeply,
that if no-one
had ever read
a word I wrote
the healing recieved within me
has been the greatest benefit..
selfish or not!

its truth in word..
healing through expression..
hope through progress..
Wholeness through understanding..
and that is ENOUGH!

What I've missed the most...

As I look back on my life..
on my childhood..
on my marriage..
on my disaster..

There has always been a common
need..
a desire
that ran like a thread through
each experience.

A desire to be cherished,
protected,
cared for...
adored!

As a child
I had that!
parents who loved me!
A father who protected me.

In my marriage
not as much!
Protection..I had!
Was I safe from an intruder?
yes!
Would my honor be defended?
of course!
But, was my heart safe?
was I cherished?
no!

In my disaster..
I believed I was with someone
who adored me!
I came to understand
that there is a big difference
between
being possessed
and being adored!
One leaves you smothered
and gasping for air..
The other makes your heart beat
so fast you loose your breathe!

I DO want to loose my breathe...
I do NOT want to gasp for air!

I do not need a father..
I do not need a provider!

But, a protector?
someone to cherish my heart
and care enough
to step into my world
for a moment..

That is what I have missed the most...

Because I HAVE felt this before,
not in my past relationships,
but instead I know this feeling
from my dreams!

It would be nice to feel it with my eyes
wide open!

slow rush or fast crawl.....

For 2 years
I was alone.
by choice.
I learned to enjoy
being by myself.
I became
confident
in who I am,
I figured out
my likes
and my dislikes...

For at least the last
year..
many have encouraged me
to just get out there.
Take a chance,
go on a date...
risk my heart!

Now,
that I have done that
The phrase I hear the most
is; 'be careful and take it slow'.

I get this..
anyone
who knows me
watched me give over my
complete identity
in my first marraige;
as I tried
to be the prefect wife and mother..
as if some formula
would make it
all OK...
They watched
my heart get broken,
and they watched me run
into the arms
of destruction.
They had to stand back
as I fell apart..
They had to watch
as I was pulled to pieces
one cell at a time...
They do not want to see
me hurt!
Neither do I!

But, I sometimes
think
I waited THIS
long to 'date'
for this VERY reason!!

I knew
that others would need
to caution me..
I let others in,
its who I am.
But, I also hate to let
others down..
and so,
a cycle begins
in which I avoid
rather then stand up for me..

And heres the story on that...
I am human,
I can fall..
I can fail..
and I might!
But, I have also learned
some VERY strong lessons!!
I have no desire to repeat my past!
I do not need some one to provide
for me...
or fix my life!
I am not looking for
someone to make my life better
nor shall I compromise
and ignore red flags
for fear of being alone!!

I choose to have
someone in my life
that enhances the contentment
I already have..
that adds to my life
in all good ways..
Someone that knows
what a partnership is..
Someone that sees me
as I am..
and wants me anyway!
someone...
that might one day choose
to guard my heart.

Taking it slow..
for me
is all about the future...
its all about my kids
and knowing
I do not want to
chance
or risk
their instability again!
I do not plan to do that.
Taking it slow...
is in the honesty
and in the communication..
It's not playing games.
It's owning
where I can compromise
and where I will not.
for me,
it is also knowing
that only time,
and lots of it..
will provide
security and stability
in my soul...
some things are no longer
mine to give freely..
and can only be 'gifted'
as part of a very
long process...

But, in the here and now
it is what it is...
and all I want,
in this moment
is to take the joy
and hopes
and minutes
as they come...
and to fall
without a net if I choose..
or grab my life jacket if I want too...

I choose to take
my lessons,
and take the years I
have lived upon this earth..
and move forward
as a strong, independent
and capable woman..
who will take life
as it comes,
and make the choices
that are right
for me..
and for my family!

and in the process..
I will be deeply
grateful
that I am loved,
and watched over,
by many...
a blessing
I never quckly forget!

single..dating...single & dating..its all complicated!

I have stepped off the edge..
dived into the murky waters..
of single-again dating!

In this case,
its not many dates
with new and different people..
instead one person,
slowly..
dating..
moving forward.

A whole new world of complications...

schedules,
and kids...
work,
and friends...

I have learned from the past
enough
to know..
that my children
or someone else's kids..
do not need another parent!
They do not need
me (in the case of another)
or the one in my life...
to fulfill a specific role.
They need stabilty,
security
and the attention
of their own parents...
and they need kindness
and respect
from the other adults
in their lives.

a tight rope to walk
whichever side of the rope you are on.

Work...
cannot be ignored!
Alot of my time..
most of my time..
goes to my job!
As will the time
of another in my life!

Family time
cannot be put off!
The kids have to take priority!
My kids..
His kids...
They have to know their
place
They have to be sure
of their value..

Time alone
is still imporant!

Friends
hold such value!
My friends
have been my back bone..
they have waited out
my solitary game..
they have visited me
in the shadows and helped
drag me into the light..

And then there is
of course,
my parents,
my sisters...
My family -
whose very heart beat
matches mine...

and The person I shall know..
am getting to know..
all his attachments
and hobbies
and outside life.

So many pulls..
so many places
that have a foothold on
my heart..
so many needs to meet
and responsibilities
to step up too...

Beyond all that,
is the newness
and the smiles
and the excitement
and the hope
and the future
and the past
and above all....
the release;
the freedom
to feel..
to live...
to let go....!

I am deeply grateful
that it took me almost 2 years
to take this step!
I am healthier
then I have ever been.
Stonger then I ever imagined
possible..
and yet still..
vulnerable..
yet still...
crushable...

Like every step
so far
I shall take it;
one step
one breathe
one moment at a time...

no news...good news....

Life has been busy...
work
kids
play...

It seems that when life
is at rest
I tend not to need
to write as much...
when life is out of balance
the words
become the band aid
for my troubled
soul..

In this case
no words
means
all is well..

In some ways
better then well.
New stage of healing..
New stage of living..

Loads of emotions
that go along
with any change..
but not the turmoil
that I felt
when trying so hard
to keep others at bay..

So, until
I have more words
to speak..
I shall enjoy
reading the words
of my other
blogging friends!

and I shall be
grateful
my heart is full enough
with all things good,
to be speechless...

....for this moment!

Facing the fire within their eyes...

I love my daughters..
I love my son!
my son is 13!
he has normal moments of anger
and moods..
but is reasonably even keeled..

My girls are the other hand
are more like me...
passionate
and emotional...

The pre teen years are killing me..:)

And yet-
as I react to the look my daughter gives me
when I get close to her and look in her eyes..
when I invade her space-
in my frustration!
I KNOW that she is my child!
I see in her compliance
matched with strength!
She will listen,
she will obey..
but she will not be broken!!

I cannot acknowledge that;
with out understanding
that I want my daughters
to hold onto their fire!
I need them to know their worth
and feel angry
when that is threatened
NO matter who threatens it!

NOW- I need to learn
to accept
what comes across as defiance
and give them the space needed
to retain their strength,
while still expecting respect!
What a fine line...

But, as a mother
who knows what it is
to have your soul under attack,
and what it feels like
to only survive intact
because of a fire within
that refused to be doused,
I can see the fire in them
and know
that I never want
to be responsible for putting that flame out..

Now if I could just figure out
how NOT to match the fire within
them
with
the fire within
me..

Parenting...
Jumping through hoops....
ablaze with flames,
and just praying you
don't take a step
that leaves life altering scars....

No pressure in THAT!:)

Too much information?

I have lived these last
two years
as an open book...
On my blog and on Facebook!
I enjoy being open..
its who I am!

My blog is mine.
People comment!
(and I love my bloggy friends!)
BUT, its my thoughts.. my space.
facebook, however, has a mind of its own!

I have been open..
but its been just me!
my drama
my quirks...

Now, as I begin a new stage..
I have someone 'sort of'
in my life...
casual, new, slow..
but a new stage none the less;
I realize that some things
just belong to me!

So while I will blog the emotions
fears and trials
that come with actually
sort of ... in a way..
(did I mention slowly?)
entering back into the dating world..
I shall keep the rest to myself!
and enjoy having time
to sort out
what I feel,
and think..
without being overwhelmed
by the best intentions of others...

So slowly..
tentatively..
cautiously..
I step from the world
of happily alone,
into the world
of choosing
to sometimes spend
time with another.......

The next step in the journey!

broken-ness , birthdays, and better times...

Birthdays have always
been happy-
never really exotic,
sometimes surprising
and sometimes a little bit dissapointing..
but, mostly happy-

Four years ago
that all changed.
My marraige was over-
I was moving out
in 3 days..
my friends took me to dinner
and no-one cared what time
I came home-
it was over.
My heart was broken.
My life felt over.
16 birthdays with one person..
never to be again!
We signed divorce papers
a few days afterwards.
I was 33.

the next year-
I was about to be married AGAIN..
I was confused, scared and unsure.
My birthday was a disaster
as my soon to be husband
had a jealous fit
over something beyond my control.
and still I moved forward
and married him..
heavy heart and all.
I was 34.

One year later..
I knew I had made
a horrible mistake-
I knew I must get out-
I did not know how!
Things had been ugly
and volitaile...
but I did not know
how to make anyone understand..
no one could hear me..
It was like speaking under water!
Then the morning of my birthday
I was woken at 5 am..
surprised by the man,
who the day before had yelled at me
cursed at me,
told me to get out..
he took me and my kids
on a hot air balloon ride
for my birthday.
The whole time
I felt sick...
like there was lead in my chest!
I knew the price I would pay!
Nothing was free...
I also knew what he was doing,
and sure enough
no sooner had we walked in the door
and he had emailed my family
pictures..
to paint himself as a great guy..
to further isolate me
from anyone who could help me!
I was 35-

Another year passed-
I was now free!
and yet, still feeling alone,
I was still hurting and fearful-
I was finding my footing-
one slow step at a time.
I spent my birthday
quietly
with my kids..
my heart still heavy!
I was 36.

And now..
on this birthday eve.
for the first time
in years-
I am happy!
I am content!
I am at peace!
My day shall hold
all my favorite things..
my children,
my parents,
my sisters,
my friends
and time by myself.

Time as a mom.
Time as a daughter.
Time as a sister.
Time as a friend.
Time as a woman.

A day to celebate the many roles
I juggle...
the many paths I have walked..
the many hurts that have made me cry..
and the many memories that have made me smile.

A day to celebrate
being exactly where I want to be.
Tomorrow...
I shall be 37.

An ironic weakness

Most of the time
I am not lonely!
I do not crave companionship
nor do I wish for someone
to be with me
in my space...

But, when I am sick
that all changes!
I feel vulnerable
and alone...
whenever I get the flu
or a sinus infection..
or whatever,
I find that all the defenses I have
disappear!
and all I crave
is someone
to share my heart
for just a moment...

And the irony?
Is I have never had that!
-not when I was ill...
so its not that I miss it...
I was with a man
who while helpful..
was not a ''caretaker' of me...

So why?
why when I am sick
do I imagine
snuggling beside someone
and knowing
that I not alone?

I think its because
I am too weak
to remember
NOT to want that...
I am to worn
to remind my heart
that I am ALL I need....

Like the illness..
this too shall pass!
and I will be back
to being strong
and able
to take care of 'me'.
Because
being vulnerable
is still a state of being
I avoid....
Just sayin!

Kind of personal..but why not????

so..
2 years have almost passed me by!
and I think sometimes
about all the reasons
I do not want someone in my life..
all the things I fear
or worry about!
and all the things I dream for
and wish would be!

As I get older
I think about starting over
and there is much about it
that seems hard work!
Meeting new families...
getting to know how someone
likes their coffee,
favorite color,
Their childhood nightmares
and hobbies!

I think about
learning someone else's patterns
and the sound their heart beat makes..
and some of this seems
so much!
and some so easy!

but the fear comes back
to them learning me!
I am pretty open about who I am...
but, what about my faults?
I am really stubborn!
I can be a teensy feisty!
I am excessively quirky!
and in some areas
I am also insecure!

and that becomes a whole new issue..
recently I examined my physical
fears..
and wonder if that does not play a role too..
no matter my stand on 'intimacy'
the reality of fears are still there!

My husband got the best of me!
I was young...
no kids...
and then as I became a little older
and had a '3' kids body..
he knew these kids,...
they were his!
The stretch marks
and extra 10 pounds..
had their name of it!

Someone new?
just gets the damage and the insecurities..
without the ownership!

I am sure that might be part of getting
older..
part of growing up
and realizing that you are not 20
anymore!

Starting over
with insecurities
emotionally and physically;
is much harder...
then starting fresh
when the world was my oyster
and I was forever young!

But, I guess then..
I might have had the young body...
but I had not grown into my own skin!
When all is said and done,
I have to face the fears
and overcome the less then perfections..
but I would take the 'all grown up me' now
over the 'so much to learn me' then...
stretch marks, heart aches,wrinkles,
and most of all 'life lessons',
and all....

age... a state of being...

Age is so relative...
Age is such a state of being..
I am turning 37 in a few days.
That sounds so mature,
so figured out!

Sometimes I feel older...
yet,
sometimes I feel like a
miss rather then a 'ma am'....

It amazes me how life plays a part
in who we are
and how 'old' the age we are
really is!

In my 20's
I had 3 children &
I celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary
by the age of 28.

in my 30's
I was divorced,
not once,
but twice.
I lost my home..
I started over
again..and again..and then again.
I sarted working full time,
and I went back to college.

As I look at this rest of this decade
I would love to think the changes are done!
The challenges faced!
And yet-
now I am at that 'age'..
the age where I have teenagers...
a stage that might age me
faster then any other!

This next year..or 2 ..or 3...
I hope....
for love?
not sure!
for money?
not really!
for happiness?
to a degree...
for stability?
yes!
for peace?
completely!

and in my 40's?
maybe I will have a midlife crisis
and become a gypsy living in California!
*sigh*
Or maybe..
I will just do what I have always done;
Love my Lord,
Love my kids,
Love my family....
and let the rest take care of itself!

Single has to do,...what single has to do!

As an early birthday present
I bit the bullet
and got my hair done!
It was STRAIGHT!
so this is different!

I have long since learned
that birthdays alone
can be sad!
or they can be special!
Which one..
is up to me!

I still have a week to go,
but got a head start
with some hair pampering...
and a new style
to go with a new me!

every month of this journey
seems to bring about
a new me..
a stronger me..
a more confident me...

and as time has gone by
it has also brought
a more realistic me!

On holidays
I no longer look
for someone
to take care of me..
instead I set a goal
of something I want
and make it happen!

Today I did that!
A good feeling...
even if I can't wash my hair
for a while......:)

fear..awakens..memories...

The feeling of being un-nerved
has awakened feelings
from my past-
it has also helped me to
see
my fears...my walls..
are so much
bigger then a broken heart!

There was a time
when security was elusive.
I experienced what many woman have..
and most will tell you-
is an experience
you do not easily forget-

before I left
and after I left...
I was watched-
I was followed-
I was recorded-
..there is a word for this..
but the word does not do
the feeling justice.

The feeling of knowing
someone is out there,
behind you when you are in your car-
outside your window while you are sleeping-
driving by the place you are meant to feel safe-
watching you as you go about your day-
is a feeling I have
yet to put complete words too...

It is a feeling of being hunted-
a feeling of being trapped-
a feeling of being not just vulnerable
but exposed to your very core-
a feeling beyond description.

An invasion of the very
space around you...
walking on eggshells
that shatter with every step-
every shadow, every sound;
creating a shudder in your being-

As time passes
I forget-
I put it to the back of my mind-
the 'eeriness'
the anger it aroused-
the control this person
still held-

when I am reminded
the feelings rush back
and I understand
more
my walls-
my insecurity-
my need to be free!

I do not just fear another
broken heart-
I fear meeting another
broken mind-
I fear once again
loosing my ability to walk
safe and 'un-noticed'
through this world-

I will not remain here..
I fought the
emotional bars-
I overcame the
hostaged 'state' of my mind-

I will use what I
know
to understand how it
shapes my present-
but I shall not go back,
nor shall I remain in this memory
or state of unease.

I shall push through
and once again
win the battle-
but, first I must
'face' the
war.

alone feels REALLY alone tonight...

2 nights ago
my car was broken into!
The back window was shattered,
some items were stolen.
the alarm alerted me and I ran out...

Took me a few minutes to know what had happened..
it was the middle of the night after all!
The next day,
we found a pair of eye glasses
in the back yard..

all of this happened outside my home!
Yes, right outside,
but outside none the less!

and yet,
now I feel nervous inside my house
a feeling I am not used to!
when I first lived alone
I slept facing the door for months!
BUT, then it was not a stranger
that I expected to see!

Now, all these months and months later,
I find myself checking the locks
and rechecking the locks..
checking and rechecking the alarm..
my heart is beating..
I feel the quickening of my pulse..
because I am alone!
and yet..
I am always alone!
I live alone!
*sigh*..

They stole some items...
they broke a window...
but they invaded my safety!
Something I fight for..
something I need!

I know this feeling will pass..
and I know I will be OK!
Adjusting to this side of 'single hood'
is just what it is..
there is no upside to this part!

other then, I guess..
the part where you overcome..
and find your safety once again,
in spite of your circumstances...

until then..
I am just going to go
check the locks again..

soft as steel...

so I am pretty tough these days..

independent,

self sufficient..

for the most part!

I work

and pay the bills...

I figure things out when they go wrong..

and I keep men at arms length,

perfectly content alone!

And then something simple..

melts my heart,

and reminds me

how soft a core of steel

might really be!

Tonight-

that moment

was during a Tv show..

criminal minds..

my fav actor

used the phrase 'baby girl'..

and not to his daughter!:)

it made me remember

what it is

to be protected

and soft

and vulnerable...

and OK with that!

Its funny the things

that

remind our hearts

that

under the metal plate..

might just be..

butter!

My hiding place..

*disclaimer- I feel this and express this- but in a truthful not unhappy place. Something I wrote one night..something today I may feel. tomorrow I may not!


My fears are very real

they hide beneath my smile-

If I forget, in a moment..

its only for a while.

I sometimes express myself in words

I sometimes hide and cry

but, my fears will always find me

no matter how I try-

My fears have become

my friend and my foe

and how long they shall stay,

there is no way to know..

But, letting them go

saying goodbye

is sometimes bigger then me..

sometimes too hard to try!

My fears protect me

they keep me safe

my fears have become

my hiding place-

It started like every other day....

It was just a day..
like every other day-

cold and sad;
dismal and dispairing-
lonely, empty and forboding...

But, I did not know
I would leave -
this day.

I had thought about it-
imagined it...
cried about it-
dreamed about it...

but, how?
where would I go?
I had a few 'vague' options-

BUT, I would be diving off a cliff
without being able to see
the depth of the water!

I was scared!
I had been scared..
for many months.

Today was no different!
I dropped my kids off at school-
I returned home
to the drama
and the hurt...

always..
the drama and the hurt-

I picked the kids up from school
and set off for their dads..
an hour and a half drive.

A phone call from 'him'-
'him' the first one I had trusted
after their dad left..
'him' the one who tried to break me..
and hated my strength.
'him' whom my whole being longed
to flee from...
This phone call from 'him'-
changed it all.

I knew in that moment
it was time...

for my children
there was no preperation-
they did not get to say good bye to friends,
or bring anything with them-
one second all was the same..
the next it was changed forever...
and yet, they too
knew it must be.

for me-
it was dark
it was lonely
it was the hardest thing I have ever done-
But, it was......time.

Now 22 months later
I still remember...
I still go back in my mind
I still feel
the heartbeat of risk-
the hurt of the charade-
the loss of safety and trust-
But, I can feel it
and I can leave it behind-
I visit in my dreams
and wake up shaking..
but the dream ends..
and I remember- it's over!

I have never regretted leaving-
not for an instant.

I am free...
It. Was. Time.

pushed..pulled...

sometimes it seems
that many people
seem to feel
they know..
whats best for me!

Move on they say
get out
take a chance...
live a little...
or
don't let life pass you by!

And yet..
2 major life changes
2 lost loves
2 disappointments
2 dreams disintegrating into ashes
1 severed heart
broken twice...
in the space of 3 years..
seems more then just,
a 'let it go' event!

Do I fear?
of course!
But, what I know
sf that as of now...
I do not want to move on
in the way others wish!
I do not need to move on
in the way others hope!

I am not stagnating in my life!
I am thriving
and living
and laughing!
I am so content!

and here is what I understand..

I have MOVED on!
Life is NOT passing me by!
I AM living a little..
I have TAKEN a chance!

Its in the moments I smile
when I would rather cry!
Its in the days I work
when I would rather curl up in bed!
Its in the situations when I parent
when ignoring would be easier!

Its in the times I laugh
because its funny!
Its in the days
there is no where else I want to be instead!
Its in the knowledge
my life is what it should be!
Its in the peace
that this is hard but I am doing it!
Its in the contentment
of knowing I am not alone!

Moving on is in the moments..
not the circumstances!
Moving on is in the strength..
not a person to share the load!
Moving on is in the choices..
not the regrets!
Moving on happens...
with every step forward a broken life takes!

randomly me..

So I have thought about my blog..
is it too personal?
should I make it private?
should I share less..?
and then I realized,
no! NOT yet!
for me there is something so healing
about sending my words
out into the universe...
no matter who reads them.

I need that!
for now!
and I shall accept
what may come...

and I shall share what I might
should not!:)
KNOWING that its for me...
but also for myself and others
to know we are not alone..
we face this
with the same tears
and triumphs!
Our words
measuring our progress
in the right direction!

so today I share this;
I have been heavy hearted..
feeling like love is just not for me..
or even the chance at love
not right!

and tonight I realized why?
I allow it to become SO complicated!
whether by my choice
or by my allowing others to complicate it..
either way simple has not been a part of this whole...

I cannot enter back into this 'dating' world..
because anyone who tries..
(and they do...)
either already knows me.
and has had a chance to decide
they want more...
and I do not feel the same!
or I do not know them at all..
and cannot accept a 'date'
without knowing who they are!
or a little bit of both scenarios
intertwined as one.
and before you know it..
we have shared hopes and dreams..
and have not even had coffee...
and then I run!
and I run fast..
and once I run, I do not look back!

Because here is the thing..
I am not ready for much!
I am not looking for my future..
I am not looking for my 'soul mate'..
I am not looking for someone to share my life...
in fact if I think to far ahead
I panic!
Actually I completely FREAK OUT!

All I want is to bump into someone..
look at them;
and think "hmmm...maybe?"
have them think the same..
and then hear them say "coffee?dinner? "..
and then go on a first date,
and at the end of that date
decide on a second..or not!
one step at a time!
Nothing more..nothing less....

BUT, I don't allow that!
And then its too complicated!
and then I don't want the same thing!
and then ...

So, not sure what to do about it!
BUT, at least I have figured out
what does not work...
maybe that will allow me
to try something new!:)
and that's at least a start...:

Letting go...

Letting go-

holding on-
one and the same-
so different-
so alike.

hot and cold..
young and old..
two parts of a whole.
two sides of a coin..

hurt and hope
one not the same,
if the other
was not there too!

The order of life
determines the outcome..

Hurt followed by hope-
a new beginning.
Hope followed by hurt-
the beginning of the end.

The music in my head

The song began....

too much to soon?

A heart not whole?

wrong place?

wrong time?

A start without an end..
A beginning without a middle..

The music started

but, the tempo was out of sync.

The moment not mine..

not meant to be.

Fate?

Foe?

Fears?

Or just a song
that did not match

the rhythm of my heart?

Whatever the case..
the music has stopped-

and for now-

my heart is content in the silence.

A fragile glue...

Sometimes,
I picture my heart,
like a shattered vase-

At one time
it lay in jagged pieces;
discarded-
hopeless...
seemingly broken beyond repair.

Then slowly the pieces
were fit back together-
a fragile puzzle-
tiny fragments missing
here and there...

Glued back together,
carefully,
delicately,
ever so slowly-

Now, from far away,
my heart looks whole...
but, if you look closely-
you will see jagged scars
running across the entire
surface....

And if I breathe to
hard..
Take to much air into my
lungs..

The glue might disintegrate,
the fragile bond give way-
and my heart will lay
in shattered pieces-
once again.

only time will tell...

I am learning that at some point,
you have to start living life
to know if you are OK!
There is only so much you can know
while sitting on the sidelines!

One of my greatest fears
was reverting
to my 'co-dependent' place.
As a person, I am a people-pleaser!
I want to make others happy,
I avoid confrontation.
I give-in!
And yet, I am also stubborn and determined!

When I loved-
if I wanted my 'own way'..
I would not fight,
I would wait until a good time,
or the right circumstances..
I would passively try and get my way.
Sometime I 'won'
sometimes I did not..
but rarely did I stand my ground
with strength.
Instead I became what I thought I should!
compromising from the start
to keep the peace!
I never want to do that again!
compromise = yes
chameleon = no!

As I start to live my life,
rather then just watch it-
I see that has changed!!
When someone tries to bully me
or control me..
it no longer causes me to feel intimdated!
Instead it makes me mad!
It is not ok!
Please stand up to me, if needed!
or speak with conviction if you will....
BUT, do not bully me!
Do not try and control me..
I will not allow it!
I have not allowed it....

Seeing it,
living it...
understanding where I shall bend
and where I am steel,
has given me
hope!

I love the Lord
-my heart and soul!
I am a mother first!
-always!
My family matters!
-forever!
My friends are important!
-inflexible!
I love animals and have too many pets!
-unbendable!
I will not eat meat!
-try and make me!!

The rest.
I will talk about...
but, I won't be pushed!
and I see that now!
I can hold my own...
I can depend on myself to look out for my kids,
and to look out for me...

and maybe THAT is enough
to allow me to give others a chance
to look out for me too!
...maybe...
Time will tell!

slow motion in fast forward....

as life begins to change.
as I begin to slowly let others in...
as I accept the calls
and conversations...

sometimes it all feels like
its rushing at me..
sometimes a crawl
can feel like a run!

Two steps forward in opening up,
one step back as I shut down!
Back and forth..
Back and forth...
Sometimes I rush,
sometimes I run..
Sometimes I barely move...

And when I fear,
its all too much!
That no-one will understand!
No-one would take things
slower then slow..

I remember that the one
who might break through this wall,
shall.
simple!

and I resume the dance..
and take the steps forward,
knowing that at the next spin..
I might skip backwards again!

but also knowing that I will never know
what the next song shall be...
unless I finish the dance!

What a difference a breath makes

Something in me has changed!
Something small..
yet noticeable...

Slowly I have started to let down my guard!
Slowly I have started to let people in!

I have begun to understand
that these past 2 years,
the walls I built
not only protected me from
suitors...
they protected me from friends!

As I became aware of this fact-
I began to realize
that this steel cage has served its purpose!
Within its protection,
I began to heal!
Within its walls,
I learned to be alone!
Within its cold embrace,
I learned to survive!
Now- its time to open the door,
even if its just a crack!

Letting down my guard
even just a little-
has had the strangest
OVERALL effect.
strange men approach me now-
I guess the 'do and die' mask if gone!
That's a little different,
and not really welcome
but its proof of this visible release!

The great 'side effect'
is that I am laughing again!
I am opening myself up to my friends-
letting them in!
After 2 years of not knowing
I was shutting them out...
I am actually letting them in!

Last night I went to a quirky little coffee shop
with my girl friends!
The kind of place
that has live music..
and very colorful regulars!

We laughed and giggled..
we were silly
and friendly!
The group around us grew,
and I was OK!
I did not leave-
or turn my back!
I did scoot closer to my friend..
(old habit!)
but, I was OK!

We made plans
for other places..
places with crowds..
places with people..
places that for so long
caused me to hide!
We made plans to enjoy life,
and I was OK with that!

The years of solitude
of fearing the world
may not be over!
But, they are entering their final
phase...
My heart is lighter
as the weight of the steel
surrounding my soul-
begins to disintegrate!
One chain at a time...

a heart beat of time..and nothing was the same

I will never forget...
9 years ago,
I was a stay at home mom,
I had 2 small children!
I had 1 on the way!

My life was in turmoil already!
While it was not the crisis
the ultimately ended my marriage,
we were in crisis none- the - less.

My little world was all I knew!
Fighting to survive
and keep my family intact!
Fighting to keep my head above water
as a wife and a mother...

That day,
I was on the phone with a friend..
my small children were playing on the living room floor...
I was folding laundry in the bedroom,
the TV was on..
and it happened!
Watching it live-
it looked like an accident..
a horrible wrong turn!
and then...it happened again!

The whole world changed!
My small little world
seemed so insignificant
as miles and miles away
people fought for their lives!

That day-
My husband and I had an appointment-
the crisis dire
and counseling needed.
We were just starting to make progress...

We drove through deserted streets..
a ghost town
as people stayed inside
glued to the horror happening
before their eyes!

our counselor met with us for the last time..
the tragedy causing her to rethink
the time she spent away from her kids!
We never went back!
I will always wonder
would it have changed anything?

A day that affected the world..
affected this country,
and the trickle down affect
that changed lives in ways
both big and small...
in ways we shall never really know!

The dance begins...

As I begin to let down the walls..
JUST a little..
as I begin to let go the hurt...
JUST a lot..
The side effect,
is the dance that begins,
before a step is taken!

The dance of flirting,
and smiles..
The dance of talking
and sharing...
The dance of what if's
and maybes...
a dance that for some is a quick step,
and yet for me is VERY slow waltz.

But, the music is playing..
a hand is reaching for mine...
the dance has begun...
Now, we shall see how this song ends!

Tonight..I wept!

In my garden,
now sits a bench!
This bench sat in my parents garden
4 years ago!
My marriage had just ended,
my heart broken..
my life in shatters,
but my hope was intact!

I sat on this bench with my children,
I laughed and posed.
Life was sad..
but the future would be the key!
I believed that all I needed,
was to find some one who loved me,
that every thing would be OK!
I was wrong..
It was not!

Tonight as I sat on this bench.. I wept!
Because now its so much harder!
Because now fun and fancy free, merry go rounds
and whirlwinds...
feel like tornadoes and hurricanes,
threatening to tear me apart!

Tonight...I wept!
Because I cannot go back!
I cannot become the person I was,
before I met evil face to face!
Because where innocence and excitement
used to live,
now resides fear and suspicion!

Tonight...I wept!
Because now I can over come!
and shall..
But, then I did not need to!

Tonight..I mourned!
I felt anger,
for a man
who in his deception
stole my ability
to feel safe in this world!
A man who saw a heart broken woman,
and set out to own her soul..

Tonight...I let go!
I cannot turn back time!
I cannot easily forget!
I cannot pretend that I do not see shadows
where fairies and angels used to play...
But, I can accept
that my fears and my reality are different!
I can accept that hurt will govern my footsteps,
until I stop allowing it too..

Tonight...I took a breath!

My warning label.....

Sometimes I think I should wear
a warning label..
'objects in mirror are more fragile then they appear'.
As I have started to look at my heart
and my fears-
I see that over this past 2 years...
I have become very 'brittle'.

In contrast to who I have been
in past relationships;
giving, open, persistent, quick to forgive...
I am now;
guarded, sensitive, easily hurt...
and when hurt I run!
simple!

As I have not entered into a love relationship-
I can base this on my friendships!
When a friend hurts my feelings,
its as if there is a switch in my heart!
it shuts off!
I could easily never talk to that person again!
knowing this
is the only thing that has saved me
from doing this!

as I begin to reach out more and more..
as I try and let people in..
I want to warn them!
WATCH OUT- I RUN!

A safety valve that protects me from harm,
that was installed way too late
to protect me from damage!
and one that I fear will prevent me
from trust!

I find myself
trusting when boundaries are in place..
I have a dear, single, male friend-
who is not interested in more!
I open up to him!
I trust him!
I let him in!
He lives 3 states away.
So far he is one of the only men
I have let in like that.
and he is safe!
and even he can easily hurt me-
as can each and every person
in my life..

knowing..
and fixing..very different!
knowing
and wanting to fix..
also different!
The more I am OK alone,
the less sure I am
that taking a chance is worth it!

then again,
I wonder if all this self evaluation,
may be a good sign!

Maybe the sound
of a heart
wanting to beat again?

Only time will tell...

my walls...

I wonder some times how many of the walls
I surround my heart with,
are real!
and how many are there without need.

Several months ago
a seemingly, sweet, single Gentleman;
showed interest!
In the course of our conversation
he mentioned disliking Disney world!
such a simple statement..
do you know where my mind went?
I imagined my annual trip
with my kids-
being in jeopardy
if a man I was involved with
did not want it to happen!
and that did it..
the walls came up!

Over the last 2 years,
there have certainly been
some that have shown interest...
I have met many VERY nice men
and walked away
after minutes in their presence-
or short conversations,
thinking;
they were too short-
or too macho-
or too nice-
or too available-
or too busy-
or too serious-
or too light hearted-
or too......

REALLY?
how is that real?
how is that not based on a need
to keep everyone out?
so far its working!!
and in truth,
I am not unhappy!!

As I reflect on the 'Disney' issue-
I see a greater problem!
I see that I still believe
that the person in my life
has power over me!
WHY would I not just continue
my trip with the kids,
with or without the man in my life?
Why do I not assume HE might compromise!
Why does a mans opinion seem to threaten mine?

The walls are here-
they are my protection,
but I have not yet found their key!
I do not know how to tear them down,
or how to have faith that I can be
stronger then my walls!

Some things are non-compromising!
My faith-
I am sold out to Jesus Christ!
He is my first love!
I want to share that with some one!
My kids-
they are part of the package..
My mini-zoo
(this certainly narrows the playing field!)
A man who is a gentleman!
who opens doors,
who carries heavy things,
who respects me enough
to watch his language
and who would expect others around me
to do the same!
(Yes- I am hopelessly old fashioned!)
A man who sees me as a partner not property!
(this speaks for itself!)

But, is there anything else??
Is the rest just an effort to hide-
or is it based in truth?

Ready is no longer a state of my heart and being!
For me it will eventually
become a choice!
The longer I am alone-
the easier it is for me
to stay 'unready'
to hide behind my walls..
and even build more!

Not sure this is a bad thing-
but at least
let me build walls
based in truth-
not fear!
at least let me trust myself
more then I trust my walls...
at least let this TOO
be a growing experience,
and let me become stronger for the fear...

so much new..so much the same

SO, I am back in school!
My first go round was horrendous!
High school was a joke to me-
a place to make friends.
college was not much better!
A defining quality was my 'last minuteness'
with everything!

yesterday I found history repeating itself!
My 2nd class-
assignment was to read the chapters!
problem,
I had yet to buy the book!
trying to balance it all
and this was missed in the shuffle!

SO, off to class I go
early!
to buy the book..
I get to the book store
and out of my bag tumbles
several empty toilet paper rolls !
(I am a preschool teacher by day!)
I ignored the curious glances,
stuffed them back in my bag
and bought my incredibly overpriced book!

Now, to read it...
I stop in the cafeteria,
a few guys playing pool
but quiet other then that!
Until they spoke..
4 letter words I could not define
as part of their vocabulary!
They were not mad, or even making a point!
Just talking!
A generation of men that do not notice
a woman in the room-
or at least see reason to watch their language
around one.
so, off I go.

I finally find the learning center
only to get confused by the signing in and out
and exactly what you can and cannot do in there!
BUT the book got read-
I made it to class...
I survived the night!
and am still excited about the fresh start!
BUT Oh my...
times have changed..
but based on my 'last minuteness'
I guess I have not! :)

thoughts or lack of them...

I am so tired..
but really happy.
Tired is just part of a busy parents life,
busy is part of the package also.
but happy is good.

The kids are adjusting to school,
I love my job!!
we have the schedule under control,
and the house is in order.
Simple- sweet!

I often wonder when I will start wanting more.
and I am often told I will know when I am ready!
I agree-
but, I still wonder!
It still seems to me,
that this little life I have
does not leave room for interruptions-
or distractions.

Maybe that would change-
hmmm..
but, for now,
in this moment-
I am happy to have a job!
Glad able to provide for my kids!
Excited that I look forward to going to work.
And a little shocked that my house is clean...

Life!
a moment!
this moment!
my moment!
Life= just enough!

harder with time..not easier

So I think there is a myth out there...
the myth is that a divorce gets easier with time!!

In some ways- I agree!
The actual divorce,
the part that involves two people-
the separation of lives
and the healing of hearts!
That gets easier!

The kids-
that gets harder!
I find that each weekend they leave
is harder then the one before!

When I was first divorced I missed my kids.
I was lost without them!
My heart was broken,
my life in shambles,
my purpose so unclear!
I hated them being gone!!!
Then I began dating.
Partly due to all I said above,
Partly due to boredom.
I needed something to do,
and had yet to realize I was enough!
Then my weekends without kids were fun
and filled.
and eventually destructive
and devastating,
until the rebound relationship I found myself in;
threatened to destroy me!

When I was alone once again-
I set out to find me!
I overcame the sadness at being alone,
I found things I liked to do,
and eventually became my own best company!
And that was when I found my center again.

Now with nothing more to prove;
I can be alone,
I can fill my time,
I can just BE if needed....
I have re-found my role!
And being a mom is a huge part of that!
I am no longer looking for me...
and instead I find that I am missing my children!

I did not want a fractured family!
I did not want time to myself
or weekends alone..
when I was married
I rarely went for coffee or girls nights out-
family was my heart, my life!
now I make the most of my time..
but I am incomplete when my children walk out that door!
I am a mother left to wonder-
how my children are!
Yes, I can talk to them!
Yes, they are safe with their dad!
But, when I go to sleep at night
I cannot hear their breathing in the room next door.
I cannot tiptoe in to watch their chest rise
in their sleep.
I cannot hug them and kiss them,
talk to them, protect them!
They are not with me!
and this is not what I wish!
and yet, no matter how much my heart hurts,
this is what it is!

Recently a friend and I were speaking of this-
she shared that my friends
do not define me by my divorce!
But, you see..
I do!
Not by the divorce,
as much as 'kids or no kids'.
Every time I say-
I am alone this weekend.
what I mean is;
I do not have my children! I shall miss them so much!
every time I say-
Let me see whose weekend that is.
what I mean is;
I hope its mine and I can make plans and enjoy time with my family.
every time I say-
I can't. Kids are with their dad that weekend.
What I mean is;
and one more time, my heart will break when they drive off!

Its not something I talk about much!
Its not something I express all that often!
WHY?
because this is my life!
I can kick, scream, cry and pout
and my children will still leave!
AND the kicker???
they should! Of course-
They love their father!
He loves them!
Never will they know it makes me sad!
Never will they feel my hurt!
It is what it is-
It is what it should be,
under these circumstances!

I miss my children!
Simple and true!
I accept this!
Simple and true!
I enjoy the time I have, rather then wallow in sadness!
Simple and true!
It still stinks! :)
Simple and true!

Life is what happens
when we wish it would not-
when we get to be who we are
in spite of what has become!